The next morning, Brooke and Lance arrived back to the hospital before 9 a.m. Brian took that moment to reluctantly excuse himself from Alexa's room. Though he didn't want to leave her side, he knew that he the family needed their time alone together as well. Alexa hadn't yet awoken after her surgery, but Brian hoped that if she did happen to wake up while he was gone, that either Brooke or Lance would call to let him know.
Brian decided to go down to the cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee. He definitely needed a pick-me-up after the string of days that he had been having. Not to mention that he was up every hour checking to make sure that Alexa was still breathing, which usually occurred after a nightmare of epic proportions. The nightmares tended to start out peacefully enough. He and Alexa were back at home in Georgia. He had his arms wrapped around her tightly and they would fall asleep after whispering, “I love you.” The next morning, he would wake up and she would be gone. The sheets would be blood stained. He would run around the house and on every television screen was Ben's face. He was speaking maniacally and he'd shoot her, but there was nothing that Brian could do. He was trapped in he house from every door and window except for one. There as a window in the attic that was opened. Brian would climb to the attic and look down. He had to decide. If he jumped, he risked harming himself. However, if he was successful, he saved both of them.
In the dream, Brian never jumped and Alexa always died. Before her final breath, she say, “It's okay. I'll love you forever.” Then, all of the muscles in her body would relax and her head would fall to the side. Her eyes remained opened and though she was dead, there was a disappointment that lurked inside of her gaze. It was terrifying.
After getting his coffee, Brian sat down on the outside patio where many doctors and patients were eating quietly. He set his coffee cup on the glass-topped table and ran his forefinger around the rim of the Styrofoam cup. The dream had really shaken him up. He knew that it wasn't real, but if he was such a pansy in his dream, if he couldn't jump, even in his imagination, the how could he be expected to take that leap in reality.
Brian rested his elbows on the table and put his head in his hands. It was just like Brian to sike himself out and to put terrifying images in his own mind. What did his dream mean? Did it mean that even if he jumped that he'd never be able to save Alexa? How would be know; he never did.
Brian gazed up at the hospital behind him. Alexa was in one of those rooms, sleeping peacefully. When he watched her on the screen, suffering and in pain, he wanted nothing more than to be with her. Now, he couldn't help but to get the impression that being with Alexa was going to hurt her more than it was going to help. Maybe he had fooled himself into thinking that they were right together? Maybe he wanted to make sure that she was alive for his own selfish needs? She deserved more than he would ever be able to give her, right? He had never fully given her his full heart and she deserved a heart and a half. Maybe he should just leave, as if he was never here.
Brian shook his head at the thought. No. He had to stay. He had to see her. He had to talk to her. He had to know that she was all right.
Brian gulped down the last sip of his coffee and stood from the small table at which he was sitting. He tossed the cup into the garbage can and stuffed his hands into his pockets. Brian kept his head low as he made his way through the hospital. News crews had mostly been kept outside, but the occasional reporter had still been allowed to creep in. No one had yet figured out his role in Alexa Owens' life, though it should have been obvious.
When Brian arrived back to Alexa's room close to an hour after leaving that morning, he was shocked to hear animated voices coming from inside. Brooke was lying over Alexa's bed, hugging her tightly. Lance had Alexa's hand in his own and kissed her forehead softly. She was awake.
Alexa looked past Brooke and noticed Brian walk into the room. Immediately, tears sprang into her eyes. “You're here.” She whispered weakly.
Brooke jumped back from Alexa and wiped the tears that were dripped from her eyes. “Oh, Brian. We're sorry we didn't call. The doctor's came and checked her out and they just left a few minutes ago.”
Brian nodded slowly. He didn't hear what Brooke was saying. He was so happy to see Alexa awake and smiling. He walked over to her slowly and kissed the top of her head and then her lips. “Welcome back, Beautiful.” Brian whispered softly. He, too, began to cry, but immediately wiped the fresh tears that were dripping from his eyes.
