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Author Topic: Featured Story of the Month for October: Satan's Playground by rebellious_one  (Read 14739 times)

honey

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Ok, so I read through all the questions (I was waiting until after I'd read the story to read this thread so I wouldn't have any spoilers) and first of all, thanks for the shout out to Fan Friction.  :-*

Secondly, I noticed you mentioned that your characters seem inconsistent, and that was actually one of my critiques. I agree with you about that. I don't think it really hinders the story too much, but I did notice and kind of go, "wait, what? but why?" to myself.

Another thing I felt as I was reading was that the story seems to be all on the surface. You are really great at telling the story. Explaining what is going on, creating tense moments, placing us in the scene... but beyond what is happening right now, the story lacks depth. The characters all seem very flat.

Please don't hate me, I say this all with love!!! It's just that I see so much potential here and while I enjoyed the story, it didn't just pull me in and make me salivate for more. But I totally think you are capable of that.

I would love to see you explore the situations you create and explore the characters a lot more. These guys are going through some crazy stuff. I would love to read their reactions to it all, hear their thoughts about what they just witnessed. I would love to see you flesh it out with that they are all thinking, and how they are all feeling about what's happening. Maybe even struggle with each other as they question each other's sanity. Address the fact that they are scared, and yet they keep going back...

I think your best "character moment" in the story was when Kevin was about to kill Brian. He showed confusion and remorse and fear. I felt sympathy for him. You've also touched it a little bit with Nick being afraid, but I would just love to see so much more. If he's that scared, why does he let them go back? Why doesn't he try to stop them? And all of them have seen things that are supposed to be not possible. They're all seeing ghosts, doesn't this concern them? It was kind of like they all just seemed to except the fact that ghosts are real.

That's just me though. I'm so character driven. I want to feel the emotion behind a story. I think if you added just a little bit more inner struggle/emotion from everyone you would really up the stakes in this story and the impact would be all that much better. Instead of scaring people, you'd have them tearing up and pissing in their pants.  ;) )

The last thing, was the grammar. Some of the repeated mistakes throughout the story made me wonder if English wasn't your first language. Now, I know that you said you started this when you were 12, and heaven only knows what I wrote like when I was 12, so I understand that one. I also don't blame you for not wanting to go back and change it, but I will admit, I found it highly distracting as I read. I did notice it got a little better in the later chapters, so I can see that you're working on it, so good for you!

just one thing though... this is the one I noticed the most throughout the story and it drove me freaking crazy...   he didn't "seen" it, he "SAW" it.  He saw a dark figure... He didn't seen a dark figure...  lol, sorry. I'm really not a grammar nazi, but that one really did start to get to me, you did it a lot.



OK, I hope I didn't just ramble away without making any sense. Honestly, it's a good story! I hope I didn't offend at all, that definitely wasn't my intention! I heart you and your story Reb!
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If Ryan looked at me the wrong way, I lost it. If Ryan looked at me the right way, I lost it. And whenever he tried to kiss me, something usually blew up. Someone ought to teach him a little control.

rebellious_one

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Haha. Nothing was taken into offense or personal Kelly, believe me. I have looked at my story from an outside point of view, and even that left me like "Wtf?!" Lol. As for the whole character thing, I totally know what you mean that it lacks depth. I spent far too much time on setting up the plot and describing the scene that I kind of placed the characters on the back burner, and in actuality, that's the most important part of the story. The characters are the ones that are telling the story, and you can't neglect them like that. I'm at a point where I'm still learning and even then I'm looking back and I'm like "Gee, what the hell was I thinking writing this stuff the way I had?!" Lol. But I totally see what you mean with my characters seeming flat. In one of my other stories, I did just that where I delved into the psyche of each one of my characters and that indeed made all the more difference. This is a story I want to work till the end, but in the near future review and possibly rewrite the whole thing, with all these critiques/feedback in mind.

Another thing I agree with is the fact that it doesn't seem like a story to just pull people in and drive them crazy for more. To be honest, I was actually shocked to see how much attention this story was getting, and I seriously think it was based on the creativity factor and how original it seems. Other than that, I thought "how could people possibly like this story?" and I don't mean to always down talk this story, I mean, if people didn't think it had potential like you said, it wouldn't have been nominated and selected to be a featured story of the month. But the fact that I started this story at a young age and it's still progressing over years and I'm continuing to grow and learn more and more about writing, it's completely leaving me like "Damn. Wtf?" Lol.

