when you see the world in her eyes,
and her eyes everywhere in the world.
~ by David Levesque
“Leigh, you sure you don’t want to come? We haven’t been here in awhile. It’ll be fun,” Brian said. Leighanne sighed and looked around the room at her opened luggage, “I want to but I shouldn’t. I have so much to do still before tomorrow.”
She looked up at him apologetically, “I’m sorry.”
He smiled at her and shook his head, “Don’t be sorry. You sure you don’t want me to stay and help with anything?”
She approached him and kissed him lightly, “Go. Seriously. It’ll be some nice alone time.”
Brian nodded, kissing her once more, “Okay, but call me if anything comes up.”
“I will,” she said, turning back to packing her things.
Brian grabbed his Wildcats hat off the dresser and left the room, turning the corner to the elevators. He smiled to himself, thinking of how great the past couple of days have been with Leighanne. They had spent more time together than they had in months and it was refreshing. He remembered how much fun he could have with her by just sitting around and talking.
Though she had been trying and though they were on the right track, he unfortunately still felt unease. He felt that she wasn’t genuinely concerned for their relationship but only doing what she was doing to appease him. Maybe that wasn’t so bad, but he still felt unhappy about it. It was, in some form or another, a lie. Sometimes it felt like she was faking it.
He looked up then and slowed his pace when he saw Leslie facing away from him. Her blonde hair cascaded down her back in curls today and for a split second, his breath caught in his throat.
“Why do I tend to run into you at the elevator?” he asked, approaching her from behind.
Leslie jumped and spun around, “Oh my God!”
Brian laughed, “I didn’t scare you or anything did I?”
She laughed back, holding her heart, “You’re like a cat. I didn’t even hear you.”
“I’m sorry,” he grinned.
She hit him lightly on the arm, “That may work now, but next time I just might have a heart attack.”
“Nah, you’re in too good of shape for that to happen.”
She smiled at him and blushed slightly.
He laughed again, “You blush nearly every time something comes out of my mouth. Am I really that smooth?”
“Oh be quiet Littrell. Don’t give yourself that much credit,” she said sarcastically. The elevator doors opened and they both stepped in.
“Hey, I’m just saying,” he winked.
She rolled her eyes and laughed, “But you’re right. I’m starting to think you’re stalking me.”
“Me stalking you? It’s you stalking me darlin’,” he drawled.
She looked over at him, “Darlin’. I like that.”
Brian smiled, noticing the mounting tension in the elevator. He quickly decided to change the topic, “So, where you going?”
“Actually, I was going to go walk around. I’ve never been to Amsterdam before.”
Brian raised his eyebrows, “Alone?”
She nodded and he continued, “Where’s Nick?”
“Still sleeping. I’ve never dated anyone that sleeps as much as he does.”
Brian laughed, remembering the days when he used to have to room with Nick on the road. He was nearly impossible to wake up in the morning. He always had to result to horrible tactics to get him up. The guy liked his sleep. You couldn’t really blame him for it.
“Seriously though, you shouldn’t be going out alone.”
“Why not?”
“Easy target, that’s why,” Brian stated.
She raised her eyebrow, “Easy target for what? I’ve been known to throw a few punches in my day. I can handle myself.”
The elevator doors opened and they stepped out into the busy lobby.
Brian looked at her surprised, “Really?”
She laughed at the look on his face, “I was a tomboy when I was a kid.”
“You? I don’t believe it,” Brian said. And he really couldn’t. She was definitely a girly girl.
“You better believe it, because it’s all truth my friend,” she winked. “But seriously, what am I an easy target for?”
“Thieves mainly. Europe’s famous for pick-pockets. Plus, it’s just not safe for a woman going out alone. It’s better if you have someone, preferably a guy, with you.”
“I see,” she said, smiling at him.
He looked at her sly smile and couldn’t help but smile back, “What?’
“You’re full of shit Littrell.”
He scoffed, “Am not!”
She laughed, “If you want to tag along, just say so.”
He was taken aback by her comment but quickly recovered, “Hey, now don’t go giving yourself that much credit.” He grinned, referring to the comment she made earlier on the elevator. She blushed again, embarrassed that she had assumed that it was his plan to spend time with her. He saw her blush and quickly continued, not wanting her to think he didn’t want to be with her, “I’m kidding.”
She looked up at him and smiled, “Liar.”
“Seriously. To tell you the truth, I was going to walk around too.”