Alexa looked at Brian as if she hadn't seen him in years. Really, she didn't know if she would ever see him again. Looking at him now was like looking at an angel. “They said that you'd been here. That you stayed all night.”
Brian smiled and nodded. “I was and I did, but we don't need to talk about that right now, okay? You've been through a lot and I'm glad that you're awake, but you need to take it easy.”
Lance nodded. “Brian's right, Aly. One thing at a time okay? The doctor's are going to come back in to take you for some tests in a minute.”
Alexa nodded and turned her head to glance out the window of her hospital room. “Was it terrible?” She whispered softly to no one in particular.
“Was what terrible, Sweetie?” Brooke asked while gently rubbing the back of Alexa's hand with her palm.
“Was it terrible to watch everything? It was on the Internet, wasn't it? That's how you found me?” Alexa looked between Lance, Brooke and Brian. Her gaze stopped on Brian. She pulled her hand away from Brooke and wiped the tears that were falling down her face. “I was thinking about you the entire time. Before Ben told the world that it was Colin that he killed, I swore it was you. I thought that he killed you.”
Brian shook his head and wiped the tears from Alexa's face, gently. “I'm going to be honest with you. It was completely terrifying to watch. It was heart-wrenching watching you bleed to death and not being able to do anything about it, but you're safe and Ben's dead. We're all safe.”
Alexa nodded. “He killed himself.” She whispered softly with a far away look in his eyes. “Just like Daddy did. He shot himself.”
Brooke bit her trembling lip. During the entire two days, never had she imagined that Alexa was making that connection. Though Ben was nothing like her father, Alexa still had to have seen their father's face when Ben pulled the trigger.
Before anyone had a chance to respond, a nurse came in to take Alexa for additional testing. Brian watched helplessly as they wheeled her away. She was so broken. She had been so happy to see him, but her mood had changed so quickly. It was terrifying. He couldn't do anything for her. No matter if he took the leap. He was barely emotionally capable enough to handle himself.
-------
Hours later, Brooke and Lance had opted to leave Brian and Alexa alone for a while. Baltimore was only an hour away, so they decided to rent a car and drive home to relieve the babysitter. They were due back at any minute.
Alexa had fallen asleep shortly after returning from her tests. The doctor said that she looked like she was going to make a full recovery though it was going to take a while. When Alexa awoke, Brooke and Lance were already gone. Brian had tried to strike up a casual conversation, but Alexa hadn't really been in the mood to talk. Throughout the day, Brian was becoming more and more frightened by where Alexa's head was. He didn't think that she'd wake up and be all rainbows and butterflies, but somehow, he didn't expect this either.
Alexa looked over at him and sighed. “I'm sorry that I haven't really been up to talking. I know that we both have a lot to say and I just... it's been a rough couple of days.”
Brian sighed and nodded slowly. He tried his best to smile. “I completely understand. You've been though a lot.”
“I missed you a lot.” Alexa said softly as she reached out for Brian's hand that was lying on the side of her bed.
Brian nodded and sighed. “Aly, I...”
Alexa shook her head and closed her eyes. She knew what was coming. He was going to leave again. She knew that he probably let himself feel responsible and now that he knew that she was okay, he was going to be out the door. “Don't do this Brian. Not now, please.”
“What do you mean?” Brian asked. His eyes were narrowed sympathetically.
“One way or another, you're either going to break my heart or you're going to make everything right again.” Alexa responded softly. “If it's the former, I don't want to know. I just... I want to pretend like everything is okay, when really, everything is so fucked up.”
Brian closed his eyes and sighed. He knew what he had to do, but saying the words was going to be so hard. His head was forcing him one way, but his heart was telling him, 'No.'
Brian licked his lips softly. “Alexa, I am more than thankful that you survived what Ben did to you. Despite everything that I've been though, my heart surgery, losing my wife, watching you die was the most dreadful thing of all, but I can't pretend like I'm going to be everything that you need me to be.”
Alexa pulled her hand away and looked away from Brian. “I asked you not to do this right now. I knew it was coming, but I can't handle it. Why can't you just stay quiet for a little while?”
