Chapter 8

The night after she and had Brian spent the afternoon at the dog park, Alexa tossed and turned. She couldn’t seem to get her dad off of her mind. At one point, she closed her eyes and ached to be close to him again. She hated the thought that what she felt that night must be how Brian feels every single day. She was able to let go of her father eventually, but Brian continued to hold on to his wife no matter how badly it hurt.

The next morning, Alexa was out of bed early. After her normal routine of replying to e-mail and browsing a few random news and blog sites, she found herself staring at a semi-familiar name on People Search—an Internet tool that allowed users to update their personal information so that long-lost friends and family would be able to find them when searching the vast space on the World Wide Web. It was her mother. Alexa scanned the woman’s personal profile and scoffed. “Who have you lost that you would like to either find or have find you?” Alexa read aloud to herself. “My daughters.”

She shook her head and clicked the red colored box with the X in the middle to close the screen. She had let Brian get in her head, but there was no way that she was ever going to call that woman, that stranger whom she had to call her mother.

Throughout the week, Alexa went back to that page often. It killed her to look at the picture that had since been posted. The resemblance of herself to her mother was unreal. In a moment of weakness, Alexa gave in and clicked the print icon at the top of the screen. The chances of her actually calling her mother were slim to none, however, she couldn’t help wanting to have that option.

Before the document finished printing, Alexa’s phone rang beside her. She looked at the screen and actually cringed when she saw Brooke’s name. The last time that the sisters had spoken had been the day that Ben had offered Alexa her current assignment. She’d been avoiding Brooke’s phone calls ever since. This time, she figured that she should answer or else Brooke may use her husband’s connections to send the National Guard out to find her.

“Brooke! Hey!” Alexa answered cheerfully, hoping that her sister would just be relieved to finally talk to her.

“Don’t you ‘hey’ me, Alexa Elizabeth Owens! I’ve been worried sick about you! It’s been two weeks, where are you?” Brooke immediately scolded.

Alexa smiled. Brooke was getting this mommy thing down pretty well. “I’m sorry that I haven’t called. I’ve just been super busy.”

“Busy doing what?”

“Working. I have a job, you know.” Alexa was hoping that the work excuse would be enough, but she couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Working what? The streets? You haven’t been to your apartment in weeks. Your landlord told me that much. Did Ben actually fire you that day?” Brooke’s tone softened a bit, but was still sharp as nails.

Alexa figured that she should probably come out and tell her the truth. Well, at least the partial truth. She wasn’t going to tell Brooke that she was partly right about her working the streets. “No, she started, “actually he gave me a new assignment. A real one. He sent me to Georgia to do some research.”

“Georgia? What are you researching in Georgia that you can’t find in New York?” Brooke asked, obviously not buying the story.

“Haven’t you heard of the ‘Dirty South’, Brooke? It’s the big thing in music right now.” Alexa gritted her teeth and mentally kicked herself. The Dirty South, Alexa? She thought to herself. Come on!

“Alexa,” Brooke sighed. “What do you know about the ‘Dirty South’? Before your 16th birthday, you’d never been south of Manhattan.”

“I don’t need to know the South. I just need to know music, which I do, and I’m sorry that I worried you. Like I said, I’ve just been busy.” Alexa closed her eyes and clamped her hands together, praying that her sister would buy her excuses and just leave it at that.

“Well, how long is this assignment going to last?” Brooke was finally starting to cave in. That was one thing that Alexa had always loved about her sister, no matter what Alexa did she never managed to stay annoyed or angry for long.

“I’m not really sure. Until Ben says that he wants me to come back, I guess.” Alexa sighed, hating that she had only given Brooke half of the story. Alexa knew that if Brooke knew the details of what she was doing in Georgia, that she’d probably drive down from Washington, D.C. herself, shove Alexa in a car and never let her leave her sister’s sight again.

“Well, where are you staying, in some hotel? Do you know anyone?”

Alexa glanced over at the page that was now sitting freshly printed in her printer’s document tray and shook her head. If only her mother had actually been around, Brooke wouldn’t have to continue playing mommy all the time. “I’m fine. Jenny came down with me and Ben set me up in a really nice house in a suburb outside of Atlanta.”

“Alexa? Are you sure this is an assignment. You’re not sleeping with Ben are you?”

Alexa actually pulled the phone away from her ear and looked at it in shock. “What? No! What would make you say that?”

“I don’t see any other reason as to why you would continue to be at that man’s beck and call and now you’re in Georgia, apparently doing some research on the ‘Dirty South’, living in a nice home. It just seems strange. There has to be something else going on.” Brooke sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m just trying to understand and I’m worried about you.”

