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AJ stood in the bathroom fixing his hair over and over again. He shook the remaining product out of the can and smoothed it through his dark locks and sighed in frustration at the finished product. No matter what he did he could not get his hair to lay right and he was beginning to get a little pissed off. For once in his life he really cared about his appearance and nothing was going right, making him angry. He groaned looking at the small bathroom clock and quickly washed his hands as he heard the door pounding. He moved quickly through the suite and yanked open the door. He swallowed hard as he saw Nick standing at the door looking hotter than AJ had ever remembered seeing him before. They smiled nervously at each other before AJ stepped aside and allowed Nick into the room.

They had decided to go out to dinner. Someplace casual so they wouldn't raise suspicion but someplace special enough where they could be alone. They both were nervous of the possibilities that this date could mean but both were unsure enough not to take the first step. Nick wasn't sure if he felt deep feelings for the older man or just an insatiable lust. AJ was still torn up over Brian and wasn't sure if he could ever open his heart again, but that was what this whole evening was about. Feeling out the other and trying to sort out their feelings. They would never know unless they tried and both were unwilling to let this opportunity slip through their fingers.

Nick smirked at AJ's appearance causing AJ to look down and blush slightly. AJ had spent so much time trying to fix his hair that he hadn't had time yet to get dressed. His thin waist was covered by the towel from his shower but that was all AJ had in the way of attire. AJ blushed deeper and grabbed his clothes. "You're early Carter!" he said as he retreated into the bathroom to finish getting ready.

Nick laughed and laid back on the bed flipping through the channels trying to calm down his racing hormones. Being attracted to AJ was not going to be the problem here. He knew he was early but he could not handle pacing in his room any longer. He was beyond nervous about what could happen on their date and all his nervous energy was leaving him hyper. He waited impatiently for AJ to come out of the bathroom. He couldn't settle on anything to watch. Nick heard shuffling and turned his head to look at the bathroom door. He swallowed hard as AJ finally emerged fully dressed and looking damn good. He wore an old pair of jeans and a nice shirt making him look hotter than he normally looked, at least in Nick's eyes.

AJ shifted uncomfortable under Nick's gaze unsure of how to respond. He grabbed his wallet and looked over at Nick to see if he was ready to go. They left the hotel room and rode the elevator to the entrance of the hotel. The two men hailed a cab to take them to the restaurant they had settled on for the evening. They had decided that pizza would be a casual enough option and Nick had found a quaint little place where they could be alone without having to worry about photographers and paparazzi. They were silent through the short cab ride to the restaurant, both men focused on their own feelings and nerves. Once they arrived they found the pizza place was mostly abandoned giving them the privacy that they so desperately craved.

Once they were led to their table and settled in they looked at each other shyly unsure of what to say. Nick laughed uneasily as AJ pulled out his pack of cigarettes. AJ lit up as they both scanned the menu in silence. They finally decided on a large pizza with extra cheese and lots of breadsticks. They made idle chitchat as they waited for their meal to be made. Both were nervous and unsure of how exactly to act around the other.

AJ lifted the cigarette to his lips and inhaled the blissful nicotine. It made him feel calmer, more sure of himself. They fell into easy conversation about how exhausted and hungry they were. Being on tour did that. It was an incredible experience, but it left both men constantly starved and exhausted. Before long their pizza came.

Nick smiled softly as he watched AJ. He couldn't believe they were actually doing this. They were having a good time so far. Some points were a little awkward but they just moved through them. Needing some sort of contact Nick reached out and took AJ's free hand in his from across the table. "I'm having a really nice time this evening, even if it is a little awkward." Nick laughed uneasily and managed a small smile. AJ squeezed Nick's hand back gently. "I know exactly what you mean."

They went back to eating but remained holding hands throughout the rest of the dinner. When they finished AJ reached for his wallet to pay but Nick stopped him midstride. "Let me, please?" Nick said softly his eyes begging. AJ hesitated for a moment before nodding and allowing Nick to pay. He definitely wasn't used to this. They left the restaurant hand in hand, hands hidden by their large jacket sleeves. AJ hailed a cab and shivered in his jacket at the crisp fall air. It was colder outside now then it had been earlier in the evening. He hated anything but sunny weather.

