Chapter Seven: I Can’t Do This Anymore
Later on that day after breakfast and after showering, getting dressed into one of AJ’s pullover hoodies and some of her own comfortable jeans and doing absolutely nothing with her wet hair except brushing it, Ava went on downstairs. Once down there she discovered Nick was lying on the floor playing with Jade after having disappeared with her right after breakfast without so much as telling anyone where they were going or when they would be back. Just that it was some secret mission and Jade was really excited about it. While the two of them were playing, the others were all doing their own thing.
“Hey sweetie,” AJ greeted when he saw her and then paused when he got a good look at her. “Going through my clothes again?”
“I like wearing your hoodies, they’re comfy and make me feel safe” Ava insisted. He stood there quietly surveying his little sister for a moment and saw the vulnerable look in her eyes and he sighed. He regrets what he is going to say to her next but he has to, as it’s very important.
“Jade’s doctor called,” he announced in an undertone so the nearby four-year-old wouldn’t pick up on his words.
“What did he say?” Ava asked softly while crossing her arms over her stomach and glancing over at her daughter with frightened eyes.
“I don’t know he called your phone and left a message. I just saw that it was his number and didn’t answer it because it’s your phone.” Ava turned and headed toward the kitchen where she left her phone to charge only to have her brother gently grab her hand. She looked at him curiously and he handed it to her. She took it from him, unlocked it, and pressed one so she could listen to her voicemail before going toward the back door and disappearing outside. As soon as the door shut behind her, Nick looked around as if not feeling her presence anymore and he looked at AJ.
“Where did Ava go?”
“Out back to listen to her voicemail,” AJ answered while giving Nick a look like he isn’t exactly his favorite person in the world right now.
“Why? Who called?” Nick asked protectively. AJ gave a pointed look toward Jade and then held Nick’s eyes seriously knowing he would catch on. Judging by the worried look upon his face AJ can see that he had.
“Why don’t you go out there and be with her? She would really appreciate your company while she talks to him.” With that suggestion being made, Nick looked back down at the coloring book he was currently coloring in and continued to do so. AJ sighed heavily, shook his head, and he reached over and grabbed up a couch pillow before throwing it as hard as he could aiming for the younger man’s head. It bounced off of it and landed next to him causing Nick to mess up and color a big red line across his picture. He turned and narrowed his eyes at his band mate and AJ gave him a dark look.
“Now Nick. I’m not asking you anymore.”
“I am playing with Jade right now,” Nick insisted stubbornly and then turned his attention back to his now messed up picture. AJ continued to stare at the back of his head, looking as though he might burn a hole right into it. The rest of their band mates have stopped what they are doing and were now watching the scene before them, ready to intervene if they must.
“Hey Little Jay?” he spoke up after a long moment, using his special nickname for her.
“Yes Big Jay?” Jade asked curiously, and she turned and looked at her favorite uncle curiously.
“Your mommy is outside with a tummy ache right now…and she is really sad. Don’t you think it would be nice if Nicky went out there to be with her?” Jade looked up at Nick then who was now looking down at her warily and she nodded in response to AJ’s question.
“Yes I do. Mommy likes it when Nicky gives her hugs and tells her that everything will be okay. Nicky goes - now!”
“But Baby J—“
“- Now Nicky. You goes be with my mommy or I will not be very happy with you.” Nick sighed heavily at her words and he set his crayon down before obeying her command and getting to his feet. He does not want her to be unhappy with him because she is the only one besides Brian who is being nice to him. He turned and headed for the backyard, passing AJ by as he did.
“You are shameless,” he informed and then went outside shutting the door behind him. AJ only shook his head and he went over and gathered Jade into his arms so he is cradling her and he planted a kiss on her forehead as she slid her arms around him and cuddled with him.
“Good job little jay,” he praised while carrying her over to the couch and sitting down with her.
~*~*~*~*~
Meanwhile outside, When Nick stepped out into the backyard he discovered that Ava was sitting out on the beach in their favorite spot – naturally. Nick sighed softly and then for the sake of finding out if his baby Jay will be okay he made his way out there. By the time he reached her he saw that she had just finished up on dialing and had put the phone to her ear. She looked up at him upon seeing his shadow and he saw surprise adorned on her beautiful features. He remained standing keeping a slight distance from her and he stuck his hands in his pockets as he gazed out at the ocean.