“Please just trust me when I tell you this. I’m on assignment in Georgia. I’m not sleeping with Ben. Ew, no way. Okay?” The line was silent for a few seconds. Alexa had to look at the phone to make sure that she and Brooke hadn’t lost their connection. “Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. I trust you. Just be careful, please.” Brooke paused thoughtfully for a moment, then continued. “I don’t trust Ben. I just feel like he’s up to something when it comes to you.”

“I think that you’re overreacting, but I promise that I’ll be safe and I’ll call you more often.”

Brooke laughed. “You’d better. I guess that I’d better let you go. Lance and I have a dinner to go to tonight at the capitol. I just wanted to see if I could reach you before I left”

“Ooh, fancy.” Alexa laughed. On the other end of the line, her sister rolled her eyes playfully. “Okay, have a good time and kiss Wes for me.”

“I will. I love you, Aly.”

“I love you, too, Brooke.” The women hung up shortly thereafter. For the thousandth time since agreeing to go to Georgia, Alexa felt sick with guilt. She hated to lie to her sister. She hated to lie to Brian. She wished that she could just come clean and hope that Brian would still want to be her friend—if that’s even what they were.

Alexa glanced at the date stamp on the bottom right-hand corner of her screen and suddenly realized that it was Friday. She was excited for a second, because she and Brian were supposed to have dinner together. Her excitement quickly faded, however, when she remember that he’d only said that he might come over and bring a pizza. Chances were that she probably wouldn’t be seeing Brian tonight after all.

----------------------------

Long after sunset, Brian was still at home dressed in the same pajama bottoms that he had worn to bed the night before. He was lying on the couch with his legs slung over the back and his face lying flat against the soft, leather cushions. ESPN SportsCenter was blaring loudly on the big screen television in front of him.

Brian had been especially lonely that day. He had considered walking across the street and asking Alexa to hang out, but then decided that the term ‘hang out’ sounded so high school. People their age didn’t ‘hang out.’ Throughout the day, he ran through many frivolous excuses to go across the street and ring the doorbell, but he eventually talked himself out of all of them. That’s why now, at 8 ‘o clock, he was still plastered to his couch watching that week's football game highlights.

He hadn’t forgotten Alexa’s dinner invitation. However, spending time with her when the sun was out seemed like a safer, less threatening idea. He’d quickly talked himself out of dinner at the moment that she had mentioned the idea. Now, as his stomach grumbled loudly, he was kind of starting to regret it. He glanced at the clock that was on the mantle piece above the television and wondered if it was too late to bring that pizza across the street. He shook his head and turned his attention back to SportsCenter. It wasn’t long, however, until his eyes went back to the clock.

By 8:30, he had picked up the phone finally deciding that it was only dinner. He reasoned that they’d had dinner once before and that it was only pizza. There was nothing romantic about pizza.

He quickly placed his order of a large, extra-cheese pizza and two 20-ounce bottles of soda with his favorite local pizzeria, Big Johns Pizza Palace. Big John himself answered the phone and promised to have his pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less. Brian thanked Big John, hung up the phone, and then jogged up the stairs to the second story of his house taking them two at a time. By the time he finished taking a quick shower and changing into jeans and a t-shirt, his doorbell was ringing, signaling the arriving of his dinner.

He paid the delivery boy, thanked him and then headed across the street. By now, it was after 9 ‘o clock. As he waited patiently for Alexa to open the door, he thought about what a stupid idea this was. It’s 9 o’clock, Brian. He thought to himself. She’s probably had dinner already. You should have just stayed home.

Within seconds, Alexa opened the door. She was wearing a loose-fitting pair of sweatpants and a white tank top that bared a barely tanned midriff. Her hair was pulled up into a loose ponytail. She obviously wasn’t expecting company, but Brian thought that she looked beautiful.

“Brian, hey.” Alexa greeted him as she opened the door. By 8:30, she had completely given up on the idea of Brian actually showing, so she had changed into her pajamas and settled in with a movie. “I really didn’t think that you were coming.”

“I saw Jenny leave earlier with one of her many suitors and I figured that you were probably lonely enough for some pizza.” Brian smiled and then looked down, forcing himself to stop staring at her. When he regained his composure, he looked back up. “You haven’t eaten yet, have you?”

“No, actually.” She shook her head realizing how rude she was being. “Come in, I’m sorry. You actually saved me. I was just about to heat up some leftover Chinese food.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad actually. Chinese food is actually better the second day around.” Brian chuckled as Alexa made a face that clearly signaled that she didn’t agree. He looked up at the television and noticed that she was watching Pretty Woman. “Good movie. It’s a classic.”

“You like Pretty Woman?” Alexa asked, sounding astonished.

Brian laughed. “Guys can enjoy a good chick flick every once in a while, too, you know!” He paused and looked down.

“Brian you do realize that you’re in a boyband and you like chick flicks. Are you sure you aren’t gay?” Alexa smiled at him playfully as she led him around the couch and into the living room.

Brian laughed out loud as he set the pizza box down. “No, I’m definitely not gay. Dead wife here, remember?”

