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Brian had gone to find out if Kevin would like to get everyone together and go out to eat dinner. He had knocked one Kevin's door a couple times but never received an answer. He tried the handle and found it unlocked. Knowing that Kevin was supposed to be in his room he decided to go in and check on him. He glanced around the suite and found it in shambles. Clothes were thrown everywhere, broken glass and lamps littered the floor but he couldn't see signs of Kevin anywhere. Fear leapt in his heart. He ran from room to room trying desperately to find his older cousin. He finally found him on the bathroom floor his arms pooled in his own blood.

Brian strangled a scream and dropped to his knees trying to examine the damage. The blood poured from his wrists which Kevin had managed to cut with the razor blade that was resting in the sink. Brian grabbed a warm, wet washcloth and began to clean the blood from Kevin's wrists, trying to be as gentle as possible. He was relieved to find the cuts were not deep, but just flesh wounds. Kevin opened his eyes and peered out at Brian's tear stained face. He coughed and groaned when he felt the pain in his wrists.

Brian didn't even realize he had started crying as he sat working on cleaning up the mess Kevin had made. He cleaned both wrists and bandaged them up with the first aid kit he found below the sink. He tried not to allow his emotions to get the better of him. He didn't want to scare Kevin, but on the inside he was freaking out.

Once he had cleaned the blood up from the floor and made sure Kevin didn't need medical attention he sat down on the tiled bathroom floor and focused on his cousin. Kevin closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He rested his head on the wall behind him.

"What the hell Kevin? What's going on with you?" Brian managed to spit out.

"She was going to tell," Kevin managed to whisper before he collapsed in tears.

Brian sat stunned and quietly waited for Kevin to continue. He had never seen his cousin fall apart like this, not even when his dad died. Brian was scared, more scared then he ever remembered being before in his life.

"Kristen found a journal I had written. She found out some things I've been keeping from her, keeping from everyone." He stopped and looked a Brian before continuing. "She found out that I had fallen in love with Nick." He looked down at his lap unsure of how Brian would react.

Brian let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and closed his eyes. He had not been expecting to hear that one. He sensed though, that this was not the complete story.

"She called me a bunch of horrible names. She threatened to go tell him Brian. She said she'd tell my family, the fans, management, everyone. She said she would destroy me and not stop until she got everything. Then she said she'd go after Nick. I couldn't let her do that Brian. I can't! None of this is his fault. It's all on me. He doesn't even know! He wouldn't even want to know! It was just supposed to be my secret, my private hell. It wasn't supposed to be on the six o'clock news. I had to stop be Bri." Kevin managed to scream and keep his voice down all at once.

Brian sat shocked against the bathtub for a moment shocked. His mind running a million miles a minute. He could not believe that Kevin had managed to keep all of this a secret. He also couldn't believe that Kevin had pulled a stunt like this.

"What happened next Kevin?" Brian prodded further hoping to get to the bottom of all of this soon. "Why did you try to kill yourself?"

Kevin shook his head violently. "I wasn't trying to kill myself. I just wanted the pain to be somewhere else Brian. I just wanted to be in control of something. I've lost control of everything. Everything's been taken away from me. I just wanted to be able to control the pain I felt." Kevin winced as he moved his arms again.

"She's taken everything Brian. She got her way. I'm leaving tonight, and I won't be coming back. She wants me to quit. She says I have to leave the group so that we can work on our marriage and starting a family. She says there is no way I can continue on here because I'll always be thinking about him. She doesn't realize that I'll be thinking about him no matter where I am, but if this is what's going to keep her mouth shut than I am prepared to go through with it." Kevin slumped against the wall exhausted.

"Does Nick have any idea how you feel?" Brian managed to choke out.

"No! And he's never to know. Do not tell him anything. Do you understand? Never tell him! He will only blame himself and none of this is his fault. This is just another thing I cannot control." Kevin looked pointedly at Brian.

Brian nodded, his heart broken and his whole world turned upside down. He couldn't imagine one day without Kevin there, not to mention a whole tour, the rest of his career. That night Kevin called an emergency meeting and told their other band mates that after months of decisions that he and Kristen had decided it would be for the best if he left the group to concentrate on beginning their family. The cried together, Brian taking it in stride and a bit disgusted at the fake reasoning given. He hated that after almost twenty years together they could not be more honest. He couldn't understand how Kevin had just rolled over and taken punishment for something that wasn't his fault either. He didn't ask to fall in love with Nick. He didn't ask to be a superstar whose reputation would be on the line if the public learned he was gay.

Later the night Kevin left reality dawned on Brian and he realized that he too would be controlled in this very manner. There was no way that he could even tell AJ his true feelings. They would never be allowed to be together. There was no way they could have a real relationship, there was no way they would ever be accepted. There was no what that they could have the kind of love that he so desperately wanted. If Leighanne were to find out she would destroy him too he feared. He now understood why Kevin had bowed out without the fight the way he did. He finally understood everything that Kevin had to deal with. He felt like his life was ending. For the first time that evening Brian threw up, cradling himself on the cold bathroom floor of his own hotel room. He felt his emotions overtake him and he dissolved into a mess of tears. He cried for the loss of a band mate and a friend. He cried for the feelings of abandonment he felt that his cousin, the man who knew exactly where he was coming from was gone. And finally, he cried for AJ. He cried for the love they could have had had they not been Backstreet Boys, international superstars. He cried for the emptiness he felt by knowing he could never have AJ the way he so desperately wanted.

Brian couldn't believe he had missed Kevin's secret. Now that he looked back and reexamined all the events previous he could see clearly that Kevin had indeed fallen in love with their youngest band mate. He couldn't really put a time on it. It seemed like it had always been there.

After that horrific night Brian's heart had hardened. He has become difficult to be around and to get along with. He concentrated completely on putting on the best concerts and only relaxed when he was on stage. He tried hard to focus on Leighanne and to try to save what he could of his troubled marriage. He still used AJ as a source to get off, a warm body to sleep against but something had changed between them.

He knew AJ could tell the difference but he could not bring himself to even begin to explain it. He just shrugged it off and moved on, trying hard not to let AJ's emotions get the better of him. He knew he was hurting AJ badly, but he was hurting too. Everything was falling apart and there was no longer anyone around to keep it all together.

AJ took everything Brian threw at him in stride, never questioning Brian's reasoning for treating him like shit. Even though he felt guilty he couldn't stop it.

Now Brian feared that they had reached the point of no return. He was scared that he had pushed things too far; broken AJ's heart one too many times. He knew he should have stopped himself that night of the awards show, but it had been so long since they had been intimate together that the desire that he felt for AJ consumed him so completely that he went a little too far. He couldn't stop himself from taking something that AJ wasn't comfortable giving. He felt beyond horrible about his actions, but he also had no way of explaining himself or apologizing.

The thought of Nick with Alex, his Alex, would drive him completely insane. He had seen his two friends growing closer and feared the worst. He could not deny he loved AJ just as much, now as he ever had, maybe even more. All he wanted was to be tangled up inside of him the way they used to be. Now everything was different. They could never go back and Brian wasn't sure how far forward they could go without everything coming to blows. His heart was broken so was AJ's and Kevin's. There was nothing he could do now but sit back and watch the storm move forward, claiming its next victim.