“Aly, listen to me.” Brian said softly. He reached over to turn Alexa's face toward him gently. “To be able to be good for you, I have to be good for myself. I'm not complete without you—but I need to be. Right now, you don't need someone without a string of their own problems to add to yours, you have to understand that.”
Alexa shook her head. “I don't. It sounds like a total cop-out to me. You can't tell me that you love me and then walk away when I need you the most. It doesn't work that way.”
“I do love you, Alexa.” Brian replied. Tears were starting to fall from his eyes. “I love you more than you'll ever know.”
“Then why do you choose to make us both miserable? Because I did something messed up? Well guess what Brian, I almost got killed over it. I don't need to be punished twice.” Alexa said as she jerked her head away from Brian touch.
“It's not about that, Alexa. Not anymore.” Brian closed his eyes and shook his head. “I'm doing this for you. You don't understand that now, but you will.”
Alexa swallowed hard and turned to look back out the window. “Just go, Brian. Just leave. This isn't fair to me to sit here and watch you and want to be with you, while you just have so many excuses. This world doesn't completely revolve around you.” Alexa shrugged and sighed softly. “Even as I'm saying it, maybe the truth is, I need to realize that, too.”
Brian nodded. “Someday things will be better for us, Alexa. Just not now.”
Alexa let out a sarcastic, breathy laugh and shook her head. “No. You've just proved so much to me right now. Things will never be okay for us. If you can watch me die and still walk away from me the next day, it says so much about how little that I mean to you. Please, just go.”
Brian licked his lips slowly and then bit his bottom lip. There was so much that he still wanted to say. He wanted to reach out and hold her and be there for her, but he knew that he couldn't be what she needed. Brian back out of the room slowly and let his tears roll freely down his cheeks. “Goodbye, Alexa.” He whispered softly before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.
Once outside in the hallway, Brian leaned against the door. He doubled over in pain and let himself freely sob. This time, he had no one to blame for his misery but himself. The words that he spoke to her were true, she needed so much more than he could give to her. It wouldn't be fair for him to try. When he noticed Lance, Brooke and their young son walking toward him looking concerned, Brian wiped his eyes quickly and walked the opposite way down the hallway.
-------
Alexa got out of the hospital close to two weeks later later. Now months after her attack, she still felt bitter and cold. The world that she used to look at with so much admiration and grace, she now looked at as being unfair and repulsive.
Brian and the other Backstreet Boys were everywhere these days. It was as if she couldn't escape him. He was on tour and would be stopping in Maryland at the end of next week. Alexa vowed to be as far away from that venue as humanly possibly.
Since her doctors had suggested extensive therapy following her attack, Brooke insisted upon it. Week after week, she sat in Doctor Newberry's office silently. She didn't have anything to say. The root of her problems was obvious... men. Deranged men and weak men.
“Alexa,” Doctor Newberry began toward the middle of she and Alexa's sixth session. “You've been coming into my office religiously, once a week for the last six weeks, but we've effectively gotten no where. You've haven't told me a single thing. I can't help you if you don't talk to me.”
Alexa shrugged. “Maybe I don't need any help.”
“You wouldn't keep coming in here if you believed that.” The doctor replied as she pushed her stylish eye glasses up the base of her nose. “Why don't we talk about your life in general?”
Alexa laughed softly. “Now Doctor, where exactly would you like me to begin? Would you like me to start with the mother that I never knew and don't care to know? Or with how my dad blew his brains out because he couldn't take care of my sister and I anymore? How about the famous ex-boyfriend who seems to be everywhere right now? Of course there's also the matter of the former, now dead, boss that tried to murder me. How about you pick?”
“How about we start with the famous ex-boyfriend? It was your relationship with him that seemed to get you into the situation with Ben Silverman.” The doctor replied, happy to finally have Alexa talking.
Alexa shook her head. “He didn't have anything to do with where I ended up with, Ben. If you want to get technical with it, my dad dying is actually what sent me knocking on Ben's door.”
