Kevin, AJ and Howie had been reduced to tears by what Sterling had told them. They couldn't imagine anyone being that cruel to their own. No wonder Nick had fallen apart.

Brian sat there, staring ahead. His head was spinning. All of this he had held in. He never said a word. 'I'm a horrible friend, I should have noticed. I should have caught this before it got out of control. I...I don't deserve to have him as a friend. I'm too selfish.'

He stood up and was halfway to the door before Sterling's voice stopped him, "You aren't a horrible friend and there is no way you could have known or stopped this. Nick hid it well and now he's paying for that. Brian, he needs you to be there for him, not caught up in your own self pity and blame."

That stopped Brian in his tracks. "Well that just proves it doesn't it? I'm a bad friend. I should have known something was this wrong with him. I should...."

Sterling shook his head, "All the should in the world are not going to do anything Brian. The fact is it did happen and another fact is that he is going to need you now more than ever. Hell, he's so afraid of what you think of him now. I don't think he could survive it if you walked away from him too."

Brian's eyes flooded with tears, "I would never walk away from him. Never. I just don't know how he can still call me a friend when I failed him so badly."

Sterling stood up and took Brian by the shoulders and pointed him towards Nick's room. "Go to him. He's waiting for you. Brian, he feels like he failed all of you, not being able to handle this on his own. Talk to him."

Brian nodded and walked to Nick's room. He didn't know what to say when he got there. How to act. God, this all was so hard. He stood out in the hallway for a minute, watching people go by, seeing the lights radiating off of them. This had never happened until he saw Nick like that, but what did they mean? He gripped his head in his hands. He just wanted to go back to when things were simple. Touring. Singing. Everyone was healthy and happy and no one was in the hospital, no weird lights, no mysterious girls made of light around Nick, none of it. With a sigh he straightened and walked through the door into Nick's room.

Nick was standing by the window, looking out over the hospital grounds. Brian didn't want to disturb him, he looked so peaceful standing there. He sat on the bed and waited for Nick to notice he was in the room.

"Stop looking at my butt, Bri."

Brian actually almost choked on the breath he was drawing in, then recovered, "Well I can't help it, Nick. That hospital gown looks particularly fetching on you. Makes your ass look like a girl's."

Nick kept facing the windows, but Brian knew there was a smile on his face. "Yah, like you would know what a girl's ass looks like, Choir Boy."

Brian's answer to that was the soft thud of a pillow hitting the window just above Nick's head. Nick grabbed the pillow and spun around, the smile falling off of his face when he saw the misery on Brian's. "Oh Brian, I know what you are thinking and you are wrong."

Brian shook his head, "Why wouldn't you tell me all this? Why did I have to find out from two different people the whole story?"

Nick came and sat down next to Brian, "It was too painful. It still is. Just telling Sterling was hard enough, but telling you.....I don't think I could bear it, Brian. I just knew you would blame yourself, you always do that. It's not your fault Brian. I held it all inside because I didn't want anyone to know, including you. If I told you, I would have to relive that day and all the awful things that she said. I just couldn't. I still can't. But I need to learn how to deal with it, because we all see what holding it in does." Nick raised his bandaged wrists up.

Brian shook his head, "I still should have known something was this wrong. I should..."

Nick stopped him with a hand over his mouth. "You did know something was wrong, Brian. But you didn't push me and for that, thank you. If you had pushed it would have cracked me faster than I did. I couldn't deal with it, you just treated me normal, like I was the same Nick you had always known and I needed that. You still treat me the same, even after everything you've seen and heard in the past two days. That can't be easy."

Brian shook his head, "Why wouldn't I treat you the same?"

Nick sighed and hugged the pillow to him, "Because I'm not the same Nick Carter I was before. Nothing is the same. I can't even tell you who I am anymore."

Brian grabbed the pillow out of Nick's arms and hauled him into his arms, hugging him close, "Let me tell you who you are then. You are the Nintendo champion of the world. You are the light of Aaron's life, his big brother and a complete and utter god in his eyes. You are kind to everyone Nick, even when it's hard. You are the energy that keeps up going. You are stronger than anyone gives you credit for. You are also more sensitive than you let on. You have a gift that makes people be comfortable around you, and that's pretty rare. You have so much success around you that you could be stuck up, but you aren't, you stay the same sweet kid we've always known. You are smart, Nick, way more than any of the guys or the media gives you credit for. But above it all you are my best friend, my brother and that has nothing to do with what your last name is or whose body you came from, it has everything to do with who you are in here." Brian tapped his fingers on Nick's chest over his heart.

"Everything around you may have changed, but in here you are still the same. In there is what makes you who you are, not who your mother is or who your father is. In there is the Nick I know, the rest of it is just window dressing."

Nick looked up at Brian, "Thank you. You don't know how much I needed to hear that."

Brian hugged him fiercely, "You don't know how much I needed to say that. I love you, Nick and nothing is ever going to change that."

Nick held on to Brian for dear life, "Brian? I need to tell you something."

Brian nodded, "Ok. What is it?"

Nick pulled away and gulped, "I need to leave the Backstreet Boys."