Let's not think about it every day
And I know I'm so in love with you
I'm finding it harder and harder to breathe every time I'm near
My beautiful woman
~by Backstreet Boys
“Leighanne, we shouldn’t do this right now,” Brian groaned, frustrated that this was happening now. Now. Right when he was about to go on stage for their very first concert of the tour.
“Do what now Brian?” Leighanne stood in front of him, her hands on her hips, staring at him with growing anger.
“This,” he breathed out, exasperated.
“This? That’s all I get?”
“Leighanne, please, can we do this after the show?” Brian asked, getting up from one of his dressing room chairs. He was already in costume and was waiting to be called on stage. Well, now he was begging for it. He needed to get away from Leighanne. He could tell this was a conversation that could last a long time.
“No! I want to talk right now!”
Brian looked at his closed door longingly, wanting so much to escape. Why did he have to ask her to stop talking about wedding plans? Why had he picked right now to open his fat mouth? Of course, he couldn’t help it. She was driving him crazy. He was already stressed and nervous about the show and she wasn’t helping matters. He had snapped, and he knew now that he was going to regret this.
Brian approached Leighanne and put his hands on her upper arms, rubbing them softly.
She sighed heavily and rolled her eyes, “Brian, this is ridiculous. You’ve barely said ten words to me in the past couple of weeks and out of no where you snap at me to stop talking about our wedding. How do you think that makes me feel?”
“I’m sorry Leighanne. I know I’ve been out of it. I’m just stressed out. This tour is a big thing and with the wedding and other…things, it’s just overwhelming,” he stated.
“You shouldn’t take this out on me Brian,” she said a bit harshly.
He felt a pang of hurt at her lack of sympathy. It was unlike her to not understand where he was coming from.
He pulled away from her, running his hands through his hair, “Leighanne, for the love of God, I’m not taking anything out on you! There are just more important things right now besides our wedding.”
Her eyebrows raised and she scoffed, “Really? More important things than our wedding? Our wedding?”
He knew he had crossed a line then but he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at her.
She stepped forward, anger etched over her face, “I understand that you’ve been planning this tour Brian, but that doesn’t explain to me why you’ve been so distant. That doesn’t tell me why you aren’t affectionate with me anymore. I start filming next week, but do you see me getting distracted like you? No! Because I fucking care about this marriage Brian! I have my fucking priorities straight!”
“I don’t have my priorities straight?” Brian was speechless and anger was growing steadily within him.
“No, you don’t!”
“Leighanne, open your damned eyes! You care about the wedding itself more than you care about me! All I do is supply the endless number of dollar bills that keep getting dumped into stupid accessories for a wedding that will only last a matter of hours!”
“Stupid accessories?” she asked quietly, hurt clearly shown on her face.
“Yes, stupid, useless accessories!”
She nodded her head, pursing her lips, “Alright, stupid useless accessories. And then I guess I’m just one of those stupid useless accessories huh?”
She turned and made her way to the door.
Brian sighed heavily, not wanting this to happen like it was, “Leighanne, stop…”
She opened the door and looked back at him, shaking her head, tears about to spill over from her eyes, “Why couldn’t you have done this earlier?”
“Done what?” he asked confused. Realization dawned on him then and he quickly continued, “Leighanne, I’m not ending our engagement!”
Brian began to approach her once more but she put her hand up to stop him, “You’ve been acting like it ended weeks ago.”
“That’s not true,” he said. He opened his mouth to speak again but was interrupted by a stage hand, pushing open the door, “5 minutes Brian.”
Brian bit his lip in frustration, nodding his head curtly, “Fine.”
The stage hand turned and made his way down the hall to warn the other guys. Brian and Leighanne stood there for a moment, staring at one another. Brian finally stepped forward. He exited the room but turned back and looked at Leighanne, who was standing there with tears streaming down her face, “We’ll talk about this after the show. Stay here.”
She closed her eyes, reached her hand out, and slammed the door shut in his face.
He sighed once more but knew that he had to push this aside or his performance was going to be off that night. He had to look at the positive. He finally opened a gate for further discussion, though it wasn’t what he had intended. That was his fault though. He should have talked to her before the tour even started. He had been selfish though, not wanting to cause anymore stress in his life than there already was.