“But you were in the position that you were with Ben because of your relationship with Brian were you not?” The doctor prodded.
Alexa sighed. “Yes and no. Yes, because Ben is the one that sent me to Brian in some ill-fated scheme, which I guess worked in the long-run. But no, because who knows what would have happened in the future. Ben was bound to snap anyway, wasn't he?”
Doctor Newberry shrugged. “Not necessarily.”
Alexa shook her head. “No, as much as I would like to, I'm not going to blame what happened to me on Brian.”
“As much as you would like to?” The doctor started, “what does that mean?”
Alexa shook her head and looked away. “It doesn't mean anything.”
The doctor nodded. “You're still in love with him?”
Alexa crossed her arms and shrugged. Her lip unwillingly began to tremble. “I'm an idiot.”
“No, you're not.” Doctor Newberry replied, gently. “At the risk of sounding cliché, your heart wants what it wants. If you really wanted to stop wanting him, you would.”
Alexa sighed. “Maybe I don't.”
“Is that really a healthy notion?”
Alexa shrugged again. “You're the doctor, you tell me.”
“I wasn't in the relationship.”
“What if I say that being with Brian was the best that I ever felt?” Alexa started. She wiped the tears away from her face. “And that being away from him is the worst, even in the face of death?”
The doctor nodded slowly and tapped her pen against her notepad. “So, I hear his group is coming through Baltimore soon.”
“And I won't be anywhere near there.” Alexa replied with a sigh. “If he wants me, he knows where to find me.”
-------
It was late at night in New York City. The Backstreet Boys had just finished their fifth tour stop at Radio City Music Hall for their new album titled 'Never Gone'. The name if the album was so appropriate for so many different reasons.
Brian was currently sitting backstage by himself. The other Boys had long since gone back to the hotel. Brian enjoyed this time at night. Even though stage hands were bustling around him, tearing down the set and packing away equipment, it was still peaceful. He had time to think.
Mostly, he thought about what he always seemed to think about these days. He was littered with regret for not being able to stand up and be the man that Alexa needed. Though, partly, he had been right. In the months that passed since he had last seen Alexa, he had let go of so much. He had stopped sleeping around. He had stopped feeling sorry for himself. Seeing Alexa go through everything that she went though was the push that he really needed to realize that he had it good regardless of the heartbreaks and the hurt that he had endured.
Brian sighed. He picked up his guitar that was lying next to him and strummed along quietly with a song that was playing in his head. Suddenly he began to sing softly, “A thousand times I've see you standing/ gravity like lunar landing/ you make me want to run til I find you/I shut the world away from here, drift to you you're all I hear/as everything we know fades to black/half the time the world is ending/truth is I am done pretending/I never thought that I had anymore to give/you're pushing me so far, here I am without you/dream* of all that we have lost/mistakes we have made/everything will change, but love remains the same.”
Brian looked up as he heard someone clear their throat. In front of him, AJ stood in the doorway. “Singing about Hayden, huh?” AJ asked with a smirk.
Brian shrugged and sighed, then set the guitar down beside him. “Yeah, we'll go with that.”
“It's an awesome song.” AJ replied, walking slowly into the room with his arms crossed in front of him.
“Thanks,” Brian mumbled. “I thought that you'd all left.”
“Nah,” AJ replied. “Sometimes, I hang around late, too. B, why don't you just go to her?”
“Well, J,” Brian started sarcastically, “mostly because she's dead.”
AJ sighed and gave Brian a small smirk. “You know who I meant.”
Brian shrugged. “I don't know, Man. I said a lot of stupid things. It's been a really long time. I don't want to be the reason that she's thrown back into all of the bad things that happened to her.”
AJ nodded slowly. He didn't want to push the issue, but he knew that Brian missed Alexa more than he would admit. “How do you know that you're not the thing that's hurting her the most right now?”
“I don't, I guess.” Brian replied after a slight pause. He had always assumed that Alexa easily let him go after he had so harshly told her that he wasn't going to be around when she needed him.