“But alone? Those prostitutes would be snatching you up off the street. Europe’s famous for violent man-handling prostitutes, didn’t you know that?” she mocked.
Brian laughed, “Touché my lady.”
She laughed and he smiled, stuffing his hands in his pant pockets, “So what do you say?”
“About?” she pushed, wanting to hear the words come out of his mouth.
“How about humoring me and joining me today?”
She bit her lip and looked at him, wondering if this was really a good idea or not. She finally asked, “Where’s Leigh?”
“She’s packing. She leaves tomorrow.”
“Oh right, the movie thing right?”
Brian nodded. She smiled at him, “Alright.”
“Wait, sorry, couldn’t hear you,” he jokingly said, leaning in, cupping his ear.
She rolled her eyes, “Shut up and start walking.”
Brian laughed, “Okay okay.”
He walked to the front door and held it open for her. She started walking down the street and he rushed to catch up with her. She looked over at him, “You do realize we keep violating our rules.”
Brian shrugged, “Rules are meant to be broken.”
“Maybe they are,” she said and then bluntly stated, “This isn’t a date.”
He quickly looked over at her and let out a laugh, “A date?”
“You heard me.”
“No, it’s not a date,” he replied.
“I’m just saying, it feels like it should be one,” she explained.
He nodded, “It does. But it’s not a date.”
She shook her head, “Not a date. Cause you’re engaged and I’m happily involved.”
He nodded, “That’s right.”
“So! You’ve been here before, what’s good to see?” she asked, changing the subject.
“Lots of things, especially if you’re into smoking the ganja,” he said jokingly. She raised her eyebrows at him and he smirked, “What?”
“Do I look like I smoke?”
“Well, no,” he quickly said, worried that he may have offended her.
She grabbed his arm and squeezed, smiling, “Don’t take me so serious Bri. But I wouldn’t mind.”
“Mind what?” he asked.
“Oh don’t make me say it.”
He laughed, “Why not?”
“Oh, come on, so you’ve never done it before?”
He grinned and her mouthed dropped open, “Really? You? You?”
He nodded, still smiling. She continued, still shocked, “YOU? Sweet, innocent, Christian Brian Littrell? A pot smoker?”
He laughed, “I’ve done it a couple times. I’m not a pot head. And don’t look at me so shocked. I’ve been around AJ and Nick for a decade. What do you think would happen? Besides I see no harm in it when you’re around friends.”
She smiled, “I guess so.”
“So?” he pushed. She copied him, teasing him, “Sooo?”
“Oh come on, I just told you one of my secrets without even a second thought, and you’re not even going to tell me anything?”
“That was one of your secrets?” she asked.
He nodded, “Not many people know that, obviously. I mean look at how you reacted.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” she said a bit quietly.
He saw her demeanor change to a less happy nature and he furrowed his eyebrow, “What’s wrong?”
“Well, nothing. I just feel sort of bad.”
Brian laughed, “What, why?”
She shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“You’re upset cause I told you I smoked pot?”
She shook her head, “No. Well, yes. I don’t know! I feel bad that you trust me enough to have told me that.”
“Leslie, that’s ridiculous. I feel like I can tell you anything.”
She looked over at him, “But you barely even know me.”
He looked back at her, and said quietly, “I know. But I want to. The fact that I’m willing to tell you anything means something doesn’t it?”
She turned her head back to the people and buildings around her, “It does. And it must mean something that I feel like I can tell you anything too.”
“Even though you hardly know me?” he asked. She looked over at him once more, her eyes meeting his, “Yes, even though I hardly know you.”
They walked in silence for a few moments and Brian finally spoke, trying to lighten the mood back up, “So, have you ever?”
“Yup,” she said.
“That was hard to get out of you,” Brian joked.
She slapped him playfully, “I actually do it every day!”
He looked at her shocked, “Liar.”
She smiled at him, “I know. But I have done it. Just like you said, I don’t see anything wrong with it when you’re around friends you can trust.”
They walked in silence for a few more moments and Brian finally let out a laugh. She looked over at him, “What?”
“We just had a random conversation about marijuana.”
She smiled, “We did. Who would have thought I’d be walking down the street in Amsterdam with a Backstreet boy talking about our pot experiences?”
“Hey, life’s silly that way,” he said.
She nodded, “That it is.”
Brian noticed the buildings around him become more familiar when something clicked in his head.
“Do you like parks?” he asked suddenly.
“I love them.”
