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"This sucks," I muttered to myself as I stood from the couch and walked into the kitchen. Opening the refridgerator, I grasped a diet Pepsi and took a large drink of the bubbly, sugary soda that tingled the back of my throat before going back into the living room. Flipping restlessly through the cable channels proved fruitless with attempts to not miss Alex too much. Every piece of furniture seemed to smell like his cologne and my wall of photos didn't help. During his vacation, we had gone to get our pictures professionally taken and they were now nestled against the crimson walls. I'm not one to compliment myself, but I did love how they turned out.

The slower the time passed, though, and the more I stared at our pictures, the more unbearable being apart seemed to get. Dropping him and Marcus off the airport, I'd promised myself that I would refuse to allow myself to be reduced into an emotional mess. I'd spent far too much time alone in my life to let a relationship, long distance at that, cause me to crumble. But naturally, and I constantly cursed myself for it, that was much easier said than done. His lingering scent was intoxicating and it made the flashbacks of the time we spent together that much more vivid. Damn the tears that seemed to fall harder during the late hours of night and Alex could tell, but I would never admit it to him. How could I? I definitely didn't need him thinking I was unstable or worse yet, clingy and that I couldn't handle the long distance aspect of our blossoming relationship. I could handle it, although there was no denying that it sucked worse than I had anticipated.

Reaching out, I allowed my fingertips to trace down the glass that protected our memories and chugged down half of my soda. No doubt about it. Being away from him sucks and it still scares me how much I care about him. How much I love him. God, I just don't want to get hurt. I began to find myself praying that what I had with Alex was real and would last for as long as He would allow me to breathe on this Earth. To actually be happy. I don't remember when was the last time I felt this happy. But right now, it was mixed with loneliness and a craving for sweets.

It was not healthy to let it bring me down as much as it was, I was aware of that, but I couldn't help it. Even when he called and I drank in the relief of hearing his voice on the other line, I was left feeling even emptier than before once the call ended.

"Get a grip, Cayla," I finally spoke up, breaking into my own thoughts as I turned away from the photographs. It was a routine battle between my rationale and my plain aching for him to be by my side. Soda now finished, I rinsed out the bottle and threw it in the recylcing bin when an obnoxious knocking interrupted everything. "Jesus Christ! Who is it?"

"Y'know, you should really change the locks and stop giving out a key to your best friend if you don't want any unexpected visitors," a familiar call echoed from the living room as I heard the front door thrown open. I fought to withhold a groan of annoyance for being disturbed and knew by the tone of my friend's voice that she had caught onto my irritation. Still, I made no move to go greet her, knowing she would eventually make her way to wherever I was and when Addison finally stomped into the kitchen, I barely looked up at her. "Cayla!"

"Hey, Addie," I replied as I made myself a Nutella and peanut butter sandwich. I wasn't hungry, I hadn't been since he left, but I made myself eat anyway. "How was your trip to Ireland?"

"Naturally I have enough pictures and video to show you that will last an entire lifetime," she gushed immediately in a high pitch that was unique to her personality when she expressed any level excitement. I couldn't blame her. Addison had finally had the chance to make a long over due trip to Ireland to visit relatives she hadn't seen since her early childhood, and I could tell just by looking at her that the trip had been wonderfully spent. She'd been gone nearly a month. I just felt bad that I couldn't share in that same excitement. "Ok, what the Hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong," I lied, taking a large bite of my sandwich in hopes that would divert her attention and then I won't have to talk about what's going on. "I can't wait to see all the pictures-"

"Something's wrong."

"Addie-"

"I'm not going to enjoy showing off my family unless I know you're actually paying attention, like you would if everything was okay. So, c'mon, spill."

"It's been a rough week at work," I quickly lied with a short shrug.

"That's nothing new," Addison replied with a snort as she grasped my arm and pulled me back into the living room. She pushed me down on the couch and sat down next to me. "What else is going on?"

"Addie, really, it's nothing."

