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Where no one will ask cause nobody knows
You're not in my life anymore
And no one can tell the salt water from my tears
No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves
Ain't gonna wash your memory away
But there's a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier
If I'm gonna be down, I'm gonna be down way down here

~*~

Brian slammed the cab door and turned to face the sun. The waves of the ocean splashed gently placing a gentle hum in the air. He breathed in the salt water of the ocean and blinked back tears. This would end now. He shook his head and shoved the backpack further on his back. He started towards the beach front condo and smiled as he saw how serene it looked. Maybe this would be okay after all. He took three bigger steps and was on the porch. He dug around in his pocket for the keys and quickly entered the condo. He flicked on the light and placed the bags on the floor. He nearly jumped out of his skin as he turned to look in the living room and saw Kevin sitting calmly in the overstuffed chair in the corner.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Brian yelled a little louder than he had originally intended. He slammed his keys down on the coffee table and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I could ask you the same question.” Kevin said pointedly not backing down.

Brian roughly ran his fingers through his curls and turned away from Kevin. “Howie called you, didn’t he?” Brian asked refusing to look at his older cousin.

“Uh huh. What I want to know is why he had to call me. Why didn’t you call me and tell me something was going on. What’s going on with you? I thought you were handling everything ok. What made you freak and run?” Kevin asked trying to understand.

Brian inhaled sharply and dropped to his knees in sobs catching Kevin completely off guard. The older man rushed to his side unsure of what to do to help his younger cousin. He gathered the frail man in his arms and began to gently rock them back and forth.

“He’s moved on. He doesn’t want or need me anymore.” Brian sobbed out. He tried to maintain his composure but his emotions won out and he dissolved into sobs again. “I can’t stop thinking about him.”

Kevin rubbed his back soothingly trying to ease Brian down. Brian held tightly to Kevin until his cries became softer and turned into hiccups. “As much as this hurts, you have got to pull yourself together. You’re going to be a father. A baby is not going to understand what is going on if you break down like this all the time. You are going to have to learn to be around him without letting your emotions get in the way. You’ve got to let him go. It’s going to hurt like hell and it’s going to get worse before it gets better, but you cannot continue living life this way.” Kevin said gently.

Brian nodded, knowing full well that everything Kevin said was true. Finally exhausted Kevin released his hold on Brian and stood up. “Are you going to be ok?” Brian nodded and leaned against the couch to calm down. “I need to get back. Kris will go insane if I’m gone too long. I just needed to come here and check on you, make sure you were alright.” Brian nodded and looked closely at Kevin for the first time since he’d noticed Kevin was there.

His older cousin looked exhausted and well beyond his years. His features were tired and ragged and he cursed Kristin for making him this way. “How’s that going?” Kevin rolled his eyes and rubbed his hands over his cheeks. “It’s going. I hate every minute of it but there isn’t a lot I can do about it so I just got used to it.” Kevin said shaking his head. “I wish things didn’t have to be this way. “ Brian said unable to meet Kevin’s eyes. Kevin nodded and sighed heavily. “Me too cuz, me too”

Brian picked himself up off the floor and walked Kevin to the door. He hugged the older man tightly secretly thankful by his intrusion. He leaned against the doorframe and watched as Kevin got into his car and drove away. Brian had been so distraught when first arriving that he hadn’t even taken notice to his cousin’s car in the drive.

He made his way back inside and decided to change for the beach. He changed into plaid shorts and a red sweater. The sun was beginning to set and he didn’t want to have to come back inside if he got cold. He grabbed a bottle of water out of his backpack and shut the door to the condo. He walked slowly down to the beach and walked further down to the shore. He stared out into the vast ocean and allowed the waves to lap at his feet. He felt helpless, drowning. He had to get on with his life now.

He sat in the sand and picked it up by handfuls, allowing it to slip slowly through his fingers. He was going to be a father. He was going to have a little life depending on him for everything. He bit back a sob at the thought of raising a baby all on his own. He was excited, so excited. But in all of his excitement was despair for his broken heart. He was going to be a single parent. He would be alone for the rest of his life with nothing but him and his baby. He would never love another the way he loved Alex. And now, Alex loved someone else.

He allowed the tears to fall determined to leave this pain here at this house. The house he had bought for them. Alex had thought this was just another of Brian and Leighanne’s properties, but Leighanne had never sat foot here, didn’t even know it existed. He had bought it so he could have a special place for him and Alex to be together away from Leighanne, away from the world. Alex didn’t know the significance of this place, he didn’t know it was only for him and Brian. He must have thought it was just a place that Brian took him to fuck him so they wouldn’t have to rent hotel rooms, but this house was so much more. It held so many memories. They broke his heart and made him cry all over again.

