Chapter 10

That night, Alexa stayed up later than she should have. She was nervous about traveling to Kentucky with Brian to meet his family. It just seemed like such a couple-like thing to do and she and Brian were most certainly not a couple. She wished that she could be more than a friend to him, but she knew that it was going to be a long time before Brian was able to take that step with anyone. Besides, she was conflicted. Though she hadn’t spoken to Ben in months, as far as he knew, she was working for him by trying to deceive Brian and push him back into the music business. Now knowing Brian personally, Alexa had no idea how Ben had expected her to accomplish such a goal.

All of that was beside the point; no matter what happened between her and Brian, unless she disappeared from his life forever, he was going to eventually find out that she was paid by his former boss to move in across the street from him, gain his trust and report back to Jive. Alexa knew that even though she had no intention of selling Brian out to Ben, once Brian found out that she was associated with Jive Records, he would feel betrayed and would probably never want to speak to her again. She had lied to him about her job and her living and financial situations. Though she was honest when it counted, Alexa couldn’t say that she would blame him for shutting her out of his life.

The next morning, Alexa’s alarm seemed to go off the minute that her eyelids grew heavy and she finally fell asleep that night. It was 5:30 in the morning. She groaned as she pulled herself out of bed. As she navigated her way down the stairs, she heard noises coming from the kitchen. Slightly shaking, nerves rushing through her body, she grabbed a heavy iron statue off of one of the decorative hallway tables and tiptoed to the kitchen. She flicked the lights on and screamed when she saw Brian standing in front of the refrigerator.

Brian jumped at her screams and then chuckled softly. “What’s your problem?”

“My problem?” She huffed as she kicked him in the shin. “You scared me to death! I thought you were a burglar.”

“Alexa! What the hell did you think that you were going to do with that?” He asked gesturing to the statue. “And what smart woman would come after a potentially dangerous criminal in her underwear?”

Alexa looked down, realizing that she was dressed in a pink sleeping t-shirt and a pair of striped boy-shorts. She quickly stepped behind the island, away from Brian’s view. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought that my house was empty! I was coming down here for coffee. What are you doing here?”

Brian shrugged sheepishly. “I don’t know. I figured you’d be upstairs for a while, showering and whatnot. I’ve been up for a while, so I thought that I’d come over and make you breakfast as a thank you for coming with me. I used the key that you gave me a few weeks ago.”

Alexa sighed and finally placed the metal statue on the counter in front of her. “If you weren’t trying to do something so darn nice, I’d kick you again.”

Brian laughed. “You’re welcome.” He leaned back into the fridge and pulled out a container of eggs. “Now go back upstairs and do what you need to do. Breakfast or not, we’re still leaving at 6.”

Alexa laughed softly. “For someone who’s always late, you sure are worried about leaving on time.”

“Just go, will you?” Brian replied as he began cracking eggs over a glass bowl.

“I’m going, I’m going.”

Brian glanced at her barely clothed figure leaving the kitchen and smirked to himself. He quickly shook his head to clear the naughty thoughts that were beginning to swirl. He looked down at the bowl in front of him and started to scramble the eggs.

Fifteen minutes later, Alexa came bouncing down the stairs wearing a navy blue and white sundress. Her hair was pulled up into a ponytail.

Brian smiled when he saw her. “You look nice, but you do know that it’s November and we’re going to be in a car for six hours?”

“I don’t want to hear your mouth, Littrell.” She smiled softly and sat down on one of the wooden stools that were placed around the island counter. “For one, I’m from New York, remember? Secondly, your family has never met me, so I’m not going to go up there looking like a scrub. Now where’s my breakfast?”

Brian held up one hand in defeat and pushed a warm plate of scrambled eggs in front of her with the other. “You’re more nervous about meeting my parents than even Hayden was and she was my girlfriend at the time.”

Alexa nodded. She felt a pang of disappointment in her heart. ‘And she was my girlfriend at the time,’ repeated in her mind. Alexa knew that she wasn’t Brian’s girlfriend, but hearing him say the words the way that he did just reiterated the fact that she wasn’t his girlfriend now and wasn't ever going to be. “Think of it this way. You’re mom hasn’t seen you in months. The last time that she did see you, you were undoubtedly sobbing on her shoulder about how sad you were, right?”

