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Recovery

He looks amazing! I can’t believe how far he’s come in only a few short months. It was an uphill battle to say the least. It’s been almost a year and a half since Nick was diagnosed and he started to turn his life around. However in the beginning I wasn’t sure if it was even possible for him to get to this point. No, let me rephrase that, I couldn’t have ever imagined that he would get to this point! He really has far surpassed anyone’s expectations, most of all mine and probably his own. But he did, I can see it every time I look at him; that he truly is happy now. More than he probably has ever been in his life.

But it wasn’t easy. The day he told me about his heart condition, the same day I finally let go of his secret that I had been hiding for so long, was the day I thought I had lost him forever. I left his house more scared than I had ever been in my life. I knew I had to tell someone what was going on; I knew I couldn’t help him all by myself. As I drove down his street watching his house get smaller in my rear view mirror, I never hesitated as I dialed the only number I could think of; the one person I knew would have some helpful words: Kevin. Kevin and I were never really close but I always knew he worried about Nick. Everyone did, they all had suspicions, but Kevin would know what to do; I hoped. The second I heard his voice, every tear I had been holding inside began rolling down my face. I was scared to tell him anything, afraid I would lose Nick by revealing his secret. But I was more scared not to tell him, afraid of what might happen to Nick if I didn’t. All I could whisper was “Kevin, I need you”.

I headed to his house right away and he was waiting for me as I drove up. He pulled me into a hug and just let me cry; it seemed very reminiscent to how I held Nick only few hours earlier. He knew right away it was about Nick before I even spoke a word. We sat on his porch for what felt like hours as I poured out my heart, revealing everything I had ever kept hidden for Nick. I admitted my guilt for keeping it a secret, how I felt ashamed at myself for not telling someone sooner. In that moment I felt a huge responsibility for what had happened to Nick; I felt it was partially my fault, that I could have prevented it from getting so bad. Kevin didn’t argue the fact that I should have said something sooner but made sure I knew it was never my fault and after taking some time to get over the initial shock of discovering the truth, he wasted no time in putting a plan in action. I knew it was the best thing for Nick but I also knew he was not going to give in very easily. He was going to be angry and resentful, put up a wall and deny everything. Most of all, he would hate me for making all this happen. If anything was my fault this definitely was. But it had to be done.

Kevin gathered everyone who needed to know, who should have been involved. Nick’s siblings, the guys, and a couple close friends. He contacted Nick’s parents, who luckily were not in town at the time, and informed them of his condition. His Dad made plans to fly in the following week while his Mother was not much help as usual. We all agreed to keep management out of the loop until an agreement could be made with Nick. And so, the next thing I knew, a parade of cars were headed back over to Nick’s house containing every person that cared the most about him. A confrontation was about to be had and I feared the worst.

I was sent in first to come clean that I had told Kevin about everything. I found him in the same place I had left him; curled up on the couch, traces of old tears still stained his face. He made no attempt to move as I sat next to him, took a deep breath and began by telling him he wasn’t alone. I explained how I so desperately wanted to help him but I couldn’t do it alone and that he shouldn’t either. How I was scared for him and didn’t know what else do. And the moment I told him I turned to Kevin for help I saw the flash of anger appear in his eyes. No sooner had I said Kevin’s name did he push me away and jump off the couch. Luckily I didn’t have time to think about all the nasty things he was yelling at me because in a flash Kevin along with everyone else rushed into the room. With tears streaming down my face I watched on as someone I cared so much about reach his breaking point. He physically, verbally and emotionally lashed out at everyone around him. He did everything I knew he would and more. The last thing I heard him say before he took off was “I hate you all”; starring directly at me. I went home that night sick with grief and waited by the phone for any call that he was okay. None came. It wasn’t until the next day I got the call I had been hoping for, just not what I had expected. It was Nick’s doctor calling to tell me he was concerned about Nick; that he was there now and seemed to have shut down. I didn’t hesitate as I took off towards the office.

Nick had gone on a drinking binge when he left the night before and decided to top it all off with some cocaine. He was a mess when I saw him. But his doctor assured me he was fine; as good as could be expected in his condition. He and Nick had a heart-to-heart blunt discussion about his disease and he felt that a light had gone off for Nick; that was ready to make a change but didn’t know how. He told me that he provided Nick with a number of resources to help him get clean including a rehab clinic, a nutritionist and a personal trainer. Nick had agreed to everything but he informed me it would be along hard road for Nick and he would need help. If he only knew how much help Nick already had. I was so thankful to Nick’s doctor and still am today; his role in Nick’s recovery was substantial.

As I approached Nick I was afraid he would still be angry with me and tell me to leave. That he never wanted to see me again. But he didn’t. He looked so defeated sitting on the table, still half wasted. He was drained and I knew he needed someone. I just hoped that person was me; it was. He looked up at me such sad eyes and said “I’m sorry”. I didn’t need to hear anything else as I ran to hug him. We stayed like that for a long time until he finally asked to go home. That was the beginning of Nick’s journey. It wasn’t until he fully understood that his way of life, the constant partying, the drugs and the alcohol was literally killing him. It was then that he came to his senses and began to turn his life around. After completing his outpatient program he took on a new desire to get healthy. I had never seen him so motivated to do anything in his life before. Through his dieting and training he started to take on a new glow that I hadn’t even seen in him when he was performing. He literally transformed himself into a new person. I am also thankful that through it all, I didn’t lose him as a friend. To see Nick where he is today is beyond my wildest dreams. He looks amazing, he’s healthy, his doctor says his heart is doing much better and he seems so much more happy. He has a spark in his eyes that I don’t think I have ever seen before. I have always loved Nick. I loved him so much that I helped him make some of the biggest mistakes of his life. I loved Nick through his worst times and now I am beyond ecstatic to be able to love Nick and see him through some of his best times. I just hope he is able to stay this way for a very long time!