It’s too late…
~Apologize by Timbaland Ft. One Republic
The words didn’t sink in for Nick immediately. He desperately tried searching through his brain for a Brian that was part of the tour, for he knew that Leslie couldn’t have an affair with a man that wasn’t moving from country to country with them. It didn’t even cross his mind that the Brian she spoke of would be his band mate, because why would it be? That Brian was getting married. That Brian was having a baby. That Brian was his best friend.
“Brian who?” Nick demanded. His entire body was trembling. The anger and sadness flowing through him generated a frighteningly high amount of energy that he felt might explode. All he could think about was him; this unknown man that had torn his dreams apart, the man who had stolen his Leslie away from him.
Leslie averted her gaze. It was hard enough blurting out his name; she didn’t think she had it in her to elaborate anymore. Where Nick was surging with energy, Leslie was weakening by the second. It took all her willpower to keep standing. She was in a daze. She tried telling herself that this was all a dream. She tried telling herself that the party wasn't happening and that Nick never proposed. She told herself that her day had ended at the hotel and she was now sleeping, but if only this were true. Her pain was too immense, too real, for any of it to not be happening.
She was terrified at what was to come. When he figured out it was his Brian, what was he going to do? Would he just leave the party? Would he track Brian down? Would he expose the two of them in front of everybody?
Not only that, but what about their future? What about all of their futures?
The gravity of the situation was suddenly overwhelming her. She knew there would be consequences, but she didn't know to what extent. Now that the truth was seeping out, she could sense the disaster about to occur. She could feel it vibrating about her. Existance as she knew it was fazing in and out. Her past life that was filled with love and adventure was fading into oblivion, and a black hole was opening before her. She was ruining not only her life, but Nick's, and they were falling headfirst into the abyss.
She reached her arm out to steady herself against the railing. She turned away from Nick and tried to cover her sobs. She breathed out, more to herself than to Nick, “Oh God, what have I done?”
“Brian who, Leslie!?” Nick burst out in frustration. He wanted answers. He absolutely needed them. His appetite for the truth was insatiable and there was nothing more in this world that he wanted than to know the name of the man that had torn his world apart.
He had stopped thinking clearly. His arm shot out without a moment's hesitation and his hand closed around Leslie's upper arm roughly. He spun her around to face him violently. Her arm was clutched tightly in grasp, his fingers digging into her cold flesh, “Who is he!?”
She cried and shied away from him, “Nick, don’t! Please!”
His grip immediately loosened when he saw the pain in her eyes, and he pushed her away from him. He raised his hands to roughly run his fingers through his hair. His jaw was clenching and unclenching. He could feel himself about to explode.
He wanted to hate this woman before him, but even with all the anger rushing inside of him, he still couldn’t find it in him. He found it astonishing that even through her lies and deceit, he still couldn’t hate her. He loved her. He loved her so much.
God dammit, why did he love her?
“Fuck,” he breathed out, ignoring the few tears seeping from his eyes. He glanced back to Leslie who was still hugging herself tightly. He decided to try a calmer approach to the situation.
“Leslie,” he started out. “Just tell me his name. I just need to know his name.”
She looked up into his pleading eyes, but she would not answer. He stepped towards her, asking quietly for reassurance, “He’s on the tour isn’t he?”
Her eyes dropped from his then, and this simple act seared through his heart. He struggled to keep his composure, shocked that her refusal to answer his question, and her blatant deterrence would cause such a horrible feeling to sprout in his stomach. He didn’t understand how this single gesture had caused so much dread and hurt to push through his anger once more. Her silence was deafening. Her silence was telling.
He lowered his arms slowly to his sides and felt his breathing steady slightly. His overrun mind was beginning to clear and he quickly ran through the list of names he knew in his head. He thought of the band, of the dancers, of the light techs, of the roadies, of the bus drivers, but none of them were named Brian; none of them. There wasn’t one Brian on the tour that he could think of. Not one.
Except…
His face fell. His heart stopped. All air ceased to fill his lungs.
Except his Brian. Brian Littrell, his best friend, his band mate.