The cab finally came and took them back to the hotel. Once in their hallway they looked at each other suddenly unsure of everything again. AJ laughed softly to break the silence. "Come on, let's go watch TV in my room." he said softly. Nick nodded and followed closely behind. Once inside the hotel room they shed their jackets and grabbed some cans of soda out of the mini bar.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to go change into my pajamas." AJ said rifling through his duffel bag for a set of sweats. Nick nodded and stood up. "I'm going to run back to my hotel room and change too then. I'll just be a minute."

AJ nodded and watched as Nick let himself out of the hotel room. He let out a deep sigh and ran his fingers through his hair nervously.

The "date" had been nice, awkward, but nice. Nick would never be Brian, hell no one would ever be Brian. He couldn't decide if that was alright or not. He had found the great love of his life, but his love didn't want anything to do with Brian. It broke his heart, but that was reality. Could he really continue to mope around like he had been? His heart was broken, that much he was sure of, but could it be put back together? Could Nick be the key to happiness?

He sighed again and grabbed his whole duffel bag, giving up the search for his pajamas. He would have to dump the whole damn thing out. He changed in the bathroom shoving the discarded clothes back in the bag to be dealt with later. He stared in the mirror at his reflection and could hardly believe there was a genuine smile on his face. Maybe he could do this, maybe he could give himself to Nick. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually smiled without it being forced or fake.

He took one last glance at his appearance before exiting the bathroom. Nick was already back and had made himself comfy on the king sized bed. AJ climbed up beside him and laid on his back. Nick turned down his cartoons that he was watching and laid down beside AJ. They laid there for awhile not saying a word.

"Want to play a game?" Nick asked after the silence got the better of him. He rolled over onto his stomach and looked down at the older man.

"Depends on the game," AJ said laughing. He smirked at Nick and mentally begged him not to play video games, he hated playing video games.

"Twenty Questions, I think it would be fun. You can even go first!" Nick said smiling. AJ sighed and thought for a moment.

"What's your favorite color?" he asked peering up at the blonde. Nick slapped his arm causing AJ to laugh loudly.

"Come on J! You know the answers to those questions! Ask a good one." Nick whined.

AJ laughed at Nick's childness. He knew he was being difficult but nothing good could come from this game. He was beginning to get a little scared about the questions Nick might ask. He wasn't sure he could manage to lie if he was put on the spot.

"Umm let's see. Do you wish you would have taken responsibility of Aaron when your parents were willing to sign their rights over to you?"

Nick sat shocked for a moment. He hadn't prepared himself for AJ to ask such personal questions. He had devised this game to get to the bottom of what was haunting AJ, not the other way around. Nick was silent remembering one of the hardest times in his life. His parents had decided to get divorced, it was the best thing for their family, but it had left the Carter kids broken and devastated. Aaron had begged, pleaded to be able to stay with Nick, but Nick could barely take care of himself, let alone Aaron. He had told his parents he wasn't ready for the responsibility of having Aaron full time. He regretted his decision every day. Aaron fell into a bad way, had a hard time dealing with everything and ended up getting caught up in drugs and alcohol. Nick sighed.

"Sometimes I wish I would have taken him and forgot everything else. He was my baby brother. I was so worried that I would screw up that I couldn't handle the responsibility, but I think he's worse off now than he would have been if he had stayed with me. I don't know J. It kills me but at that time I fully believed I was making the right decision. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone anyone else. I knew if I was to agree to take him then there would forever be this line drawn between me and my sisters and I didn't want them to feel like I loved them any less. I couldn't shift them all around from city to city. It was a horrible situation and I had no way of knowing if I was dealing with it the right way or not. I still don't." Nick sighed and closed his eyes. He hadn't been prepared to reopen all of these old wounds he had spent so much time trying to mend. AJ looked at the blonde and saw the pain etched on his beautiful features and immediately felt guilty for asking the question in the first place. AJ knew this game was a bad idea. He moved around until he was able to find Nick's hand on the bed and laced his fingers through the other man's hand.

"Your turn," AJ managed to choke out scared shittless of what Nick would ask.