“Doctor Smith? Hi…it’s Ava McLean and I just got your message.” She paused a moment then and Nick risked a glance at her but instantly regretted it as soon as he did. God she is so beautiful…he thought inwardly to himself. Why does someone so off limits have to be so beautiful? It’s not fair. He wants nothing more than to sit next to her and hold her. To rock her in his arms and make this fragile state that she is in disappear. But she is not his to hold and being near her makes things all the more complicated. He misses her so much though…he yearns for his best friend. Her scent, the smooth touch of her skin, her soft silky hair, and the way she fits so perfectly in his arms. He is beginning to wonder if she was put into his life to be his own personal hell. He doesn’t know, but he knows one thing for sure. He can’t go on being just her friend anymore – it hurts too much. His heart is always going to ache for more…pretending just isn’t going to cut it anymore.
“Is she okay?” he heard her ask, throwing him abruptly from his thoughts and he continued to concentrate on the current issue at hand – Jade. He moved a little closer to her – but not too close and he sat down in the sand next to her.
“That’s great…thank-you Doctor Smith,” she spoke into the phone again after a long while and then she hung up. She put her phone down and the two best friends sat there in a long silence as they both stare out at the water, purposely avoiding eye contact with one another.
“Jade is fine,” She announced after a long while knowing that must be the only reason he is out there with her. She might as well tell him so he can run off and continue to pretend that she doesn’t even exist. “No diseases or anything else horrible like that…the doctor says there wasn’t even any penetration to begin with, he just molested her.” She added as her eyes watered up. Nick didn’t respond he only sat there in silence continuing to not look at her. But much to her surprise, he reached out and laid his hand in the sand between them so that their fingers were touching and he kept up his silence. The silence however, after a while was beginning to be too much for her to bear. She really misses and craves the sound of his voice.
“Nicky talk to me…please,” She pleaded tearfully and Nick with his eyes still on the ocean shook his head and stood up.
“I can’t do this anymore Ava,” he whispered, and then turned and walked back toward the house. Ava drew her legs to her chest and remained where she’s at as she carelessly let the tears that were clouding her eyes spill out over her cheeks. When Nick went inside he discovered that Tierja was there sitting on the couch beside AJ. He walked into the living room, right up to AJ, and he gently took Jade from him before turning with her and going upstairs without so much as a word to anyone. Everyone exchanged looks between one another, and then Tierja got up and went outside to be with Ava.
~*~*~*~*~
Later on that day the boys had last minute promoting to do before they go on their upcoming tour in a week. They have an interview with Ellen and they were meeting Kathryn, Raven, and Zara there. When they arrived where the interview was taking place they went in through the back way only to be greeted by a crowd of over-joyed fans. Once security cleared a path for their vehicle they pulled in and a gate was closed off behind them blocking the eager fans. They all got out of the car and were greeted and ushered in by their very own security, though the boys were sure to wave to the fans as they went in. AJ kept hold of Ava’s hand, as she was like usual during these types of events, glued to his side. Once they were inside the building AJ, Brian, Nick, Howie, Kevin, Ava, and Tierja all turned their attention on Raven, Kathryn, and Zara as they had followed them in. Jade squealed excitedly upon recognizing her best friend and Zara squealed too and before Nick and Raven knew it, both girls were out of their arms and running to each other.
“ZARA!”
“JADE!” they met each other half way and fell into each other’s arms for a hug. The adults watched them in amusement for a second, and then turned their attention on each other. Ava flung her arms around the closest friend to her, which happened to be Kathryn, who returned her hug carefully.
“Hi sweetie, I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too,” Ava replied as tears clouded her eyes and she sniffled some. It really has been so long since she’s seen her best friends. Raven walked up behind her and hugged her too, creating an Ava Sandwich.
“Ray says you’ve left David for good is that true?”
“Yes it’s very true. I’m living with Alex again.”
“That’s great, I’m proud of you” Kathryn insisted sincerely.
