Chapter 12

Ali didn’t hear Nick come home that night. She was drifting in and out of sleep for hours, and every time she heard a sound she stirred, sitting up in bed and expecting to hear the front door open and shut again. It was almost three in the morning when she picked up her cell phone and dialled a familiar number. She let it ring until she heard her own voice on the other end of the line.

“Hey! You’ve reached Nick’s phone. He’s too busy watching porn too---“

“Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!” It was Nick’s voice interrupting her. There were a few seconds of giggling, and then Nick’s voice started talking. “I’m not watching porn… but I AM busy, so please leave a message.”

Ali sighed and started talking, hoping that Nick would get her message eventually.

“Hey… it’s me. Nick… I just… what happened? Where are you? I’m sitting here on my bed, it’s three in the morning, and I miss my best friend.” She struggled to keep her voice steady as she continued to speak. “Did I do something? Cause if I did, I’d like to apologize… I know that things are hard right now, but I need you so much… I can’t do this without you Nick. Just come home, ok?” As she was talking, a wave of nausea suddenly hit her, and she knew she was going to be sick again. “I gotta go… Love you. Bye.”

Tears were welling up in her eyes as she threw her cell phone down on the bed and rushed to the bathroom. She bent over the toilet just in time, as the remaining from the one slice of pizza she had eaten earlier came back up.

~*~

“…I gotta go… Love you. Bye.”

Nick felt terrible as he sat in his car listening to Ali’s voice message. He had been driving around for hours, not knowing what to do. He wanted so badly to drive back home, lie down next to Ali and promise her that everything would be ok. It was what he was good at, but the fact was, he couldn’t lie to her. He couldn’t promise her that everything would be ok when he didn’t even believe that himself. He knew very well that he was being a coward for leaving her by herself at a time when she needed him the most, but he didn’t know what to say to her.

“You don’t need to say anything… just be there…” --- Familiar words ran through his mind. He knew it was true, but not saying anything seemed to be the hardest thing to do at that moment. He listened to her voice message again. She sounded so desperate and sad, and his heart went out to her as he finally turned his car around to drive back home.

Quietly entering the house, he stopped in the hall, listening for any sounds coming from the first floor. It all seemed very quiet, as he kicked off his shoes and walked up the stairs to the second floor. There were still no sounds coming from anywhere around him. Walking past the door to Ali’s room, he expected her to be sound asleep in her bed.

The bed was empty.

Nick felt his heart skip a beat, as he walked into her room. Stopping in the middle of the floor, he looked around not knowing what to look for. Just as he was about to exit her room, he heard a weak sound coming from the bathroom across the hall.

“Ali?” He almost shouted as he quickly made his way into the bathroom.

There she was.

Sitting on the floor next to the toilet, her eyes closed and her head rested against the wall. She looked exhausted.

“God… Ali…” Nick sat down on his knees next to her. Feeling completely helpless, he put his arms around her, stroking her hair gently.

“Nick?” Ali whispered weakly, not even sure if any sound had escaped her lips at all.

“I’m right here sweetie… God… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry.” He started rocking her back and forth, and without being able to prevent it, tears started running down his cheek.

“You’re here.” Ali continued to whisper.

“Shhhhh….”

“I’m so tired…”

“I know, I know…”

Neither of them knew how long they had been sitting there, when Nick finally got up and carried Ali back to her bedroom. Gently lying her down on the bed, he positioned himself next to her, and put his arms protectively around her.

“You came back…” Ali whispered, closing her eyes.

“I should’ve never left in the first place.”

“I felt so alone…”

“I know honey… I know. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”

He tightened the grip around her waist to show her that he was serious. It felt so right lying next to her again, and even though he knew things would be really heard, he was determined to fight with her.

“I’m so scared Nick…”

“I know… I’m scared too… I’ve been so afraid of not doing or saying the right things, so I ran away from it. But someone made me realize that I don’t have to say anything, as long as I’m here. And I’m here now, and I’m so sorry for letting you down.”

“It does help just having you here.”

“You know when we had that small fight in the hospital the first time? And you told me walk with you on the same side of the street?”

“Yea…”

“I wrote a song about it…”

“You wrote a song?

“Kinda, yea… I mean, it’s not done yet, but yea, I guess I wrote a song.”

“Can I hear it?”

Nick hesitated. He was supposed to save it for later, when she really needed it. But then again, now was a time when she really did need it. Shifting, to lie on his back, he cleared his voice and started singing softly.

I can see that you are tired

But I cannot walk all the steps for you

You have to walk yourself

But I’ll walk with you

I’ll walk with you.

I can see that you’re in pain

But I cannot cry all the tears for you

You have to shed them yourself

But I’ll cry with you

I’ll cry with you

Pausing for a few seconds, Nick took a deep breath. He knew that the next part would be hard to sing, because he knew it would make the truth a little more real.

I can see that you are scared

But I cannot face death for you

You have to face it yourself

But I’ll make death worth living

I’ll make death worth living….

He let his voice trail off, waiting for Ali to say something.

Seconds passed, and not a sound escaped her lips. He started getting a little worried, but just as he was about to speak, she shifted next to him and turned around. Resting her head against his chest, she closed her eyes.

“Thank you…”

And within seconds, she was fast asleep.