"Have you ever been in love?" Nick asked looking up to meet AJ's eyes, suddenly very curious of his answer. AJ closed his eyes and breathed in slowly, Brian's face filling his mind.

"Yes," he managed to get out without allowing the tears to come.

Nick nodded and stayed silent for a moment. "Is that what has you so messed up J?" Nick asked softly, almost childlike.

AJ had to suck in a breath sharply to keep his composure. He nodded slowly before answering. "Yes."

Nick dropped it already forming more questions and answers in his mind. He was starting to get a sinking suspicion about what was going on.

"Have you ever been in love Nicky?" AJ asked rubbing his eyes in an attempt to calm his racing heart. He would not cry in front of Nick. He would keep it together.

Nick rolled onto his back but didn't let go of AJ's hand for even a second.

"Yeah, I was." He said smiling softly. AJ looked at Nick carefully. This was definitely news to him.

"Who?" he blurted out before he had a chance to contain himself. He had to know. Nick laughed loudly before he blushed and ducked his head. He had never told another person this before. He was suddenly scared how AJ would react.

"Kevin." he said quietly.

AJ sat up on the bed quickly eyes wide and mouth gaping at the younger man. "What the hell Nick!" he yelled a little too loudly. "When the fuck did this happen? How did we not know about this? Did the old man know? Holy fucking shit." AJ blurted out all in a rush, his mind swimming.

Nick laughed and rolled his eyes. "No fair. That was like five questions! Let's see. It happened a long time ago. I guess it happened pretty much from the moment I met him. it just took me a little longer to realize that what I felt for him was love. I noticed right away that the way I felt about him was different than the way I felt about the rest of you. I love you all dearly, but there was just something...more...about Kevin. No one knew about it and no, he never knew either."

AJ continued to stare at the younger band mate. He had closed his mouth but his eyes were still wide in surprise. Nick chuckled and rolled his eyes again.

"What's so hard to understand? Why is it such a big deal? It's not like anything ever happened."

AJ shook his head and smiled. "I don't know. It's just hard to imagine it was Kevin. He was so much older than we were. I never thought that would even be possible. I mean I could see it being Brian. You two were abnormally close, but all that time you wanted the other Kentucky cousin. It's just hard to wrap my mind around."

Nick blushed and looked away. "What? I don't know. I never thought of it as being weird aside from the fact that it made me realize I was gay, now that was weird, but it's Kevin. There's nothing weird about Kevin. I guess it started out as some form of hero worship. He was the only constant male in my life that helped me and took care of me. Then as I grew older I liked the way he took care of me and cared for me. I liked the way he always made sure I was ok, safe. He was the one that held me when I cried and made me feel better when I was sick. He was everything to me, and then he left and my whole world fell apart. It killed me to watch him pack his bags and leave. It felt like she had finally won. I knew he would never feel that way about me, but with him here I could at least pretend sometimes. I felt like he abandoned me. My whole life has been one big shitty mess. The only constant thing I had in my life was the four of you and then he just leaves, out of nowhere." Nick sniffed and wiped the tears away that were falling down his pale cheeks.

"And I had to swallow the pain and pretend like I was happy for him. I had to pretend like I wasn't as affected by his leaving as I was. I had to hold it all together during the day until I could break down at night. It went on like that until I realized nothing I did could bring him back, he was gone and I was heartbroken. I learned to deal with it and after awhile it became a little easier to breathe without him here, I didn't feel like I was dying every time someone mentioned his name."

AJ sat shocked at everything that Nick had just laid out on the table. He couldn't believe that their younger brother had been holding all of that in for so long without any of them seeing it. He understood or at least to some degree, but he still could not bring himself to tell Nick about Brian. AJ opened his arms and Nick fell into them still trying to quiet his tears, AJ kissed the top of Nick's head and held him close. Nick looked up at AJ and kissed him softly on the lips.

"Thanks for a wonderful evening." Nick breathed out. AJ nodded. "I enjoyed it too. We should do it again sometime soon." Nick smiled and snuggled deeper into AJ's arms. The two men settled back into AJ's bed and fell asleep, dreaming of the loves that they had to leave behind.