Chapter Nineteen: Conversation Hesitation
If I ever needed a reminder as to why I hated relationships, that was really it. And the reason I hadn't wanted to date Danica for the past two years that I'd known her? Yup, that was a nice reminder of that too. I was just being blinded by feelings of jealousy. Let Brian have her, he could deal with that crap all on his own, thank you very much.
I just don't understand where all of that suddenly came from this morning. I mean, it wasn't like she'd had an issue with saying she loved me the night before.
Okay, it really was more like “I love that...” Damn, I'm good. Heh heh. But guess that's not really the point. She'd seemed perfectly happy and content with me. This was what she'd wanted, wasn't it? It was me who was waiting and slowing the whole process down. So what was her problem?
I mean really, I thought 'I love you' was something every girl wanted to hear. I mean... not from me! I'm not that cocky. (Well maybe I am..) But from any guy they were with. I don't understand why she flipped her shit so much and why she wouldn't let me say it. It really made no sense if you ask me.
I mean I do love her...don't I? I definitely didn't like the fact that she was kissing Brian. I also didn't like watching them dance together. Danica was right about one thing... I do act sort of rash sometimes. So maybe me seeking her out was just a reaction to seeing her and Brian together. And maybe I didn't actually feel the way I felt, but I was just fooling myself.
Yeah, don't worry. That didn't make sense to me either.
I did have fun the night before. But I mean, every guy likes sex. It wasn't the same as groupie sex though, that's the thing. It wasn't even the same as when I was with Kels. It was different somehow, like I felt happy just to be with her. But maybe that was just because I'd been her friend for so long and known her so well.
God I sicken even myself. Brian is so much better was this romantic gushy crap. Him and Dani really should be together... because evidently whatever I do just makes her upset. Like I said before, this is exactly the reason I wanted to avoid this whole relationship with Dani. Way too much drama involved.
I still couldn't shake that feeling in the pit of my stomach, no matter what I tried to convince myself. But maybe that would go away once I told Dani this wasn't what I wanted. That I'd made a mistake last night. I definitely wasn't looking forward to telling her that.
But hey, maybe after her freak out this morning she'd realized she didn't want to be with me either. That I was too rash or some shit like that. Whatever she'd said. Yeah that really would be
“Nick!” Kevin cut into my thoughts. What now? Couldn't he see I was busy?
“Huh?” I replied stupidly.
“But we are two worlds apart?” He said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. What the fuck was he going on about? The others were fighting back laughter.
Oh shit. Right, we were doing a sound check. How could I have dazed off like that?
Because they're pretty damn boring, that's why. The same songs over and over again... Kevin yelling at us for some reason over and over again. The concerts were definitely better. There were never any screaming girls at sound check.
“Up late last night Nick?” AJ smirked. “Oh that's right, I forgot you weren't getting any.”
“Bite me, J.” He was obviously still bitter about the whole Danica thing. Ha! If only he knew.
But I couldn't quite brag, could I? Not with Brian standing right there. I mean sure, he'd think it was part of the plan.. but I would know better. And I'd feel like shit.
Howie sighed. “I'm really sick of this you guys. Can't you be mature about this and let it go? You're acting like teenage girls fighting over...well...”
“The Backstreet Boys?” Brian snickered. Even Kevin laughed a bit at that.
I hate them.
“Take it from the top guys.” Kevin said, and I took a deep breath, deciding to focus on getting through these songs. I'd deal with Danica later, in one way or another.
I'd done these concerts so many times that they seemed like second nature to me, and my mind often wandered. Even when I was dancing around the stage acting as though I was totally there, I usually wasn't.
Especially not that night. First of all, Danica was up on stage with us. I guess that was fair enough, she was one of our dancers after all. She would dance around with Brian and grind up against him. Fair enough... that's what she was supposed to do. I couldn't take my eyes off them. I wondered if the fans noticed. My guess was probably not.
I had to wonder how awkward that was for her. It was definitely awkward for me... and I didn't even know how I felt anymore. I mean I'd sort of decided I was going to tell her that it probably wouldn't work between us.
But seeing her with Brian brought back that unfamiliar feeling of jealousy and all I could think about was our rendezvous the night before.
It didn't help that throughout the show she kept shooting me little glances. What was that supposed to mean? I thought she was angry with me. See what I meant when I said she made no sense? Then she'd just bounce right back to Brian and continue dancing around him all sexy like.
God, if only the fans knew about the little soap opera playing out right in front of their eyes. They'd definitely be in for a shock.
Oh, but the most awkward part didn't even come until after the show was over. See, after our little argument in sound check, Kevin decided the five of us weren't spending enough quality time together. I shit you not. After touring together for the last I don't know how many months and spending nearly every waking moment together he organizes this stupid game night in his hotel room. Cause you know, apparently that other stuff doesn't count.
But at least I could avoid having an awkward conversation with Danica. Awkward really was the word of the day wasn't it? Jeez.
As luck would have it, AJ went out for a smoke at the same time Howie stepped out to make a phone call and Kevin went to get pizza. Of course that would happen. So Brian and I were left in the room to our own devices. Which normally wouldn't be so terrible.
Except that I had this huge awkward lump in my throat. I knew I should tell him about Dani and me... I mean I didn't know what to do about her, but I still owed to him to tell him that I'd slept with the girl he was so head over heels for, right? Or maybe I didn't, since they weren't official yet.
Or were they official? I didn't quite know the real answer to that. I know Dani had told me she didn't have feelings for him, but maybe in time she could learn to. Brian was probably a better match for her anyway. He could help mellow her out, and he probably knew how to deal with it when she flipped out.
He also probably wouldn't spoil it all by saying something stupid like her loved her. See what I did there? I amuse myself even at the worst of times.
“So.” I broke the silence. I wondered if it seemed as awkward to him as it did to me. I guessed not as he had no idea what was going through my head. “How was your date with Dani?” I couldn't help but ask him... inquiring mind want to know! Plus it would have looked weird if I didn't say anything about it.
He smiled. “It was nice.”
Nice. That sounded so boring. Nothing like the passionate love fest she and I had the night before! That's for sure. Oh sorry, passionate I-really-like-you fest. I wanted to pry for more details but I didn't want to sound like a fifteen year old girl either.
“That's good.” I replied, and quickly jumped into another conversation about the irony of “quality time”. I tried to forget about the whole situation, but it still lingered in my mind. I thought I'd had everything figured out, and now I was just right back to being confused and unsure all over again.