“Me too,” Raven added softly in her ear and Ava snuggled into her friends soaking up their hugs for all it’s worth. After a long moment she finally released them and the boys got their turn.
“Hey Ray, how are you and Zara?” Brian asked curiously as he got his chance to hug her.
“Good, but we’ve missed you so much Brian. Zara has talked about wanting to see you non-stop.” Brian smiled at the little girl who was busy catching up with her best friend at the moment and he made a mental note to pay special attention to her right after the show. By the time their little reunion came to an end Ellen was backstage discussing how the show would go and then she went out there and started it and soon enough the boys were out there doing their interview leaving the girls backstage. Raven glanced at her daughter to see her and Jade already engrossed in the bucket of toys Ava allowed Jade to bring, so she swung her arm around Ava and steered her toward the couch.
“Talk to me honey…what did you not want to tell me over the phone earlier?” She asked and before Ava knew it she was on the couch surrounded by the girls who she loves and a huge feeling of warmth rushed through her for the first time since the night before. Her girls, her family, the ones who know just how to make everything okay even if for just a little while…
“Nicky is giving me the silent treatment,” she answered tearfully and then began to tell them all about it and they listened to her without interruption.
“I understand where you are coming from honey…but would it really be so bad if you gave Nick a chance?” Raven asked when Ava had finished her story. “I mean it’s Nick, Ava…you know he loves you he always has…the last thing he’d ever do is hurt you.”
“Oh yeah? What do you call the silent treatment that he is giving me?” Ava asked softly and she idly sorted the M&Ms that she bought for herself into different colors.
“I’m not taking sides here, so please don’t misunderstand me. It’s wrong for him to pressure you but can you really blame him for being upset?” Kathryn asked. “Think about how long he’s waited for you…I would be hurt and frustrated too.”
“No, I can’t blame him…I’ve hurt him in so many ways I can hardly live with myself,” Ava admitted softly and she glanced at Jade, watching her play. “Believe me I feel like a complete bitch and haven’t stopped beating myself up. Sure Nicky would probably make an amazing boyfriend…the best, but I just don’t know if I’m ready to give my heart out again after just moving on from David…I’m hurting, I’m depressed, and I just really need my best friend. I just need time…this now or never stuff is not fair…it’s not.” Kathryn scooted closer to Ava then and enveloped her in her arms for a hug and Ava returned it.
“We love you Ava…just know that okay? You’ll figure it out soon enough…you’ll see.”
“I hope so,” Ava murmured into Kathryn’s shoulder. After a long moment, she grabbed up one of her M&Ms and chucked it at Tierja hitting her right in the head and Tierja gaped at her in mock surprise while the other two laughed. “Enough about me and my dysfunctional love life…let’s talk about the major flirting going on between you and my brother.” Tierja rolled her eyes playfully and threw a skittle at her right back only to have the younger woman duck.
“Let’s not and say we did.”
“Aw, come on Tier you know you want to.” Tierja stuck her tongue out at her playfully and an amused Raven spoke up.
“You know Tier, I think it’s going to have to be you who makes the first move because AJ is just too chicken,” she pointed out, helping Ava steer the conversation far away from her. She knows this is what she really needs right now, a distraction. The girls sat backstage and spent the entire time catching up and by the time the boys came backstage it was like there was never a big separation between them. On their way out they signed autographs to lingering fans, took pictures with them, and chatted for a bit before all piling back into the two cars and heading back to the Backstreet House.
“Jade,” Ava spoke up when they walked into the house.
“Yes mommy?”
“Why don’t you and Zara take your toys up to our room? They don’t need to be on the living room floor all the time; they’re in people’s way.”
“Okay.” Jade and Zara went and picked up Jade’s toys and took them all up the stairs using their shirts to carry them all so none would drop on the floor or get left behind.
“Hey Ray,” Brian spoke up suddenly, speaking to her for the first time since the beginning of the interview. He had been pretty distant with her afterwards due to being incredibly shy.
“Yeah…?” She asked while looking up from her notebook that she was writing in simply just to keep herself busy.
“Do you want some Pepsi?”
“Yes please.” Brian went into the kitchen and returned a couple of moments later with a Pepsi and a mountain dew. He handed her the Pepsi and was about to walk away but Raven was quick to grab his hand. Brian looked at her curiously.
