Chapter 3

I feel like part of me is missing, and what is missing within me I can't seem to find. I just sat there staring out of the window, watching the life outside of the prism glass pass me by. The sedatives the doctor kept giving me prevented me from moving around, so I’m forced to look like a crippled idiot. When did my life go to such shambles? I'm not crazy, I know I'm not...I know what I saw and heard...but why can't they hear it too?

They don't want to hear it...

"Hello?"

Give up and join us
save us...

"No! I don't know who you are or what you want but I am not giving in!" I screamed

So much frustration going on inside of me! I found a vase of flowers that Howie had left. Out of anger I picked it up and tossed it at the wall, watching it shatter and water spill to the floor. Apparently such noise causes scares in this place, because the next thing I knew nurses and orderlies were rushing in. I refused to look in their direction bringing my attention back to the window.

"Mr. Littrell are you alright?" a nurse asked
"Fine...just fine"

Apparently my words did not back up my actions as they searched me with their keen eyes for an explanation. My whole world seemed to be lost as I continued to ignore their questions, ‘Why can’t they just leave? I’ve said enough…my words aren’t good enough?’ I thought to myself. The clouds started to form dark holes in the sky; rain. Just to add to my perfect day, rain, at least the world is being rushed over and washed away of their pain. My pain was a constant reminder, a reminder of the fact that three years of my life have passed by and I have no clue what went on. Did Baylee miss me? Had Leighanne found someone to ease her pain? Does Kevin have any kids? Is Nick finally mature? What about my mother or my father? Harold has kids too? Did AJ finally quit? So many questions with such empty answers and yet if I were to receive the answers it still wouldn’t be good enough for me. I wasn’t there, I couldn’t foresee or witness any of this Instead I would be told as if it were a fantasy or something out of a book being read to me.

“Thought you might like something to read,” a deep voice sad behind me
I didn’t bother to turn around, “Thanks Kev,” Brian said as he placed the book in front of me, “So…how’s your family?”
Kevin pulled up a chair next to the window, “Great…um…Kris…she’s pregnant now, finally we’re getting one of our own” he announced
He cracked a smile, “That’s wonderful man, I know how much you wanted this”
“Yeah…I’m really happy about it”
“You know what it is yet?”
“Nope, we don’t want to know, we just wanna be surprised”
“That’s cool…so um, what have the guys been up too?”
“Well,” he stared clearing his throat, “We did some shows after you went into the hospital, but then it just wasn’t the same so we went on hiatus. We spent all of our time here, hoping you would wake up, when a year went by we just…started to try and move on with our lives. The doctors told us that there was little chance and that you could remain in a coma for a long time…” he paused
Brian’s eyes shifted to his gaze, “Then what?”
Tears started to well in Kevin’s eyes, “They had suggested we pull the plug on you…but we fought! I didn’t care if your chances were slim to none; there was still that small chance. Leighanne said I was being selfish for torturing myself, her and our families by trying to fix a lost cause,”

‘I was a lost cause?’ he thought

See Brian she was willing to give up on you…I told you, you have no place being here

“That’s not true!” Brian shouted standing up
“What’s not true?” Kevin asked startled
“Leighanne would never give up on me, she loves me too much!”
Kevin sighed, “She wasn’t given up on you. She just wanted to set you free so you wouldn’t be in pain anymore”
“Oh and I’m not in pain now?”
“It’s just emotional it will pass, I couldn’t let them do it Bri! You’re my cousin, hell my little brother. I couldn’t just let her. Excuse me if I’m crossing the line but she married into this family. I was born into it so I have a little more say as to what the fuck happens to you, whether it is a good or poor choice!”
Brian turned his back to him, “I can’t believe this…I can’t believe she’d turn her back on me…”
“Nick is also sick…”
Brian’s head whipped around, “He’s sick? How?”
“He fell into a depression after your accident; blaming himself…we had to admit him to a hospital…”
“Why?”
“He tried to kill himself last year; he just got so bad Cous. There was nothing we could do with him, but hand him over to a medical staff”
Brian sunk down in his seat, “So…where’s Nicky now?”
“He’s in this hospital…he’s been living here for about a year now. You would have never known, but he is in here very often, normally when you’re sleeping. He thinks you hate him,”
“I do not hate him!” Brian gasped, “I could never hate him!”
“Try telling him that, he comes home on the holidays and we take him out often to get air and to just be normal. Instead of being cramped in his room and being shoved a million pills everyday”
“Now I blame myself”
“Don’t”
“But if I didn’t get into the accident, Nick wouldn’t have gone crazy with guilt” he said massaging his temple, “What about the others?”
“They’ve been good, we’ve really missed you Bri…”

You would think I would be happy to know I was missed…but no. I can’t believe my own wife wanted to give up on me and let me die! Then about Nick…wow…I would have never thought you know. Nicky being so much full of life, I would have never thought that he would do any of this. ‘Oh god, my head!’ I thought to myself, grabbing my head in pain. Kevin stood up as soon as I fell out of the chair. Everything around me started to go black and fade, Kevin’s words becoming a silent film.

“Where the hell am I?”

I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…

“Is someone crying?”

God I can’t do this…it’s all my fault he’s like this…

You can’t save him Brian…

“Who?”

I turned around, nearly spinning trying to find the source of the voices in this black hole I am standing in. No luck, I just continued to hear the crying… someone’s praying…but who?

As my savor and father…please don’t deny me entrance to heaven…

“Nick?”

Fuck! There’s no one here but me, what the hell is going on? Nick it’ll be ok buddy!

“Why can’t anyone hear me?”

I can…

“Who are you?”

I’m what you don’t want to see…

“What’s that?”

Death…

Brian shot straight up in bed gasping for air as the beads of sweat poured down his face. His eyes focused on the corner of the room, someone was there. Their back had been turned but they appeared to be sobbing. The figure in the corner was slowly turning around as Brian’s room door opened. The figure was gone and now a very upset Kevin stood before him. He could sense something was greatly wrong, but had trouble reading the seriousness of his cousin’s expressions.

“Kev what’s wrong?”

Before Kevin could utter a word, his voice became choked as the tears streamed down his face. He sunk into a chair next to Brian’s bed, holding his head in his hands. Brian extended his hand to stroke Kevin’s back.

“Is it Kristin?” Kevin shook his head, “Is it the baby?” he shook his head again, “Oh god nothing’s wrong with you is it?”
“It’s Nick” he gasped quickly
“What’s wrong with Nick?” a sound of panic now entering his voice
“He…oh god Brian…he hung himself in his room…”
“WHAT!” Brian shouted, shock setting in
“He hung himself, he must have been in there for a good hour or two, no one had checked up on him…” Kevin said sobbing

You can still save us…

How can I start to cry without realizing it? What was odder was that I’m watching myself cry. The tears had started to rush down my face but I didn’t feel any. My best friend’s dead…because of me.

It’s not your fault

My eyes jolted left and right scanning the room, ‘Nick?’ I thought to myself

I didn’t mean too… it wasn’t my fault…

Lies!

There shall be silence and you shall walk alone

Don’t listen to them Brian!

Help us!

You can’t save them

Brian! Save yourself