“I don't know much,” AJ replied, “but I do know that you and Alexa Owens are made for each other. She's been through a lot this year and I get that you wanted to be yourself again before you could completely give of yourself, but you're good now. Maybe it's time to let her off the hook. You know that even if you told her that you've let go of all that Ben stuff—especially since he tried to kill her—she still believes that that's the reason that you had to walk away.”
Brian nodded. “I know and it kind of kills me. I let go of Ben Silverman a long time ago, but I assume that she has to living with seeing him every day.”
AJ shrugged. “So, what are you going to do?”
------
Later that same night, Brian went back to the hotel and tossed and turned. His conversation with AJ rolled around in his head. Alexa had told him that if he walked away, she was done, but had she really meant it? Brian didn't know and he assumed that he never would.
He missed the relationship that they had every single day. It was different than the things that he missed when they had first broken up. When they first broke up, Brian missed having someone there to lean on. He missed waking up to a beautiful face in the morning. He missed the companionship. Now, though he still missed those things too, the things that he missed the most were purely Alexa. He missed her smile. He missed her laugh. He missed her gentle nature, her kind words. He missed how compassionate and understanding that she also was. He missed her friendship.
Brian sighed and selfishly picked up the phone. He dialed a familiar number, secretly hoping that he was sent to voice mail. He really just wanted to hear her voice.
“Hello?” Alexa answered the phone groggily. It was obvious that she hadn't looked at the caller ID.
Brian remained silent on the other end. He hadn't really thought this through. He had no idea what he was going to say to her if she happened to pick up. Why did she pick up? Did she know how late it was? “H-hi.” Brian replied, softly. “It's me. It's Brian.”
Alexa remained silent on the other end. Brian had to look at the phone to make sure that they were still connected. Finally, she sighed. “What do you want?”
Brian closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “I don't know, honestly. I wanted to hear your voice.”
Alexa laughed harshly. Her breathing then became uneven. “That's not fair, Brian. It's not fair for you to call me and say that you wanted to hear my voice so that you can get your jollies, meanwhile tearing my heart out.”
“I never meant to hurt you, Aly.” Brian replied softly. This had been such a bad idea. She was right, it hadn't been fair. “I miss you so much. I do.”
“Stop.” Alexa replied harshly. “Stop saying that. Unless you're outside the door on your knees begging for my forgiveness right at this very moment, just stop. I can't do this up and down with you. I miss you, too, every single day. It's not fair. Are you outside?”
Brian swallowed back the lump in his throat. “No. I'm not. I'm going to be in Baltimore in a couple days-”
“You don't get it, do you?” Alexa replied, sniffling. “I can't be your friend. I'm not going to sit here and tell you how I feel about you so that you can get some kind of sick satisfaction from it. You know how I feel and when you're in Baltimore, if you want me, you know how to find me.”
With that, the line disconnected. Brian felt like a complete ass. He never thought that she might still have such strong feelings toward him. After the coward the he had been, he had assumed that he hated him. Part him thought that she was right, he really just wanted some kind of sick affirmation as to where she stood as far as he concerned.
Brian had to stop. He had to leave her alone. He had to let her live her life. He had to let her go.
------
A few days later, Alexa was sitting at home flipping through the channels. She was presently alone in the large house, which was a welcome treat. Even though Brooke had given birth only a few weeks before, she still thought that she needed to watch Alexa's every move. She was more worried about Alexa disappearing than she was her own children.
With every flick of the remote button, she became more and more sickened. Every local channel was talking about the Backstreet Boys being back and taking over Baltimore. “Gag me,” Alexa said to herself as she shut the television off and threw the remote down next to her on the couch.
Alexa sighed to herself and looked back at the blank television. She had been in this routine all day. She'd turn the television on, watch Brian and the others for as long as she could handle and then turn it back off and stare at the black screen. She thought that she saw sadness in Brian's eyes and in his forced chuckles, but then she would laugh at herself and roll her eyes.