He made his way backstage to his position on the elevator that would push him and the rest of the guys up and through the stage. He could already hear the band pumping up the crowd. His heart started to race as he heard the loud, pounding screams. Nick turned and grinned at him as he stepped up onto the lift.
“Oh man, you ready for this?”
Brian grinned, despite his inner turmoil. He was genuinely happy. It was when he was on stage that he seemed to be complete. He loved it.
“More than you know,” he responded.
Nick clapped him on the back and then turned into his standing position. AJ winked at Brian and Howie smiled, Brian doing the same.
“15 seconds!” someone screamed from behind them.
Brian closed his eyes, realizing then that they hadn’t done their group prayer. He sighed inwardly but said a prayer to himself anyway, which helped calm him to a degree. He was more excited than anything now.
“Microphones on in 5!”
The lift then started to rise and his heart jumped wildly in his chest. He could hear the beginning notes of ‘Everybody’. He could now see the mass of people in front of him, flashes from cameras, glitters from the lights of the stage hitting sparkling clothes. The screaming was intense but he embraced it.
He felt at home.
The lift stopped and as he opened his mouth, fountain fireworks exploded around them, signifying the beginning of their show.
“Everybody...rock your body...everybody, rock your body right,” Brian heard the rest of the guys join in then, the band kicking into action, “Backstreet’s back, alright!”
They stepped forward, doing their choreography they had drilled into their heads. He could feel the backup dancers appear behind them, joining in their dancing. AJ then opened his mouth and continued to sing, already working the crowd as we continued in our movements, “Oh my God we’re back again, brother, sisters, everybody sing…”
The crowd was eating it all up and all of the boys were on a high. It had been too long since they had done this and now that they were back here, they never wanted it to end.
The song finally finished and Nick stepped forward, “Geeeeeeeermany! We’re baaaaack!”
Nick grinned, wriggling his eyebrows. The screams intensified and he laughed into the microphone.
“Man, it’s been awhile, but it’s good to be back, and what better place to kick off the tour than here with you?”
Howie stepped forward, “We’re forever grateful for each and every one of you for sticking with us and believing in us for all these years. We really wouldn’t be here without all of you!”
AJ then said, “We love you guys.”
The screaming was constant and Brian couldn’t help but laugh. It was always a wonder how the entire stadium didn’t pass out from lack of oxygen intake.
“So sit back and relax Frankfurt, we’re here to party with you!” Brian yelled towards the crowd.
Screams erupted once more and the band started up with ‘Any Other Way’. Nick immediately stepped forward and began singing, “There you go, caught you crashing my dreams again, just when I’m trying to get over you…”
The rest of the concert went off without a hitch. Brian seemed to forget his mounting troubles with Leighanne through the energy of the crowd, the camaraderie between him and the guys, and most of all, Leslie. He would see her out of the corner of his eye and it just made his heart soar. He relished the songs where they got to dance with one another, even if it was only for a chorus or two.
As of late, they hadn’t crossed any of the boundaries set. At least on purpose. They hadn’t been alone together since that day at Nick’s and therefore hadn’t really talked. The only time they saw one another was at rehearsals or in a large group, and the only words passed between them were friendly conversation that was issued among everyone in the room. He still couldn’t stop the staring though and neither could she. He’d glance at her sometimes and see her staring back at him, but she would quickly look away to make it seem that she wasn’t looking.
He knew why he had allowed himself to develop the feelings he had for Leslie. She was something new and fresh in his life. Something that didn’t hold him down and smother him. His world had changed so much since he had proposed to Leighanne but she somehow seemed to steady him, just by her being in the room. It was no wonder why he levitated to her the way he had.
But he was beginning to wonder why she was allowing her feelings to develop as they were. She had heard her tell other people that her and Nick were doing great and about how happy she was. She had personally even told him that she loved him. So then why would she want to jeopardize that? I guess it really all depends. She has no need to justify her feelings because what’s there to justify? Feelings are feelings. They can’t be controlled. They occur when you least expect them to, and he just so happened to develop those same feelings, making it harder on the both of them to move on from one another.
