Storms will race in,
But you will be safe in my arms,
Rains will pour down,
Waves will crash around,
But you will be safe in my arms...
-In My Arms by Plumb
Brian stood outside in the cold, his breath billowing out around him. He absentmindedly saw the growing gray light rising around the tall buildings surrounding him, but his main focus was on her. It was always on her. It had always been on her. He knew that now. He knew that he never had a chance to not fall for her; and he fell so incredibly hard.
He watched her apprehensively as she handed the last of her luggage to the cab driver. Her blonde locks fell over her shoulders and he took a deep breath, trying to forget those many nights where he had been nuzzled against her neck, inhaling her sweet scent. He saw her flushed cheeks and knew, besides the fact that she was cold, that it was also due to the endless nights of crying she had been experiencing as of late. She was stunning, regardless of the fact that she was clearly unhappy.
Brian himself had just paid his cab driver and was approaching her slowly, trying to figure out the best way to let her know that he had come, though she probably hadn’t wanted him to. He had found out from a reluctant AJ what hotel she was staying at in the city and he frantically tried to get to her before she left. He tried to convince himself that he shouldn’t go, that he should leave her alone, but he found that he couldn’t. For his own selfish reasons, he couldn’t bear just sitting back and letting her go - not without at least saying goodbye to her. He couldn’t risk not seeing her one more time. He couldn’t risk not talking to her, couldn’t risk not touching her.
She hadn’t noticed him yet, that much was clear. The New York streets were always too busy and too loud to really leave room for any sort of noticed approach. She was steadily watching the cab driver, stress etched over her beautiful face. She was probably wondering what she was going to do now that she didn’t have a paying job and Brian found himself wondering the same thing. He wished so much that she didn’t have to go. How was he supposed to take care of her when she was thousands of miles away? How was he going to deal with seeing her everyday to not seeing her for months? What if he never saw her again?
These thoughts brought tears to his eyes, and he quickly tried to blink them away. Now wasn’t the time for him to break down emotionally in any way. He couldn’t do that to her, not now. Besides, he had a million other things to think about: the tour, the band, Nick, Leighanne… the baby. His heart sank in his chest at the very thought of it. How was he going to deal with this alone? His life was standing before him in all its terrible beauty and it was slipping away from him. His future was in her sad eyes, but it was a future that was diminishing with each tear that escaped them.
When he saw the cab driver close the trunk and noticed her movement towards the back door, he knew that he must act. He suddenly blurted out her name, and his voice cracked through the icy air. She was startled. She jumped slightly and looked over at him, a bit in shock, but at the same time not entirely surprised. She looked past his shoulder to the hotel doors, shifting her stance nervously. She looked back to him, worry clouding her eyes, “Brian, what are you doing here?”
He knew that time with her was limited, so he wasted none. He replied timidly, “I had to say goodbye.”
Her crystalline blue eyes stared at him painfully. She shook her head in disbelief, her voice was barely above a whisper, “You shouldn’t be here. We’ve caused too much trouble already.”
Brian approached her slowly then, watching her sad eyes drift over him. He didn’t respond to her at first. All he could do was stand there and take her in. He tried memorizing her features, but with just one glance he knew that he had seen and traced them enough with his fingertips to know that he could never forget them. He knew her face more than he knew his own. However, this fact still didn’t stop him from trying to take her all in. He could dream about her all he wanted, but for her to be standing there in front of him was so much more potent. He could see the light glisten through her eyes, her hair shift lazily in the breeze, the sweet color that filled her cheeks, the fullness of her lips, and the subtle softness of her skin. He could see all of her and it caused a low aching to sift through his heart.
He couldn’t help but smile slightly when the cold breeze drifted a hint of her perfume towards him. He knew that he shouldn’t, but he reached up and touched the hair that fell over her face, before gently stroking her cheek with his fingertips. Though against her will, she found herself moving towards his touch, despite the fact that she was still adjusting to him standing there in front of her. How had he found out where she was? And why couldn’t he just let her go quietly? He was making this so much harder than it needed to be.
“What am I going to do without you here?” he finally asked gently.
“You’ll be okay,” she replied softly. “I will be too.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because we have to be. Something good has to come from all this.”
He searched her face, trying to get his emotions under control. He asked sadly, “And why can’t that something be us?”
“Because we’ve hurt too many people. We…” she paused, trying to find the conviction behind her words, “We can’t,” she finally replied. She raised her hand to grab his from her cheek and held on it to for a second more, squeezing it slightly.