"Then why won't you talk about it?"

"What I want to talk about is your trip," I interrupted her, forcing the best reassuring smile I could possibly manage, though I knew it was much. "C'mon, you can spend almost a month away and not have a single thing to say about what happened."

"I have plenty to say about what happened. But I'm worried about you," Addison frowned, glancing away to look at the wall of photographs and I had to hold back a groan.

"There's nothing to worry about," I insisted as she found the newest additions. I was always adding to the collection. While I tease her about being slow on the uptake, she was actually quite observant and I knew she would figure it out. Three... two... one-

"Well, either that's some highly skilled photo editing, or there's definitely something you been lacking in the communication department with me," she murmured as she picked up the closest photo frame for intense scrutiny. And then... "Cayla Baker!"

"It isn't a big deal," I sighed, wincing at her heightened tone.

"You have pictures, actual pictures, of you and AJ McLean and you say it isn't a big deal? When did this happen?!"

"While you were gone? He just happened to stop by one day-"

"He just happened to stop by one day?" Addison snorted and placed the frame back on the wall. "A busy man like him doesn't just stop by one day. You had this planned out!"

"I didn't plan the pictures!" I grunted, even though I was well aware that that was far from what she meant.

"Playing dumb isn't your forte," Addison rolled her eyes as she plopped back onto the couch. "Why didn't you tell me? I knew you guys had wanted to be friends, but I honestly didn't think he would be able to come out and visit with that schedule of his."

"They had a break in their schedule-"

"And you asked him to come this way?"

"He asked if he could-"

"How long was he here?"

"A week-"

"How many times did y'all have sex?"

"ADDIE!"

"Was he as good as the first time?" she continued, grinning.

"That is none of your damn business!"

"I knew it!" Addison gasped. "Holy Hell, Cayla! While I was being productive and making up for lost time with my relatives in a foreign country, you were home getting your fuck on! And never even let me know that Mr. Hot Stuff was even coming to visit! And don't give me that bullshit that you couldn't contact me! I bought you the foreign calling card for a reason and- oh my God! No wonder you never answered my calls when I called you!"

"Pardon me while I die of humiliation," I groaned, covering my face that was turning bright red as Addison kept going on about my sex life with Alex.

"I had heard rumors of him being like the Energizer Bunny growing up, but damn, to know it's actually TRUE is fantastic! Especially when it was with my best friend!"

"Are you done yet?" I mumbled between my fingers.

"Oh, sweetheart, not even close-"

"Then I'll simplify this," I replied, eager to have her interrogation end. "Yes, we had sex. More times than I can count. Actually, we fucked a couple of times and then it changed to something else. It was all amazing, more than I could ever imagine. He's a great kisser. He loves to cuddle afterwards and play with my hair as I fall asleep. Whenever I came home from a rough night at work he was always willing to give me a massage and let me vent. Is there anything else you need to know?"

"Is he big?"

"Addie... I swear to God..." I sputtered, my cheeks nearly on fire.

"What? Inquiring minds want to know!"

"That's for you to know-"

"Shit, he's huge, aint he!"

"ADDIE!"

"Just say yes and I'll drop it."

"You promise?"

"What do you take me for?"

"A nosy best friend-"

"Answer the question, Cayla-"

"Okay, okay, okay. He's big and he knows how to use it. And I mean USE it. Are you happy now?"

"Define what you mean by how he knows how to use it-"

"Addie, if you don't know, then you have had some really crappy sex," I actually laughed, running a hand through my locks.

"I bet he had you screaming like a banshee," Addison continued, ignoring my comment about her sex life.

"Get out of my house, Addison!"

"Oh, stop pretending to be offended," she waved her hand at my demand like shooing a fly and all I could do was growl under my breath. Soda. I needed soda. Standing up, I went back into the kitchen with Addison right on my heels.

"I really don't want to talk about this with you right now," I stressed, feeling my stomach clench at her persistance and the way it made me miss Alex even more.

"Did something else happen while he was here?"