“I wouldn’t go that far, no.” Brian replied, wondering where she was going with this.

“Let’s just say that now you aren’t so sad anymore and it’s all because of me.” Alexa joked as she took a large bite of her scrambled eggs. She smiled at Brian as he rolled his eyes and shook his head slowly.

If only she knew how right that statement actually was, Brian thought to himself. When he had called his mother the night before, she had been excited that he was bringing a friend with him. At first, she thought that he was bringing Nick or AJ—neither of which had completely stable home lives, both of which had attended holiday dinners at the Littrell home in the past. His mom was even more excited when he told her that no, he wasn’t bringing a Backstreet Boy, he was bringing a girl.

When he had asked Alexa to come with him, he didn’t understand the implications of what that would mean to his family. He didn’t realize that they would automatically become hopeful of having another daughter or sister-in-law in the future. Brian thought that, at the most, they would just be happy that he was branching out beyond his dog and his house. But no, they had expectations. Most of which, Brian was going to fall short of. Though he was attracted to Alexa, he just wasn’t ready to move on. Really, he didn’t know if he’d ever be ready.

As Alexa finished her breakfast, Brian loaded their suitcases into the car. By the time that he came back, she had finished off her eggs and toast, rinsed the plate and put it in the dish rack. “Dang, that was quick.” Brian said with raised eyebrows as he reentered the room.

Alexa shrugged. “I’m actually kind of shocked. You make a mean scrambled egg, Mr. Littrell.”

Brian laughed. “It’s kind of hard to mess up scrambled eggs.”

“They do it at Denny’s everyday.” Alexa looked over at him and smiled. He looked more relaxed than Alexa had ever seen him. “It’s almost six; are you ready to go?”

Brian nodded. “I’m ready whenever you are.”

Alexa grabbed her purse off of the counter and led the way out of the house. Brian walked passed her to go and start the car as she double locked the front door. Brian pulled the car from his driveway up to hers and opened the door for Alexa to climb in. She dropped her purse into the backseat and smiled when she saw Tyke curled up on a pillow, sleeping soundly. "You forgot to mention that we were going to have company." Alexa said, motioning to Tyke as she buckled her seatbelt.

"Of course Tyke is going to come with us. What else was I going to do with him? The only person that I trust enough around here to leave him with is coming with me."

There was a pang in Alexa's heart at the word trust. She shook it off, knowing that she couldn't let the things that she could no longer control ruin the time that she had with Brian now. At that moment she decided. As soon as Thanksgiving was over, she was going to tell him the truth.

"What's the matter?" Brian asked, breaking into her thoughts. "You look troubled over there."

"No, not troubled, just praying." She smiled over at him as he rolled his eyes. "So, what did your mom say when you told her that you were bringing me?"

"She was excited, honestly. I'd told her about you when we started to hang out regularly, so she's excited to meet you." Brian glanced over at her quickly. She was biting her bottom lip in nervous anticipation. "Would you stop being so nervous? There's nothing to be worried about."

Alexa nodded. "I know, but there's always a kind of nervousness about meeting new people, isn't there? Especially people that mean so much to the people that you care about."

"Aw, you care about me." Brian joked at her sentiment.

"Shut-up." She laughed and turned her head toward the passenger side window, watching the scenery go by in a blur.

The car stayed silent for a few moments as both Brian and Alexa became caught up in their own thoughts. Brian looked over at Alexa, struggling within his mind to find a way to break the silence and calm the nerves that he knew were running through her. "So," he started, "tell me more about your life in the Big Apple."

Alexa turned toward him and smiled. "Like what? I've told you everything that there is to know."

Brian chuckled softly to himself. "Tell me about your last boyfriend."

"Oh, so we're going there this morning, huh?" She leaned up to fiddle with the radio. "You listen to really bad music."

Brian laughed. "I do not and stop changing the subject. Are you going to tell me about him or not?"

Alexa leaned back debating with herself about how personal she really wanted to get with him. Finally, she spoke up. "I'll make a deal with you."

