But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
~ G. Moore
Brian knocked on Nick’s front door and waited, taking a chance to look at how beautiful it was outside that day. The sun was shining and it wasn’t too hot. Brian had woken up that morning seeing this as a perfect opportunity to play some basketball. And who better to play basketball with than Nick? Besides, he needed to get out of the house. Leighanne was driving him crazy and he had yet to talk to her. He couldn’t seem to fit in what he had to say in any conversation, but he was beginning to reach a breaking point. It was either sit her down and talk to her, or have a blow up incident that he’d later regret.
Nick finally opened the door and was surprised to see Brian standing there, “Hey Rok, what’s up?”
“Want to play some ball?” he asked.
Nick’s face lit up immediately, “God, yes. I’ve been bored to tears around here.”
Brian knew he would be. Dance rehearsals were finally over and they were leaving for their tour in only a week’s time. As of now, they’ve been running through the set and perfecting the show, but otherwise, it was all a waiting game.
Brian followed Nick into his house and took a seat on his leather couch in the living room.
“So what’s new?” Brian asked, listening to Nick shuffle through a closet in search of a basketball.
“Meh, nothing really, just resting up you know,” he replied.
Brian opened his mouth to respond but stopped when he saw Leslie walk up the back porch steps from the beach. She slid the door open and walked in, sporting a jogging suit.
She stopped suddenly when she saw Brian sitting on the couch, “Brian, hi.”
“Hey Leslie,” Brian said back.
Brian thought how ridiculous it was to not have expected Leslie to be here. He hadn’t seen her in a few days now that rehearsals were over and done with, and it only made things worse. It seemed the more time they spent away from one another, the stronger his feelings grew. Every time he saw her, a ball formed in his stomach and he would become flustered and nervous. Just like with Leighanne, he was also reaching a breaking point with Leslie. He could sense the same from her too.
“What are you up to?” she asked, taking a seat across from him on a loveseat.
“Nick and I were going to play some ball. Care to join?”
“Tempting, but I was actually going to go out for a run. I just got done stretching. You’re welcome to join me,” she offered.
Brian’s immediate response would have been ‘yes’, but he quickly stopped, thinking of Nick.
“Well, I-“
“Hey baby,” Nick said happily, coming back in the room and throwing the basketball at Brian.
Brian caught the ball and watched as Nick walked over and kissed Leslie’s lips softly. She smiled at him and then glanced at Brian, blushing a little bit.
“I just invited Brian for a little jog. Did you want to come with?” she asked, returning her attention back to Nick.
He scrunched up his nose, “Not exactly. But Bri, if you want to go, that’s fine. We can play when you get back.”
“It would be a good warm up,” Brian replied, trying to justify his need to go with Leslie. The fact that Nick wouldn’t be there only heightened his desire. He yearned to be alone with her.
Leslie smiled, standing up, “Great. We’ll be back in 20 or so okay?”
Nick nodded, planting another kiss on her lips, “I’ll be waiting. Be careful.”
“You know it,” Brian said, getting up as well and following Leslie to the front door.
When Leslie and Brian closed the door behind them, they nervously looked at one another.
“You can set the pace,” she offered.
“You sure?”
She nodded, “Course.”
They walked down Nick’s driveway to the main residential street in silence, and then Brian began to jog slowly. Leslie started up, coming up beside him. They stayed in silence for a few moments, and Leslie finally broke it, “How have you been?”
Brian knew the question was only to break the tension between them, “I’ve been good. And you?”
“Just fine,” she replied. Silence then overwhelmed them again and after a few moments Leslie laughed, “Okay, this is awkward.”
Brian smirked, “Yeah, but why?”
Leslie glanced at Brian, knowing full well why it was awkward. She knew he knew too and realized he had wanted her to say what they were both thinking out loud, but she refused, “Maybe it’s because this is the first time we’ve ever been alone together.”
She was right and Brian was a bit surprised at this. He hadn’t realized that they had never been alone together. Maybe it was because whenever he was around her, it always felt like it was just the two of them. She took all of his attention and he blocked everything else out. When they danced, they would both get lost in each other’s eyes, but circumstantially and physically, this really was their first time alone with one another. Now that this moment had arrived, he felt like he didn’t know how to handle it.
