Have you ever felt like the life you were living couldn't possibly be yours?  Like that person couldn't possibly be you, because you're not that much of a dumbass?  Welcome to the club.  It turns out that I am that much of a dumbass.  Or at least I was.  I'm working on changing that now.

The first step to getting my life back on track?  Kicking Audrey out of it.  If only I could.  I'm stuck with that witch of a woman until the day I die.  We are forever attached.  That attachment is the one good thing I got from her.  I'm getting a little ahead of myself though.  I guess I should explain...

I met Audrey around, what has it been now?  Five years?  That sounds right.  It was at a club opening.  I was drawn to her.  I don't usually let certain parts of my body make the decision, but I thought, ‘Why not let go, Howie?  You deserve a break.'  That may have been the biggest mistake of my life.  Though it is one I'm not entirely convince I would change given the chance.

She was tall and gorgeous.  I wanted to run my fingers through that long, dark hair.  And her eyes?  Oh this amazing shade of green.  I asked her to dance, and that was it!  We've been together ever since.  Sort of.

This is where the dumbass in me shows.  Alex would probably call me a fucktard.  In fact, I think he has.  All four of the guys have called me some variation.  I wasn't blind to it, I just chose to ignore it.  Don't ask me why.

I believe it was sometime near the end of our first year together.  I didn't want to believe it was true, so I convinced myself it wasn't.  About six months after the first signs of her cheating she told me she was pregnant.  When she told me that she was pregnant I'd convinced myself she'd stop.  She had to love me, she was having my baby.

Yes, you can smack me in the head now.  I deserve it.

Surprise, surprise, it didn't stop.  Lord only knows what trouble I could've gotten myself into because of my sheer stupidity.  Then Gwen was born.  Best day of my life.  I didn't want to put her through the pain-it's not right for a innocent child to be fought over and shipped back and forth between parents.  We'd work it out.

The truth is, I didn't want to risk losing her.  I was always afraid deep down inside that if I left Audrey, then she would take Gwen and I'd never see her again.  Looking back on it now, I wish I'd done something more at the beginning.  Or even just after Gwen was born!  She was too young to know the difference at that point.  Gwen was three now, and three year olds know what's going on, even if they don't understand it.

I just couldn't do it anymore.  It wasn't fair for Gwen to be stuck in the middle.  It wasn't fair of me to let my three year old daughter hear her mom and dad fighting, even when we didn't think she could hear us.  So I told Audrey to get out.

What prompted the sudden decision?  Audrey confessed.  She'd gotten as far as admitting to cheating for four and a half years, and admitting to the fact that she didn't actually love me anymore, before our beautiful three year old appeared in the kitchen with us.  I wasn't about to have that conversation in front of her.

I watched as Gwen bounced in and I could tell that she'd dressed herself.  You know what I'm talking about, when a kid has no sense of matching.  They think it looks perfect, and it is their favorite blue striped shirt and orange polka-dot skirt.  I just shook my head, trying to stifle a laugh as I told her how beautiful she'd looked.  We'd fix it later.

Gwen had looked up at me with those big green eyes, the same ones her mother has, "Daddy, you's takes me to aunt Ashens?"

Ah Ashlynn.  My best friend and the only person, besides the guys, that I felt comfortable enough with to tell my secrets to.  Ashlynn is Audrey's big sister, Gwen's aunt, and my savior on some days.  Okay, most days.  Today happened to be one of those days.

Gwen had demanded that we take Ashlynn painting for her birthday, and this was supposed to be that day.  It hadn't look like plans were going to stay on schedule.

I crouched down in front of her, "Yes baby girl, we are going to see Aunt Ashlynn.  Go put on some shoes and we'll go."

I watched her wide grin as she turned and ran out of the kitchen.  She hadn't even glanced at her mother.  That has to tell you something.

When I'd turned back around Audrey was glaring at me.  She was upset with me because she didn't have the same relationship with our daughter that I did.  Can you believe that?