If she was honest with herself she'd realize that she wanted to see sadness there. She half expected Brian to show up at the door. All day, she waited for the knock and then hated herself for wanted to hear it so badly. He had made his choice and she had told him to stay away. So, that was it. It was over.
AJ had actually sent her a ticket to that night's show. Alexa assumed that it was some kind of lame attempt to get she and Brian in the same room together. Brian probably didn't even know that AJ had sent the tickets.
Alexa flipped the television back on. They Boys were giving an interview to a local news channel. Of course, the questions turned to a local story. “Brian, you know our own Alexa Owens. Do you want to comment on how she's doing?”
Brian smiled and looked down. He paused before looking back up and answering the reporter's question. “Well, I hear that she's doing well. I don't really know because I haven't seen her in a while."
"You were a big part of that story, but still, no one really knows why." The reporter continued psuhing.
Brian licked his lips slowly and inhaled deeply before answering. "All that I'll say is that Alexa is a very special person to me. She'll always have a piece of my heart and I'm glad that she's alive and doing well. We actually need to get outta here before we have a fan situation.” Brian chuckled and the others agreed. With that, they were gone as quickly as they had appeared.
Alexa watched as they all walked away. Apparently, the topic of Alexa was as sore for Brian as the topic of Brian was for Alexa.
Alexa sighed and glanced down at the concert ticket that Brooke had so obviously left out on the coffee table knowing that they would be directly in her Alexa's line of view.
Alexa groaned and ran her hands through her hair. She got up off of the couch and started toward the kitchen, but stopped about halfway there. She walked back to the living room and stood in front of the coffee table with her hands on her hips. She shook her head and turned back around. This time she only took two steps away before turning back around and snatching the tickets up off of the coffee table in front of her. Who was she kidding? She was always going to go to that show. Even if she didn't get to speak to Brian, at least she would be there, closer to him than she'd been in months.
-------
During the entire show, Brian scanned the crowd cautiously for Alexa. He had sent her a ticket to that night's show, though he had used AJ's name. He wasn't sure if anyone would allow her to receive mail from him. Though he didn't know Brooke very well, he knew that she was protective over her sister.
Brian sighed as the opened chords of 'I Still' began to play. His mind had been on Alexa all night. It was unnerving. This was the first time he had been back to the area since she had gotten kidnapped. Maryland was full of nothing but bad memories for Brian.
Brian licked his lips and began to sing the opening lines of the song. As he sang, so many memories came floating back. Little did he know, Alexa was walking into the venue right at that moment.
“Where are you now? Are you still the same or did you change somehow?”
She was a young woman, early to mid- 20s, with intense blue eyes and soft features. For the first time since his wife had passed away, Brian was enamored by the beauty of another woman.
“Are you okay?” She asked softly, her brow furrowed in concern for Brian.
“Yeah,” Brian huffed, finally catching his breath. “I’m fine, thank you.”
He turned quickly to leave, but she called out to him. “I’m Alexa!” Brian turned back around, this time standing feet away from her instead of inches. “I just moved in down the street.” Alexa pointed at the house across the street from Brian’s.
Without realizing it, he had made his way back around the block and was practically standing in front of his own home. “You’re moving in a little early in the morning, aren’t you?”
Alexa shrugged. “Eh, I guess so. I thought that I’d get here early enough so that I could avoid all that neighborly nonsense. You know, introductions, strange people walking up to you in the street, stuff like that.” She smirked casually.
He chuckled softly at the irony and then started to walk backwards toward his house. “Yeah, definitely.” Brian nodded a goodbye and turned back around. “It was nice to meet you, Alexa.”
Brian was thrown back to reality quickly. Before he realized what was happened, tears were rolling down his cheeks. “What do you do/At this very moment/When I think of you/And when I'm looking back/How we were young and stupid/Do you remember that?”
“I’m going to my first Backstreet Boys concert, Brian.” Alexa argued. “I have to be able to sing along.”
