My heart beat heavily as I walked down the hallway of the pediatrics ward. I'd dreaded this moment all weekend. Dreaded it and yet, I was more than ready to get it over with. I may have been more than ready to get it over with, but I would never be ready to walk into his room and see him lying there in that hospital bed fighting for his life. I paused outside his door for a few moments trying to steel my emotions and prepare myself for the realities that lay inside the quiet solitude of room 644.

I thought for a moment about the past weekend and how I'd found myself thinking about Matthew the entire time I'd been out of town. I'd tried my best to enjoy my trip to vegas with Aj. I knew we needed the time together as a couple before the baby came and I had certainly enjoyed being alone, just the two of us in the city of lights and sex and gambling. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right? Unfortunately my body was overly pregnant and mind was often in other places and because of those two things I'd found myself trying too hard to have fun.

"You okay?" I remembered Aj asking me on our last day as we were packing to head home, "you've seemed a little distant this weeked."

I sighed. It always came down to these kind of conversations. I hated that my job made me 'distant' from my husband... from my life. "I'm just dreading getting back to work," I responded half-heartedly as I sat down on the bed and stuffed a stack of maternity shirts in my suitcase.

He nodded as he sat down beside me and gave me a gentle hug. I shrugged and prepared myself for the all too familiar lecture I just knew he'd throw my direction. I was thankful when it never came. Any other time I'd mentioned being tired of working or not wanting to go to work he'd jumped on his "you have no reason to work so why don't you just quit and come on tour with me," kick and we'd ended up fighting for days. This time there was none of that. Just a simple hug that spoke volumes of the change in our relationship... the change in his understanding... the change in the maturity and development of our love.

I turned and faced the door in front of me. I didn't know what to expect when I opened it. I'd missed rounds that morning because of a doctor's appointment for routine pregnancy bloodwork, and therefore I'd missed finding out what condition Matthew was in when he arrived at the hospital last week... and how he was doing now. All I knew was what my chart told me, that Matthew had begun high dose chemotherapy and was on a steady drip of morphine. I already knew in my heart what waited on the other side... a child sick and in pain. I didn't need rounds to tell me that.

I opened the door slowly and peeked inside. The room was dark and silent with the exception of the steady beeps from the heart monitor and the IV pole. I squinted to adjust my eyes to the darkness and entered quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping figures in the bed and on the couch across the room. Matthew was curled up peacefully in the bed, a cool rag draped across his head, an emesis basin on the bedside stand. I walked carefully over to the IV stand and fiddled with the numbers, slowing his chemo drip and making sure his morphine bag was full. I stared silently down to where he lay, his face pale, dark circles surrounded his eyes and he was clutching his blankets tightly in his hands as if in attempt to squeeze away the pain.

His mother was asleep on the couch across the room. She was covered nearly completely with a hospital blanket and she was snoring softly. The room was cold enough to freeze a polar bear and I hoped she had enough blankets to keep her warm.

As I adjusted the IV in Matthew's arm to make sure it was working properly he stirred awake. His eyes flickered open and came to rest upon my figure. He smiled slightly and nodded at me, sticking out his arm in a gesture of acceptance, letting me do my job because he was sure I wouldn't hurt him.

"Sorry I woke you up," I whispered as I finished and handed his arm back to him. I took my stethoscope from around my neck and warmed it with my breath before placing it on his chest, "I'll be done in a second and you can get back to sleep."

"It's okay," he sighed heavily, "I can sleep when I'm dead."

A simple phrase that coming from anyone else may have been funny. Coming from Matthew it was simply another realization of what the young man was going through. I nodded my head in understanding and draped my stethoscope back around my shoulders.

"Is there anything I can get for you?" I asked as he wiggled around in the bed in attempt to get comfortable.

"A new butt would be nice," he laughed and I laughed with him, "this one's getting kinda tired of laying around in bed all day."

"I can only imagine." It was so good to see that he still had his sense of humor. Honestly I could never see him losing that... not even in his final moments.

"Wow!" He remarked pointing towards my ever expanding waistline, "that baby sure is growing in there."

I laughed again, "yep, it sure is!"

"It," he gave me a questioning glance, "did you not find out if you're having a boy or girl?"

I shook my head in response and he rolled his eyes. I rolled mine back at him, "I like surprises."

He smiled, "I guess that would be pretty cool."

I finished replacing the bags on his IV pole as he settled back down into bed, his eyelids heavy with the sleep he seemed to be trying to fight. He was dozing off as I went to leave the room.

"Hey Jess," he called out to me as I approached the doorway, satisfied that my patient was in stable condition... if only for the moment.

"Yeah Matt," I answered.

"You know that movie you asked me about when I was here last time?"

I nodded... of course I remembered. "Of course I remember."

"Can I still be in it... I mean, if you still have a spot for me?"

"Matthew there's been a spot for you all along," I answered giving him a reassuring smile, "I would be so honored if you would be in my movie."

He smiled and I could see him visibly heave a sigh of relief. "Thank you!"

"No, thank you! When do you want me to film you?"

He seemed to be thinking for a few moments. He looked around the room quietly, taking in the sight of his mother sleeping on the couch. He finally looked back towards me and nodded, "Not today... give me a couple weeks and I know I'll be ready."

I nodded. "I'm ready when you are... just say the word."

I left the room, shutting the door softly behind me. A couple weeks.

I hoped in my heart that Matthew had a couple weeks left.