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“Am I really the only one who is snow boarding?” Stacie asked zipping up her coat and putting her hat on.

“We have extra skis if you—” Nick started.

“NO! I mean, that’s okay. I’ve never been and this just is more fun anyway, probably?”

“Alright. Brian are you sure Leigh didn’t want to come?”

“She wanted to just relax and read a little with Jen. A.J. is out with Amanda hooking up the skis onto the snow mobiles.”

“That is so sweet that we have to take those to get to the mountain. Is it really only going to be us?” Stacie asked excitedly.

“Just us. You ready?”

“Yep. I packed our lunches and they’re in the backpack.”

“Did you pack your medicine?”

“Yes, Nick.” Stacie’s voice was kind of in a warning tone, telling him to stop worry. The three went outside to where A.J and Amanda were already on one snow mobile.

“All set?” Amanda asked holding onto A.J.’s waist.

“I’m driving!” Stacie called out hopping onto the sled.

“No way!”

“She’s probably a better driver than you Nick,” Amanda laughed and A.J. and Brian agreed.

“Get on Carter,” Stacie started up the sled. A.J. took off and Stacie followed behind, with Brian following them with Howie on the sled with him. Within twenty minutes they reached the mountains. There was a small log cabin where they brought in their bags. The cabin had a bathroom, a table and fire place.

“Do you think you can teach me how to board sometime we’re here?” Amanda asked.

“Sure thing! It’s a blast.”

“Awesome, A.J. you should learn too!”

“I’ve done it once.”

“It wasn’t a pretty sight,” Nick laughed.

“Alright let’s go, it’s already ten am, I told Leigh we’d be back by three.”

“You got it Frick. Which side of the hill should we go on first?”

“We’ll go over to the east side where the sun is, there’s not a lot of rocks over there.” Everyone put their bindings on and then went outside to put their skis on.

“This is awesome, the fact we have to walk up the mountain to get down.”

“Who is this kid?” Nick asked to no one in particular.

“Nick, you’re just mad because you’re not in the best shape to get up this mountain,” Brian said matter of factly. “And well Stacia, she is.”

“Shut it Bri,” Nick warned.

“Both of you shut it and get moving!” A.J. was already heading towards the mountain and was making his way up. It took a good fifteen minutes to make up the east side of the mountain, it was a bit smaller than the west and north side but it was good for just starting out. They reached the top and took a few moments to take in the scenery.

“Beautiful,” Amanda said lifting her goggles up and placing them on the top of her head. Stacie looked around the mountain and finally got her eyes to meet the bottom of the hill. She took a step back holding her board and felt her heart begin to rise.

“Last one down has to do dishes on their own tonight!” Brian said as he fixed his binding on his ski.
“Brian, we’re old men and haven’t skied in probably two years. Anastasia over here is going to kick our ass.” Nick held onto his poles and skied over to Stacie. She was staring off down the mountain.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~A Year Ago~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“So, what do I get if I make down before you do?” Stacie asked smirking up at Ryan.

“You get me.”

“I already have you! I want you to then admit that snow boarding is better than skiing and you will tell your buddies that I kicked your ass down this sick hill!”

“You got it. And if I win?”

“You’ll get a special treat tonight,” she winked and he pulled her in for a kiss.

“I love you future Mrs. Ryan Atkins,” he kissed her again.

“I love you Mr. Atkins. Now you’re on!” She pulled away and they got ready to go down the hill.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Present~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Earth to Stacie,” Nick waved his hand in front of her face.

“Sorry, what were you saying Nick?”

“You ready to do this? We then have to go to the bigger hill; it’s actually easier than this hill because this one has more turns.”

“Uh, yeah I’m ready.” She told Nick and placed her feet onto the board, snapping them in.

Brian looked at Nick and Nick shrugged his shoulders. “This one you have to veer left towards the bottom right?” Amanda asked A.J.

“You got it babe, let’s do it,” A.J. started down the hill and Amanda followed with Howie.

“Come on Stace,” Nick called out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~A Year Ago~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Stacie was ahead of Ryan down the mountain; she glanced over her shoulder and saw that he was gaining up on her fast. The snow sprayed wet slush as Ryan passed her. She had eased up on her speed knowing that she would catch up to him on the second turn because of the steepness of the hill. She jumped over a small edge and landed smoothly back on the board and was almost up to Ryan.