After the show, Brian jumped into his designated van, waiting to be driven to his hotel. All he wanted to do was take a shower and go to sleep, but he knew Leighanne would be there waiting for him. She hadn’t waited in the dressing room like he had told her, which he knew she wouldn’t. She wasn’t one to be bossed around.
Everyone else had decided to go out and celebrate. They had begged Brian to come with, and he had wanted to, but he didn’t want to dig a deeper hole with Leighanne.
He finally reached the hotel, catching the elevator to the top floor where the rest of the guys were staying as well. When the doors slid open, Brian raised his head to come face to face with Leslie.
“Brian,” she said, shocked to see him.
He was shocked as well, stepping out of the elevator, “Hey Leslie. Why aren’t you with everyone else?”
“Not really in the mood to be babysitting a bunch of wild boys," she laughed.
Brian smiled, embracing how she seemed to melt away the stress within him. She continued, "Besides, I figured it would do Nick good to go out and have some alone time and party it up.”
Brian laughed, “You’re a dream come true you know that?”
She raised an eyebrow, “Am I now?”
“I’ve never heard of a girlfriend to openly allow her boyfriend to go out and do whatever he wanted.”
She shrugged, “You can’t pin someone down. If you do, they’re bound to stray aren’t they?”
Brian nodded, noticing the truth in that, “Nick’s lucky to have you Leslie.”
“And Leighanne’s lucky to have you,” she said, brushing past him as she entered the elevator.
Brian turned to look at her, “Where you going?”
“Sauna,” she replied.
“That sounds really nice right about now,” he said.
She had noticed his drained features and the worry in his eyes, “Want to come with?”
He smiled lightly, “Wouldn’t that go against what we talked about?”
“I guess so, but I was offering as a friend because you look like you could use some relaxation right about now.”
“I do?”
She nodded, “Mmhmm, you okay?”
“Just some girl troubles,” he stated. “Nothing extreme.”
She looked at him concerned, “What’s wrong with Leigh?”
“We just got in a fight earlier, no big deal,” Brian tried to brush it off.
“You need someone to talk to?” she asked.
Brian melted at how concerned she was. It had been a long time since he had seen that much caring in Leighanne’s eyes. It had been a long time since someone had cared that much about what he was feeling.
“Thanks Leslie, but I think I just need to go talk to her,” he said.
She nodded, “Alright, but if you needed anything, don’t hesitate to ask.”
He smiled at her one last time and then let go of the elevator door, allowing it to finally shut. He sighed, turning to walk down the hallway to his hotel room. He stopped in front of his door and breathed in, bracing himself.
He slid in the card and waited for the green light to flash before he pushed open the door. He entered the room quietly, shutting the door softly behind him. He immediately noticed Leighanne sitting on a couch, her head in her hands.
Seeing her there made him realize that tonight was going to be the night where he'd lay everything out on the table. Tonight would be the night that determined the path their relationship would take.
“Leigh,” he said softly. She looked over at him and he saw the anger still on her face.
“So I see a little time alone didn’t help,” he mumbled sarcastically, taking off his coat and throwing it over one of the chairs in the room.
She got up, “Actually, it made it worse. I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things you have done lately and you know what Brian?”
“What?”
“You’ve done nothing.”
“And that’s a bad thing?” he asked, not really sure how to respond to what she had just said.
“Yes, it’s a bad thing! You’ve been so disconnected from everything lately. You want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding-”
“Leigh, I just got done doing a concert. I’m tired, I stink… I just want to go to bed,” Brian begged.
He knew it wouldn’t work though. He was just surprised how quickly she jumped back into the argument. It was like he had never even left. It's like he hadn't just performed in front of thousands.
She paused, looking at him, organizing what she wanted to say next.
“How can you sleep right now knowing that I’m unhappy?” she asked, hurt. “And you’re not even listening to what I’m saying. You don’t even care!”
“Of course I care!”
“Then listen to me!”
“I am listening!” Brian yelled, getting annoyed. He sat down, looking up at Leighanne’s furious face. He raised his hands, motioning for her to continue in an attitude that seemed to mock her.
She rolled her eyes, “Don’t have to be a smartass about it.”
“Just fucking talk Leighanne!”
She glared at him, “Why are you being like this?”
“Like what?”
“Like we haven’t been together for 3 years. Like we aren’t in love. Like we aren’t getting married.”
