Boy, you should know what you’re falling for
Baby, do you dare to do this?
‘Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse
Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, a perfect storm?
‘Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine
There’s no going back.
~Dark Horse by Katy Perry
Leslie sighed as she stared down at the keyboard beneath her fingertips. The familiar white and black keys staring right back up at her. Though inanimate, they seemed to taunt her.
Her fingers gently slid over the keys, feeling the smooth polished surfaces. She slowly closed her eyes and allowed her mind to roam. Roam back in time. Roam back to that fateful day when her world had collided with the world of another. The world of a man who had completely taken over every inch of her heart. A man she never had a chance of not falling in love with. But God, how she had tried.
She could hear the faint echoes of piano cords clanging and of passionate sighs ringing through her ears. Her skin tingled as she remembered the way the warm breeze coming through the windows had trickled over her. How his gentle lips had brushed up against hers ever so softly. She could see his intense, beautiful, blue eyes staring into hers, pouring every emotion imaginable into her. How could she have not known his love for her then?
Without much conscious effort, she found her fingers starting to play the notes she had played a hundred times before. The notes that had sprouted a whole new meaning when she had played them on that unsuspecting Sunday afternoon in London. She could remember the feeling she had playing this piece for him. Fear, excitement, wonder. She didn’t think about it at the time, but she could see now that these notes reverberating around her were the significant catalyst that had propelled them forward to their current heartbreak. It was these emotional notes that had ultimately caused them to fall into each other. To ultimately fall in love with each other.
Leslie’s mind liked to play terrible ‘what if’ games with her. What if her and Nick didn’t have a piano sitting in that hotel room? What if she had checked that room service had closed the door behind them that day? What if Brian had not walked by hearing the notes she was playing? What if she had refused to play this stupid song? She couldn’t help but think, would they have ever acted on their feelings? As much as she wanted to believe they wouldn’t have, she knew that wasn’t the truth. Maybe they wouldn’t have given into each other on that particular Sunday afternoon, when the sun was shining and the flowers were in full bloom, but on an unsuspecting Tuesday evening after a concert. Or maybe after one of their many walks through the cities they were touring. Their feelings were a ticking time bomb. It was not a matter of if, but when they would stumble and intertwine their hearts with one another.
As the notes filled the room and swirled about her, her heart started to ache. She breathed in deeply, forcing her fingers to stop abruptly. The sad notes faded and she sat there quietly, finally opening her eyes to stare back down at the keyboard. Amazing how the white and black keys could produce such life changing notes. When looking down at those keys, all she could see was him. Brian Littrell, a man she had unexpectedly and hopelessly fallen in love with.
She missed him so terribly.
She pushed away from the keyboard then, needing to get away from the memories bouncing around her head. She walked up the stairs to her room and closed the door behind her. She slowly laid down and stared up at the ceiling.
The house was eerily quiet. Both her parents were out running errands and Amy was out with Michael. She certainly didn’t like it. Being alone gave her too much of an opportunity to think. Think about the past year and all that had transpired. Think of Brian’s kisses and his wandering hands. Of his blue eyes staring into hers and of his beautiful, genuine smile that had made her heart melt more times than she could count. She wondered if he was okay. Where was he? What was he doing? Was he thinking about her? Did he stay up at night, staring out the window, wondering what she was doing too?
She also couldn’t help but think of Nick. All the guilt that had settled in her heart was not wavering, but cementing into her very cells. She felt completely responsible for his heartbreak, and from this, there was no ease of her mind or heart. She wanted so much for him to forgive her and Brian. Forgive them for hurting him so terribly and for lying to him for so long. She wanted him to be happy more than anything. She wanted him to find someone who made her feel so completely whole like Brian did for her. He deserved that kind of love. As much as he may have loved her, she knew in her heart that she could never feel the same way back, and it wouldn’t have been fair of her to stay with him. There was someone, somewhere that would be able to love him the way he deserved to be loved.
Leslie hoped that Nick was starting to heal, at least in some way. She knew it would take a lot of time for him to get over what she and Brian had done, but she wished for their sakes and especially his, that he was starting that long process toward being able to forgive and love again.
Above all else though, she wondered constantly if Nick and Brian had finally talked with one another and possibly sorted some issues out. She knew that things hadn’t completely gone sour with them. They were still touring with no reportable mishaps. Ken, their tour manager, had released a statement when she had left the tour that the group was working through some problems, that things were going okay, and that there was nothing to worry about. This seemed to quiet the media somewhat, but more so the fans. The fans still wanted answers to the rumors that were circulating, but it calmed them to see that the boys were not breaking up. Leslie saw that it was more important than ever for the boys to show a united front. If they continued showing cooperation with each other, the anger and the confusion amongst the fans and media would eventually fade.
