I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I stared up at the ashy black sky, wondering how all this could happen. I always saw myself, hopefully, dying an old man, not a twenty year old young adult on a plane. This is not the way I pictured it. Everybody says that God has a plan for everyone. I believe that. But I didn’t understand his plan for me now. Why did I have to die like this? What did I ever do wrong? I had just let Christy slip out of my hands and she was gone. How could I do that? I promised I wouldn’t let her go! I prayed and prayed that this would end. That this crash would kill me. If I survived this, I would never forgive myself for what I just did.

Suddenly a cold clammy hand grabbed my arm. I gasped loudly, but the suddenly movement made me cry out in pain. I closed my tightly and gritted my teeth together, trying to block the pain away and so I couldn’t look at who grabbed me. I slowly opened my eyes and forced myself to look at the person who had a death grip on me. It was a boy about my age, maybe a little younger. His face was pure white, probably the same color mine was at the moment. His eyes screamed ‘help me’. I just stared at him with wide eyes. If I couldn’t save Christy, how could I save him? I couldn’t. The most hardest decision I could make was to close my eyes and look away….…..And I did.

Jerking awake, I shot up in bed struggling to catch my breath. My breathing started to cease when I realized it was only another dream. The dream that wouldn’t go away. The dream that was haunting me and probably would for the rest of my life. The dream that won’t stop making me so damn guilty. Looking over at the clock I noticed it was six thirty in the morning. It was around the time Marissa usually got up to go to the hospital. But then I remembered that she wasn’t going back to the hospital, because she is looking after me. Which is confusing me, because I don’t need to be looked after. I need to get out. Pulling back the covers, I slid my legs out of bed and stood up. My legs felt rubbery with each step I took toward the bathroom. Finally I reached the door and slowly pushed it open. I collapsed on the side of the tub, letting my face fall into my hands. I felt so light, yet I felt so heavy at the same time. Turning around slowly I turned on the shower. I slid my shirt and my boxers off and slid in. Once the water hit my body I lost it. My tears came hard and fast. I slipped down the side of the shower pulling my legs in tight, making myself as small as possible.