A wave of nausea hit him. He was paralyzed. He was completely frozen where he stood. He felt anger prickle over him, causing goosebumps to erupt across his skin. The only thing that seemed to truly function were his tears. He felt the angry, hurt tears welling up in his eyes, and it wasn’t long until his face scrunched up to blink them away.
He whispered out in disbelief, “No…”
The way he said this caught Leslie’s attention immediately. She knew without looking at him that he had figured it out. He knew.
“No,” he repeated. He was desperately trying to counter his new found discovery. The denial within him was immense.
Her head rose to look at him, and the guilt in her eyes verified his worst fear. He shook his head slowly at first, and then faster. He stepped back from her, the pain that was overwhelming him stronger than he ever thought possible.
“I’m so sorry,” Leslie let out sadly.
If Nick heard her, he made no move to acknowledge it. His mind had kicked into overdrive. He blocked out her presence. The truth rained down on him in a violent torrent and he was surprised that he didn’t drown in it. If only he could have. He welcomed the sweet relief from this hell that had opened beneath him. He wished for death. He wished for all of this new found pain and heartache to disappear.
He tried blocking everything out, but instead of surpressing the inevitable, the thoughts came rushing forth with wreckless abandon. The entire tour came pouring from every corner of his brain to flood his consciousness. The subtle touches, the soft, loving looks, the giggles, the secret whispers, the constant nights where she would go missing for hours on end… all of it, all of it came crashing down on him.
How could he have been so stupid?
How?
But not only that, how could Brian do this to him? His best friend had a love affair with his girlfriend. He didn’t even think it possible that Brian could do something so despicable. He was a man of faith with a loving fiancée who was pregnant with his child. What could have provoked him to do something so horrible? What could have provoked him to violate the sanctity of his relationship with Leslie? What?
He didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. This couldn’t be right.
But he knew that it was. He knew because it was in her eyes. All of her lies were reflecting back at him. He could see his best friend caressing her, could see him kiss her. Just the thought of these actions, the thought of Brian making love to her, of him fucking her, was enough to infuriate him to a point that he had never before reached in all of his twenty-eight years of living. This rising rage caused other emotions and desires to spring forth. He suddenly had the immense urge to fight back; to hurt like he was hurting, to cause pain.
He stepped away from Leslie then, his mind bent on one thing and one thing only; find Brian. Find Brian and kill him.
Leslie watched as Nick stood there. She knew he was working everything out in his head, and the longer he stood, the more terrified she became. With each passing second, she could see his blue eyes cloud over. She could see his body start to tremble. She could see anger in its purest, physical manifestation and she was absolutely terrified at what it would do when it exploded. She had never seen Nick like this before. She had never seen anyone like this before.
When he turned away from her, she couldn’t react at first. It wasn’t until he had nearly torn the door off its hinges and rushed back into the party that she sprang into action. She ran after him, her tears still falling freely from her eyes.
He was storming forward, pushing past anyone that was in his way. She could feel the anger radiating off of him and it made her shiver. The people he pushed past looked at him in shock, and they were even more intrigued when they saw her chasing after him with tears streaming down her face, begging for him to stop.
“Nick, please, don’t do this!” she cried, trying to keep up with him. She kept trying to grab his arm, but he would violently shrug her off immediately. He ignored her pleas. He ignored everything. He was hell bent on finding the bastard who had tainted the love of his life.
Brian, meanwhile, was completely oblivious to the current happenings. He stood by the bar with Howie and AJ. AJ had just gotten done with a funny story about a bachelor party he had attended where the stripper got drunk and passed out. Brian was in the midst of laughing when he suddenly felt the collar of his shirt being yanked backwards.
When Nick had spotted Brian from across the room, his path was laid out all too clear for him. He paused for a moment before he sprang into action. He could vaguely hear the music blasting through the speakers, of the chatter and the laughter surrounding him. He could barely hear Leslie crying out to him.
For a split second the voice of reason tried to penetrate Nick, but he quickly brushed that aside. He had been wronged in one of the worst ways imaginable, and someone had hell to pay for it, and that someone was standing only a few feet in front of him.