“Are you mad at me?”
“No of course not, why would I be mad at you?” he asked the concern evident on his face and he turned and sat beside her on the couch.
“I don’t know…you’ve just been acting very distant with me since you came backstage from your interview. I didn’t do anything wrong did I?”
“No of course you didn’t…you didn’t do anything wrong at all,” he told her sincerely and he pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry I gave you that impression, I didn’t mean to…” he apologized and she returned his hug while resting her head against his shoulder comfortably.
“How have you and Zara been?” he asked gently and he rubbed his hand over her back smoothly as she looked up at him.
“We’ve been fine.”
“That’s good to hear.” The two of them were silent for a couple of moments and Raven sat there in silence just thinking about things.
“I was thinking about starting to date again…” Brian suddenly pulled away from her and looked at her in surprise.
“Seriously?” Raven nodded and everyone was now secretly listening.
“Have you seen any guy in particular that gave you this idea?”
“I haven’t met anyone yet but I want to start looking because I’m tired of being alone and Zara really needs a father. She’s already asking me questions like why she doesn’t have a daddy and where is he and things like that. I told her the truth…she wants a daddy and I want a boyfriend…” Brian looked at her for a couple of moments.
“Well I’m sure you’ll find someone worth being with who will love you and Zara both very much one of these days because you’re a very beautiful woman and Zara is so precious. Anyone who doesn’t agree has serious problems.” Raven smiled a little bit and Brian kissed her cheek.
“Brian,” Kevin suddenly spoke up.
“Yes?”
“I want to have a word with you.” Brian looked at his cousin just as he had gone toward the back door and disappeared outside. Brian got up and followed him and he shut the door behind him.
“Tell her how you feel – now.”
“What? No way!”
“Yes way! Brian are you blind? She loves you too and that’s why she told you she’s thinking about dating again! It was a hint. She wants you to make your move, she wants you to be her boyfriend and she wants Zara’s future daddy to be you! How could you not understand that? Everyone else did!” Brian shook his head.
“I can’t…I’m scared. She’ll turn me down.”
“So you’re just going to make the same mistake that Nick had? Wait until she’s hurt and has given up on love until you tell her? Brian you are a lonely 27-year-old man, don’t you think it’s about time you start dating again? It’s been 7 years since Emily’s death; don’t you think it’s about time you move on? I know it still pains you that your fiancée is gone – it upsets me too because she was a wonderful woman and we all loved her. But Raven is wonderful too, we all love her just as much and she deserves a chance. She deserves someone who will love her the right way and take care of her the right way and will love and take care of Zara the right way too but she can only find that in you! You are the only one who can be that for her, who loves her that much. Think about it Bri…think about what I am telling you,” Kevin lectured and then he went back inside. Brian stood here for a long moment just thinking about it, and then he followed. He looked over at Raven then.
“Hey Ray?”
“Yeah Bri?”
“Do you want to go for a walk with me?”
“I don’t know Brian…what about Zara?”
“She’ll be fine…she’s playing with Jade and everyone here will be watching her.” Raven looked at him with an unsure look in her eyes and he went over to her and offered her his hand.
“Please? I promise you that she will be fine.” She looked into his eyes for a couple of moments and then took his hand and allowed him to help her up from the couch and lead her out the door.
“What did you tell him?” Ava asked Kevin while looking over at him and being highly impressed.
“That he needs to get over Emily and ask Raven out because she is hinting it to him and a bunch of other stuff.” Kevin answered with a small grin and Ava smiled excitedly.
“YAY! Go Brian!” She cheered happily. “Guess what Kat!” She added a second later.
“What?” Kathryn asked curiously, and Ava got up from her seat on the couch and went on over to the other one that her best friend was sitting on and she jumped onto it beside her and wrapped her arms around her neck. She rested her head against her shoulder and hugged her tight as if she’s a little kid.
“I love you, that’s what!”
“Ugh…Ava, off! You are squashing me woman!” she complained, though she wore a playful look upon her face.
“Hehe,” Ava giggled and AJ chuckled.
“What’d you three do to her while you were backstage? Spike her Dr. Pepper? She’s been crazy ever since!”
