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Changing Things...


He sits across from me, his eyes never leaving mine, it made me uncomfortable but it was a small price to pay for company. I was glad he was here, even though I pretended I wasn’t. He made it here in about ten minutes flat. I wonder if they have their routes timed to my house. It seems like it takes Howie less and less time to make it here; AJ too. I bet they have little planning meetings or something on how is the fastest way to get to Nick…just in case he does something stupid.

They are always concerned that I will do something stupid. I remember when that meant accidentally burping into a microphone or saying something that would make me appear dumb. Kevin would kid that he didn’t care if people thought I was a moron as long as I didn’t take the rest of them down with me.

I knew he was kidding.

It’s just one of those things that people who don’t really know us don’t understand. We are tight. There are so many other bands out there that profess to be tight like brothers, when in reality they can’t stand to be in the same room with each other. We always would get bunched into the same categories as them because it’s easy to do that you know… Generalize.

People behind the scenes would see us arguing, especially Kevin and I and automatically think there was so much more to the story when most times it was as simple as a silly little fight about stealing deodorant. I always did that to poor Kevin. Since I was a horrible packer, I never brought those essentials on the road with me, so I would invite myself to use his stuff. That would drive him crazy. One time we got into a heated argument over deodorant right in the MTV studios.

People began to think we hated each other and we thought it was funny.

Generalizing; I think Americans do it best. Let’s put everyone into categories because that makes everything so much simpler. You look like a weirdo and your fat so we will say you are a lazy good for nothing. You go over to that corner. And you…you have a big fancy car and ten women around you at all times, you must be a high roller, you go over to that corner. You’re an Arab…you must be a terrorist. You have a pierced nose and a Mohawk, why don’t we just arrest you right now. Chances are you are up to no good.

You are a rich, young pop star with everything, let’s say your life is perfect and move on because let’s face it, what can really be that bad in your world right?

I guess I shouldn’t complain, I mean I generalize too. It’s so easy to look at something, not really know the circumstances and come to your own conclusions. I have done that with women more times then I dare remember.

So people look at us and think that deep on the inside, we all secretly hate each other. That can’t be further from the truth. I don’t know what I would do without these guys. My whole life, it has been them, more so than anyone else, that have been there for me. Especially as of late, they have firmly stuck by my side. Even my own family has slowly weaned themselves away from seeing me, using the excuse that it’s just too hard to see me like this.

And I say… “Like what? Human?”

Not the guys though. They have stayed, and been witnesses to it all; the changes that have slowly mapped out the existence of my everyday life as I know it.

The nightmares, when I would wake up screaming my head off, only to be consoled by Brian who had taken to lying down next to me as if I was a little child; hugging me tight from behind as a shield.

The unexplained bouts of crying over the phone to AJ or Howie who would drop everything and come over; without so much as a moments notice.

The shaking, sometimes violent tremors that would overcome me as I approached a door, only to be calmed by the steady hand of Kevin; someone who I knew would never let anything hurt me.

These people are my only saving grace these days. Not that I deserve to be saved mind you. If I was them, I would have long given up on me too. From the first time I almost passed out at the thought of going outside, to them coming into my hotel room and finding me sleeping under the bed instead of on it.

“Strange behavior” I had heard AJ whisper one night as I pretended to be asleep on the bed; huddled in a ball so tight that I was having a hard time breathing.

“Well, it is a little strange, but he has been through a lot”

“Yeah he has. I worry about him Kev; I mean he hasn’t left this room in a week”

“He’ll get over it”

I never did though.

My fears had only intensified; soon even going from my hotel room to Kevin’s or AJ’s was a chore. I would break out in a cold sweat and then the tremors would start. The ones I had mentioned earlier. The thought of leaving my room was making me physically ill. So I stopped leaving and just stayed. Any interviews that were conducted, any business that needed to be taken care of, was all done over the phone from my room.

I never went out anymore.

“So…” I smile at Howie. It’s been about ten mutes of him doing nothing but staring at me and finally now he is speaking. “How’s it going?”

“I don’t like thunder”

“I know that, but at least the storm is dying down a bit”

“It is?” I hadn’t noticed.

I don’t notice much these days. That is one of the many changes I have undergone since some random fan decided to turn everything upside down.

I used to be observant, now long periods of time just happen by and I am totally oblivious to it. I will glance at the clock when I wake up to see it’s 8am and then look away for a few moments only to realize that the next time I glance at the clock it is nearly noon.

“Yeah, actually it stopped pouring almost an hour ago. Now it’s only light drizzling outside”

“An hour?”