From the moment he took that first step, there was no turning back. He rushed forward at an alarming speed and when he reached out for Brian, he could faintly hear a scream pierce through the room behind him. His fingers clamped down on the fabric of Brian’s collar and he yanked back on it roughly. The glass Brian was holding jerked from his hand and fell to the floor, and the shorter man stared at his aggressor in shock, “Nick, what ar-“
Brian didn’t have time to finish his sentence. He didn’t even have time to see the infuriated expression on his best friend’s face. In only a brief moment, Nick’s fist collided with Brian’s eye with a deafening 'SMACK'. Brian stumbled back, his body crashing into a shocked Howie.
Brian raised his hand to touch his face. He stared in disbelief at his tall friend, “What the hell Nick!?”
Nick wasted no time. He pounced forward, grabbing Brian again and slamming his fist into his nose. Blood burst from the wound and Brian cried out, raising his hands to cover his face.
“You son of a bitch! You motherfucking bastard!” Nick screamed. He pushed Brian into the bar with so much force that the wind was knocked out of Brian immediately. Pain shot up through his back and he struggled to gulp in air. Bottles of liquor and filled wine glasses clattered to the floor and shattered.
It wasn’t long until the entire party had seen what was developing. The DJ quickly turned off the music and the guests were gathering closely to see the situation unfold. Leighanne was clumped together with Kristin and Leigh. She was dumbfounded by what was happening, and she was entirely powerless to stop it. All she could do was stand there and stare.
Both AJ and Howie were shocked to see this sudden, unexpected, violent display, but when Nick lifted his knee and shoved it into Brian’s stomach, they both sprang forward, trying to push Nick back. Leslie was screaming at Nick to stop.
“Nick, what the fuck man!?” Howie yelled. Nick struggled against the two men. Brian lay on the floor, holding his stomach and flinching in pain. He was trembling, but he tried to stand up.
Nick was blood thirsty. He fought against Howie and AJ, trying to get at Brian. He kept screaming, “Why!?”
Nick finally pushed free and ran at Brian once more. Brian was still trying to steady himself from the hard blow to his stomach and was caught off guard when Nick tackled him. They both fell to the floor in a large heap. Nick sat up slightly and pushed Brian away at arm’s length, proceeding to punch him furiously.
“Fuck you, you fucking bastard! How could you do this to me!? How!? Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!” With each ‘Fuck you’ came another blow to Brian’s screaming body. The pain was overwhelming. He just couldn’t figure out why? Why was this happening to him?
Kevin had pushed through the crowd and he, Howie, and AJ proceeded to pull Nick off of Brian, bellowing at him to stop, to cool off. Nick was sweating. His hair was disarrayed, his face was flushed, his expression was contorted in complete and utter rage. He spat at his broken friend on the ground, “Why Leslie!? Why her!? You have Leighanne! You fucking have Leighanne! Why her out of every other fucking girl!?”
Nick fought against all three men, still screaming at his band mate, “You already had someone! Why did you have to steal her away from me!? What did I ever do to you!? HUH!? What the fuck did I do!?”
Leslie was standing off to the side, her hands raised to cover her horror stricken face. She couldn’t believe what was happening. She was frozen in place. She couldn’t move her limbs even if she tried. The nausea she was experiencing was so intense that she thought she might pass out.
A few men from the crowd stepped forward to help Brian up. His nose and bottom lip were bleeding rather profusely and his right eye was already forming a bruise. He struggled to get to his feet as the men helped keep him steady.
“You knew how much I loved her! You KNEW! And you still went behind my back!” Nick screamed. His anger was still present, but it was diminishing. In its place came the cracking voice of a heartbroken man. “You selfish bastard! You had no right! Do you hear me!? YOU HAD NO RIGHT!”
Through every word Nick spoke, more and more realization dawned on Brian as to why this was happening. Nick had found out about him and Leslie. Brian cringed with every violent word that flew out of his wronged friend’s mouth. He felt shame creep over him.
“She was mine! But you couldn’t handle that could you!? You couldn’t handle that I was so happy! You knew that I needed her! You fucking KNEW! You motherfucking selfish bastard! You couldn’t handle that I found someone better than you could ever find! So what did you do!? YOU TOOK IT AWAY! You fucked her! And for how long!? How long did you screw her behind by back!? How long have you been lying!?”