“No one did anything to her, she is just suddenly like this” Tierja answered and she was just as surprised, as Ava had gone from very depressed to extremely hyper in a matter of minutes. Kathryn felt Ava’s grip on her tighten and rolled her eyes playfully.
“Okay you know what you? OFF! Before you strangle me to death,” She insisted and then attempted to shove her off only to have Ava cling even tighter.
“But I love you Kat don’t you love me too?”
“Yes – very much – but I would love you a lot more if you were sitting over there” Kathryn insisted, and then successfully shoved her to the other side of the couch. Ava smirked and sat there watching everybody sit around and just chill for a few moments, and then got up.
“I’ll be back I’m going to check on the kids they’ve been quiet,” She announced and then she went upstairs and into her room only to find it empty. She turned around and went down the hall to Nick’s instead and just as she expected she found him with both children and the three of them are putting an 800 piece puzzle together. Grinning slightly at the reassurance that they’re both okay she turned and went downstairs again.
“Nick is up there helping them put an 800 piece puzzle together.”
“Wow that’s a complicated puzzle for a four year old,” Kevin replied. Ava went back over to Kathryn then and she sat beside her but didn’t wrap her arms around her the second time.
~*~*~*~*~
“Brian,” Raven said, breaking the silence between the two of them as they walk hand in hand through the park.
“Hmm?”
“How come you wanted to go for a walk with me?”
“So we can be alone.” Raven looked at him curiously for a couple of moments. She knows that he is up to something. They walked for a few minutes more and then Brian brought her to the Ramada. She sat down at the picnic table with one leg on either side of the bench and he sat the same way, sitting sideways so that he could face her. Taking her hands into his he looked into her eyes contemplatively.
“Brian I know there’s something on your mind. If you want to tell me than just do it…you know you can” She said, interrupting his thoughts as she was becoming slightly impatient. He gently smoothed his fingers through her dark black hair as he looked into her dark brown eyes and after a few seconds he spoke up.
“Ray we’ve been friends for the longest time…I’ve been here for you through everything. For you and Zara both and I would never hurt you or her, nor would I ever leave you either.”
“I know this Bri…”
“Well during the years that we’ve known each other, aside from Nick you’re considered my best friend. I love you and I love Zara very much but during the years I’ve had some feelings that you don’t know about…I don’t want to ruin our friendship by saying this but I can’t hold it in any longer. I can’t keep these feelings bottled up inside me any longer. My grief over losing Emily has been keeping me from telling you this because I still loved her and it took me a long time to get over the loss. I still love her now and that will never change...but I need to move on and I need to start seeing other people and I know Em would’ve wanted me to.” Tears flooded Raven’s eyes upon hearing this speech as she knows what’s coming next. She knows what he’s going to tell her. She’s wanted him to for so long.
“For years I’ve had this really huge crush on you…ever since Ava introduced me to you six years ago. And somewhere along the way…it’s turned into love. I’ve been afraid to tell you though because I was afraid you’d turn me down and I was afraid of letting go of Emily. But I know now that I’ve got to move on…I want to be your boyfriend and I want to be Zara’s daddy someday. I may not be the one who helped bring her into this world but I’d love her as if I did. Please give me a chance Raven…I can prove that I can be so much better than Zachary ever was.” She looked at him for a couple of moments, tears rolling down her cheeks and then she scooted closer to him.
“I’ve been waiting for you to say this for a long time Brian…earlier when I told you that I wanted to start dating again I hoped it would hint to you that I want you. There isn’t any other man that I could love as much as I love you. You’ve been here for me when I needed you most. I want you to continue being here for me forever…and for Zara too. You are the only father figure that she’s ever really had…has ever known. Promise me you will always be here for us.” Sliding his arms around her waist he pulled her closer to him then and rested his forehead against hers.
“I promise that you will never be able to get rid of me.” He gently dried her tears with his finger before cupping her chin in his hand and leaning forward, lightly grazing his lips over hers in a delicate kiss causing her to drape her arms over his shoulders and kiss him back making it much more intense. When they pulled apart she rested her head against his chest comfortably and hugged him tight. “Come on…we better head back. It’s getting very windy out and it smells like rain.” He got up from the bench then and offered her his hand. She took it and allowed him to help her up and take her back to the house. When they got there, they went inside and everyone looked at them. Jade and Zara are downstairs and when Zara caught sight of them walking in she smiled happily.