Before she knew it, everything was happening so fast. She heard a loud snap and saw Brian just below her take a fall. They were on the steepest part of the mountain and knew that the best thing to do when you were in this kind of situation was to keep your body limp and wait until you stopped tumbling. She’s had her share of falls but Ryan was going so fast. There wasn’t a lot of snow on this part of New York where they were visiting friends.

“RYAN!” she kept calling out as she boarded down the hill as fast as she could to catch up to her fiancé. He didn’t stop until his body hit the pile of rocks on the mountain. He looked like a rag doll thrown around and as Stacie reached him, his body was limp. “RYAN!” she screamed as she reached where he was. She quickly got herself off of the board and threw herself next to him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Present~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Anastasia!” Nick yelled and shook her arm. She shook her head and looked at Nick with wide eyes. “Are you feeling alright baby? You keep zoning out.”

“Um, yeah, yes. I’m fine. You ready?!” she pulled on a fake smile.

“You don’t feel sick or light headed? You would tell me?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking of something, no big deal. I would tell you,” she put her goggles down over her eyes.

“Alright, let’s do it! Brian just went down; maybe we can try to catch him!” Stacie nodded her head and watched as Nick started down the mountain.

“It was a freak accident, he had bad bindings, this is different kind of snow,” she gave herself a pep talk and took in a deep breath. Letting it slowly she started down the hill. She couldn’t remember the last time she was nervous going down a hill, but she also hadn’t boarded since the accident. She soon caught up to Nick and watched as he skied with ease. He actually was pretty good. They were almost at the bottom of the hill when she saw Nick’s tip of ski get caught under and fell forward rolling down.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~A Year Ago~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Baby speak to me, Ryan!” both legs were bent in awkward angles. A large gash was open on his right temple with blood pouring out. “Ryan…SOMEONE HELP ME!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, tears pouring out. A ski patrol team was already on their way from a distance and people were gathering around the lifeless body and Stacie.

“Ryan, talk to me, open your eyes, help is coming baby,” her voice shook with fear. She took his hand into hers and she felt him squeeze it gently. She brought it up to her lips and kissed his now gloveless hand. She brought her face down to his and with his eyes still closed he whispered to her:

“I love you Angel. I’m so sorry…”

“No, shh, just save your energy.”

“I’m sorry, I’m always with you…” his voice trailed off.

“Ryan NO I love you!” she felt Ryan’s hand go limp and another skier checked his pulse. She looked up at the woman who had stopped to try to help. She thought she heard her mention that she was a nurse.

“I’m so sorry Miss—”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Present~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Nick’s body stopped at the bottom of the hill and everyone else had skied up to him. She made down next to him.

“NICK!” she had screamed out as she knelt down by him with her board still on her feet. She threw off her goggles and gloves.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” Nick said sitting up rolling his neck around.

“Nick man we just can’t let you do anything sports related any more,” A.J laughed.

“It’s NOT FUNNY!” Stacie yelled she now had tears streaming down her face.

“Hey there, Anastasia, I’m okay, I think I hurt my ankle again but I’m okay.” Nick took his glove off and reached for her hand.

“Accident’s happen honey, everyone’s okay,” Brian tried to console her.

“I-I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Nick,” she stood up, took her board off and walked briskly towards the log cabin.

“I’ll go check on her,” Amanda said and skied towards the direction Stacie took off.

“Way to go Nick,” A.J. slapped Nick’s head.

“I didn’t do that on purpose! My tip got caught!” he stood up with Howie and Brian’s help.

“You hurt?” Brian asked holding onto Nick still.

“I think I messed that ankle up again.” Nick tried to put weight on it and scrunched his face up. “Damn, I’m sorry guys.”

“I’ll go get a sled,” A.J. told the guys and skied away.

“Do you know why she got so upset? I mean she’s a snow boarder I’m sure she’s seen her fair share and experienced falls like that.” Howie asked Nick.

“I don’t know she’s been kind of weird since we’ve been here. I’m worried about her,” Nick shifted his weight a little.

“It doesn’t seem like her, I mean I don’t know her that well, but something isn’t right Nick.”

“I know. Damn, why did this happen on the first day?”

“It’s okay, we’ll get you home, we’ll work on some songs and you can rest this week while the rest of us ski.” Brian told Nick half jokingly.

“Great,” Nick mumbled.

“Did you see her board down that hill though? She was so graceful and looked like a pro!” Howie told the guys.

“She did look pretty hot,” Nick admitted. Amanda then came up to them with a sled.

“Where’s A.J.?” Brian asked as she hopped off.

“Well, he took Stacie back to the house, she kinda almost passed out.” Her eyes landed on Nick’s as she said that.