“You’re right. Why don’t we ever hang out otherwise?”
Leslie sighed, taking a chance, “I think you know why Brian.”
He was shocked to finally hear her refer to their unspoken relationship. They both ran in silence for a few moments and Brian looked at Leslie out of the corner of his eye. His heart melted all over again at the sight of her. How could one woman have this affect on him? He didn’t understand it. And he couldn’t control it.
“Leslie, I-“
“Let’s not talk about it Brian,” Leslie interrupted. It was clear she was uncomfortable and she had regretted opening up an avenue for a conversation that could only mean further trouble.
Brian slowed down his pace and finally stopped. Leslie stopped as well, noticing how he was no longer by her side. She turned and looked at him, worried.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen Leslie,” Brian said softly, looking at her apologetically.
She stared him sadly, nodding her head, “I didn’t mean for it to happen either.”
“Then what do we do?” he asked.
“Nothing. You know that,” she replied.
“But is that possible?”
“It has to be. How are we going to get through the tour if it’s not?”
“That’s what I’m worried about,” Brian said, approaching her. She didn’t budge but allowed him to get closer. He raised his arm and brushed his finger tips across her forearm. She closed her eyes, relishing his touch.
Leslie took in a deep breath, only being able to focus on Brian’s fingers. She had to stop it, but didn’t know how. Brian was about to lean in to kiss her when she interrupted him.
“Brian, I love Nick,” she finally stated.
Brian dropped his hand and stared at her, “You do?”
She looked up into his eyes, “I think so. I can’t do this to him.”
“I don’t want to hurt him either Leslie. He’s my best friend,” Brian said softly.
“Then we need to stop this.”
He already knew this fact but hated hearing those words all the same.
“And what about Leighanne?”
Brian sighed, “I know.”
“You love her don’t you?”
He slowly nodded, “She’s going to be my wife isn’t she?”
“Yeah,” Leslie replied quietly, looking over Brian’s sad face. They stood there for moment, staring at each other. Leslie licked her lips and spoke up, “Why do I feel this way?”
“Like what?”
She raised her hand and touched her heart, “It hurts. I never thought that I would be in this position. How can I care for two men at the same time?”
Brian looked at her with sympathy, completely understanding how she was feeling, “You’re not alone in this Leslie. I’m going through the same thing.”
She nodded, “So we just need to set some boundaries.”
“Like?”
“Well, for one, we should try not to be alone with one another like this.”
“But is that fair? Friends hang out all the time,” Brian stated.
“Brian, we aren’t just friends,” Leslie replied, looking up at him desperately, wanting him to help her along with this. He was making it hard. “We can never be just friends.”
“But I want to be,” he said quietly.
“I do too, but how can we when we have these… these… feelings?” she finally let out, searching for the right words to use. Brian knew what she meant and saw the sadness and finality in the situation.
“Alright, so we can’t be alone,” Brian softly said, wanting so much to lean down and kiss her lips like he had seen Nick do so many times before.
“And we shouldn’t touch unless absolutely necessary,” she said, looking down at Brian’s fingers that had found there way back to grazing her skin. She stepped back from his touch, looking up into his eyes.
He sighed, “So only during shows then?”
“Yes,” she said.
“What else?”
“You shouldn’t look at me like that,” she said.
He raised his eyebrows in surprise, “Like what?”
“Like that. Like you are now.”
“How can I control that Leslie? I can’t. Just like you can’t control how you look at me.”
“I don’t look at you like you’re looking at me,” she replied.
“You don’t? Because lord knows every time you look at me I feel my whole world stop. I don’t know how you can show so much passion and caring in your eyes, but you do. You make this so hard for me.”
“I know Brian, but you make it just as hard for me.”
“So what, we can’t ever look at each other?” Brian mocked, clearly noticing the ridiculousness of the situation.
“It’s not something to joke about Brian. This is serious. This is not only our lives but Leigh’s, Nick’s, and even the rest of the guys’.”
Brian sighed, running his hand through his hair, wanting so much to grab her to hold her, to kiss her, to maybe even love her.