"Oh great, here we go." Brian paused, thinking that maybe he didn't want to know about her past relationships that badly after all. "What's the deal?"

"I'll talk to you about my past as long as you talk to me about yours." She looked at Brian who was now concentrating fully on the road. "We've only talked about the bad things as far as Hayden's concerned. I want to hear the good things."

Brian sat silently contemplating her proposal. His memories with Hayden, up until now, had been solely his to cherish. He held onto those memories selfishly with his whole heart. Once she'd died, he didn't want to talk about the good times for fear that once they were spoken they'd be gone. It was a dumb theory, he knew that, but what he remembered about Hayden was all that he had left. He sighed and looked over at Alexa. It's not that he cared that much to know about her past relationships, but he knew that she was interested in his. She still believed in love. To Alexa, Brian's love for Hayden was exactly what she wanted to have in her own life someday.

"So?" She asked. "Do we have a deal?"

Brian nodded slowly. "Okay. Fine. We have a deal."

"Really?" Alexa asked, astonished that he would actually agree to talk openly about his wife. "Do you care that much about my ex-boyfriends?"

"Honestly? No." Brian replied, smiling. "But I know that you want to know and it couldn't hurt to talk about the good times every once in a while."

"My thoughts exactly. So, do you want me to go first? There really isn't that much to tell." Alexa shrugged, not really wanting to talk about it. Not because it was a bad story or because it had a sad ending, but because it didn't even come close to comparing to what Brian had with Hayden.

"Yeah. Tell me about your most recent boyfriend." Brian replied. He began to tense up, realizing what he'd just gotten himself into. Not only had he agreed to talk about Hayden, but he also had to listen to Alexa talk about some guy that she'd been hung up on at one point in time.

"I've only really had one serious boyfriend. His name was Aaron. I'm a little bit younger than you, so I haven’t gotten a chance to take as many laps around the block, if you know what I mean." Alexa smiled as Brian shook his head. "Not to mention. I've never been a pop-star."

"And the digs begin. That's okay. I can take it. Go on."

"We met at this bakery in Manhattan called Bernard’s. My dad used to take my sister and me there when we were little. Since then, Bernie and his family have become like a surrogate family to me. I used to go there as much as possible. Lately it's been a madhouse, so it's been hard to get any love." She pouted playfully at Brian. "Anyway, I was in my early 20s at the time-" She stopped when Brian scoffed. "What?"

"What? What do you mean what?" Brian laughed. "You're still in your early 20s. You're only 24."

Alexa rolled her eyes. "Whatever, you knew what I meant. I was like 22 or something. Better?"

Brian nodded his head.

"You're so darn picky."

"You’re still trying to change the subject."

Alexa looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "Me? You're the one who-"

"Alexa." Brian laughed at how uncomfortable she seemed.

"Fine.” Alexa paused to compose herself. She began again a moment later. “Anyway, we met at Bernard's Bakery. I was sitting at my usual table, eating lunch. Aaron walked over and asked if he could sit down; I told him yes. We dated for about a year and a half, then he decided that he liked boys. The end."

"What?" Brian exclaimed, turning his head in her direction quickly, causing the car to swerve.

"Brian! Watch where you're going." Alexa laughed.

"Sorry. What do you mean he decided that he likes boys?" Brian smirked. "Was that just his excuse to break up with you or was he really was gay?"

"Oh, no. He's totally gay. I don't know why I didn't see it before. It's kind of gross, but he cheated on me with so many men that it was ridiculous." She shook her head slowly. "In fact, he came out to me one tear-filled night and told me that he loved me and he knew that he could be IN love with me. We had talked about getting married and he said that he really believed that we would someday. He expected all of these feelings to just go away, but by the time he came out, he knew that he was in too deep. It was crazy and heartbreaking, but mostly just crazy."

Brian rubbed his lips together desperately trying not to laugh. Alexa looked at him and shook her head again. "See, this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you!"

"I'm sorry." He scoffed as she crossed her arms. "Really, I'm sorry, but it is kind of funny. It's sad though that you're first love turned out to be gay."