“There’s a really cool one a few blocks that way,” he said, pointing to the left.
“Well, lead the way,” she said. He smiled at her and turned. Leslie followed closely.
“Nick and I came here last time. It has a huge playground, basketball courts, fountains, the whole deal. Some pretty neat stores surround it all too.”
“Sounds nice,” she said. They finally came upon it and Leslie grinned, “It’s beautiful.”
He looked at how her face brightened and was pleased to have made her happy. She watched how a group of kids waded and splashed through the large fountain set before her. She turned to him then, looking at him slyly, “Want to go in?”
He was speechless for a moment, “In? As in the fountain? In the water?”
She smiled, nodding, taking his hand and beginning to drag him towards it. He laughed, resisting, “Don’t think so.”
“Oh come on! It’ll be fun,” she said, continuing to struggle to bring him towards the fountain.
“I don’t wanna,” he whined.
She rolled her eyes and finally gave up, stopping at the foot of the fountain and turning to him, pouting. He couldn’t help but smile at her cute face. He finally gave in, though against his better judgment, “Okay.”
A large smile spread across her face and she grabbed his hand again, stepping up on the edge. Brian stepped up as well, bending down to act like he was going to take off his shoes, but then suddenly pushed Leslie. She screamed and tumbled into the fountain, a huge splash of water exploding before him. Brian blocked his face from the water that showered him. He laughed as he saw Leslie sputter. She wiped the hair away from her face and glared up at Brian, “Jerk!”
Brian looked down at her and couldn’t contain himself. His stomach was beginning to ache from his laughter. She stood up and he couldn’t help but notice how her clothes clung to her curves. He slowly stopped laughing and licked his lips, trying not to make it noticeable that he was staring.
“Well, help me out at least,” she said, pushing through the water, holding out her hand. He reached his hand out to help her and she quickly grabbed it, yanking him forward. As he fell, he thought how stupid he was to not have seen this coming.
When he came up, spitting out water, Leslie’s laughter reached his ears.
“Karma baby, karma!” she teased.
He stood there in shock for a moment, just looking at her, ignoring the children splashing around them. He then grinned when Leslie wouldn’t stop laughing. He began to laugh as well, reaching down and splashing her. She screeched and tried splashing back, to no avail. She screamed trying to get away from his ruthless attack.
“Had enough?” Brian yelled.
“Yes!” Leslie screamed.
Brian stopped then and smiled, approaching Leslie through the water. She looked up at him as she moved her wet locks away from her face. They were both still laughing lightly but were slowly stopping as they looked at one another. Brian reached up and tucked some of her hair behind her ear. They stood there, not speaking, until finally Brian spoke softly, “You look gorgeous even when you’re all wet.”
She smiled, biting her lip, “So do you.”
He grinned, looking down at her lips. He wanted so much to touch them with his, to feel how soft they were.
She saw where this was going and cleared her throat when he began to lean down. He quickly stopped, turning away, “So, how about a little rest?”
Leslie quickly nodded, “Sounds good to me.”
Brian grabbed her hand and helped her walk through the water and then out of the fountain. Leslie began to ring out her hair as Brian took off his shoes, looking around at a good place to sit down. He spotted a nice patch of grass in the sun and began to walk towards it, Leslie soon following. They both sat down and avoided looking at one another, not saying anything at first.
Leslie let out a laugh finally, “We shouldn’t be here together like this.”
Brian replied, looking over at her, “No, but I like being here with you.”
She looked back at him, smiling lightly, “I like being here with you too.”
“I haven't done something like this in so long. It's nice. And it’s just like you said before. We barely know one another so this is a great opportunity to get to know each other.”
“What would you like to know?”
“Well, let’s start out with the basics.”
“Such as?” she pressed.
“What’s your favorite color?” he asked.
She smiled at him, not expecting to hear such a trivial question, but she humored him just the same, “Pink. You?”
“Blue. What’s your favorite movie?”
“The Fountain, and no pun intended,” she replied.
He raised his eyebrows, “Don’t think I’ve heard of that one.”
She gasped, “Really? It’s amazing. Hard to understand, but when you do get it, it’s incredible.”
“Ah, so a thinking movie then?”
“And it’s a chick flick,” she added.
“Don’t laugh but I enjoy chick flicks,” he said.
She laughed anyway, “Really?”
“Oh come on Leslie, I told you not to laugh.”
“I think it’s cute,” she replied.
