I slipped quietly into his hospital room that morning, certain that any loud noise would wake him and cause him more pain than was absolutely necessary... at least at this point in time. I paused when I heard the song on the radio. His mother had clearly brought his favorite CD along... Rascal Flatts. I couldn't remember the number of times the two of us had sat together and talked about his favorite music or his favorite tv shows or his favorite books over the past 4 and a half years but from those numerous conversations I could list his favorites pretty much in order and I knew that Rascal Flatts ranked right at the top. In fact, the two of us could be caught at any given time, rocking out to his other favorite Rascal Flatts songs, like "Life is a Highway", "Mayberry" and "Praying for Daylight" together, dancing around his hospital room, he would be hooked up to his IV pole being pumped full of fluids and chemo, singing like there was no tomorrow, singing like his life depended on it. I would be wearing his favorite Scooby Doo scrubs and using my stethoscope as a mircophone. The two of us made quite a pair... at least that's what the other nurses always said.

'Praying for daylight', I thought silently to myself... now that's what we were all doing for Matthew... just praying for daylight.

I sat beside his bed and held his hand as the music floated gently on the air and I hummed along to the beautiful melody. His mother had come to me that morning and asked if I would sit with him for a little while when she went home to grab a few things and spend some time with his little sister. Of course I'd said, 'yes'. I would always say yes when one of my favorite patients was involved. I had definitely broken every rule in my own book of nursing codes when it came to Matthew. I'd come too close... cared too much... I'd taken Matthew home in my heart on more than a few occassions and I felt it now, sitting beside his bed, holding his hand in mine. The loss would be great. I'd felt as close to Matthew as I had to only one or two other patients during my entire career. I think it was a kind of closeness that could only come from knowing a patient for so long. It's hard enough not to get attached to children in just a few weeks... but after years... after 4 and half years... Matthew had definitely won my heart and there would always be a special place reserved for him there.

I sighed deeply and watched Matthew breathing peacefully there beside me. "I hope you know how much you're loved Matt," I whispered to him as I gently wiped his face with a cool cloth. I hoped he knew how much the people in that hospital cared about him... how much people all over the world cared about him. Matthew's mother had created an online website for him... a dedication page and 'fans' from all over the country and even from other countries would send him messages of love and hope and strength. Matthew had always loved checking his guestbook and sharing his messages with me.

I watched the heart monitor as it steadily beeped at 90, his blood pressure was even, his temperature normal. It was hard to believe that he was dying. Hard to believe that this young man, in the prime of his life would be gone in a little while. I held his hand tighter and let him know that it was okay to let go... that everyone... his mom, his sister, his family and friends... we were all ready when he was.

I sat by his bed a while longer until his mom arrived and then I stood and left the room as she took her rightful spot in the chair beside her son's bed. I had to go and sit in the lounge by myself for a while and think about how much Matthew's death was going to affect me.

I must have fallen asleep on the sofa because the next thing I knew I was being shaken awake...

"Jess," it was Aj, standing there beside me. What was he doing in the hospital... in our nursing lounge? Wait a minute... I looked around me and took in the site of the monitors and felt the warmth of the bed beneath me and the blankets covering me. What was going on? Where was I?

"Where am I?" I asked as I tried to sit up but instead ended up laying quickly back down as dizziness washed over my aching body.

"You're still at the hospital Jessica," Aj said in a serious tone as he stood beside me and placed a hand lovingly in mine. "You passed out earlier and they couldn't get you to wake up so they brought you up here and hooked you up to some monitors and things and called me. You scared the hell outta me babe."

I nodded... scared the hell out of myself too. At least I did just then when I woke up in a hospital bed. I really wasn't aware of the whole passing out and not waking up episode... I was just under the impression I'd fallen asleep. "Is everything okay though?" I asked growing more concerned when Aj didn't continue... "I mean... is the baby okay?" I reached down and felt my still swollen belly and sighed with relief, at least I was still clearly pregnant.

Aj nodded in response. "The doctor said she thinks you were just exhausted."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

I felt his hand squeeze mine tighter as he sat on the bed beside me. "No more of this Jess... you're starting to scare me. You're working too much... to hard. I know you're scared about your patients, but this... this has to stop before something bad happens to YOU."

I tried not to look him in the eye, afraid of the anger I'd see if I did but he lifted my face in his hands and I had to and surprisingly there wasn't any anger at all... only concern. And I felt the concern too. For him, for myself, for my baby. I nodded in agreement. "Okay."

I laid back in the bed and shut my eyes as he climbed in beside me and cuddled up next to my body. I couldn't help but still be worried about Matthew and everything that was going on around me but I also knew that Aj was right. I had to stop this... I had to rest.

I had to try and enjoy this last bit of my pregnancy. I had to be healthy for myself and for my baby.