“What?! Is she alright?” Nick asked.

“I think so, I think she’s just freaked about what happened to Nick, she mentioned some other guy though, I think she said something about Ryan?” Brian and Howie helped Nick onto the sled.

“Who is Ryan Nick?” Howie asked.

“Oh man,” at that moment everything clicked to Nick. “We have to get back to her. Ryan was her fiancé; I think he died in a skiing accident. She never told me, but it just makes sense.”

“Poor thing,” Amanda said.

“I’ll get Nick back you guys meet us at the house,” Brian told them. He got on the sled and went back to the house. They reached the house and found A.J. out on the porch.

“Hey guys,” he walked up to Brian and Nick helping Nick get up the steps.

“Where is she?”

“Leigh is taking care of her upstairs. Give them a bit. Let’s get Nick taken care of.” They got Nick inside and him out of his snow pants.

“Have you talked to Leigh yet?” Nick asked Brian who had brought Nick out ice to put on Nick’s ankle.

“No, I’ll go up now to see if they need anything.” Brian disappeared up the stairs and knocked on Nick’s and Stacie’s door. Leigh answered. “How is she doing?”

“She’s doing better. I was scared when she first came in the house though. I thought I was going to have to call someone. How’s Nick?”

“He hurt his ankle but he’s worried about her. Did she tell you about Ryan?”

“Not really, I just tried to calm her down. She took her medicine but now she’s just kind of out of it. Who is Ryan?” As Brian was about to say something Stacie came to the door. She was in a turtle neck and jeans.

“Hey you.” Brian pulled her in for a hug. “Come on, someone wants to see you,” Brian kissed Leigh’s cheek. “You’re amazing,” he whispered in her ear and took Stacie’s hand and brought her downstairs. When Nick saw them come into the living room he stood up and limped over to Stacie.

“Oh, baby I’m sorry,” he pulled her into his arms. She held onto him tightly, burying her face into his chest.

“Nick, I’m sorry I freaked. I never told you, I thought if I just pushed it away I’d be fine for this trip. But when I got on top of the mountain the memories of that day came flooding back. And when you fell, I thought it was happening all over again.”

“Let’s sit down,” Nick sat on the large leather couch that sat in front of the roaring fire Leigh had made. Stacie tucked her knees up to her chest and still had her arms wrapped around Nick and her head lying down on his chest. “You could’ve told me on top of the hill and I would’ve walked down with you.”

“I thought the feeling and memories would just pass, I’m sorry.”

“Were you with him that day?” She nodded her head and began telling him everything that had happened from the beginning.

“And he was gone…just like that. Something we had done hundreds of times and he was gone. Nick I’m sorry but I just don’t think I can ski or board again.”

“Stop apologizing. Do you want me to take you home? We can get it arranged for the morning.”

“No, I want to be here with you. I can still have fun without going boarding.”

“If you change your mind just let me know. But honestly, I don’t think I’m going to be skiing for the remainder either.”

“Oh, how is your ankle?” She sat up and looked at Nick’s leg that was propped up on a pillow.

“It’s sore but it will be okay. I’ll be okay, and you’re going to be okay.” He pulled Stacie up to him.

“I know,” she smiled looking into his eyes.

The next day Stacie came clean with everyone in the house and told them about Ryan and his accident. She made sure to leave out the part where she went crazy because only Nick needed to know that. That was something special between the two, to allow them to trust one another.

Of course everyone understood and gave their condolences and she assured them that it was going to be a stress free trip while they were there.

The guys were in the living room, in comfortable clothes and each with his own guitar. Papers were spread out on the couches, floor and table. There was a discomfort in the room, even though a fire was going and the boys were wearing their pajamas still.

“Guys come on we have to focus, I know what we’re all thinking and feeling but we agreed we definitely need to have a few songs that are completely written on our own. And it’s not like Kev is gone forever, we can show him our stuff before we take it in,” Brian tried to rationalize with his brothers.

“I think we should join the girls,” A.J. said ignoring what Brian had just discussed. Brian threw up sheets of paper in the air and stood up.

“I’m getting some more tea,” Brian said.

“What are they doing again?” Howie asked.

“Anastasia is doing yoga with them in the upstairs sun room,” Nick said strumming his guitar.

“I agree with A.J.” Howie said nodding.

“No, we have to work. And I know we’re having a hard time with this, but Brian is having a harder time. I mean Kevin is the one who got him to join the group anyway,” Nick said.

