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AJ laid exhausted and broken on this hotel room bed, silent tears streaming down his face that he did not have the energy to wipe away. He hated Brian, no scratch that, he hated himself. He hated his lack of self control and self confidence. He hated that he could not stand up for himself, hated the hold that Brian had somehow managed to hold on him. He just hated everything.

After they had left the after party AJ had held on to the hope that Brian would be so tired that he would just go back to his own hotel room and go to sleep.

That was not what Brian had in mind however and he forced himself into AJ's hotel room. All AJ wanted was to lock himself in this hotel room and collapsing into an exhausted heap and not moving again until he was actually needed tomorrow afternoon. He had no idea that with as drunk as Brian was that he could manage to force himself inside the hotel room. He had told Brian that he though it would be best if they slept apart this evening and that he would just see him tomorrow, but that wasn't what Brian wanted to hear. Brian just wouldn't take no for an answer.

AJ closed his eyes and tried to forget how it felt to have Brian's hot, drunken breath on his neck, filling his senses and making him curse the day he ever began drinking. He tried to forget how Brian had forced him down and clumsily climbed on top of him and after AJ tried to resist he got violent, pinning AJ to the hard hotel bed and taking the last shred of dignity that AJ had left.

He loved Brian. Since leaving rehab he had been a different person; more loving, carefree, trusting. For the longest time AJ had been pleased with the change and fully believed that it was what he needed to do to be able to succeed. But so far all it had done was get AJ in the biggest mess of his life. He wasn't so sure he liked the change anymore.

AJ was beyond tired, but he knew if he tried to still his body and go to sleep that he would only relive the nightmares. Brian had gotten exactly what he came into the hotel room for and passed out shortly after. AJ laid there beside him until he knew he was asleep then he slowly made his way out of the bed and grabbed his things. He moved to the unoccupied room that the boys always reserved for traveling family, press, and management. AJ had never been so thankful for the extra room. He had thrown his belongings into the nearest chair and collapsed on the bed, which is where he was currently lying.

He needed a shower. He needed to wash his body from the inside out. He was broken in more ways that one. He never would have imagined that Brian would have done this. He was changing sure, anyone who wanted to open their eyes and look could see that. He had really believed that if he just held on, if he just kept giving Brian all that he had to give then he would love him too. He could see now that that would never happen, that everything Brian said were lies, but he also knew that there was nothing he could do about it. He was in too deep. He had allowed Brian to become his lover, even when Brian took more than AJ wanted to give he still loved him. He didn't have the strength to leave, to fight Brian on a continuing basis about why he wanted to end their little affair. He knew Brian would never understand, never accept it. Besides, this was the first time that Brian had took something AJ wasn't wanting to give. Even if it broke AJ's heart more o do so he couldn't leave.

He needed to get up, shower, move on and try to forget the everything that had happened since the awards show had ended. He slowly made his way to the bathroom, stumbling along. He was unsteady on his feet and needed to go to sleep, but it was imperative that he shower first. There was no way he could lie down until he had cleansed himself. He turned on the taps and allowed the water to heat up. He turned and looked in the mirror, grimacing at what he saw. His eyes were dark and swollen from crying. The eyeliner he wore to the awards show had ran along with the mascara creating black tear tracks down his face. He hated that Brian had made him like this. He hated that he had ever opened himself up to Brian, up to the possibility of being hurt like this. He hated he wasn't strong enough to walk away.

No one knew that their relationship had taken a more intimate approach. They all just assumed that Brian had been the person that AJ had opened up more to in rehab and that he needed Brian more than anyone else to stay sober. This was all true, but it was a lot deeper than that. No one knew that they had become way more than just good friends.

He stepped into the shower and tried to silence the scream that threatened to fall from his lips after stepping under the searing hot downpour. Although the water was burning his skin, turning it warm pink in color, he didn't make a move to get away from it. He welcomed the pain. It took the focus off of the pain in his heart. He had no idea how he was supposed to continue on like nothing was wrong, but he had to for the good of the group. But then again maybe he deserved it. After everything he had put the other guys through, maybe it was time he got his dues. This time he didn't have the familiar burn of the alcohol to help numb his senses. He would just have to continue on feeling like his world was closing in on him. He sunk to the bottom of the shower and allowed the hot water to completely envelope him.