"Addison..."

"No, I'm not talking about sex. I can be serious, you know," she replied, watching me closely.

"I don't think I understand what you mean," I muttered, though that was clearly a lie. Addison was trying to pull the relationship I had with Alex out in the open and I wasn't entirely sure I was ready to delve into all of those details either.

"C'mon, Cays, look at me," Addison's tone suddenly changed as she drew closer and grabbed the bottle of soda from my hand that I grabbed for myself. "Dirty, sexy secrets aside...there's something more to this isn't there?"

"I..." Words failed to come and I had to tear my eyes away from Addison's, swallowing against the lump in my throat. "Yes."

"It's okay. It's just me, Addison. Not a reporter or blogger or whatever the fuck they're called now."

"God, Addie...I don't even know how it happened! It doesn't make any sense!"

"Why does it have to make sense?"

"Because... because it's Alex! He could have ANY WOMAN in the world, and yet he wants me?"

"Don't start with that-"

"I'm serious! He tells me all the time how beautifiul I am, how lucky he is to have me, that no woman can hold a candle to me," I sighed, taking back my soda. Chocolate was beginning to sound good and I stood up to rummage for some truffles. Alex had actually bought me bags full before he left and I couldn't admit that my supply was depleted significantly almost two hours after he left. "I just don't understand."

"You can't let your crappy boyfriends in the past ruin something that can be good for you, Cays."

"But what if this really isn't all the good it seems to be?" I snapped before I realized the words were leaving my mouth. I stepped back several paces as the silence accumulated between us for several long agonizing moments. "He's an honest to God good person, Addie. I just-I...don't want him wasting his time if he's only going to wake up one day and realize he didn't know what the Hell he was thinking."

"You can't think like that, Cays. If you keep thinking like that, you're going to tarnish what can be good and you'll be sitting here, alone with your diet Pepsi and truffles. You're a good person. AJ is a good person. Why wouldn't you be meant for each other? You've known each other for what, a month and a half?" Addison waited for my nod in response and continued. "I know how scary this is for you. But you're going to miss out if you keep doubting yourself."

"I don't understand how you can be so damn positive about relationships when you just got out of one," I grumbled and turned my back to her.

"Because I chose to get out of a relationship. Neither of us were happy," Addison replied, tossing something that hit me in the back of my head. I found it to be one of my truffles and I scowled.

"Hey!"

"Does he make you happy?"

"Maybe-"

"Don't maybe me, Cayla. You can't possibly be blushing as furiously as you are right now just from his name being mentioned if he doesn't make you the least bit happy."

"Fine, he makes me happy."

"And you make him happy."

"How do you know?"

"Why would he travel all the way out here to be with you for a week unless there's something about you that makes him happy?"

"Maybe he just wanted to get laid-"

"Cayla Rose!"

"For Christ's sake, Addie! He's a guy! And he's well known for being-"

"That isn't fair and you know it," she interrupted with a sharp frown. "You're going by what the media has said and his old habits before rehab."

"Still-"

"Stop. Stop the doubting. He cares for you, he loves you. Obviously he wants to make this relationship work, so why not let it work?"

"...How did you know he loves me?" I whispered, nibbling on my chocolate.

"I think I know you well enough to realize when you're in love and vice versa."

"Even so, you weren't here when-"

"Cayla, have you looked at the pictures of you and AJ?"

"Sure, all the time, that's what makes me miss him more."

"I mean REALLY look at the pictures. How his hand seems so natural when it cups your cheek while you look into each other's eyes. Or the way he smiles when you're wrapped in his arms. That's love, Cays."

Before I could stop them, the tears were slipping past my eyes and I sank back against the edge of the counter. I could deny it all I wanted, but I knew Addision was making an honest observation and it hurt like Hell. "God, Addie..."

"I know you've been hurt more times than you'd care to admit. It's scary. But from what you've told me, this is just as scary for him. Take it one day at a time, and I know you'll find that happiness you've been looking for," Addison placed a hand on my heaving back as more tears fell at her words.