I'm known to not take criticism so well because my mind is quick to make it a personal thing, but I have truly grown and learned that criticism is to help make a person better so I'm proud to say that I'm at a point where I love any and all critiques when it comes to my work. :) I noticed you kept apologizing and reassuring me, but hun, I took all your advice into consideration and it's all helping me to become a better writer, so really, thank you for all this. I mean, you took time out of your life to read my story and even took time out to type up a long critique, and you must be crazy if you think I'm gonna bypass that with anger and take your criticism personal, haha. It's all outta love and it's intended to help me grow as a writer. :)

Anywho, back to the critiques and story, lol. Looking back at this story and answering questions and reading critiques made me realize that I need to change the way I approach writting. Like I said before, I'm the type of person where if I have an idea for a story, just an idea, not the whole story plotted out in my head, I'll be quick to spit it out and want to post it for reviews. Lol. When that happens, there's no set plan for how the story goes, which characters will be involved or make appearances, who the characters are in the story and how they will be affected throughout, etc. I make it all up as I go along and it seemed to be working well for me for quite some time... but the fact of the matter is, all those stories are INCOMPLETE. Lol. Well, except for one, and I must admit I had a better set plan for that story than the rest. But anywho, it's a real challenge I set up for myself because when it's something you make up as you go along, it's all ideas that has to come up right then and there, you have no idea/plan to fall or refer back to. My method makes it easier for writers block to creep up and captivate me for a really long time, hence the last time I updated Satan's Playground, haha. This whole... experience has taught me that I need to change my ways to help better improve my writing.

There isn't a lot of personal interaction really going on between the guys, like you said, where they try to deal with their raw emotions, and even then I don't really express their motions vividly like you said. It's funny because I was thinking the same damn thing you said, with the whole "Okay... they're in a haunted place, there's ghosts and they've encountered them, so... why the hell are they still there doing all this?" Lol. And like you said, I didn't really delve into why they're still there doing it all when they're lives are at stake, nor did I really delve into their thoughts about their lives being on the line. Having that said, I've been looking to making my chapters based around their thoughts and emotions rather than having it all being about what's around them and what's going on. I need to have a perfect balance of that. I feel like I'm gonna throw people off with my... upcoming chapters and the fact that it doesn't entirely link correctly back to the beginning, but honestly I kind of enjoy how people are able to differentiate my writing from the beginning to what was posted recently. Like I said, this is a story I'm gonna finish off then take and heavily revise or even rewrite it, because I must agree (not to sound conceited or anything, lol.) but this story does possess a lot of potential and having that said, it's something I should really take my time with if I want to do it right. Although it seems as if I have a lot of negative things to say about this story, this has got to be one of my favorite stories that I've written and one that I would like to work on making it better.

As for the grammar, lmao at your thought of English not being my first language. Hehe, although I love writing and enjoy doing it a lot, grammar is one of my weak points. I'm glad to be in a place where people will correct my grammar because that is one of my weak points, and if I can have people point it out and correct it, that's a helluva lotta help, lol. Wow, this was a LONG response, haha!! Thanks again Kelly, for taking time out to read and review. Your critiques will definitely help me with this story, as well as future works and all I can say is... thank you.  :-*

Btw, I actually didn't even realize that I put "seen it" instead of "SAW it", lmao. ;)
« Last Edit: October 07, 2008, 01:36:07 AM by rebellious_one »
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honey

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lol, well I can't help but be paranoid when I give feedback, you know? But I feel better now. And you're welcome! Believe me, I know how important feedback is, and how NOT often we get it, so I try to be constructive whenever I take the time to read something. Especially with a story like yours, because it's like I said, I just see soooooo much potential here.

I think you would do really well to go back and re-write. I know I personally would love to see what you could come up with after planning it all out a little more. You know I'll read the updates anyway, but if you do ever go back and do some re-writes, make sure to let me know!  Again, this is definitely a story to be proud of hun. It deserves the recognition! Good luck with all the future chapters!
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If Ryan looked at me the wrong way, I lost it. If Ryan looked at me the right way, I lost it. And whenever he tried to kiss me, something usually blew up. Someone ought to teach him a little control.

mare

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Btw, I actually didn't even realize that I put "seen it" instead of "SAW it", lmao. ;)

That is the only thing that bugged me in your story. lol You did it quite a few times towards the beginning.

Yay to everyone getting on the Satan's Playground bandwagon. It's an awesome story and i'm so glad oyu're getting more readers for it. It was a hard choice for me whether to feature this one or the other one I love (God I can't remember the name of it though. lol I suck with names.) The Power of Five? You know which one I mean. It also needs to be updated by the way.

Okay i'll stop blabbering now.
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rebellious_one

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LMAO at the Power Of Five. Is it... Thicker Than Blood? Lol. But yess... I'm almost complete with my SP update, and I had mentioned to Sel that I will be spending my time update the stories that haven't been updated, so I'm happy for that. Feels damn good to get back in the swing of things. :)
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mare

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Ah, yes Thicker Than Blood lmao I was kind of close. I mean there are five guys!
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rebellious_one

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Haha, yes you were close. Got them five dudes right. ;D
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MonkeyAbu

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Ahem! And where's this update you mentioned? >:( Don't make me karate you!
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rebellious_one

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Haha, it's coming!! I said it'd either be posted today (which was yesterday) or tomorrow (which is today) so I still got time to stick to my word. :P
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rebellious_one

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Alright ya'll, going to post my update!! ;D
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MonkeyAbu

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*SCREAMS*
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rebellious_one

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Lmao. It's posted. ;D
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rebellious_one

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*does a jig* Mare, Mare, I posted an update!! ;D
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MonkeyAbu

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Haha! Yay! I was the first one to review! ;D
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rebellious_one

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Haha. Read your review. Was it not enough? Lol. :P
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