"Straight through my heart..."
LOL It just came to mind whne I read about Nick's getting shot (though, during Breathe, it's actually hard to get him still since he always did his "I'm dancing even though it looks like I'm having a seizure").

My bets are still on that Charlie. XD

Author's Response: HAHA! I was also singing that song in my head while I was writing this chapter. Originally, I was going to say that Ashley had decided to have the shooting take place during Straight Through My Heart, but then I remembered that they didn't do that song on the IAWLT tour because Kevin isn't a part of it. Damn! It's actually one of my favourite up-tempo BSB songs. Anyways, I just about died laughing at your seizure comment!! Nick does kind of look like that sometimes ... poor thing. You will have to wait and see if you're right about Charlie!!

I knew it! I knew it! lol I thought that the unsub could be one of the two guys who were in the group before Kevin and Brian came. But I couldn't and didn't remember their name (as in "Brian wasn't there so I couldn't give a care about it) so I wasn't sure about that idea. Glad it turned out to be right! lol My years of being a Criminal Minds and Sherlock fans aren't wasted! lol

Oh Nick. ç_ç
Nick ç_ç
Nick ç_ç
You broke my heart. I first read the chapter while I was having dinner and I had to force myself not to cry. The most heartbreaking thing is that I can totally see that happening in real life: I can totally see Nick (or Brian) not being able to survive and go on if the other is gone.
And Aj... gosh, I don't think that even him could survive, not after how close they got over the years. ç_ç

*returns to the crying ball waiting to know if Brian would make it or not*

Ps: whenever I see Howie on Twitter, my first thought is "You hate Brian! You were mean with him!" LOL See? That's how much involved I am with this story. lol*

Author's Response: HAHA - Your years of watching crime-related TV have most definitely paid off!! I suppose as long as you don't actually say hateful things to Howie on Twitter then it's okay for you to think that he's a horrible person!! LOL It's crazy how the lines between fan fic and real life can blur so easily. I wonder if anyone has ever made a mistake and been like: "Hey, Nick, remember when you were a zombie ... oh wait, nevermind!!" BAHAHAHAHA

Oh gosh.

I think I've started really sobbing with Aj and his "Without you, I'll be just A, Mr. A". Then I had to read the chapter twice because of the tears. ;__;
From Kevin and his feeling guilty (and there aren't a lot of stories who focus on the relationship between the two cousins), Aj and Nick knowing that they would be lost without Brian to remind them that they can always be better and happy, to Howie who finally realized the jerk he had been.
Brian's role in the group is always underestimated: he may not going public or does big gestures but he's the silent heart that keeps the group together.

And the last line... Brian Thomas Littrell, proving doctors and odds wrong since he was a child. *.*

Thank you so much for this story.

Author's Response: Well, I'm impressed that you took the time to read the chapter twice. Sorry for making you cry ... well, I'm not really sorry ... I'm kind of glad that I was able to evoke some emotion. HAHA Now, comes the big question: Will Brian make it?? You will find out in the next chapter (I promise)!! :D

lol
After that picture of Brian almost kissing Kevin, this chapter couldn't be more fitting and perfect. lol

I just... I just love this story. Seriously. Maybe because it's one of the few Brian's stories out here, maybe because you capture him as much as I see him and, maybe, because I really really love your writing.
So, yeah, I love this story.
And I love this chapter, from that sweet moment between Brian and Nick (though Nick was asleep), the conversation between Brian and Kevin that is so on spot about literally everything (especially Brian's feeling like he had failed Nick and how he hadn't been the one that saved him) and that fact about Nick listening to Brian's voicemails just to hear his voice.

I can't seriously wait for Nick's chapter. LOL

Author's Response: haha I thought about that last night when I saw that picture! I was like "Oh that's lovely boys I was just thinking about a scene like this." lmao

as;dljfk Thank you!! I'm just so happy you love this, really, because I wasn't sure if there'd be anyone other than me and the friend who inspired this one who'd want to read it, lol It's kind of funny, Nick is my favorite so I kind of would have expected I'd be writing from his perspective first/most often but I haven't actually written anything from Nick's perspective yet? lol I've done Brian and Kevin and AJ but I seem to be gravitating toward writing Brian and AJ centric stuff the most and I don't mind that at all because I'm loving doing it, it's just a little funny to me because I'm like "...but Nick, I need to get to writing for Nick. You know. Eventually. After I write twelve things about Brian." XD

...I want to keep rambling but I should really get ready to go to work, haha BUT I think Nick's chapter will be next? I have two ideas for what to do for his and I keep going back and forth on which one I want to use though I think I've almost made up my mind. So I think he'll be next, ^^ (Well okay, I'm gonna work on the next chapter for my sad AJ centric thing from this world first, but then Nick and Brian, promise, lol :) )

You're my favorite person right now.
This story is so amazing and just too good. I'm in love with the way you describe Brian, I think it's so perfect and so fit the conflict with his religion and who he has became. It's the kind of angst that always shatteres me because it's so good. lol
And I love how, in the end, Nick's different from the other ones. Nick's the only one for Brian and the end just made me smile so big!
I actually don't know what to else to say because I really really loved it. It's one of those stories that I'm gonna read over and over again. And on of those stories who just makes me feel like I will never be able to write something like this.