“Oh, well if that’s the case,” he teased.
She continued, rolling her eyes, “So you’re the type of boyfriend that would go see a chick flick with your girlfriend even if you didn’t want to and not bitch about it?”
He nodded, “Of course. My job’s to keep the girl happy isn’t it?”
She looked at him smiling, not saying anything for a moment, “Not many guys are willing to do that.”
“You make it sound like it’s torture,” he joked.
“Well, it is, to a lot guys anyway. Maybe not for you since you enjoy them, but I’ve dated many guys and I have still yet to meet one that’s willing to see a chick flick and not complain about it.”
“Well here I am,” Brian replied, grinning.
She smiled lightly, saying quietly, “Here you are.”
He cleared his throat and averted his gaze once more, worried of getting lost in her eyes again, “What kind of music do you listen to?”
“Anything really. I’m not picky. I just love music,” she said.
Brian replied, “Me too.”
“But I have to admit, I love your music,” she said.
He scoffed, “You don’t need to butter me up or anything.”
“No, I’m serious. I’ve been a fan of you guys since you first came out.”
“Really?” he asked.
She nodded, “Really, I swear. I think you guys are extremely talented and your music is heart warming and fun. And you Brian, you have such a beautiful voice.”
He smiled at her, “Thank you.”
“I know you hear that a lot,” she said, embarrassed at what she had just said. She had been afraid of how teeny-bopperish it had sounded.
He quickly shook his head, “No, not at all. It’s nice coming from you.”
She looked at him, “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Hey, maybe I’ll even write you a song someday,” he winked.
She laughed, “No need for that. Not like any guy has ever even attempted to do something even remotely close to that for me.”
“Nick hasn’t?”
“Written me a song?”
“Well, that or anything romantic?”
“No, he has. Not the song part but he’s very romantic, more so than any guy I’ve ever dated before. He’s a good guy.”
Brian nodded, fully agreeing, “He is. I know I’ve said this before, but he really is lucky to have you.”
“But why?” she asked, her heart hurting because she knew she was deceiving him. He had given her everything he had emotionally but she had not. How could she when part of her heart was held by the man sitting beside her?
“Nick has never had a good run with women. He’s been hurt more times than I can count, but it’s obvious you truly care for him. To be honest, I’ve never seen him take to a girl as quickly as he has with you. He’s been happier and more energetic. He’s a better man when you’re around,” he stated.
She sighed, “Don’t say these things Brian.”
“Why not?” he asked, confused at her reaction.
“Because I don’t deserve to be that girl.”
“Of course you do Leslie! You deserve a man that will care for you and love you just as much as you do for him, and Nick does that for you. He’s good to you, so what’s so wrong about that?”
She looked at him sadly, seeing the sincerity in his eyes. She knew that he wanted to be with her just as much as she wanted to be with him, but under the circumstances, there was no way of that happening. So really, he was right. What was so wrong with having Nick love her the way he did? Why not embrace it?
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” she finally said.
He decided it was probably time to move on from the subject before he delved any deeper. He knew if he did so that he would be entering territory that he alone would be involved with, and he was in no position to start taking responsibility for what they have and what they have not done. The fact of the matter was that they were cheating. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Wanting to act out deep feelings is almost just the same as actually doing them. At least with this comes less guilt.
Brian cleared his throat, “So tell me about your family.”
“Well, there’s my mom and dad. Love them dearly. They’re very supportive, always have and always will be. And I have an older sister Amy. She’s my best friend,” she said.
Brian raised his eyebrows, “You never told me you had a sister.”
“You never asked,” she teased.
“You got me there,” he stated, smiling at her. “I’d like to meet your family Leslie.”
She was taken aback by his comment, “You do?”
He nodded, “Of course. If they mean so much to you, I’d love to meet them. They're a part of you aren't they?”
She became a little uncomfortable. Not because of what Brian said, but how he said it. He genuinely meant it, and the fact that Nick had never even mentioned meeting her family only unsettled her more. She said quietly, “Maybe in time then. They’ve never met anyone famous before.”
Brian laughed, “I’d hardly call me famous.”
“You’re famous to me Brian,” Leslie smiled, saying it in a teasing manner. Brian’s heart fluttered in his chest all the same. She continued, “What about your family?”
“Just like you, they’ve always been very supportive. I love my parents. They’re the ones that kept me going when I wanted to quit you know? I’ve been very blessed.”
“They must be good people because they raised a great son,” Leslie replied.