"Wh-when did you become so w-wise?" I hiccuped.

"I like to think it's a natural born talent-"

"I meant wise, not wise-ass," I brushed away the tears, laughing softly.

"Very funny," Addison snorted.

"You really think all that about Alex and myself?"

"If I didn't, I wouldn't say it." And that was true. To think that someone really, truly loved me. Loved me for who I was... it made butterflies in my stomach and my toes tingle. I couldn't help but smile.

"I just don't know how to handle this. And not having him here makes it worse," I murmured, brushing my hands across my cheeks to rid them of tears.

"One day at a time, hon. You do the whole call, email, text, instant message stuff, right?"

"Whenever he has a free moment."

"So, focus on that. And then before you know it, you'll be heading out to see him-"

"Wait, how do you know I'll be able to go? My review isn't until next week!"

"You're too good of a worker not to get WSI, Cays. They'd be stupid not to promote you."

"I never said I was going to see him though-"

"Why wouldn't you go see him? I mean, you tell me how much you miss him. I can see how much you miss him. Why not go?"

"I don't travel."

"I swear to God, you drive me crazy!" Addison exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. "First you have doubts about your relationship... now you 'don't travel', which is a load of shit. You used to travel every year with your parents."

The breath caught in my chest. "I don't travel anymore, Addison."

"Not even to see the man who loves you?"

"You know why," I hissed.

"Cays, they passed away years ago. I don't think they wanted their passing to affect you like this."

"I. Don't. Travel."

"So what's going to happen once you get your promotion? You're not going to lie to AJ and tell him you didn't get it. I know you better than that," Addison's voice had understanding, but the look on her face... I knew she was frustrated, but she just didn't understand. She would never understand. She still has her parents. "Besides, you traveled to see BSB. What's the difference?"

"I drove. That's the difference."

"Plane crashes are rare-"

"Rare enough for me to lose my parents. Right."

"Nobody asks for that shit to happen, Cays," Addison sighed as she reached to pull my crumbling form into a tight embrace.

"And I never asked to be left here without them!" I released a hot sob as I clung to my best friend. "I was supposed to be with them, but I-I-"

"I know. But that's not your fault. You would have been miserable traveling with strep throat, that's why they told you to stay home," Addison soothed, rubbing my back. When my parents had passed away... I didn't really let myself mourn them the right way. I just kept on going with my life, attending and graduating college, then working to keep up with the house bills.

"They should have stayed with me!"

"Hey, it's not their fault, either!" Addison pulled away and held me at arm's length. "They were meant to be on that plane. You weren't. As painful as that is to hear, it's the truth. As shitty as it is, it happened for a reason."

"It happened for a REASON? My parents were taken away from me for a REASON?"

"Yes! God has plans for all of us, Cayla. It was their time. It wasn't yours."

"That doesn't make it right-"

"I never said it did make it right."

"But why them?"

"I don't know. But look at how great your parents did with you in the time you did have. You're strong, independent and starting a serious relationship with a great guy. They'd be so proud of you."

"And yet they're not here to see it-"

"Okay, y'know, this is not working," Addison interrupted me with a tight shake of her head. "You obviously closed yourself up in this house for far too long. Go get changed. I'm taking you out."

"Taking me out? Addie, I don't want to go anywhere," I groaned, trying to ignore the ache in my heart for not only Alex but now my parents as well.

"I don't care. You need to get out of the house. I bet all you do is go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep-"

"It's what I do anyway!"

"Well, now that I'm back it's not. You need some new clothes to wear when you see AJ again."

"I don't even know when that's gonna be!"

"I don't wanna hear your excuses. Go change!"

"But Addie!"

"Don't give me that or else I'll strip you down and change you myself. Don't think I won't do it!" she grasped my shoulders and pushed me towards my bedroom.

"I hate you."

"You love me. Now shut up, get changed and get ready for some serious shopping."