Surprisingly enough, a recent event had transpired that confirmed the band was seemingly united. Amy had stumbled upon a video on TMZ of Nick on the streets of Louisiana and had told Leslie about it. Leslie was trying to stay away from the media as best as she could, knowing that anything they printed or posted would ultimately hurt her more, but Amy insisted that she take a look at it. She gave in and eventually searched for the video. In it, the paparazzi were following Nick down a street to his hotel. She had been immediately angry seeing them bombard him with camera flashes and questions. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? They were like blood sucking leeches.
Nick held his cool however, shielding his eyes from the bright flares of light. She noticed that he looked good though. He seemed stressed and a little tired, but his features seemed more at ease than the last time she saw him. Less angry. This eased her heart somewhat.
She watched as the paparazzi followed him for what seemed like forever, throwing anything and everything they could at him to try and get a rise out of him. It wasn’t until they had thrown out her name that he had reacted. Because there was so much commotion, she couldn’t make out what they had asked/said about her, but Nick’s reaction was instantaneous. He immediately stopped in his tracks, turned to a man in the crowd to his right, his face contorted in anger. He jabbed his finger towards the man yelling, “Don’t you say one more fucking thing about her!”
He glared at the man another moment and then turned, starting towards the main entrance to the hotel. He then abruptly stopped, turned back around, and addressed the paparazzi surrounding him. He was trying so incredibly hard to keep his composure, “And stop spreading lies about her! She doesn’t deserve the way you’re portraying her. You have no idea what happened between us and quite frankly, it’s none of your damned business! I’m only going to say this once, so listen closely. Certain individuals, including me, have made some mistakes. We’re all working through these issues the best we know how but it’s going to take some time to get things situated. If you’re waiting for me to explode, for me to abandon the group, or for me to talk shit about the people in my life, then stop wasting your damned time because it’s not going to happen! This is a private matter! Now leave me the fuck alone!” And with that, he turned on his heal and entered the hotel, disappearing from sight.
She remembers feeling shocked and slightly elated that he had defended her in some way. His reaction could have many meanings. Was he faking it to save face? Was he maybe on his way to forgiving her and Brian? Did he have every intention of staying with the group after all? She had so many questions running through her head that she didn’t know where to begin.
She could easily find out answers to these questions if she would just pick up the phone. Brian would have to have some answers, but she was too afraid of what those answers would be. She was more content believing optimistically that Nick’s reaction was more positive than negative. Maybe he really was starting to forgive her. Maybe he wasn’t so angry anymore. Maybe he was starting to heal. Though she knew deep down that chances of this were pretty slim. Sometimes ignorance really was bliss.
Regardless, even if it wasn’t to talk about Nick, she wished she could hear Brian’s voice. He had stopped calling so frequently, and she certainly didn’t blame him for that. Her lack of answering his calls was definitely the culprit. She had texted him letting him know that she was okay, that she was in Denver with her parents, and just needed some time away. She made sure to ask if he was doing okay. He had texted back saying that he was doing alright, considering, that he understood her needing some time, and that when she was ready, he would be there for her. Above all else though, he made sure to tell her he loved her. Without hesitation, she had told him she loved him back.
That was a few weeks ago. It had been almost two months since coming to her parent’s house. Her first night here was not the most pleasant, but she had expected that. Her parents were happy to have her home knowing that she was safe and in good hands, but they had a lot of questions, understandably. They didn’t waste any time addressing them either. As soon as the food was set on the table and everyone had taken a seat, they let her have it. What was she thinking? How could she do this to Nick? Wasn’t Brian engaged? Wasn’t he having a baby? What about her career? What was she going to do now?
The questions were endless. She listened patiently, expecting every question that flew out of their mouths. She did her best to explain the entire situation, though it was hard justifying something that she could barely understand herself. When she had finally explained that she loved Brian, more than she had ever loved anyone, her parents faces had softened. No matter how she tried to explain what had happened, they would never be able to fully understand why she strayed so far from her upbringing and morals, but what they could understand was how love forced people to make crazy, irrational decisions. But on top of everything, Leslie was their daughter and they loved her. Though they didn’t agree with how the situation arose, they supported her.
Since that night, day by day, things had started to get better. Not only with her family, but in the public eye as well. Nick’s outburst seemed, oddly enough, to have helped matters a little. The tabloids had slowly started to move onto other stories. With her disappearing off to Colorado and the boys still touring, seemingly sticking together, the story was bound to fizzle.
She had gone out shopping a couple times with Amy and out to dinner a few times with her family, and though there were the occasional outbursts from fans who had recognized her, those instances were becoming fewer and more far between. She could only hope with a little more time that everything could go back to normal. She knew this was only wishful thinking, but she couldn’t help to be somewhat optimistic.