“MOMMY! BRIAN!” she exclaimed, and then ran toward them. Both of them got down to her level and she flew into both of their arms at the same time.
“Hey baby!” Raven replied and kissed her cheek just as Brian had kissed her other one causing Zara to giggle and Raven pulled away. Brian gathered her up as he stood and held her up in the air before blowing raspberries on her tummy as he carried her into the kitchen and she shrieked and giggled as he did. Just by the happy looks on Brian and Raven’s face as they walked in everyone can tell that they’re dating now and didn’t even bother to ask.
~*~*~*~*~
Later on that evening after the children were put in bed, Brian wandered down to the basement where he was told that his distant best friend could be found. He knew if he is down in the basement he is either in their recording studio working away on some solo project, or in their workout room working out his frustrations. When he got down there, he discovered that sure enough, the workout room door was open. Brian shook his head and crossed the basement to get to it and when he was standing in the door way, he found the younger man beating furiously on a punching bag. He is all sweaty and gross, so Brian knows he’s been at it for hours. He stood there quietly watching him until Nick finally felt his presence and turned his head to look at him.
“Hey” Brian greeted softly.
“Hey,” Nick responded while stopping what he is doing and going over and grabbing his water bottle. “I heard the good news about you and Raven; congratulations...I’m happy for you,” He added sincerely, though Brian could see the pain behind his eyes even though he worked real hard to hide it. He can’t hide things from Brian, it’s impossible. Brian gave him a small smile.
“Well, thanks, but I’m not down here to talk about me and Raven buddy.”
“I’m not in the mood to discuss my dysfunctional relationship with Ava right now, Bri, so we might as well talk about you and your happiness.”
“And what about you and your happiness?” Brian asked and Nick shrugged. “No matter how hard you try, you aren’t going to be able to just work your frustrations out of you in a Gym like this, Nick. You need to confront them otherwise they’re just going to be suppressed until you finally do.”
“I tried Bri…and she turned me down. What more can I do other than try really hard to get over her and move on with my life?”
“Is that what you really want? To just give up and move on with your life?” Brian asked, disbelief dripping off the edge of his voice. “I know you haven’t completely given up on her, you’re still working on that surprise for her that you’ve been putting together months before she even came back, I know that’s where you took Jade earlier this morning.”
“You know I don’t Bri, I love her. I love her so much that it hurts, but what else can I do?” Nick asked and he turned his back on him and downed some water in order to hide the sudden tears that came to his eyes. Brian moved closer and gently grabbed Nick by the arm, turned him around, and looked into his eyes seriously.
“Okay, so she turned you down, so what? Change tactics on her then. If she’s scared to be in another relationship right now, work with her until she’s not anymore. Love her, no matter what she says but don’t sit here and ignore her and make her feel like shit for being scared when she can’t really help it. You’re being just as bad as David by doing that. You may not be beating her like he did, and I know you never would but you are ignoring her and it hurts her just as bad Nick because it’s coming from you, the one person who is supposed to be her best friend and always be here for her, no matter what. Is that what you want, to hurt her?”
“You know I don’t, Bri…” Nick replied softly, not even trying to hide the pain and tears this time.
“Then man up Nick. If you love Ava as much as you say that you do, man up and fight for her, because my best friend isn’t a quitter – he never has been and I’m not about to let him be one now. She’s scared of you now, but it doesn’t have to be that way forever, you just have to be smooth about it and prove to her that you’re the right choice. Show her what real love is...don’t take no for an answer.” Brian waited and when Nick didn’t respond, he spoke up again. “Just think about it but I really believe that if you take my advice you will finally be happy. Meanwhile, Raven is waiting for me, so I’m going to bed. Get in the shower Nick, you smell” He insisted before turning around and leaving the room.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Chapter Edited: 11/23/2012
Here's the next chapter. Enjoy :-)
Here's the next chapter. Enjoy :-)
Chapter End Notes:
Twitter: @UrsTrulyAshee