“So what do we do then?”
“Just try to get over this,” she replied.
“But what if I don’t want to?”
She was a bit shocked to hear those words and it was clearly shown on her face.
“Do you want to?” he asked, noticing her shocked demeanor.
“Well, yes,” she continued. Brian’s heart sank in his chest but skipped a beat when she continued, “And no.”
She looked at him with so much sadness, “I know that if we were to ever act on our feelings that we would hurt those we love, but I don’t want to get over this. I feel terrible for saying this, but it’s the truth. I feel so alive when you’re in the room.”
“I feel the same way,” he smiled lightly at her. They were quiet again, only looking at one another. This time, Brian broke the silence, speaking with so much sadness, “Why couldn’t I have met you years ago?”
Her heart broke at those words. She knew that circumstances would be completely different if they had only met at a different time when both of them were available. Now they can never see what could have been. They never had a chance.
“Because that would have been too easy,” Leslie said, trying to lighten the mood.
Brian smiled softly at her, “I guess so. I just wish things were different. It’s not fair that it’s this hard.”
“I know love,” Leslie said quietly.
Brian’s heart stopped in his chest when she called him ‘love’. The one word he yearned for and she finally said it. Not only that, but she said it with the same emotion and sincerity that she always gave Nick. Tears came to his eyes then and he tried desperately to blink them away, feeling stupid for being affected by something so insignificant.
“Brian, what’s wrong?” Leslie asked, concerned.
He shook his head, taking in a deep breath, “Nothing.”
The fact was it had finally hit him how incredibly depressing this entire situation was. He was engaged to a woman he was having second thoughts about. He loved Leighanne but he wasn’t sure if that was enough anymore. And here he was totally engrossed in this woman set before him. She too was in a relationship that seemed to be blossoming, but this relationship was with his best friend. His best friend that had never had the love of a good woman. His best friend that needed this woman more than anyone in the world.
How could this happen to him? Had he done something wrong to deserve this?
Leslie raised her hand and softly touched his cheek, “Seriously Brian, what is it?”
“This just sucks,” he let out. He repeated, more to himself than to Leslie, “Why couldn’t I have met you before?”
He covered her hand with his and he stared into her eyes, wanting more than ever to just block everything out and just be there with her. To be with her and not worry about hurting his friends and loved ones. To be with her and not worry about the consequences. He didn’t know how she did it, but just looking at her calmed him. Just looking at her relaxed him to his core and she allowed him to forget all the chaos that constantly surrounded him.
She reached up and gently kissed him on the cheek, and he closed his eyes, his breath catching in his throat. Her lips had felt softer than he ever imagined they would be.
“Maybe in time, these feelings will just go away,” she suggested.
Brian nodded, letting go of her hand. She let her hand drop away from his cheek and he replied, “Maybe.”
“It’s just a crush isn’t it?” she asked.
Brian wanted to disagree with her because it was clearly more than just a crush, but he didn’t want to make her feel like there was no way out of this. He knew that she realized this fact too, and mentioning that what they had was only a crush was her way of being optimistic. It was her way of coping.
“You’re right,” Brian finally responded. He tried to push the growing feelings within him aside, “So we’ll just stay away from one another. Try not to put ourselves in any situation where we could do things we’d later regret, and in time, this will fade. This will be fine.”
She smiled lightly up at him and nodded, “Okay. So that’s it?”
He agreed, “That’s it.”
She gave him one last smile and then motioned for him that it was okay for him to continue on with his jog. They jogged around the block but made their way back to Nick’s realizing that their conversation took up more time than was intended. The fact that the conversation even occurred was unexpected in itself. They both had individually thought that what they had would go unspoken. Though at the end of their conversation they both agreed that it was possible to move on from this, they still thought to themselves that it wasn’t that simple. What they had didn’t feel like a passing phase. If anything, finally admitting their feelings to one another only worsened the situation. It was unsettling but incredibly sad at the same time. They wanted each other, but knew they could never have one another.
Of course, unexpected things happen all the time. There was no way of knowing what would happen on tour. It was only a matter of time before they both weakened enough to give into their desires. It was only a matter of time before they crumbled.
