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Chapter 33

I woke up the next day with a million emotions running through my head. Contentment over a beautiful Christmas, excitement after another nightmare-free night, and something unnamable that pulled at my insides with a dreadful force. I frowned at myself as I searched my mind for what could possibly be sending pulses of fear through me. I was nervous about seeing the doctors but this was something so much more. I rolled over to take comfort in Aj, knowing seeing and feeling his body would help me clear my head but he wasn’t there.

“Aj?” I called carefully swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and using my foot to bring the wheelchair over towards me

“Precious!” I heard echo through the house before thundering footsteps and an out of breath face appeared at my door “You’re awake!”

“I am! And guess what?” I asked with a tentative smile

“No nightmares?”

“No nightmares”

“That’s my girl” Aj said coming over and giving me a hug. Something small settled in my core at his touch but the lingering dread remained in the background. I hastily pushed it aside.

“Where were you?” I asked as he helped me into my wheelchair

“Cleaning up and getting everything together for your appointment. It’s in two hours but we should leave in an hour because traffic will be terrible. Want to take a shower?” Aj asked with more than a hint of his own nerves

“Desperately, but I don’t think I can” I said stretching out my side a little and feeling for the familiar tenderness in my ribs. It was still there without a doubt and a small shot of panic ran through my stomach accompanied by another swell of that deep dread.

“Au contraire” Aj said with a grin “Let me show you how you can shower”

“After you” I said hiding my worry with a smile. Aj lead me into the bathroom and opened the large shower door for me revealing a marble seat “Did you have this put in for me?”

“Um… no” Aj said bashfully so I raised my eyebrow at him “It’s something I put in to aid with… other… shower…activities…”

“What?” I asked completely confused. Aj looked at me, exasperated, but I just shook my head again

“Shower sex, Kat. The seat gives nice leverage for shower sex” He said and I let out a laugh that helped me feel a little better

“Well why didn’t you say so?” I said with a smirk “Help me disrobe?”

“Always” He said shaking his head at my silliness. When I was completely undressed Aj turned the water on and took his clothes off while I stood, leaning most of my weight on the counter. When the water was hot enough Aj helped me sit before following.

“So when do you think we will be able to use this for its intended purpose?” I asked smoothing water over the surface of the shower seat. Maybe getting lost in each other’s bodies would help me feel normal again

“I don’t know precious. We’ll have to ask the doctor” Aj teased detaching one of the three shower heads and bringing it down to my level

“I’ll leave that question for you to ask” I said quickly. Aj laughed a little and then kneeled in front of me, maneuvering the shower head so I could clean my whole body. The spray danced on my skin and I sighed, dropping my head between my shoulders. I opened my eyes after a moment and saw the angry black skin on my injured side “This would be pretty hot if it weren’t so sad”

“Hey, it’s still hot” Aj said handing me the shower head so he could put soap on a loofah. Ever so tenderly he scrubbed my body clean, starting at my toes and making his way up over my stomach, around to my back, over my chest and on my neck. When he reached my face his eyes met mine and I let out a breath of steam and lust. “I’ve missed that”

“Missed what?” I asked breathlessly

“That eye color, that deep velvet blue. It’s so nice to know that after everything I can still make you feel so good” Aj answered softly by my ear before taking a slow nibble at my earlobe

“If only my body didn’t resemble my eye color” I said self consciously motioning to the multitude of black and blues I was sporting

“Hey” Aj said gently caressing my cheeks so he could bring his eyes to mine “What’s wrong? You were so happy yesterday”

“I’m sorry. I guess I’m just nervous. What if I never get better?” I whispered to him. Hot water poured and steamed off of the two of us and when Aj pressed his body to mine in a hug I couldn’t help but sigh as the electricity travelled through my body at every wet and warm contact point between us

“You are already getting better. I promise Kat, I wouldn’t lie to you about that” Aj said softly and I nodded. It didn’t erase my nerves, or address my lingering bad feeling, but it did help push it all back a bit. We finished the shower in silence before Aj helped me into a towel and in front of a vanity mirror. He went to his closet to find clothes so I took the moment to dry my hair straight and put on some light makeup.

I studied my reflection, trying to see if any real progress had been made in my bruising. Things seemed a little lighter generally and my throat bruising seemed to resemble less of a hand print and more of a large blob so I hoped that was good progress. Maybe Aj was right. Maybe things really were going to be ok. Aj helped me dress in nice jeans and a blue tank top with a flowing tan cardigan over the top. I put on some converse so I wouldn’t have to tangle with a heel if they wanted to see how I walked. What if they said I could walk without the chair? What if they said I couldn’t? I swallowed down another wave of that ugly feeling.

We drove to the hospital with the radio on. Aj sang happily along but I was a bundle of nerves. I played with the ends of my cardigan until they started to fray so I put them down and began picking at my nails

“I used to do that” Aj said with a slight frown “I used make my fingers bleed by picking at them too much”

“Oh? I didn’t even realize I was doing it” I said distractedly

“Everything will be ok, Kat. This is just a check up and this hospital is one of the best in the country” Aj said in what I bet he thought was a comforting tone of voice

“Your right” I said forcing a smile “I’ll just be glad when it’s over”

“We’re here” Aj said pulling up to the front of the building. A nurse came to my door and opened it for me while Aj ran around and got my wheel chair. She helped me in and then Aj went to hop back in the car but I grabbed his hand

“Please don’t leave me alone” I said in a panic. All I could see were all the different men I didn’t know and that terrible feeling was growing inside me, reaching its claws from my belly to scrape along my insides, getting more and more traction with each step Aj took away from me.

