I stood in the empty room... room 644 in the Children's Hospital. Matthew's room.

I stared at the empty bed with its clean starched white sheets and it's empty IV poles. The mural of Star Wars on the wall with Darth Vader and Yoda, Han Solo and Chewbacca -- it was a boys dream room and yet, it was a hospital room that no one in their wildest dreams would ever dream of really wanting to stay in. There was always something comforting about walking into an empty room when you knew the reason behind its emptiness was your patient being able to go home well.

I'd watched children come and go from that room over the past three months, all boys, some Matthew's age, some younger. They were most often only there for a day or two, to receive chemo or have a procedure done and then leave. I never really got to know those patients well. It was much easier for me to separate myself from my patients when they only stayed a day or two. The difference with Matthew and Christi, with Rachel and the others was that they were in the hospital for weeks, sometimes months at a time. I'ts impossible not to become attached to someone you see everyday for months.

I shook my head slowly as I stared down at the bags in my hands. I walked quietly over to the IV poles and began loading them one by one. The saline drip for fluids, the chemo to slow the progress of the cancer... the morphine, for the pain. When I'd received the call from my superior hours before my heart nearly broke in two.

"Jessica?"

"This is she."

"It's about Matthew."

I sighed deeply. I should have known it was coming. Three months was the longest Matthew had ever been out of the hospital since this entire ordeal began nearly five years before. Matthew's bone marrow transplant was failing, again. The other two times before there'd been hope, a potential light at the end of a long and painful tunnel that Matthew had to struggle through every single day. This time I knew what the outcome would be. I had a feeling Matthew had known all along.

I stared at the bags on the IV poles. The morphine seemed to taunt me from it's position in front. I'd have to call up his oncologist and order a pain pump for him... so that he could control this himself. I prefered to give my patients the most control that I could in the final stages of their disease. I wanted Matthew to have the ultimate say.

I sat on the side of his bed and said a prayer that he wouldn't suffer too much... that whatever needed to happen wouldn't be too painful. I knew the realities though. Death was never painless... never pretty.

Matthew's marrow was already failing, his cancer spreading quickly. He may have a few months left... he may have a few weeks. I wanted to make those last few weeks or months the best I possibly could for him. I walked over and opened the blinds, allowing the sunlight to stream into the room and warm the cold sterile atmosphere. I called the child life specialist and had her bring in his favorite video game system and some paints. Matthew loved to play games and paint.

I left his room and went to the breakroom alone. I laid on the couch and rubbed my stomach, sipping on a soda as I thought about all the times Matthew and I had shared together. It would be impossible for all of this not to become personal for me... it already was. Matthew would be arriving that evening, I would already be off of work for my four day weekend with a trip planned with Aj. I don't think I'd ever wished for a weekend to end more quickly.