Brian laughed and shook his head. “Well, Sweetheart, I can PROMISE you that this song will NOT be sung tonight.”
Alexa tilted her head and sighed. “So, you never break out the oldies, huh?”
“I have nothing to do with it anymore, remember?” Brian laughed and walked over to the stereo, mindlessly flipping through the stack of CDs that were placed next to it. “But even if I did, ‘Get Down’ is not one of the songs that I would choose to sing. Where did you even find these?”
Alexa shrugged. “They were stashed away in the closest in a box marked ‘as close to death as a person can come.’ Were you having a dark day that day?”
Brian chucked. “There was no box that said that.”
Alexa grinned. “I guess it’s just your word against mine. You know, there are a couple of songs on here that I really love. You want to hear them?”
Brian rolled his eyes and smiled. “Here we go. Yeah, let’s hear them.”
She scanned back a few tracks on the album and Brian immediately noticed the intense boom of the bass as the song started.
Alexa began to sing along as A.J.’s young voice filled the air. “You’ve got something/so incredible in my eyes/my heart starts pumping/whenever you’re around/my whole worlds upside down baby.”
She danced around aimlessly as Brian’s part in the song began to play. Brian leaned against his mahogany dresser and shoved his hands in his pockets. Watching her tease him was rather amusing.
“I always gotta make a play/ohh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh/ohh-oh-oh-oh-oh/Boys will be boys.” Alexa continued to sing, then stopped and looked over at Brian with a smirk. “You were a bunch of dirty boys, weren’t you? So, tell me, were you advocating date rape in this song or what?”
Brian shook his head and continued grinning. “You got me. Are you quite finished yet?”
“Oh, Baby.” Alexa replied with a smile. “I’ve just begun.”
Nick glanced over at Brian curiously as he sang his line. It was obvious that his mind was somewhere else. He was having a breakdown in front of thousands of people.“No matter how I fight it, can't deny it/Just can't let you go.”
Like a cannon, Brian shot down the stairs and out the door. “Wait!” He called as he ran across the street where Alexa was just climbing into her car. “Don’t go.”
Alexa sighed and closed her eyes refusing to turn around. “What are you doing here?”
Brian grabbed Alexa by the waist, forcing her to look at him. “I said, 'don’t go."”
Brian’s touch sent chills down Alexa’s spine and the pain in his eyes sent an aching to her heart. She shook her head. “You’re too late. I have to go.”
“Alexa, I know I’m a mess.” Brian began as he held onto her waist. “I’m an emotional wreck. I’m moody. You can’t trust my judgment as far as you can throw me, but there’s one thing, if it’s the only thing that I know right now and that is that I can’t let you go. Not yet. Not now.”
The group came together to sing the chorus in unison. From the audience, Alexa watched intensely. Tears were running down Brian's face. The crowd was murmuring amongst themselves. They had never seen Brian so emotional before.
“I still need you. I still care about you. Though everything's been said and done.”
Alexa took a step closer and took his hand gently. “It's all real, Brian. Everything that I told you about my life is true. I just left out my former place of employment. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. I already told you-- the entire time that we were together, I didn't work for Ben. I promise you. They were not paying me to be with you.”
“We started sleeping together before we officially got together, Alexa. Was he paying you then?” Brian held his breath as he waited for her answer. This was it. This was the question that was going to make or break their future.
Alexa's lips started to tremble. Could she lie to him again and just tell him no? Would he believe her or would that only make the situation worse? What did he already know? Alexa decided to be truthful. She bowed her head and closed her eyes. “Yes.” She whispered softly.
Brian pulled his hand away from hers. He felt used. He felt dirty. He felt sick. “In my book Alexa,” Brian replied in a cold, even tone, “that makes you no better than the average street whore.”
“I still feel you like I'm right beside you. There's still no word from you.”
Brian opened his eyes as AJ began to sing. He quickly wiped the tears that were running down his face, though it was no use, more tears just insisted on taking their place. Down below, the crowd was screaming out for him, somehow knowing that it was Alexa that he was crying over. He kept hearing shouts of, “She's here!” and “Don't cry, just open your eyes.”