Leslie was taking this time away to regroup and cool off. She had briefly spoken to her agent and he had agreed that it was definitely in her best interests to lay low for a little while. He tried to ease her mind by telling her he truly didn’t believe the situation would affect her career. She wanted to believe him, but she was still terrified. What was she going to do if she couldn’t dance? She’d have to completely start over. And if she did have to start over, where would she even begin? Here, in Colorado? Back in LA? She knew this was all dependent on how this whole story panned out. Dependent on the boys staying together or not. Dependent on Brian.
She was hoping that with the tabloids cooling off and her not being present on the tour that it would not only help Nick heal, but maybe, just maybe, it would give the group a chance to work things out. The last thing she ever wanted was to tear the group apart. Their actions affected so many people’s lives on so many different levels that the guilt within her was excruciating. She only hoped that something good could emerge from such a terrible situation.
She sighed and turned onto her side. She stared at the clock above her dresser, watching the seconds hand tick by. She felt so incredibly tired. All day, every day, these thoughts circled through her head. The more she thought about Brian, about Nick, about her future, the more exhausted she had become. There was never any resolution, but how could there be? They had messed up so terribly that there couldn't be a resolution anytime in the near future. The only solace through her torment was to think about better times. Times before everything had blown up in their faces. Even though those memories were painful, they were at least somewhat comforting. So, she found herself once again allowing her mind to wander. Wander back again to that unsuspecting Sunday afternoon when she had felt more alive than she had ever felt before. Back to when she had first experienced the first true pains of love. Wandering back into those loving, intense blue eyes.
A few states away, those same blue eyes stared up at the clock above the dresser in his hotel room. He looked away, down at the cell phone in his hands. He couldn’t count how many times he had read Leslie’s few text messages. Hundreds of times? Thousands of times? They comforted him whenever he needed comforting, which unsurprisingly was often as of late.
The words ‘I love you’ stared up at him. He smiled slightly, but that small smile quickly disappeared. Stress was etched over his face. It was hard to smile about anything anymore. Granted, when he’d get up on stage, the energy from the crowd did boost his mood, even if for a little while. It was during those couple hours that he was able to escape the hellish cloud that had settled over them all. He escaped into the music and into his fans, into what he loved to do. They all did. He could see it on all of their faces, including Nick’s. If it wasn’t for these moments, he didn’t know what he would do. Most likely be locked up in a bedroom somewhere, sleeping the days away.
He couldn’t help but think that these concerts were therapeutic for all of them. He had the horrible feeling that if it wasn’t for the tour that they would have broken up as soon as the incident at Leslie’s birthday party had come to pass. Oddly enough, it was those moments on stage that were gluing them together, and he felt so incredibly grateful for that. Grateful to Nick especially for finding the courage to continue on with the tour. For not giving up when he could have easily, and understandably, walked away. Nick may not realize it, but his decision to stay may possibly turn out to be their saving grace.
These thoughts encouraged him on a daily basis and he wanted so much to tell Leslie so that it could encourage her as well. Unfortunately, he couldn’t share in his hopeful thoughts because they had not spoken in a few weeks. It was hard not being able to talk to her, though he understood why she wanted them to distance themselves from one another. It wasn’t to punish each other further, but to take this time to focus. They had spent so many months only thinking of one another that it was time to put their focus on the people around them that they had affected so terribly. Leslie’s contribution was to not contribute at all, which was the best option at this point. Having her interfere in any way would only make things worse. It was up to Brian to try and fix what they had both broken.
It had been a couple months since Leslie was kicked off the tour and it felt like the longest 2 months of his life. As a group, they had not addressed the rumors that were swirling around the internet and the tabloids officially. Apart from Nick’s outburst in Louisiana, which had shocked them all greatly, they had kept quiet. The only statement that was released was Ken’s and they planned to keep it that way, at least for a little while. They feared that staying quiet would hurt them, but their silence seemed to have comforted the fans. I mean, no news was good news right? They were still touring. And in the fans eyes, when they performed, there didn’t seem to be any animosity amongst them. They did their best every night to show that they were a united front and that seemed to be good enough for the time being. With them keeping quiet and their continued touring with no reportable instances, the tabloids had started to focus on bigger and better stories. The relief this brought was insurmountable.
The fans had also calmed down from harassing Brian as much as they had been. The animosity towards Leslie was still present, but even that wasn’t as intense at it originally was. It comforted him when every night he saw less and less signs bashing her in the crowd. He couldn’t help but thank Nick’s outburst for this current development. If Nick was defending her in public, then that means he couldn’t be all that angry with her could it? Could it also mean that the rumors circulating might not be completely true? Out of respect for Nick, they were backing off from their public display of hatred toward Leslie. Brian wasn’t sure if Nick had noticed the difference. Tension with the fans was definitely diminishing as time went by.
