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And a long night it had quickly turned out to be with AJ and Brian trying too hard to avoid each other but not so much that it made it obvious to the other guys that they were ignoring each other. They had played games, watched movies, and ate tons of junk food. They laughed and told stories, it felt good, it felt like old times, the only thing missing was Kevin. Brian enjoyed the time they spent together but he tried hard not to think about AJ sitting so close by. It was hard to see him and Nick flirt with each other and share secret smiles. He wasn’t sure if they even realized they were doing it, but he could see it all. At least he was dealing with it and not running away again.

Nick had fallen asleep during the last movie and had been snoring and drooling for the past forty-five minutes. They decided to call it a night and went their separate ways. Brian took his baby name book from his back pack and curled up on the couch in the lounge area of the bus. He had little less than a month to come up with a name that his child would be stuck with for the rest of their lives. He had never had a problem with his own name, but he had had friends that hated their parents for giving them their birth names. He didn’t want his child to hate his name. He wanted it to be perfect. This would probably be the only child he ever had so he had one chance to make it right.

Looking at these books made him feel like a girl. Only girls spent this much time pouring over every page and trying their best to come up with the perfect name. He wished he had had a name picked out since the beginning of time, or something he and Leighanne had always wanted, that would make all of this so much easier. He continued to flip through the book reading a few names off every page before becoming frustrated and flipping the page to another page full of names.

Brian was off in his own little world and didn’t even notice when AJ entered the room. AJ shuffled into lounge tired and grouchy. He couldn’t sleep and needed something to drink to settle himself down enough so that he could try to get some sleep. He watched Brian from the kitchen flipping through page after page. Seeing him all curled up with a baby name book only cemented the fact that he was about to be a father.

AJ had to bite back tears at lunch watching him tell Howie about the baby. He hated seeing that much happiness on his face knowing he had no part in bringing it to the older man. The whole thing made him sick. It should have been him and Brian adopting a child together. He hated the fact that Brian and Leighanne were taking this step together. He tried but he couldn’t take his eyes off Brian. He looked so adorable all comfy on the couch, his curls wild from where he lay earlier watching the movies. AJ loved the fuzzy blue sweater he was currently wearing. It brought out the depths of blue in Brian’s eyes and made AJ weak in the knees. He would give everything he had up to be able to take Brian in his arms and make him understand how much he loved him, how much he’d always loved him.

He sat his glass of milk down a little harder than he had anticipated and the loud slam startled Brian out of his daze. He jerked up on the couch and moved his head from side to side trying to locate the source of the noise until his eyes landed on AJ. They softened and gave him a faint smile. AJ smiled back unable to look at anything else. He grabbed his milk and entered the lounge sitting at the edge of the couch furthest from Brian.

“Picked any names yet?” AJ asked hoarsely trying to get his voice to cooperate and not show how much pain that simple sentence caused him. This was going to be harder than he thought it would be.

Brian shook his head slowly. “This is hard. I don’t want to end up giving my child a complex.” Brian said frustrated.

AJ laughed softly. “Are you picking out the names yourself, or is Leighanne helping you?”

Brian closed his eyes. He hated lying to AJ, but he couldn’t handle telling him the truth, that his marriage was over. “Um, yeah I have to pick them out myself and I have no idea where to start. I don’t know what makes a good name. This is much harder than they make it out to be.”

AJ laughed and grabbed the book out of Brian’s hands causing their fingers to brush against each other in the exchange causing them both to move away quickly. AJ settled back into the couch and flipped through a couple pages. “You don’t need this thing. You’re a really creative person, just come up with something that means something to you. Something like your name. “He thought for a moment and continued to flip through the book before stopping and looking up. “Baylee. It’s like your name and Leigh’s name together somehow. “AJ said shrugging and handing the book back to Brian.

“Alex that’s perfect. I couldn’t have come up with anything half as good!” Brian said smiling widely. AJ tried to ignore how good it felt to have Brian calling him Alex again. He was hating and loving every moment of this. He was dying inside from the ache to be with this man. He wanted him, had missed him so badly that he wasn’t sure how he had made it so long without him.

Brian tried desperately to keep himself under control as he sat so closely to the man he’d been dreaming of as long as he could remember. “Thank you, Alex. It really means a lot that you would help me with this.” AJ nodded and looked away quickly, his eyes tearing up from looking into Brian’s eyes too closely. AJ wanted to say so many things to him, but didn’t know how or where to start.

“Would you like to watch a movie with me?” Brian asked innocently.

It was almost too much for AJ to handle. He wanted to run screaming from the room but the sweetness in Brian’s voice got the better of him.

“Sure Ang…Brian.” AJ said hastily, cursing himself for slipping back into the familiar nickname he had used for Brian. Brian blushed and looked away trying to find the DVD player remote. He knew it was a bad idea asking AJ to stay, but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want him to go. AJ left the couch momentarily to get another drink and grabbed a can of soda for Brian without thinking about it. He put both drinks down on the coffee table and settled back into the couch. He was surprised he didn’t feel more uncomfortable around Brian, but his love for the older man was to great to make him feel anything but love for him. They sat quietly watching whatever movie Nick had left in the DVD player. Neither one said a word to each other for fear that they would say something they would later regret.

AJ glanced over at Brian and saw he had fallen asleep curled awkwardly at the end of the couch. He sighed and pulled Brian closer to him trying to straighten the older man out on the couch. In his sleep Brian could easily be moved as he stayed dead to the world for most of the time. It made playing pranks pretty easy.

AJ pulled him into his arms and had to choke back tears as Brian wrapped his arms around AJ’s waist while he slept. He had missed this man so much he could hardly stand it anymore. He held Brian tightly to him and inhaled his scent. Holding him in his arms brought back so many memories he want have loved to have forgotten about.

He could hardly take being this close to him without kissing him. What would it hurt? Brian was asleep and would not even remember it ever happened. He thought for a moment before he leaned down and touched his lips gently to Brian’s chapped ones. AJ’s stomach did flip flops at the feeling. He felt Brian respond slowly and panicked before he realized Brian was still sleeping.

AJ pulled away and rested his forehead against Brian’s. There was no way in hell he could ever get this man out of his system. He could try all he wanted, but it would never work. He needed this man like he needed air. He just couldn’t have him. He knew he was leading Nick on and making Nick think he felt something for him that would never be there but he couldn’t help it. He just needed someone to spend time with. He needed love, acceptance and a warm body to sleep next too.

He held Brian tighter and tried to pretend how he would feel if Brian told him he loved him too. His world would finally be perfect and complete. But it wasn’t, Brian belonged to Leighanne and was about to be a father for god’s sake. He needed to get it together or he would end up embarrassing himself and making a bad situation worse.

He looked at Brian’s sleeping face. He looked so much like an angel. AJ leaned down and kissed his forehead detangling himself from his warm body. He needed to get away before he fell asleep or something to make this situation even worse. He tucked Brian in with the blanket on the back of the couch and stumbled back to the bunks. He hated sharing a bus with everyone. He would have loved to be able to cry in private. He managed to reach his bunk and collapse before the silent tears started to fall. He missed Brian more than he ever imagined possible. Somehow he would have to learn to deal with this, but not tonight. Tonight his heart was broken and there was nothing left to do but cry.