He knew that she was right. They couldn’t be together – at least not now. They had to fix things first and pray that their careers and personal lives wouldn’t suffer for it and maybe then, just maybe, they could be together. But until then, what would happen? Brian seemed to know the answer already by the lost and pained filled look that she gave him. He knew that she wanted a clean break – no gray areas, no temptations. She needed time, and I guess he needed it too. Even so, how was he going to deal with her so far away? How was he going to deal with not hearing her voice? She had consumed his life these past months and now he had to figure out how he had lived without her. He knew it would be a useless endeavor, trying to get back to how his life was before he had met her, for there was no turning back; not with the love he now had in his heart. Until her, it was like his heart was at a standstill, but now it was vibrantly alive. How could he go back to being numb after feeling and experiencing the life she had created around him? The answer was simple: he couldn’t.
“Miss, are you ready or do I need to find someone else?” the cab driver called through the open passenger side window.
Leslie turned to him, tearing her eyes away from Brian’s reluctantly. As much as she wanted to let this be it between them, she still couldn’t ignore the fact that she was finding it hard not to collapse into him and give in. The way he was looking at her, the way he was touching her, sent chills down her spine, and her heart swelled with the love she never thought possible.
She addressed the cab driver apologetically, “I’m sorry, I’m coming.”
She turned back to Brian then, cursing the fact that he was standing there before her. She wished he hadn’t come. He was making this harder than it would have been, but at the same time, she was grateful. Grateful because she got to see him once more and grateful because it assured her that his love for her was really true.
“I have to go,” she whispered, looking up into his stunningly beautiful blue eyes. She was going to miss those eyes. More than she could possibly handle.
He nodded softly, understanding how hard this was for her. He debated within himself if he should follow through with his next move or not, but he ultimately decided to go for it. What else did he have to lose? Why not feel her close to him, why not touch her lips one last time? There was no telling when he would see her again, and so he leaned in and pressed his lips against her soft ones and pulled her to him close, relishing the way she sweetly tasted. He wasn’t surprised to find her kissing him back, her body leaning into his like it had so many times before.
Leslie clung to him tightly and he let the love and passion he felt for her radiate through her body. The gentle movement of his lips against hers soon became more feverish. She responded to him at first, letting herself get lost in his caresses, but then a wall sprung up, and she pushed him away lightly. He pulled his lips from hers and she looked down, covering her mouth with the back of her hand as she composed herself. They both stood there breathing a bit heavily, trying to catch their breath, and Brian gulped. When Leslie’s tear filled eyes looked up at him, he reached out and touched her face, his heart crying out inside of him, “Leslie…”
“I have to go,” she repeated, averting her gaze. She turned away from him and took one step towards the cab, opening the door with one swift tug.
Brian stared after her painfully, trying to gather his thoughts, “I can’t do this without you.”
The pleading in his voice was astounding. Even he could hear how lost and broken he was. She had one foot in the door when she looked back at him, his words stopping her in her tracks. He was taken aback when she pushed off from the cab and approached him swiftly. She quickly cupped his face, kissing him hard, but before he had time to respond she had just as quickly pulled away. She searched his face momentarily before whispering, “I love you.”
She let him go then and rushed to the cab door. Brian looked after her feeling desperate, but all he could do was tell her the one thing that he could never get sick of saying, “I love you, too, sweetheart.”
The door closed then and she peered out at him, forcing a small smile on her face. She raised her hand and pressed her palm to the window. Brian raised his own hand in return and watched regretfully as the cab pulled away.
The further she got, the more pain he felt. How had he let her go? Why hadn’t he stood up for her when he had the chance? Why couldn’t he have just gone with her? He wanted to scream out: fuck the tour, fuck the band, fuck life! Because quite frankly, what was worth living if he didn’t have Leslie there with him? But, as upset as he was, he knew he couldn’t possibly follow through with his irrational desires. He wasn’t heartless or selfish enough to do so.
But even so, as hard as it was to not run after her, he still had a horrible sinking feeling in his stomach as her cab disappeared amongst the masses. For the first time it actually hit him. It hit him so excruciatingly hard that he almost forgot that he had to breathe. For the first time in 7 months, she was no longer there beside him.
She was gone.
Nick glared through the glass at his shivering friend. His fists clenched against his sides as he saw the pain stricken face that accompanied his betrayer. Did he feel sorry for him? No, he had clearly brought this upon himself, but could he relate to him? As much as he didn’t want to, he felt that he could. The man was noticeably heartbroken, and it was no secret that he was in the same boat.