“Ok. Hey, don’t worry, I’m here” Aj said with a frown taking in my distress in my eyes as well as my tone of voice. He turned to the nurse “Do you have anyone who can park my car?”

“There is no valet service, sir” She said with an attitude

“Ok, then I’ll just get my girlfriend back in the car and we’ll deal with the wheelchair in the parking lot” Aj said staring her down

“It’s not you, I promise” I said touching the woman’s hand. It took me a minute but I realized that the situation made it look like I didn’t trust her to watch over me alone. She seemed a little friendlier after I cleared that up and she ended up offering to walk the chair down to one of the free handicapped spots on the lot. When Aj and I got back into the car he held my hand tightly and I took a few deep breaths

“Is it still hard to see men you don’t know?” He asked while he parked

“Yeah” I said with more than a little shame

“It’s ok precious. We’ll get through it” He said soothingly but behind his kind words was clearly worry. We got into the hospital and to a doctor without too much issue and when it came time for the actual exam there really wasn’t much to it. The doctor poked around my ribs, checked my neck and jaw, and examined my hand before calling out to my physical therapist and introducing us. She was a cute girl around my age and she was very friendly. She gave me a few exercises to do to help re-strengthen the muscles in my hand and then we were done. I took a deep breath, expecting to feel better since the actual appointment was almost over but if anything I was feeling worse. What the heck was going on in my brain? Dr. Lisa came in and consulted with everyone before sitting down with us and I was beginning to feel sick.

“How do I look?” I asked nervously picking at my fingers again to distract myself from my nausea

“You look as good as can be expected. I imagine it’s been hard staying in the chair all the time but things seem to be healing” She said with a genuine smile, like she really hoped to give me some comfort with her words. It probably hadn’t escaped her notice that I was an emotional wreck

“So do I still have to stay in the chair all the time?” I asked slowly

“You know Kat, I trust you. You’re a dancer and dancers are good at reading their bodies. I think it’s time you can start rebuilding your core muscles to help facilitate the ribs as they heal. Slowly” She said emphasizing the last word

“So what does that mean?” Aj asked

“On top of her daily hand exercises I want Kat to try to walk around a bit for very short amounts of time. Start at five minutes the first day, then ten, then fifteen. Don’t go for longer than an hour just yet and if at any time you feel any sort of pain outside of a general muscle soreness you have to sit down right away. Do you understand the difference between a sore muscle feeling and a pain that would indicate you were doing damage?” Dr. Lisa asked directing the last bit to me

“I do” I said with the smallest sliver of hope creeping into my voice. The feeling spread its warm glow through my body and I could almost feel the battle inside me between the hope and the ugly black thing that I had awoken with this morning

“Are you sure it’s not better to just be safe and have her in the chair for a bit longer?” Aj asked with concern. I shot him a look as the bad feeling fought back hard against the hope and he registered it with some defensiveness “I just want you to be ok”

“If Dr. Lisa has faith in me then you can too” I said sharply, speaking more from my bad feeling than from myself

“It’s not that my love. I’m just worried about you” He said with sincerity and I mentally chastised myself. I have to remember that I am not the only one going through a hard time right now. The bad feeling backed down a bit.

“I’m sorry. I know. I’m sorry” I said squeezing his hand

“It’s good to know that Kat has such a good support system at home. Any other questions before I let you go?” Dr. Lisa asked. Aj went to stand but I cleared my throat

“When do you think I could dance again?” I asked quickly before I had quite realized what I had said. With my words came a sudden and obvious realization. The darkness inside me was a response to my being unable to dance. I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone so long without dancing therapeutically and now, with so much mental strife, I was unable to escape into my favorite activity. Even before hearing Dr. Lisa’s answer I felt a sense of relief. Aj, on the other hand, seemed to have caught the feeling I had just subdued as he tensed up next to me and shot me a look

“Well let’s see how small bouts of walking go before we talk about dancing” Dr. Lisa said kindly and I felt my stomach muscles clench

“Please. Dancing is everything to me. Can you give me any sort of timeline?” I asked nervously, knowing if I didn’t get an answer now that I would have to live with that terrible feeling for another week until I could see her again.