“I didn’t know I was acting like that,” he lied.
Truth was, even though he hadn’t meant for it to happen, he had been pulling away from her.
“You have though Brian. What have I done?”
Brian softened, “Leigh, this is hard.”
Tears started to well up in her eyes, “What’s so hard Brian? I just don’t understand.”
Brian got up and grabbed Leighanne’s hands, leading her to sit on the couch with him.
“Baby, I love you okay?”
She looked at him worried, “Okay. And I love you.”
“But this wedding is getting to me.”
“What do you mean?” she asked quietly, wiping away tears from her face.
“I feel like it’s all we ever talk about. It’s all you ever think about. It’s like I don’t exist anymore.”
“Brian, that’s not true,” she scoffed.
Brian raised his hand, “Let me finish. I know you mean well, but all of this is so unnecessary. I told you from day one that I never wanted a big wedding. I wanted you, my family, your family, a few friends, and that’s it. Why do we have to make it so big?”
“Because it’s a big deal to me Brian. It’s my dream,” she said. “Can’t you understand that?”
He nodded, trying not to get angry with her, “I do understand Leighanne. That’s why I’ve gone along with it for so long. I want you to be happy. To be honest, it didn’t bother me at first. It’s not even the fact that the wedding is huge now, it’s the fact that I have no say in anything. It’s the fact that I don’t seem to matter.”
“What are you talking about? I’ve included you in every decision.”
“Leigh, you’ve included me, but you never listened to anything I wanted. You asked me if I wanted a cigar bar and I told you no, but you thought it would be a good addition for all the men at the reception, so you did it anyway. You asked me if I wanted a candy bar but I said no because you already wanted the fondue fountain, but you went ahead and got it anyway.”
Leighanne didn’t understand why this was such a big deal. She didn’t understand why it bothered him so much.
“I just…I don’t-“
“Understand?” he asked.
She shook her head.
“That's precisely why we’re having this conversation right now. You don’t understand me anymore Leigh. You’ve changed so much since I proposed to you.”
“I haven’t changed,” she said defensively.
“You might not think so but you have. I want my old Leigh back. The one that was so spontaneous and loving. When was the last time we did anything fun? When was the last time we even went out on a date?”
She shook her head, frowning, “I don’t know Bri.”
“I don’t either. If we’re like this now, what’s it going to be like when we’re married?”
“But things will settle down when we’re married. Baby, it’s just the wedding,” she said.
“But if it’s the wedding then it will only topple over into our marriage. I don’t know if I can deal with that. I don’t know if I can do this.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, sniffling. She was getting nervous and he felt incredibly sad for her, for them.
“Now, Leigh, I don’t want you to get upset over this.”
“Get upset over what Brian? What can’t you do?”
Brian sighed, looking at her sadly, “I think we should cool off about the wedding."
She looked at him puzzled and opened her mouth to respond but he continued, "Or call it off completely."
She looked at him, shocked, her mouth falling open, “What?”
Brian started to speak again but she whispered, interrupting him, “You don’t want to marry me?”
“Leigh, I want to marry you, I do, but I think we should just take a break from all this. Breathe a little.”
“But I don’t want to take a break from this Brian. I’m breathing just fine!” she was crying hard now.
“But I’m not! I’m suffocating Leighanne. You’re smothering me.”
She looked at him with so much hurt, “I’m smothering you?”
“I’m sorry honey. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I tried to ignore it but things just got worse.”
“Because of me?” she asked.
“And me,” he said.
“So what? We’re done?”
“No,” he said quickly. “I still want to be with you. I don’t want to end this, but it’s ultimately up to you. We should just take a break from planning and just get back to us. Get back to loving each other. Do you think that’s possible?”
She nodded, ready to agree with anything he said to prevent the wedding from being called off entirely, even though she didn't understand what he was talking about, even though she didn't know what she had done wrong, “Of course.”
“Alright,” he said softly, raising her hand and kissing it.
He knew that she would try to be better but deep down he didn’t know if it would be enough. He only hoped that his pessimism would change along with her, but there was no guarantee. He had lost so much faith in them already, but he couldn't help but be hopeful that they could get back to how they once were. He just knew he didn’t want to throw in the towel just yet.