Thank you for writing in this fandom. Thank you for writing slash. *__*

Author's Response: sadfj;lk This made me so, so happy, seriously. Yesterday was awful at work and I'm sick and this was just an absolutely wonderful window of happiness in this midst of all that, haha XD There was so much I wanted to do with this idea that I feel like there's a lot here I didn't spend as much time with as I wish I could have, and one of those is the struggle Brian goes through with his religion after what happens to him. I'm really glad that stood out for you, even if I didn't get to go as much into it as I would have if this had been longer. One of my first thoughts when I was planning all this was how hard it would be for Brian to adjust to a life where he knew he literally HAD to kill people to get by, to have the instinct to do so such a strong part of him that it becomes something he wants. I knew if he was ever to come to terms with he'd have to have rules for himself, have to go after people he saw as dangerous or evil in some way so he feels like he's in some way a force for good. I got to show that a little with the moment they come to AJ's defense but I kind of wish I'd put another scene like that in there, show him doing the best he can with a difficult situation. (...and also, because he's Brian, I feel he'd still carry a lot of guilt even then, because he wants to believe in the good in people, doesn't always like that he's put himself in a position where he judges others and deals out life and death.)

I'm also really glad you liked the end, :D I went back and forth on how I wanted meeting Nick to go for a long time but I finally decided it had to happen like this, because I didn't want to take away that dynamic of the two of them being best friends and brothers first. I wanted to show how deep that bond goes, that even though in this world all five of them are meant to be together and in love with each other, there's something with Nick and Brian that's unique and just a little tighter and closer than anything else.

...I need to stop because I could ramble about this world for a long long time lmao I really did love this universe though so who knows, maybe eventually I'll write something more from here, go back and hit a few of the scenes I had in my head that didn't make it into this one...I'll have to see. Anyway, thank you so much for this; there's nothing better for a writer to hear than that someone loved their fic and everything you said just made my day. :D :D :D

Before jumping on the Brian/Nick part, I wanna with Howie's words because they summon my thoughts on the whole debate about Brian's issues: we might be frustrated, we might get angry and want things to change (or the Boys to change) but it will never ever come close to what Brian had and still feels every single day.

Anxiety sucks. Anxiety is that small voice that keeps telling you how much you sucks, how much people are going to hate you because you weren't perfect or because you screwed up.
Even today I'm still amazed that he had someway the courage to go through an album and a tour of two years and half and never back down.

Ironically, that discussion is one of my favorite scene from the movie. Because that was the breaking point that bought Brian and Nick closer. That discussion helped them to see their distance, especially Nick. I think you got him perfectly: his anger wasn't strictly against Brian but more it was his frustration to see someone he admired becoming that shell. And who knows how really bad was the place Brian had been in those months.
(And that, summoned, it's the reason why I quit all fan forums. =.=)

Thank you for the sensitivity and trying to get past the "Brian has an ego and the Boys don't know how to face him." to truly understand what lies behind a smile.

Author's Response: exactly on point. I've been looking at the forums (which were actually the reason this story was written in the first place) and I'm like... what? How can people be so insensitive and stupid? I've been trying to get a word in there, but meh... it's like six against one. 'Just cut his solos,' is what I hear most. It's like saying you want him to shrivel in whatever deep dark place he's already in. It's just the fact that we fans know literally nothing about his mindset. Or maybe just a little, as I've heard AJ confirm a couple of times that Brian needs a lot of encouragement at this point to be able to believe in himself again. Cutting solos and bashing his ego is not likely ever going to give encouragement. Anyway, that was my rant. Thank you very much for the review, I really appreciate it. I will continue this story, because I have finally figured out the direction I want to take it in. Let's just say (without trying to spoil anything) that it's going to try and deal with what it really means to be forced to handle so much stress and pressure for over three years.

I swear... These boys... *shakes her head* one has just had a panic attack to the point of passing out and what they do? They let him go home alone! lol Let's add car accident to the list of problems that Brian has, right! lol

No one will ever be able to change my mind about the fact that we will never know how really bad and low Brian got during those months. Those dead eyes still haunts me (and inspire me to write, but that's another story! lol) and I think it scared the shit out of all of them. Especially Aj and Nick because it must be hard to be on the other side, to watch someone else (someone like Brian, especially) going through that self destruction they had lived through.

Author's Response: I should send somebody after him, shouldn't I? (to make sure a car accident doesn't happen) I completely agree with you though, it was fairly shocking to see a whole different Brian in the documentary than the one we get to see during concerts or on tv shows. I think I did read an interview where he admitted he was in a particularly dark place that period his voice went out completely (which was only little over a year ago from now, if I'm not mistaken) That's kinda scary to know, to be honest. I don't know about the panic attacks though, let's hope that remains fiction in this story, although it doesn't seem too far fetched, judging by the situation.

Thanfully, especially in real life, Brian has an amazing source of support inside his family. It hasn't been easy for them too, especially for Baylee who had to witness his father going through this and not being really able to help him.

Poor Brian. He places too much pressure on himself, especially when he's with the Boys. He wants to be better with them, he wants to prove them that they can rely on him once again and, mostly, I think he doesn't want for them to constantly worry about him. And that's why he keeps faltering with them: if he just let himself go like he did at home... Oh Bri! I feel for you even if this is only a story. *goes inside the story and hugs him tight*

Author's Response: Yeah, I think a good support system is one of the most important things in this situation, I'm so very glad he seems to have that in real life. Don't really know how much Baylee is informed of these issues though. I don't imagine he knows nothing about them, but yeah, how much of this do you discuss with your son? I suppose the pressure is the biggest negative factor too, in terms of expecting way too much, way too fast. Maybe if he just pretends he's in his own house, in his own studio, things could be a little better, but I guess that's just very difficult to do. You wish this was just a story.