Chapter Fourteen: Decode
"How can I decide what's right when you're clouding up my mind." (**) Decode - Paramore
Nick sighed as he drove home that night, his mind was all a clutter. The events that had happened between them had alleviated his worry to some extent. If she didn't want to be with him, she wouldn't have had sex with him again would she? They never did get to the conversation she had started and wanted to get out. He hoped that it was hard for her to say what she was feeling and just went by her action instead. He sometimes had the same problem with spelling out how he felt especially back in his younger days when he was much more into suppressing his emotions than just dealing with them. Anna had made him see that just dealing with them head on made them easier to deal with down the line instead of just suppressing everything and letting it grow until you couldn't control the angst inside.
He reached home not long after cutting the engine to his car and he sighed resting on the steering wheel. He smiled thinking of her. In a way it was kind of funny how this was working out. When he had needed to tell her about his girls he'd chickened out and went with his physical attraction to her and now she was doing nearly the same thing. Maybe they were more eerily similar than he originally thought. He got out of the car seeing Aaron poke his head out of the front door and then walk out onto the porch closing the door behind him. Nick got out and walked over to him. "Thanks man..."
"So what happened?" Aaron asked. Nick gave him a look and he laughed. "You gotta tell me. I read them both bedtime stories, you owe me." He replied smirking intensely. He looked at his brother, hair disheveled, clothing mussed and sedate look on his face. "You didn't talk I'm assuming." He said noting his brother's appearance.
"We started to, but that uh...didn't last too long." He admitted not being able to hold in his laughter from the night's events. "I mean it seriously and she...God...She's amazing..." He marveled not really being able to get his mind to really form coherent thoughts. Aaron laughed at him and gave him a hug and bid him farewell that he'd see him in a week or so. He went inside being as quiet as he could going up the stairs and into his bathroom turning on the faucets of his shower. He disrobed hissing at the stinging sensation he felt when his jeans rubbed over his knees. He looked at the joints and sighed smirking at the nearly impressive sized rug burns that were developing. He turned to the side seeing the small crescent shape marks just underneath his shoulder blades from her nails. Totally worth it... he thought amusedly as he stepped underneath the near scalding spray.
He washed himself and wondered what the next move would be for them. He knew really that the ball was in her court. As much as he hated being so completely out of control he knew she was the one really with all the power in their so-called relationship at the moment. He really could only be with her if she chose it freely and willingly, he knew that he couldn't force her to accept his life anymore than he could force Jo to willingly wear a dress. It was all a waiting game again something he had hoped would have been over once they had talked. But they really hadn't gotten that far into the conversation did they?
He wondered what the conversation would have showed him about her. Did she really want to be with him? That was the big 800-pound gorilla in the room really. Maybe she couldn't break it to him that she didn't want to be with him and just used sex as a way to delay the inevitable. His heart sank at that notion. She definitely didn't seem like the type to use sex in such a careless manner and she had been the one to initiate it this time after all. Her body language throughout it, seemed like she wanted him like it was going to be the last time they were ever going to be that way, yet in her words earlier she seemed to be hopeful as to what could happen.
He got out of the shower, throwing on a pair of shorts and a tee-shirt and went down the hall checking in on the girls. Livie was out cold holding onto her Frankie-bear and Jo smiled at him with her eyes half closed. "Hi Daddy..." She said sofly. He walked in sitting next to her on the bed and brushed a little bit of her hair out of her face.
"Hey doll. You should be sleeping." He admonished grinning at her. He watched as she sat up in bed and leaned over hugging him. He smiled and held her close to him rubbing his hand over the top of her head. "Come on time for bed..."
"Daddy why is your hair wet?" She asked curiosity showing on her features in the dimly lit room.
"I took a shower..." He said grinning at her. He hoped that this would satisfy her questions for now. He helped her get re-tucked in for the night and kissed her forehead. "Love you." He whispered making her grin and mirror his sentiment. He closed the door behind him and walked up to his bedroom laying down on his bed and sighed. This was definitely a complicated situation that was for sure. Really how was he even going to tell the girls about dating? Let alone the facts of life talk that he didn't want to have until they were in their thirties. He knew that was definitely unrealistic but if he could put it off until they hit puberty then he was in good shape.
He never really knew that attempting to have a relationship was going to be so difficult for him. Not even on a personal emotional level for him. Explaining things to the girls, and knowing how and when to expose them to things was going to be the most difficult for them throughout whatever may happen between him and Marie. He knew the best thing to do would be to be completely honest with them but he knew that some things he would have to keep from them. To keep them in dark until things were getting serious would be the best thing he realized. That way they wouldn't get too attached to Marie being around in case things happened to not work out between them.
He rolled over onto his back laying his arms behind his head as he stared at the ceiling. He knew that there were several things that weren't exactly kosher. Her spending the night definitely was going to take a while to even get into. Even though he longed more than anything to see her laying next to him when he woke up he knew it was, for the most part out of the question for a while. He thought about his upcoming plans and how he felt bad for not asking her to spend Christmas day with him. He had wanted her to of course but at the same time he didn't think it would be a good idea. Exposing the girls to Marie more would mean that he would be opening up a can of worms he may not be ready to handle. Especially when she had to go back to New York. How was he going to explain that to his daughters? Even if they decided to try a long distance relationship what would be the rules?
How would they see each other? Or really how would they handle being apart after being close for the time period they already had been together? All of these questions plagued him as he rolled around his bed trying vainly to find a comfortable position that would quiet his mind from all the thoughts swirling in his head. He knew he shouldn't think of everything like this, that he should just go with the flow and handle things as they came to him on a case-by-case basis. But really he didn't know what to do and over-analyzing wasn't going to get him anywhere.
