Spring break; I was saddened at first when I heard you were going on a family trip to see your brother for his birthday. I didn't want you to leave, I'd miss you too much, but I said not a word of this to you. Just like I was afraid to let anyone know my happiness, I also feared to let my sadness show. I don't know if you noticed the subtle smile across my face when you surprised me by inviting me. You must have. It was then when things took a turn for us.

That warm Texas night at your brother's party we snuck off  to be alone.

You whispered into my ear, "Come on, I have something to show you."

I discreetly looked back at the guests to see if anyone noticed us slipping away from the party. We made out like ninjas sneaking away, no one even noticed. You held my hand in you rough callused hand, hmmm those were the hands a a working man. I used to love the way they felt on my skin.

I asked, "Where are you taking me?"

"Ssshhh, it's a surprise, just trust me. Okay." You said as we entered the woods behind the house. "Close your eyes and just trust me."

I trusted you and did as you asked. I kept my eyes close and let you guide me blindly into the darkened woods.

"Are we there yet?" I asked trying to annoy you intentionally.

You chuckled and said, "Almost, sweetie, just a few more paces."

You were right, I counted them, one, two, three, four. At six you stopped and I nearly crashed into you. But you said not a word. I could feel you reach your hand into your pocket, heard the jingle of your keys as you pulled them out. "Okay open 'em."

I slowly opened my eyes and for the next two seconds my heart stopped beating. You stood there will your tiny silver flash light attached to your keychain directing it to one specific spot. It was one of the sweetest things your or anyone had ever done for me. You always seemed to do that. I traced my finger over the heart that you had carved into a willow tree as you read out loud the names inside J.G.G. & Munchky. I was overcome by the warm fuzzies, remembering the day we came up with those stupid names for each other.

We had gone to the movie rental store. I had wanted to see Field of Dreams and you were off in the horror section when I finally spotted it against the wall. I just had to be on the highest shelf didn't it. I had tried reaching for it, stretching out my arm as far as I could, standing on tippy toes, and by the time you'd come back with your slasher film, you'd come to find me jumping up and down.

With my back towards you, I couldn't see, if you were laughing at me I'd would have been in silence because I certainly didn't hear you, I didn't even know you were there until I saw your hand grab the exact copy I was so desperately trying to get to.

I blushed when our eyes met and gave you a weak smile. I could tell you wanted to laugh but you didn't. You didn't say a word, but I knew you wanted to. I knew you were holding it in. Your face had turned red a now I knew you were fighting  the urge harder.

Halfway to the register, when I thought I was in the clear, you said it... "Come on munchkin let's go." Followed by a string of uncontrollable laughter coming form the both of us.

"Awe, don't laugh at me." I pouted.

"Oh, I'm sorry, " you said "I know...It's not your fault your short."

I smacked you on your arm. "Yeah well I don't see it that way. I like to think it's not that I'm short your just tall."

"Uh huh," you rolled your gems "Come on Munchky."

My mouth opened as wide my eyes. "Oh, I'm right behind you Mr. Jolly Green Giant."

You never failed to surprise me with sweet details like that. It was one of the things I adored most about you. That moment will stay etched in my heart like it was yesterday. Preserved for the rest of my years.

 Remember that night we sat on the pier by your daddy's house? The stars danced bright around the glow of the moon. In the quiet of the night there all alone, our feet dipped into to a small body of water that for that moment belonged to us. My toe tips barley reached the cold water.

A sudden breeze sent chills throughout my body. You took me into you arms and held on tight to keep me warm. We were always crazy like that. Leave it to us to be outside on a night like that with our bear feet submerged into ice.

It was neither too hot nor too cold that night, it was my favorite weather still not the best idea to go skinny dipping either, that night, that October night. Yes it was your 21st birthday.

You leaned into me and gently pressed you lips against mine with fingers intertwined in my hair, you pulled me closer as you claimed my mouth with your own. I parted my lips allowing you to invade me with the warmth of your tongue and you held on so tight as if you were afraid the wind would steal me away from you.

I allowed this attention for as long as I could until I could bear no more. I placed both hands on your chest and pushed you away, breaking the kiss.

You looked at me through glass eyes and asked me, "What's wrong?"It wasn't the first time I had done that. I'd done it many times and each time you would always ask me what was wrong. I never did you an answer.

Avoiding your question I looked up to the stars ,I asked you to make your birthday wish. You stayed quiet for several minutes. I was beginning to wonder if you had even heard me at all. Just as I was about to ask you a second time, you cleared your throat and said to me in a soft whisper, "The only thing I wish for, the only thing I want, only thing I have ever wanted is for you to open up to me. That would be the greatest gift you could ever give to me."

My eyes fell to my toes drawing circles in the moon glistening water. I had nothing to say. I knew you were disappointed. And if I had known that was the last time I would see you, I would have granted you that wish. So tonight after nearly I decade I write to you and I hope you will accept that gift.

I'm only sorry that it came way too late, that in my inexperience I let you slip away. Please know that if I could do it all over again I would have give you what you wanted. I would have given you everything that I kept hidden in my heart.

I would have told you that being with you was the first time I ever really felt happy. I would have told you that every time you kissed me I felt the earth spin, and every thing that was missing in my life showed its presence then, I felt it harder to breath, and all of that was too much for me to grasp at the time.

 It frightened me, I didn't know how to feel or show love, it was never shown to me before. And all I could do was pull away because if I didn't, I felt like I might die.

All these years, I held on to your every word and every memory we created together and I curse myself for being so foolish. But all the would haves and could haves won't change a thing now.

They say everything happens for a reason and that in the end, things always work out for the best. Looking at the way things turned out I say it's true. I can see that you're happy and in love, now I can let you go. I hope, now that you know the truth, you can forgive me, and most of all, I can begin to forgive myself.

                                                                                                               Love Always, Anne