"That's my life." She laughed. "I couldn't really expect anything else. Nothing ever turns out the way that I plan."

"It's still kind of heartbreaking, though. If the only real boyfriend that you ever had was gay, then you've never really experienced love?" Brian looked over at the woman that he cared about so much. Her father killed himself; her mother didn't want her; and her first love turned out to be gay. Maybe his life wasn't as bad as he thought it was.

"I wouldn't say that. I've loved." She shrugged. "I guess I've just never been loved in return."

"Well, if you would have had a penis, maybe then?"

She shot a dirty look in his direction and he continued to laugh.

"Hardee, harr, harr. Laugh it up, Big Boy, because now it's your turn." Alexa couldn't believe that she'd told him that story. She had never even told Brooke or Jenny that Aaron had been gay. She just told them that she'd been dumped.

"What do you want to know?" Brian asked, the smile slowly evaporating from his handsome face.

"How did you meet?" Alexa prodded him along. It was easy for her to start her own story, but she knew that Brian was going to need some coaxing.

"Well, we were shooting a music video, actually. She was one of the models. AJ and I actually both saw her at the same time and throughout the week, we fought for her attention. Eventually, he could see that I was really into her and that she was kind of digging me too, so he backed down." Brian licked his lips slowly and sighed at the memory. "We were on tour at the time, so our relationship started over the phone. We got to know each other on an emotional level first."

Alexa nodded. "So, what happened next?"

"Um," Brian puckered his lips tensely. Though Brian and Hayden had met in Los Angeles, Hayden lived in Georgia while Brian resided in Orlando, Florida. Distance had always been a problem; however, through a lot of extra effort and communication, they pushed through and made it work. “Well, the tour ended, but Hayden and I lived in different states. So, I was back and forth between Atlanta and Florida for a while. I only had a short window before I was scheduled to be back in L.A. to record additional tracks for Millennium, so I tried to spend as much time with Hayden as possible. Well, it wasn’t long before we were inseparable. We talked on the phone for about a month and we did the long distance thing for another couple of months and then, she flew to Los Angeles with me when I went for work. The rest is history.”

“You must have really felt something immediately to try so hard to make it work with so much standing in your way.” Alexa looked over at Brian. There was an actual peacefulness about him as he thought back to how much love he and Hayden had for each other from the very beginning.

“That’s pretty much an understatement,” Brian replied smiling lightly. “I never believed in love at first sight until Hayden. It’s something that comes around once in your lifetime. I guess that people just aren’t supposed to be content and happy with their lives. The moment that I finally got everything that I’d ever wanted, it was gone.” Brian sighed and shook his head.

Alexa could see him getting tense again, except this time, he seemed more angry than sad. “You’re a man of God aren’t you, Brian? Or at least you used to be?”

“I want to believe in God. I want to believe that Hayden and my little girl are together in a world that’s better than this. It’s hard to believe that God would take it all away, that he’d want so many of his children to be so miserable.” Brian shrugged. “I don’t know what I believe.”

“Brian, this is going to sound really cheesy, but just please hear me out. Hayden’s book was written. It was over. God gave her to you to make her the happiest that she could possibly be before the final chapter. You made her life better.” Alexa sighed. “She was completely happy in the last moments of her life and that was because of you.”

Brian turned Alexa’s statement around in his head. “You’re right.” He said finally. “That was pretty cheesy.”

Alexa simply smiled and shook her head. At least talking about it hadn’t thrown him into a tailspin of depression, she thought. That would make for a fun ride.

The fact of the matter was that Brian had argued the same point to himself at times. Eventually, he always thought back to the famous quote, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” He didn’t know if that was true. Does the loss outweigh the good, or make the good times not as good? No. But when suffering from a broken heart, even the good times bring pain, because those moments are gone. All that’s left after loss is emptiness. Would not ever having met Brian mean that Hayden would still be alive today? Would that mean that she wouldn’t have ever gotten onto that plane or any other that crashed on September, 11? That was something that Brian agonized over daily. The truth was, he would probably agonize over it for the rest of his life. Those questions were what kept Brian in so much pain every day of his life. There were just too many questions that would remain unanswered.