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The following morning went as any other day. He got the girls up got them fed and dressed, taking them out to the beach to hang out for a few hours. He made a sand castle with Jo while Livie ran around searching for seashells. Nick watched and sighed as he saw the girls run around having fun on their holiday vacation. A few hours into playing Jo announced she was hungry and in true little sister fashion Livie followed suit. Nick smiled and took them to the diner he and Marie had eaten at the morning after they had gone to the Jazz club. "So what are you getting Liv?" He asked looking over at her while she colored on her kids menu.
"I want a cheeseburger Daddy." She said making him smile. He looked around the diner seeing the booth where they had sat and sighed to himself his mind still thinking about her.
"What's wrong Daddy?" Jo asked concern evident on her face. It was so like her to see right through him, to see the turmoil going on in his head. Even though she couldn't possibly understand the angst he was feeling toward the situation with Marie. Still, as much as she couldn't understand it, it made him feel good to see that she cared so much about her father's happiness and tried to make him feel better.
"Nothing honey, just thinking." He said brushing off her question. While he knew she was concerned he didn't want to even begin to try to figure out an explanation as to what he was feeling when he couldn't even describe it himself. It was like someone had tied a string around his heart and tied the other end around Marie's waist and when he wasn't with her the string grew tighter and tighter pulling on his heart and making him less focused and unable to really think or even fully enjoy his daughters' company when he normally would be so engrossed in them that nothing would be able to distract him. He looked over seeing that Livie was sticking straws up her nose and making weird faces at him. His earlier pensive expression crumbled in favor of a jovial grin. "What am I going to do with you two?" He asked giving them both a look as they both giggled.
He loved his daughters, more than anything especially when they were the only ones who could pull him out of his over-analytical state and just get him to smile and laugh. He ordered their food and watched as they both played with their crayons the waitress had given them to play with. He grabbed a stray blue one and leaned over to Jo's menu doodling on the edges a little as the three of them sat and waiting for their food, happy to color with them in comfortable content silence.
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That night, Nick sighed as he made his rounds around the house trying to pick up any stray toys on the floor. It was hard after all with two young children to keep his house in any relative state of cleanliness. He turned around tripping over a small doll stubbing his foot on the entertainment center in the process. "Mother...fu..." He started to say but stopped himself as he heard two small giggles come from around the corner. "Show yourself."
The girls made their way into the living room trying to contain their giggles at what their father had almost said. "Are you okay?" Jo asked hardly containing her laughter.
"Yeah I'm sure you two think it's funny..." He retorted picking them both up and collapsing on the couch with them. The girls squealed and he tickled them Jo scrambling out of his reach and grabbing a pillow hitting him with it. He looked up and started laughing grabbing a pillow himself and tossing another to Livie. "Give me your best shot." He challenged and both girls lunged at him hitting him with their pillows as hard as they could. He got up and ran away from them laughing as they got close and they moved their pillow fight to just before the kitchen. He gathered the two of them up collapsing to the tile with a thud and sighed laughing with them. They laid laughing for a few moments until he heard a growl emanate from Livie's stomach causing another eruption of giggles. "You hungry?" He asked giving his daughter a curious glance.
"Yeah!" Jo said getting up and going into the kitchen with Livie. Nick followed a moment later and asked them what they wanted to eat. "Pasta!" Jo exclaimed with a bright grin.
"Yeah, like Marie made for us!" Livie said chiming in as well. He inwardly cringed at the mention, it wasn't that he wasn't delighted to hear his daughters speak about Marie but at the same time he knew his cooking skill was going to pale in comparison. He relented getting all the ingredients he remembered her bringing over out of the refrigerator. He cooked letting the girls watch and smiled as he tried, rather unsuccessfully to recreate the simple pasta dish Marie had made for all of them on Christmas Eve.
It was crazy that she'd met the girls only two days ago and they still asked about her. Obviously she'd made quite an impression upon the girls and even though he was trying to push her out of his mind for the moment it was nice to know that he wasn't the only one thinking about her too. He sat the girls down with their dinners and they looked at him seeing the congealed mass of pasta and lumpy sauce. The three of them tried it and Nick sighed, "Okay, it's horrible...I'm sorry babes. Your dad is completely inept at making this." He announced making the girls sigh and push their plates away for the moment.
"Daddy why didn't you just invite Marie over to make it for us again?" Jo asked as if she had stumbled upon some glaringly obvious fact. Nick shrugged and sighed. "I don't know Jo...She's only here on vacation you know so I didn't want to bother her."
Livie giggled at that moment and sighed. "So! You should call her daddy." She said making him smile and shake his head. It was so like them to give him such a simple and obvious answer to all of his problems. He wanted to call her, knew he should but he couldn't, and needed her to come to him to show him that she wanted him too. If he continually made the effort and showed her that he wanted her and didn't get the same back then they'd get into a rut where he would always make the tough choices, make all the moves and that way he wouldn't really ever know what her feelings were through her words or even through actions.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Yay! I think I found my momentum again!! It's a short introspective chapter from Nick's side of the issue. Next up is Marie's side then them back together soon...hehe. As you can tell from the lyric and the song title I'm kind of obsessed with the twilight soundtrack. Tis my new favorite thing to write with in the background. I haven't seen the movie yet...which yeah...I am going on thursday after turkey dinner! Also the new videos of Nick shirtless on stage (oh thank you kevin for that one finally!)
Chapter End Notes:
thanks so much for all the reviews! keep em coming!