Of all people, the fans had found Alexa. She was in the crowd, the in middle of the entire frenzy. Some of the crazier fans were jumping all over her, trying to send her closer to the stage toward Brian. Brian stood stunned for longer than he should have. His and Alexa's eyes met for an instant. He ran off the side of the stage and instructed his bodyguard to take Alexa into his dressing him and keep her there no matter what he had to do. Brian wasn't going to lose her again. He was tired of running from the truth.
-----
The rest of the concert seemed to go by amazingly slow for Alexa. Though she could see the performance from the monitor in Brian's dressing room, she still felt like it was never going to end. At one point, she had tried to just leave, but Randy, Brian's bodyguard, had insisted that she stay. Whatever happened next couldn't be good. So far she'd been attacked by rabid Backstreet Boys fans and kidnapped for the second time that year.
Alexa watched nervously as the show ended and Brian rushed off of the stage. Within seconds, he burst through the dressing room door and then just stood there. He looked at Alexa as if she were a ghost. Alexa stood from where she was seated on the leather couch against the back wall. This time, she wasn't going to give him the opportunity to hurt her.
“Who do you think that you are?” She started harshly. “Don't you think that I've been through enough this year? But no, you decide to have your bodyguard trap me in a little room with no windows. Do you ever think?”
Brian just stood back smiling softly. He extended his hand to Alexa, taking a cue from the letter that she had written to him months ago. “Hi, I'm Brian.”
Alexa looked at his hand confused. “I know who you are. What are you talking about? And what's all this crap about still not hearing anything from me? You've known where to find me. I don't get you!”
Brian laughed to himself. He should have been more nervous, but somehow, he knew that Alexa put her guard up because she was afraid that he was going to hurt her again. “Your letter. You said that you wanted to get to know each other again. Well, here I am. I'm Brian.”
Alexa shook her head and replied softly, “I wrote that letter to you months ago. You just now got around to reading it?”
“No,” Brian replied. “I read it right before I showed up at Brooke and Lance's house, which was obviously weeks later. Here's the thing, Aly. I'm crazy about you. I can't stop thinking about you and I was an idiot for letting you go. You've been through a lot, too much, and I thought that having to deal with me was only going to make that harder for you. I want you more than you'll ever know. I can't leave here without you.”
Alexa clenched her jaw. She had finally heard the words that she had been longing to hear for so long. How did she know that she could believe him this time? “You might not have any choice but to do so, Brian.”
Brian took a step closer and took her hands into his gently. Much to his pleasure, she didn't immediately pull her hands away. “Alexa, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me and tell me that you don't want to be with me, then that's it. I'm out the door and you never have to see me again; however, something is telling me that you won't be able to.”
Alexa stared into Brian's reddened eyes. He was obviously holding back a fresh set of tears. “I really want to say that, Brian. I really want to be able to let you go, but I can't. I love you so much. Even after everything, even after you pulling me in and pushing me away time after time, I still can't imagine living in this world without you, but I need to know that you're serious this time. I need to know that it's real.”
Brian pulled Alexa close and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Baby,” he whispered softly. “I said before that I needed to be whole before I could be with you, but then I realized that I needed to be with you to be whole. There is nothing that you could do to make me walk away from you again. Alexa, I love you more than it is humanly possibly to ever show, but I swear to God that I will try every day of my life to do just that.”
Alexa melted at Brian's every word, part of her hated herself for being so weak, the other part was elated. A shiver went up her spine as she could feel his warm breath on her lips. She shook her head slowly and laughed as she leaned in closer. “I didn't stand a chance.”
Brian laughed and nodded. “That's kind of what I was going for.”
He leaned in and kissed her passionately. After months of pain and heartache, neither Brian nor Alexa imagined that life could be this good, but in an instant, the entire world began to turn from black and white back to color. Finally, both Brian and Alexa were able to see past the illusions of deceit on to the bright future that waited ahead.