He stayed out there staring into the blue of the water for a long time trying to let go, even just a little bit. He had to be able to be around them when he got back to the hotel. He couldn’t continue to run away every time his feelings got the better of him. It began to get even colder as the sun set in the distance. Brian was determined to stay outside until he felt like he could face the world again. He felt like an idiot for running away but at the time he had felt he had no alternative. He laid back on the sand ignoring the sand getting into his clothes and hair and tried to picture his life without Alex in it. All he could conjure up was a blank. He couldn’t imagine tomorrow without Alex at all. He sighed. He was going to be out here all night.

~*~

The three remaining band members met for breakfast in the hotel lobby. Nick and AJ were laughing and pushing each other on the way to the table. They smiled at each other before sitting down across from Howie. Howie glanced up and smiled to see that AJ actually looked happy. It had been too long since he had saw his younger friend genially smile.

“Where’s Brian? I thought he would come too.” Nick asked looking at the empty seat beside Howie. Howie hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should elaborate.

“He…um…left last night. Said he needed to have some time alone and he’d be back before rehearsals tomorrow.”

Nick and AJ looked at each other confused.

“Why would he leave?” AJ questioned. Nick shifted uneasily in his seat hoping no one asked him what he knew. He was a horrible liar and didn’t want to accidently let it slip about the baby or the divorce.

“I’m not sure.” Howie said shrugging. “He was pretty messed up last night. He demanded to be allowed to leave. He flew out of here like a bat out of hell. I have no idea what’s wrong with him. I thought everything was going great with him. It got me concerned so I called Kevin. He said he’d take care of it. I don’t even know where he went but Kevin seemed to think he had some idea.”

Nick nodded and focused on his plate silently praying that neither one asked him what he knew. The three settled into easy conversation as they continued to eat their breakfast. AJ could not figure out for the life of him what could have Brian spooked enough to run without telling someone where he was going. He glanced at Nick and noticed him fidgeting in his seat. It hit him quickly, the blonde shit knew what was going on, or at least had a pretty good idea.

AJ couldn’t think of anyplace close enough that Brian could be holed up at unless he flew home to be with Leighanne for a couple of days. He quickly finished eating and waited patiently for Nick to finish. He followed him back to Nick’s hotel room. Before he even had a chance to think he was being pinned up against the closed hotel room door with Nick’s mouth on his. He kissed him back and moved his hands to rest gently on Nick’s waist. They broke apart and Nick smiled sheepishly. “Want to stay and watch tv with me?” AJ nodded and took Nick’s hand, following him to the bed.

Once settled AJ decided to ask the question that had been bothering him since they sat down for breakfast.

“So I take it you know what’s going on with Brian.”

Nick froze and wouldn’t meet AJ’s eyes. He wasn’t sure how to respond. He didn’t want to betray Brian’s trust but at the same time he didn’t want to lie to AJ either.

“If I tell you then you can’t act like you know anything. I wasn’t supposed to say anything.” Nick said sighing heavily.

AJ nodded now even more interested in the information then before. “Leighanne’s pregnant.” Nick said happily his eyes sparkling. He figured it was the better of the two to let slip. He didn’t want to give away all of Brian’s secrets.

“Pregnant? How far along is she? When did he plan on telling us?” AJ managed to choke out without too much emotion. A baby? The number one thing that AJ could never give Brian, and now that bitch was giving it to him. He could feel his heart continue to break from every word out of Nick’s mouth. He struggled to keep his emotions under control. He could not let Nick see him get upset.
“Yeah! Isn’t it great. She’s eight months along! We’re going to have the first Backstreet baby soon! I’m so excited!” Nick said bouncing on the bed.

“Yeah, it’s very exciting.” AJ said feigning interest. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down. Once he felt like he was composed they settled down against the headboard. Nick wrapped his arms around AJ’s waist and rested his head on AJ’s chest. AJ hugged him back and closed his eyes. With his eyes closed Nick couldn’t see the storm that raged behind his eyes. A baby pretty much cemented the end of whatever relationship they could or used to have. It was all over, once and for all. Not that it hadn’t been over for quite a while, but the reality of the situation still hit AJ like a ton of bricks. It hurt more than he would care to admit. After all of this time he should be alright, so why did it feel like his heart was breaking all over again?