“Kat it is really going to depend on your body” Dr. Lisa started but she seemed to see the desperation in my eyes “If all goes well you should be dancing at a moderate level in the next few weeks but nothing too intense for at least a month I’d guess. And it’s only a guess. Things could change”

“I understand that, thank you” I said with a rush of emotion. Tears of happiness and relief welled in my eyes and I cleared my throat before I continued to try and cover my emotion “I just want to make sure I’m in fighting shape by the time the tour starts up again. If I do everything right then that time frame should be right on track. We start rehearsals at the beginning of February and the first show is the 5th of that month”

“I know you’ll do everything right Kat but there is still a chance that your body may not be ready” Dr. Lisa warned

“I know myself and I know my body. I have a strong will. I’ll be ready” I said with confidence, making the final blow to that terrible feeling and enjoying the hope and determination that took its place

“I hope so” Dr. Lisa said cautiously “We’ll see”

“Well thanks for everything Dr. Lisa, we’ll see you next week” Aj said standing and shaking her hand. He went to grab my chair but I shook him off

“I think I’ll do my five minutes of walking right now” I said with a smile, wanting to show that ugly feeling who was boss. I stood carefully and began to take small, slow, careful steps towards the door. With each step my mood lifted and began to soar “Oh, one more question”

“Yes?” Dr. Lisa asked

“Is swimming ok?” I asked thinking longingly of Aj’s heated pool

“In small bouts and as long as you promise to listen to your body and stop when it tells you it has had enough” Dr. Lisa said and a real, genuine smile worked its way across my lips

“I promise” The ride home was liberating for me. Everything was going to work out just perfectly. I’d walk a little and then I’d dance a little and then I’d be back to normal just in time for tour. Aj, however, seemed quiet “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine” He said staring ahead at the traffic in front of him. I wondered at the souring of his mood but I was feeling so much better that I couldn’t really bring myself to worry much about it.

“Can we swim when we get home? Just for a little bit?” I asked happily

“Are you sure you shouldn’t take it easy since you walked all the way to the car?” Aj asked

“That walk didn’t hurt at all! We’ll just swim for a little. Please?” I begged and Aj gave me a half smile

“Ok. Just for a little” He said and I bounced happily in my seat. When we got home Aj helped me up to my room and into my swim suit and I studied myself in the mirror again. I know it was impossible for any real change to occur between this morning and now but somehow, as I swept my eyes up and down the injuries on my body, everything seemed a little less bruised

“Just a little more time” I said to myself, affirming that this whole thing would be over soon

“Hey, do you want me to call Mollee?” Aj asked grabbing his phone as I continued looking myself over in the mirror

“I’ll call” I said grabbing his phone from him and sitting in my chair with it

“No more walking now Kat, you did your five minutes today” Aj warned walking into his closet so he could change

“Ok, I hear you” I yelled to him. Mollee picked up and I began to update her excitedly on the doctor

“Let me talk to her before you hang up!” Aj yelled

“Here, you can have her now” I said wheeling into the closet and seeing him standing in just his swimsuit. All of my emotions were on high and seeing him standing there with no shirt on, the wide expanse of art blossoming over his muscles, was enough to make me want to jump him right there. “Sexy”

“Thanks” He said distractedly. I shook my head to clear it from where it had gotten lost admiring him

“I’m heading down to the pool” I said before wheeling out of the room to recover a bit of my control

“Hey Mollee” Aj said quietly once he was sure he wouldn’t be overheard

“Hey! Sounds like a good doctor visit!” Mollee said excitedly

“Yeah, it was. Listen, Kat thinks she’ll be ready to dance in time for the tour” Aj said with concern

“She told me” Mollee said without too much worry

“Well what is going to happen when she finds out about the decision we all made a few days ago?” Aj asked with growing anxiety

“Aj, she won’t be ready in time so it won’t matter. I know she thinks she is super woman but she is only human. She was badly injured. No dancer can possibly bounce back from that in such a short amount of time and Kat is no exception. Relax” Mollee said and Aj’s annoyance grew

“How can you be so sure? You should have heard her. She said dancing was everything to her. What is she going to say when she finds out-” Aj started but Mollee cut him off

“Aj it is going to be ok. She physically won’t be able to dance so she’ll never have to find out what we did. She’ll need more time to heal and it will seem like everything ended up as a happy coincidence. Really, you can be such a worrier sometimes” Mollee teased

“I guess” Aj said without feeling it. Was he worrying over nothing or was he the only one who was seeing their rash action in a time of stress as the mistake it really was?

“Kat is happy Aj. Just look at her smile and take in all those really remarkable blues her eyes become when she’s feeling good. Focus on that and everything will be fine” Mollee said with confidence

“Ok, I will. Thanks Molls, I’ll see you when you get home” Aj said hanging up the phone. Mollee was so sure everything would be ok. Aj willed himself to adopt the same frame of mind but worry bored its way into every positive thought. Realizing he had been inside for too long contemplating everything, he hurried to grab towels and made his way down the stairs. He walked out to the pool and set the towels on a chair before easing into the water

“Hey grumpy, come here” I said cheerfully from my spot sitting on the steps. If it were up to me I’d be swimming laps but Aj’s stress was getting to me so I figured I’d do my best to ease his tension by not pushing things

“I’m not grumpy” Aj said swimming next to me and resting his head in my lap. I gathered his head up in my arms and kissed his cheek

“Well good because I’m getting better Aj. I’m really getting better!” I said excitedly “Things will be back to normal before you know it”

“I can’t wait” Aj said sincerely before grabbing my good hand and bringing it to his lips

“I love you” I said squeezing him towards me

“I love you” He answered with a genuine smile. Finally!