Brian came back into the living room with a steaming cup of tea and took a seat. “We should keep going with this one,” he placed the cup down on the table and picked up a note sheet. “Nick’s got a really great idea and A.J. you added that one awesome melody part.” Brian picked his guitar up and started strumming:

I close the door
Like so many times, so many times before
Felt like a scene on the cutting room floor
When I let you walk away tonight
Without a word

I try to sleep, yeah
But the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me
A thousand more regrets unraveling, ohh
If you were here right now, I swear,
I'd tell you this

Baby I don't want to waste another day
Keeping it inside it's killing me
Cause all I ever want, it comes right down to you
I'm wishing I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you every time you leave
I'm inconsolable

I climb the walls, yeah.
I can see the edge but I can't take the fall, no.
I've memorized the number
So why can't I make the call?
Maybe 'cause I know you'll always be with me
In the possibility

Baby I don't want to waste another day
Keeping it inside it's killing me
Cause all I ever want, it comes right down to you
I'm wishing I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you every time you leave
I'm inconsolable
Nooo, nooo, no

I don't want to be like this,
I just want to let you know,
Everything that I'm holding,
Is everything I can't let go, can't let go.

Cause’ Baby I don't want to waste another day
Keeping it inside it's killing me
Cause all I ever want, it comes right down to you
I'm wishing I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you every time you leave
I'm inconsolable

Don't you know it baby
I don't want to waste another day

I'm wishing I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you every time you leave
I'm inconsolable
Yeah yeah, yeah, ohh, I’m inconsolable whooahhh, inconsolable

Backstreet Boys “Inconsolable”
Unbreakable –to be released October 30, 2007

Ch.14 “Lift Me Up”

Within two hours the boys had a completed song, a song that they felt Kevin would be proud of as well as their fans. They had the girls come down to hear the song and they each sat by their man listening. It was at this point that Stacie realized who she was with exactly and how it was such an honor to even know one of the boys. At the end of the song the girls clapped and Stacie wiped away a tear that had started rolling down her cheek. It was a beautiful and touching song.

“Amazing,” she told Nick simply. She kissed his cheek and he grinned ear to ear.

“You know, it was Nick’s idea for the song, he thought of inconsolable and what it meant to feel that,” Brian said trying to give Nick some brownie points.

“It was a great idea Nick, I haven’t really heard your other stuff for this album but I think it should be your first single.”

“You think so?” Nick asked pulling Stacie to his lap.

“I know so.”

“Ugh get a room,” A.J. threw a pillow at the two.

“A.J. leave them alone, they’re new love birds,” Jen said.

“Well, I need a food break. I say we make those pizzas in there tonight, I don’t feel like cooking.” Howie stood up with Amanda.
“Sounds good to me,” Leigh got up to help them.

“I need a nap,” Brian stood up, gave Leigh a kiss and headed up stairs.

“Uh, so do we…” A.J. pulled Jen’s hand and ran up the stairs.

“Sure you do Bone,” Nick called out laughing. “What do you want to do?” He turned his attention to Stacie. It was only them in the living room.

“Hmm, I want to play a little, may I?” she picked up Nick’s guitar. “Maybe you can give me some pointers?”

“I’d love to.”

“I started working on this song, a little after we met. The night I told you about—.”

“Okay give it to me.” Stacie tuned a few strings to fit her song; she cleared her voice and started.


When Stacie finished playing she kept her eyes on Nick as she did throughout the song. She couldn’t read his expression and set the guitar down.

“That bad huh?” she tucked her hair behind her ears.

“That was, you didn’t tell me, I thought you were working on a song not done with one?”

“Actually the last two stanzas I added just now they kinda just came to me.”

“Babe, that was remarkable. You have to play for the fellas later.”

“You really liked it?”

“I loved it!”

“Well, it’s yours.” Nick looked at her confused. “I wrote it because of you, if you want some of the lyrics or all or just a line for another song goes ahead. It could use a lot of tweaking but I don’t know. I’m crazy I know.”

“Anastasia I can’t believe I haven’t made you play or sing before.”

“I just I don’t know it was always something I’d play with time to time. I actually hadn’t started trying again until after I met you. It was like an ‘okay go’ thing for me. I used to all the time before Ryan passed away.”

“Stay here,” Nick kissed her forehead and stood up. He limped towards the kitchen and then came back a minute later with Howie, Leigh and Amanda.

“I’ll go get the others,” Leigh said heading for the stairs.

“Nick come on, at least help me with it first.”