“Yeah Nick. I told you when I got here that it had stopped pouring”

“You’ve been here for an hour?”

See? That’s what I mean. I just don’t seem to pay much attention to time anymore. What’s the point? I have nowhere to be.

“Are you okay? Let me get you some tea or something you look cold. Are you cold?” This is when they start to worry. You can insert any of the guys into this. Whenever I start acting strange as AJ had put it, they feel the need to try to fix things anyway they can. If that means something as simple as making me tea or bringing over some McDonald’s hamburgers then that’s what they do.

Anything to get the old Nick back.

I don’t have the heart to tell them things have changed. That old Nick is never coming back. I don’t want him to come back.

“That‘s okay Howie, I’m not really thirsty but feel free to make yourself some if you want”

He looks over at me and then nods, “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks though”

“Okay then. I’m gonna make some for me”

When Howie leaves, I look over to the door. I used to love going out, whether it be to a club, or to the beach. I used to love the feel of the wind in my hair as I drove too fast towards the shoreline in my convertible. Taking in the smell of the ocean as I blew passed it always promising it I would come back.

I want to be able to go out there, I really do.

I get goose bumps just thinking about it though. Leaving the confines of my safe home to go outside where anything can happen. It’s best to just stay here. So I sit back and look away from the door even though it yearns for me to pull it open.

Too many things can go wrong out there. Too many things already have.

The first time I tried to leave, I got as far as the front porch. I actually had my hand on the doorknob and even though I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to fall and start to convulse, I managed to open the door with all my might and take three steps out onto the porch. I can’t even describe the horror I felt. It was as if the air around me was closing in on me ready to crush me to a bloody pulp. I couldn’t breathe and used every once of strength I had left to call for help.

Kevin was on duty that night. Because let’s face it, I’m sure this felt like a job to them and when he saw my door opened he ran out onto the porch where I sat squatting against the wall and gasping for air.

“What are you doing out here?”

I wanted to answer him with some smart ass remark but I could barely breathe. He picked me up, wrapping his arms around my upper torso and dragged me back into the house.

“I wanted to leave” I finally managed to get out as he nervously pat my back, hoping I would calm down enough to let him know I would be okay.

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to lose my momentum”

“Nick…maybe you’re just not ready yet” And that was all that was said that night; at least to me. I’m sure long after I went to bed the subject was brought up a number of different times as they struggled to understand this new Nick. The one that was afraid to take more then two steps outside.

Howie walks in and decides to sit right next to me, I guess this way it’s less uncomfortable for him. He doesn’t have to face me and literally watch me fall apart. The warmth from his tea cup is traveling my way and I suddenly find myself wishing I had let him pour me a cup after all. It smells like Sleepy time tea.

“I wonder what is on TV” He says as he reaches past me and takes the huge remote. I shrug, “Probably nothing good this time of night”

“Well let’s see, if nothing else, there’s always good old MTV right?”

“Yeah but they never show videos anymore, only Real World marathons” He laughs and I lay back, resting my head on one of the nice comfy throw blankets I have strategically placed on the couch.

Sure enough we end up watching The Real World. He does anyway; I go back to watching the wall right above the television. It suddenly seems so much more entertaining.

“Nicky?”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, I thought you were asleep”

“Nope”

I hear laughter coming from the screen so I glance over to see Katie and Matt laughing about something on the Today show.

“I didn’t know they show reruns of the Today show”

I feel Howie’s eyes on mine once again and I realize that they aren’t reruns when I notice the shadows coming in through the blinds.

“What time is it?”

“Almost 8” He says to me with just a tinge of concern in his voice. Sometimes I think he would just like to shake me and slap me a couple of times. Maybe that would get me out of my funk.

I wish.

“Well I think I am going to head on home kiddo. You gonna be alright for a little while? I know AJ is stopping by around noon”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Howie thanks for coming last night”

“Anytime” And I know he means it.

As he cleans up a little he hums one of our songs. I know he is hoping I’ll start humming right along with him. I can’t even tell you when the last time I sang anything was. He folds the blankets I have all over the room and turns to say goodbye. Instead he says, “Things will get better Nicky. I promise you” I know he means that too.

Once he is gone I stand up and stretch a bit. Sometimes I wish I could just open up my door and run outside and play with my dogs. I had to give most of them away. They needed the kind of care that I just couldn’t give them anymore. Brian and Leigh took some and AJ took the rest.

I do move closer to my door but only to put the table in front of it. Maybe later if I feel daring I’ll put my hand on the knob and turn it.

Doubtful though...very doubtful