Tensions between them all were still very real and very present however. When he was alone with AJ and Howie, they were able to relax and be the same goofy guys they always were, but when Nick was in the room, things would grow quiet and more careful. AJ and Howie did their best to act as normal as possible. Nick was receptive to their jokes and their conversation starters which was a good sign. AJ had told him that Nick was better around other people when he wasn’t around. This saddened Brian to an extent, but he understood. This information eased his mind however. At least Nick wasn’t acting depressed and angry all of the time. He was only depressed and angry around him. It was nice to hear that Nick was still Nick and that he hadn’t completely ruined the man.
Nick had barely addressed Brian these past couple months. Brian was trying to be respectful and was giving him his space, but it was getting harder to keep quiet. He wanted to talk with Nick so incredibly bad. It killed him inside knowing that Nick hated him as much as he did. He missed his best friend. Touring wasn’t the same without their silly antics. He was having to deal with Leslie not being there beside him, but he was also mourning the loss of a friend. A friend who was only a few feet from him on most days.
Nick did a very good job ignoring Brian as much as possible. It was impressive to be honest. Nick had a great ability of looking through somebody as if they didn’t exist. Brian sometimes found himself looking around, waiting for others to acknowledge him to give him peace of mind that he was still there and not some ghost that had faded into the walls.
Though things weren’t getting any worse between the two of them, things didn’t seem to be getting any better either. Except recently. Amazingly, two days prior, Nick had finally slipped up on his hardened exterior towards him. They had all just climbed up on stage to start their rehearsal for that night’s show in Kansas City. AJ and Nick were over grabbing their microphones by the side of the stage. Brian made sure to leave enough space between him and Nick, as he was afraid any close proximity to him might set him off at any time. But something happened that he certainly did not expect. As he waited for AJ and Nick to get their microphones and get into position, Nick had turned around with not only his microphone, but Brian’s as well. Nick approached Brian with his hand held out, offering the microphone up to him, “Here you go Rok.”
Brian’s mouth had immediately fallen open and for a split second he couldn’t move. Was this a trick? Did Nick just speak to him? Nick had not directly addressed him in nearly 2 months, so was this really happening? Brian’s eyes met Nick’s momentarily before they shifted over to AJ. AJ and Howie stood there, their mouths hanging open just as far, completely frozen in place. He looked back on the situation now and could remember how eerily quiet it had gotten on that stage. All the roadies had stopped moving completely and all eyes had turned to the two figures standing face to face. Everyone was waiting for a fight to break out, their muscles tensed to spring into action to break up anything that turned violent.
Brian’s eyes shifted back to Nick. Nick didn’t waver but only stared at him, waiting. When Brian didn’t react quick enough, Nick gently shook the microphone at Brian to take it. Involuntarily, Brian raised his hand and wrapped his hand around the base, gently taking the microphone away from Nick. He replied a little breathlessly, “Thanks.”
And with that, Nick walked past him to his awaiting mic stand. There was a collective sigh from everyone witnessing the exchange and with relief, they all continued on their way. Brian stared down at the microphone in his hands in complete shock. What had just happened? He had no idea what to make of it.
All he could do at the time was turn around and meet the others in the middle of the stage to go on with their rehearsal. Nick hadn’t spoken to him since, which only confused him more. It made him question if the entire scenario even occurred. He had to ask AJ and Howie several times for them to confirm, yes, Nick really did speak to him.
He couldn’t help but feel some hope with what had occurred. He remembers looking up into Nick’s eyes and for once not seeing pure hatred jabbing back at him. His eyes and voice had been calm. He was the old Nick for that brief moment. The Nick from a few months prior whose heart had yet to be ripped from his chest. The scene ran through his head over and over again and the more he thought about it, the more it nagged at him. What did it mean? What did it mean?
So here he was, sitting on his hotel bed, once again revisiting the exchange on that stage just two nights prior. He had come to the conclusion that Nick was maybe trying to tell him something. But what? That he was ready to talk? Or maybe he was being a complete idiot and was reading way too much into it. Maybe Nick had just had a complete lapse of judgment and for a moment had reverted back to something he had involuntarily done for Brian a million times before at a million other rehearsals.
He sighed, ringing his hands together as he stared up at the clock once more. Maybe he was overreacting and overanalyzing but he couldn’t risk not trying. So there he sat, trying to muster the courage to finally talk to his wronged friend, using Leslie’s texts as a form of encouragement. Trying to find the strength to walk down the hallway to his hotel room door and knock. To sit him down and lay out everything that had happened in the past year. To wear his heart on his sleeve and to be completely honest. Though his heart felt like it was going to beat right out of his chest, he tried to suppress the terror rising within him. It was time to sincerely apologize for what he had done to his best friend.