I'd ignored the look, "I'm going to drop Gwen off with Ash.  We need to talk."

I watched Audrey nod and then I saw the grin spread across her face.  I knew there was much more to it then.  It was definitely going to be a long day.

I shook off the horrible feeling creeping into my brain and went in search of my daughter, "You ready baby girl?"

I went to the bottom of the stairs and waited for her.  She giggled as she ran down the stairs.  I heard her giggles get louder when I caught her at the bottom and swung her up into my arms.

I've always loved the feeling of her small body against mine.  I love holding my daughter.  She's like a little monkey, wrapping her legs around my waist when I carry her.  She grabbed my face planted a wet kiss on my cheek as I carried her out to the garage.

I watched her through the rearview mirror as I drove over to Ashlynn's house.  She was so funny dancing around in her carseat.  So sweet and innocent, completely oblivious to the fact that her world may very well have been crumbling around her.

"Daddy, you's puts on da Boys?  I's wanna hears my untel J."

I shook my head, letting out a little chuckle.  Every single time we were in the car she wanted me to put on BSB.  Ashlynn had created a little monster.

I pushed the correct buttons to fulfill my daughter's request.  Gwen grinned widely when she'd heard the first notes of I Want it That Way, and she began bopping along, singing as best as she could.

I didn't know what was going to happen between Audrey and I, but I knew it wouldn't be pleasant.  I just had to make sure I did what I needed to, to keep Gwen out of the middle.

Gwen's wiggling in the back seat brought me back to the present.  I knew she knew we were close because the excitement in her wiggling got bigger and bigger.  When I finally pulled into the driveway, she squealed, begging me to hurry up and get her out.  I laughed as I watched her run top speed up the path and bang on the front door.

The door opened and there was Ashlynn.  Gwen had herself wrapped around her Aunt's legs before the door was even fully open.  Was it possible for a child to love her aunt more than her mother?

"Gwenny bear!" I heard Ashylnn exclaim.  I stood at the car, watching Ashlynn trying to pry Gwen off of her.

"Ashen!  I's comes ta pways wif yous!"

I decided it was time to step in, saving Ashlynn from tripping, so I walked up the path, "Gwen, you have to let go of Aunt Ashlynn or she'll fall down."

Gwen reluctantly let Ashlynn's legs go, but immediately grabbed her hand and dragged her back into the house.

"You don't look so good," Ashlynn pointed out.

"Gee thanks.  It's been a long morning," I answered, following them into the house.

Ashlynn raised her eyebrow in question and I nodded.

Turning to Gwen, she got down to her level, "Gwenny bear, why don't you go into my room and find the toys so daddy and I can talk for a minute.  I think there might even be some new stuff in there."

Gwen's eyes lit up and she was off.

Once she was out of ear shot, Ashlynn turned back to me, "What's going on?"

"Audrey.  I kind of kicked her out."

"Wow...it's about damn time!"

I gave her a look and she put her hands up, "Sorry, sorry.  So what happened?"

I glanced down the hall to make sure we were still alone, "Would you be mad if I changed our plans?"

"No way.  You go do what you have to do.  Gwen can keep me company.  We'll go shopping or something."

"Thanks Ash.  I just need to get Audrey sorted out, and I don't want Gwen there."

Ashlynn nodded her understanding.

I knew I needed to get back and get this over with, so I went down the hall to say goodbye to Gwen.

"Daddy, we's supposed ta go paint!"

"I know baby girl, but daddy and mommy have to talk, so you're going to hang out with Aunt Ashlynn by yourself for a few hours."

"We can goes to paint tomorrow?"

"Maybe baby girl.  Can I have a hug?"

Gwen nodded and I opened my arms.  I kissed her nose and then her forehead, just like I always do, and I stood up and left.

Sitting in the car now, I wish I'd just have gotten it over with three years ago.  I'm not sure how or why I let my life get like this.  All I know is that I need to get it back on track.  The second I step in that house, I know I will be one step closer to getting there.