“Stacia it’s a great song, you have nothing to worry about and I know you are not the shy type.”

“Okay, we’re here what is so important that couldn’t wait until later,” A.J. grumbled plopping himself on a chair with Jen in his lap. A minute later Leigh and Brian came down the steps together.

“Well, Anastasia has been keeping something from us, haven’t you?” Nick asked pushing the guitar towards her face.

“It’s really nothing guys, go back to whatever you were doing,” she pushed the guitar away.

“Hell no, I’m down here now. Do your thing,” A.J. gestured his hand to go on. Stacie took the guitar slowly and looked at Nick. He nodded his head and she started back up.

Lifting me up, lift me up

When I’m down on my luck and I’m searching for my soul, when I’m feeling too much and I start to lose control.
When I’m down so low that even enemies don’t want to know, you still care for me, say a prayer for me and I know, ooo I like you hanging around, ‘cause you lift me up when I’m upside down, ooo you are my favorite sound, ‘cause you’re always down for lifting me up…

Like an angel when I hit the ground, feel your arms all around me when I’m feeling down.
Lift me up like an angel when I hit my low, when your arms around me, I don’t want to let you go. Lift me up, lift me up. Let you go now. Lift me up, lift me up.

When I’m lost along the way I can’t face another day, if I stumble on the road if I can’t carry the load, if I lose my faith, kindness and generosity,

Would you hold my hand, say you understand my pain,
Ohh, I like you hanging around, ‘cause you lift me up when I am upside down, ohh you are my favorite sound, ‘cause you’re always down for lifting me up…

Like an angel when I hit the ground, feel your arms all around me when I’m feeling down.
Lift me up like an angel when I hit my low, when your arms are around me, I don’t want to let you go. Let you go now.

It’s been a long hard road and it’s only just begun my friend,
And this I know you help me carry the load
‘Cause you’re always there for lifting me up…

Like an angel when I hit the ground
Feel your arms around me when I’m feeling down,
Lift me up like an angel when I hit my low, when you’re always around, you’re my favorite sound.

Lift me up like an angel when I hit the ground, feel your arms all around me when I’m feeling down, lift me up like an angel when I hit my low, when your arms are around me, I don’t want to let you go,
I don’t want to let you go, ohhh, ohhhhohhh,ohhhohhhh
You’re my favotire sound, lift me up yea yea, ohhh, ohhhhhh
Lift me up, now, when you’re always around you’re my favorite sound, lift me up.

Backstreet Boys
“Lift Me Up”
Album Unknown?


At the end of the song everyone was quiet. “Again with the silence, you could at least give me a fake clap,” Stacie joked

“You wrote that?” Brian asked running a hand through his sandy blonde hair.

“Yeah?” Stacie bit her bottom lip and looked at Nick.

“What do you think guys?” Nick asked.

“I think someone has some talent that needs to be explored into more,” Howie exclaimed.

“Damn girl,” was all A.J. had to say.

“That sounds something that Nick would write,” Leigh told Stacie. “It was great.”

“Well, I told Nick that if you guys are stuck on writing something, you can go ahead and pull it apart and add or take or whatever. Or it will just sit in my mind to be lost some day.”

“No, that’s your song but I have an idea,” Brian said with a grin. “How about you sing it on our next album and we can do back ups for you?”

“Or you can just have the entire song, really.”

“Come on it would be fun!” Nick said excitedly.

“I’ll think about it Carter. Is that pizza ready yet D?”

“In about fifteen minutes. We got the wheat Dijorno. Nick said it was your favorite kind.”

“Aww actually I hate it.”

“WHAT?!” Nick yelled.

“Chill,” Stacie laughed. “I do love it. And so do you, admit it.”

“I do guys, it’s the truth.” Everyone decided to eat the pizza and put a movie in and relax for the rest of the evening. Nick sat up against the couch and Stacie lied down on his lap.

“So, will you really record this song with us?” Nick asked playing with Stacie’s hair.

“If you guys really want me to and aren’t just trying to be nice about the song,” she replied, her eyes half closed.

“We do want you to, I want you to. The song is great, you need to give yourself more credit than that. Are you even listening to me?” Nick realized her eyes were closed.

“Hmm? Sorry Nicky, I’m sleepy.”

“Eat your pizza it’s getting cold,” Nick took the last bite out of his.

“Not hungry,” she rolled over to her side, so her face was facing Nick’s stomach.

“Why are you sleepy? It’s only seven.”

“I don’t know,” she mumbled and within minutes she was asleep on Nick’s lap.