Just like Leslie, Brian’s emotions were going haywire within him because it wasn’t what she was saying, but how she was saying it. He couldn’t remember Leighanne ever being so sincere with him.
“What about siblings?” she asked.
“Older brother.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yep, Harold’s a good one too. Not so much when we were younger but now we click. He likes to pick on me sometimes but what sibling doesn’t?”
Leslie laughed lightly, “So true. Amy can drive me up the wall sometimes but we get along for the most part.”
“It seems different with girls though.”
“How so?”
“Well, for one, you guys can talk for hours about what color you want your bedspread to be. If I did that with my brother, he’d punch me.”
Leslie laughed, “We don’t talk for hours about what color our bedspread is going to be.”
He started to laugh as well when he saw Leslie wasn’t stopping. She wiped a few tears away from her eyes, “Brian, you’re funny.”
“I try I guess?” he said, laughing lightly still.
“It’s like me saying all you boys do is grunt when you guys walk by each other and somehow it equates to an entire conversation that only you can understand.”
Brian chuckled, “Actually, that sort of is how it works.”
“Well, that’s enlightening,” she giggled.
Brian grinned, “You know Leslie, you’re really easy to talk to.”
“So are you love,” she smiled. There it was again. God, he loved it when she said that.
“Where did you get that?”
“Get what?” she asked, pulling some grass out of the ground and fiddling with it in her fingers.
“Love,” he said.
“You mean when I call you that?”
He nodded.
“Oh, well, I guess my mom. She used to call Amy and I that sometimes and I guess it sort of just stuck. Well, maybe not because of that. She uses it with my dad the most. Kind of like a pet-name, but not. It’s hard to explain. I like it because it’s gentle and it gets to the point. You know, I don’t even realize I’m saying it,” she said.
Brian smiled at her, “I love it when you say it.”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t know why I just told you that, but I do. I first noticed it with Nick but you use it with me sometimes.”
“I probably use it with everyone,” she said, acting like it wasn’t a big deal.
“Maybe,” he humored her, though he knew she didn’t. He used it with Nick and himself, that’s it. But he didn’t want to tell her so because he knew she would become self conscious and he didn’t want it to stop. He coveted it, as stupid at that may be. It was his own little selfish pleasure. He wondered if Nick felt the same way. “There’s just so much sincerity and emotion in it and, like you said, it’s gentle. The way you say it...”
She smiled at him and his whole world seemed to brighten. He realized then that this little outing was probably not a good idea. He had bonded with her over trivial things, and had talked about nonsense, but he had grown closer to her just the same. To anyone else, they were clearly close friends. They laughed and talked together like they had known each other for years, and to them it had felt that way.
For the rest of the afternoon they talked about everything from movies to sports, from past loves to their current ones, about dancing, about singing, about everything they could touch their hands on. They greedily ate up everything the other one said and when the sun began to set, their hearts sank in their chests.
“Brian, we’ve been out here for hours,” Leslie stated. “My clothes aren’t even wet anymore.”
Brian laughed, “Time flies when you’re having fun.”
She smiled at him, saying softly, “That it does.”
“We should probably get back?” he suggested.
She nodded, getting up from the grass, “Nick’s probably wondering where the hell I went.”
“Leighanne probably is too,” Brian agreed, standing up as well, dusting grass from his jeans.
They began walking, and Leslie spoke up, “I didn’t even get to see Amsterdam.”
“I’m sorry,” Brian apologized, realizing this same fact and feeling horrible about it.
She smiled at him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it lightly before she let go again, “I liked this better.”
His heart melted once more, “I did too.”
And he did, so much so that he hated that it had finally ended. He would have gladly sat there with her forever. He couldn’t even recollect any moment in his and Leighanne’s relationship where they just sat and talked for hours. He had never done that with anybody before. He didn’t even think it was feasible, but with Leslie anything seemed possible. Anything.
His feelings of lust deepened, just as hers did, but now they were progressing forward. Harmless their day had been to the people around them, but scandalous it had been in their hearts because they cared for each other now. They cared for each other as friends of course, and they had definitely become closer friends because of this day, but they cared for each other in ways that only their significant others could boast about. These new feelings were frightening for the both of them because it only deepened their worries and made them feel even guiltier.
As they walked back, still small chatting and laughing with one another, they realized that they could eventually love one each other. Truly, deeply, love one another. And if they weren’t careful, that love was going to blossom out of their control.