Alexa turned shot him a quick glance, shocked that he was actually making a joke about having a dead wife. Brian must have realized what he had said at the same moment. His face fell and he began wringing his hands nervously. Those were the kinds of comments that he said in his head on his good days, never out loud to anyone else. A week ago, he was still breaking into tears and falling into the blackest of holes. Now, he was practically on a date. How did this happen? How had it happened without Brian knowing that it had happened?

Alexa glanced at Brian wanting so badly to keep him from falling into a dark mood. “That still doesn’t prove me wrong.”

Brian shot her a look, not knowing what she was talking about. “What?” He asked simply.

“That you had a wife. Lots of gay people get married to hide their true feelings.” Alexa shot him a playful look.

He smirked and shook his head. “I promise you, I’m not gay.”

Alexa smiled to herself as she took a bite of the cheesy pizza. “I believe you.”

“Good,” he replied. Alexa turned back to her movie. Brian watched as she laughed softly at the scene where Julia Roberts’ character is in the bubble bath singing along to an old Prince classic. He smiled to himself and then turned back to his slice of pizza. As he reached down to grab his soda from the table, he noticed a crumpled picture of an older woman with a phone number listed underneath. Intrigued he asked, “Who’s this?”

Alexa rolled her eyes at the picture that he was studying closely. There was obviously something that he recognized. “That is Caroline Kessler.”

“I can read.” He looked at Alexa and smirked. “Do you know her?”

“Not really, no.” Alexa looked away not wanting to hash it out with him. Throughout the day, she had thrown the phone number away and taken it out of the trash so many times that she had lost count.

Brian nodded knowingly. “Ah. She’s your mother.”

“How did you know?”

“Well, for one, whether this is a compliment or not, you look a lot like her.” He set the picture back down on the table.

“It’s not a compliment.” She took another bite of her pizza and turned her attention back to the television. It’s not that Brian was bothering her. It’s just that she had never spoken to anyone about her mother this much, not even Brooke. If it somehow helped Brian to focus on other people’s problems, however, then she was willing to keep talking about her mother until she was blue in the face.

“I don’t mean to keep harping on about it, but you have her number, you should call her. It says that she’s looking for you.”

Alexa shook her head. “I’m not hard to find. If she really wanted to, she could find me. Hell, my sister’s husband is a politician. If she wanted to find either of us, she could.” She paused for a moment with a thought. “I’ll make a deal with you.”

“I already don’t like where this is going.”

She turned so that she was facing him on the couch. Her leg was suddenly pressed against his rock hard thigh. The warmth of his body touching hers in even the smallest way sent a chill racing through her body. She took a moment to compose herself. “I’ll make an effort to talk to my mom the day that you become a Backstreet Boy again.”

Brian pursed his lips and cocked and eyebrow. He then smirked and turned toward the television though he wasn’t paying any attention to the movie. Like Alexa, he was wrapped up in the closeness of their bodies. Just their legs were touching, but it had been five years since he’d had even that. “It looks like your mom is going to waiting a long time.”

Alexa laughed and moved further down the couch. “Whether you’ll admit it or not, I think that you miss it.”

“I don’t.” He shook his head. “I may miss singing sometimes, but I don’t miss what being a Backstreet Boy represented. There’s a painful past that comes along with it and I just don’t want to be reminded of my last performance, of the reason that my wife wanted to get on that plane that day, or being forced to perform only a few weeks after having a major heart surgery. It’s just a lot.”

“It doesn’t have to still be a lot. Only you can decide which memories you take away from being a Backstreet Boy.”

Brian shrugged. “Maybe it just boils down to not being ready.”

Alexa nodded slowly. “Ditto.” Across the couch they locked eyes. Alexa could feel herself being drawn to him. She looked at his pink, slightly freckled lips and couldn’t help wanting to kiss them. She closed her eyes tightly and sighed deeply, willing her body to stay planted where it was on her end of the couch. It was too soon. If she pushed him, it would all be over. She wouldn’t even have his friendship.

Brian was also having a hard time breaking his gaze. There was something sexual about the way that she closed her eyes and let out that small sigh. He lightly licked his lips. When he realized what was going on inside of him, he shook his head to clear the thoughts and stood up quickly. “I should go.”

Alexa opened her eyes and nodded. “Yeah, I’m kind of tired. I think I’m going to get to bed early. Thank you for the pizza though.”

Brian smiled and nodded. “Anytime.”

Alexa got up from her place on the couch and walked him to the door. She watched him walk slowly across the street. His hands were hanging loosely in his pockets and he was staring up at the starry night sky as if in prayer. Alexa watched him until he entered his house. She then closed the door and leaned heavily against it. Alexa, she thought to herself miserably, you have to get a hold on yourself. You’ve got his friendship. That’s all that you’ll ever have and that will have to be enough. It is enough.