He had seen it all, and the anger and sadness that had slowly weakened to a dull throb viciously sprang forth again in the pit of his stomach. He knew that he shouldn’t have come down, but he couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t bring himself to speaking to her, but his own heart forced him to stay and watch her go, knowing that this would probably be the last time he ever saw her. This fact was hard to grasp, especially since it had only been days since he had envisioned spending the rest of his life with her. He couldn’t fathom the events that led them to where they were now – they were unbelievable in their entirety.
And though he was angry as hell, he still loved her, but it still wasn’t any justification for his need to see her leave. He was the one that had got her the job after all. Truthfully, he knew she would have gotten it either way, but he liked to think that he had some say. Even so, it felt only fitting that he would see her depart this wild and crazy world that he had pulled her into, as gut wrenching as that would be. And it was, except for the fact that his anger with Brian’s presence nearly trumped his broken heart.
He had stayed up all night preparing himself for this very moment, expecting no surprises, so it obviously shocked him when he saw his so called best friend step out of a cab only a few feet away from his ex-girlfriend. The very sight of Brian nearly had him bolting out the door to push him into oncoming traffic, but he was too mortified to move. The nerve Brian had for showing up was astounding. Granted, he had no idea that Nick was staying in the same hotel as Leslie, but this fact only seemed to make it worse, because once again, Brian was going behind Nick’s back. The bullshit was never ending, and it took every ounce of Nick’s energy to not beat Brian into oblivion like he had just nights before. He’d have no problem turning his "friend's" yellowing bruises to dark purple if the need so called for it, and right then and there, Nick's anger was softly humming violence.
If it wasn’t for Leslie’s reaction, he was sure he would have run out that door the second he had seen Brian. But the way she looked at him…
Nick tried to catch his breath, feeling the corners of his eyes stinging with tears. He tried to blink them away when he noticed Brian move towards the street, looking for another taxi to take him back to his hotel no doubt. This sudden distraction helped nothing however, and Nick quickly turned and rushed towards the elevators, trying to get back to his room before he had a nervous breakdown.
All Nick could see in his head was the way she looked at him. She never once looked at him that way – not with that much love, not with that much heart. It was one thing for her to admit that she loved Brian, it was another thing to actually see her feelings. It was so subtle yet so obvious, and that simple act nearly tore his insides apart. She had fallen for his best friend, just as his best friend had so noticeably fallen for her, and as much as he wanted it to, all the hatred he had towards Brian could not even touch her. His love for her prevented it.
And when Brian had kissed her… God, when he kissed her… she had looked like she was in hell and heaven at the same time. He couldn’t explain it. She had closed her eyes at the very first touch of his lips to hers, and a peace had fallen over her face, her body immediately relaxed, but at the same time, he could see how painful it was for her. Nick couldn’t understand it. How could this love between them have developed right under his nose? How could he have not noticed something so blatantly obvious? He knew it was because he was in denial, but still.
And then she had whispered to Brian that she loved him, and though Nick couldn’t hear the words, he could see the truth and the passion behind them through her eyes, and just like that, his hopeful thoughts and dreams ceased to exist. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think. Nick realized in those three simple words that she never loved him, at least with the love that she had for Brian, and she could never love him. Ever.
The elevator doors opened onto his floor and Nick stumbled off, rushing down the hall to his room, frantically trying to keep his tears forced back. When he slammed the door behind him, he let his heart take over. He slid to the floor, immediately crying out.
Her words from the night before were echoing loudly in his head, cutting deeper and deeper into him with each passing moment.
Did you ever love me? He had asked.
And she looked so sad, not for her, but for him, because her truth was coming out and she knew that it would break him.
Not like you loved me, but I loved you. In my own way I did.
In her own way, she did. Not like she loved Brian, not like he wanted her to. And he thought of her eyes and her kisses, he thought of her smiles and her touches, and he clenched his eyes tight, his fists digging into his hair. He wanted to burn her from his mind – to stop this pain that was flaring up inside of him.
Not like you loved me, but I loved you…
But she really didn’t. To Nick there was only one love, and that was what he felt for her. It was to his utter despair that this same love was what she felt for Brian, and what Brian felt for her. He knew that now. He knew it from the way she looked at him, from the way she kissed him, from the way she said 'I love you'. He saw it all so clearly. He saw it all so terribly.
In my own way I did…
Cruel. That’s what it all was: cruel. Cruel because he couldn’t have her, cruel because he couldn’t hate her, cruel because he couldn’t judge her.
And cruel because he wanted her to be happy, even if it meant letting her be with Brian. Even if it meant, letting Brian have her.
Cruel. So fucking cruel.