Nick had to catch his breath. His throat was raw, the veins in his neck were popping threateningly. Blood was rushing to his face and he strained to get out everything that he needed to say. His body was growing tired, and he was beginning to struggle less against his restraints.
All Brian could do was stand there in utter shock and despair. He couldn’t believe that this was happening. Everything that he had ever done with Leslie, everything that he had ever worried about, was blowing up in his face. How could loving Leslie be so wrong? How could it be this destructive?
“God, I’m such an idiot. I told you I was going to propose to her and you lied to my face! You just fucking sat there and lied to me! You told me to do it! You told me to ask her, and when I did, she tells me she’s been fucking you! YOU of ALL people!" Nick stopped to take another deep breath.
“She was my everything and you took her away from me! And for what!? FOR WHAT!? A GOOD FUCK!?”
Brian found the strength to speak then, feeling the need to explain himself. His voice held none of the power and emotion that Nick's did, “It wasn’t like that.”
“It wasn’t like that? IT WASN’T LIKE THAT!?” Nick boomed. “She was my fucking girlfriend! And you betrayed me! You fucking betray-“
Looking back at this very moment, Brian wouldn't be able to explain what had possessed him to say what he did. He had stood there taking the physical and verbal abuse from a man that he had wronged. He knew he deserved every word and every punch, but he still couldn't get past the fact that in his heart he did not, and could not, regret what he had done. Through all his pain and all the yelling and all the anger, the only thing that gave him strength at that moment was his love for Leslie, and without a second thought he found himself bursting out the words he had been meaning to say since the moment he had figured it all out, “I love her!”
Nick stopped in mid-sentence and blinked. All eyes turned to Brian, including those of Leslie, but with her, there was a different emotion forming.
“You what?” Nick, Howie, and Kevin asked in astonishment.
Leslie’s hands had fallen from her face. Her cheeks glistened under the shifting lights of the room and she stared at Brian in shock. She whispered more to herself than to anyone else surrounding her, but Brian heard her words all the same, “You what?”
“I'm in love with her,” Brian croaked. Instead of saying it to Nick, he had addressed Leslie with this last statement. He found himself repeating the words once more, finding the courage to say the phrase out loud to everyone. He stared intently at Leslie, feeling all his pent up devotion projecting towards her, “I love you.”
Leslie gaped at Brian, trying to let his words sink in. She didn't know how to respond so she did the only thing she knew how to. She quickly blinked and averted her gaze.
Nick let Brian’s words sink in for a moment. He acted as though he didn’t hear the very last portion of Brian's confession to Leslie and instead let out a harsh laugh, “You love her? What a joke. What a fucking joke!”
Brian flinched. To everyone else, it surely must have looked like a joke, but to Brian it was far from it. To him, Leslie was his life, and he was hers, but how does he show that to a crowd of accusing eyes? How does he justify his actions? How does he explain something he knows is so incredibly wrong? How does he explain his feelings? And how can he apologize for something that has brought him such joy?
AJ, Howie, and Kevin loosened their hold on Nick’s arms, seeing that he was no longer struggling against them. They let go of him slowly, still unsure if he would spring back into action, but relaxed when he did no such thing. Nick only stared at his band mate with pure hatred.
“You don’t love her. You don’t even know what love is,” Nick growled.
The piercing silence that followed was so tension filled that no one in the near vicinity of the seething figures could take in a clear breath. Nick’s hands were clenching and unclenching, and when no one offered to mend the situation, he called out, “I’m done with this shit. I’m done with all of it.”
Brian, Kevin, Howie, AJ, and Leslie snapped their heads in Nick’s direction.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” AJ asked boldly.
“It means I’m fucking done!” Nick yelled. His words pierced the quiet room. “The tour’s over. The band’s over.”
Nick turned his attention back to Brian. The words he spoke were like venom, “I hope she was worth it.”
He then raised his hands in the air as a means of showing that he had given up. He addressed the entire party, “I'm going home. I'm out.”
And with this, Nick turned and pushed through the crowd.
Everyone stared after him in disbelief.
