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Chapter 37

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Six Weeks Later ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Kat, you did such a great job today. Am I correct that you will not be attending the afternoon sessions?” Julie, the head social worker in charge of my file, said kindly as we broke for lunch. Women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds began to splinter off to find their friends and decide where they would be eating lunch. Normally I would be accompanying a small group of the younger girls who always went to the organic restaurant down the street but today I was rushing out the door

“Yeah I have to get to the airport. I’m sorry, I just-” I started but Julie cut me off

“Kat is this something you need to do for yourself, something that will make you happy?” Julie asked with a smile

“Oh God, yes” I said with a laugh

“Then don’t apologize. Never apologize for making yourself happy. Will Aj be on the flight?” She asked with a gleam in her eye

“He will” I said slyly as we made our way towards the door together

“You should bring him to our one-on-one tomorrow. If you’re both comfortable” She suggested

“He’s no stranger to that kind of thing so I can’t see why he wouldn’t want to. You won’t embarrass me, will you?” I joked as we reached my car

“I wouldn’t dream of it” She said sincerely giving me a hug “Have a wonderful afternoon. I know you’ve been looking forward to this for a while”

“I have. Thanks Julie. I’ll see you tomorrow morning” I said giving her a parting squeeze before hopping in the car and turning the radio up. As I drove out I passed my normal lunch group on their way to our restaurant and I gave them a honk and a wave as I drove by. They all shouted luck to me as I sped away, eager to get to the airport with plenty of time to spare. It was no secret to anyone in the program that I was seeing all of the most important people in my life for the first time in six weeks and everyone was so excited for my happiness.

Despite all of my worries the therapy program had been everything I’d needed and more. It was filled with girls who had been through very similar situations to mine and everyone was very supportive of everyone else. When I was new to the program a few of the veterans had taken me under their wing to help me get the hang of things. A lot of those girls had “graduated” or moved on to outpatient counseling so now I was the most veteran person still in the intensive program.

This put me in the perfect position to become the unofficial welcome girl when someone new would show up. It was a title I loved and each time I met a girl and saw the broken look in her eyes it helped me understand a little better how broken I’d been when I had first arrived without even knowing it.

The doctors and staff in the program had completely exceeded my expectations. At first I was in a wing with all female staff, like most newcomers, but now I was in a mixed gender wing and I regularly met with male doctors. Through my program I had slowly become more and more comfortable with the opposite sex, to the point where I was completely capable baring my soul to anyone, regardless of their gender.

Still, the first woman I had spoken with on the phone all those six weeks ago, Julie, was by far my most trusted confidant. She really took my case to heart, it being one of the more intense cases she had, and took great care of me. She knew everything there was to know about me, and then some. It seemed somehow important that she was the one who was now urging me to cycle out of the intensive program to something more casual. She had a lot of faith in the work I was doing and my progress in it. She was also confident that I could move on to outpatient care and “graduate” the program. I, on the other hand, was less sure.

All of that was in the back of my mind today, however, as I sped down the highway towards LAX. This morning before my first therapy session I had gone out and really primped, eager to show everyone how good I looked and felt. I was sporting a new manicure and pedicure, freshly trimmed and layered hair blown into lose curls, new jeans and a new royal blue shirt to match the color my eyes would surely be as soon as I saw everyone.

Mollee and the guys had been really good about calling every night. They gathered after every show and would pass the phone around so I could speak with everyone. For Howie and Brian it was more talking than I had done with them when I was on tour so our relationships seemed to have grown even deeper in my absence.

Nick and Mollee were always comforting and silly, their love blossoming as Mollee finally lived her life separate from mine. She’d never admit it but I think having to worry so much about me had kept her from offering everything she had to Nick. With me in this program and doing so well, however, she finally found the freedom to let go of all the baggage she had taken on from everything I’d been through. I was starting to see a much happier and more loving Mollee.

Of course talking with Aj on the phone was always bittersweet. He would update me on his life and I would do the same but in the end we both would end up only half comforted. Sometimes it is hard to have a small piece of someone you love, maybe even harder than not having any of them at all. No matter what it’s never enough.

But none of that mattered as I parked my car in the short term parking lot and full out ran into the airport. The guys’ plane wasn’t supposed to land for another 20 minutes but I couldn’t help rushing past the different airline kiosks to the closest spot behind the stanchions that I could find. Once the other passengers got off the plane the Backstreet security would come and make sure all of the fans were behind these stanchions and when they saw me they’d let me through. For now, though, I was just one of many excited girls waiting to see the Backstreet Boys’ return to the US after six long weeks of touring in Asia.

As the time ticked by the space around me became more and more cramped with fans waiting to meet the boys. Their excited chatter only fueled my nerves as I took out my compact for about the sixtieth time to check my hair and makeup

“Kat?” I heard behind me and I turned faster than was probably necessary and thus almost threw myself off balance and into a girl looking up at me with big, brown doe eyes

“Yes?” I asked trying to search my memory to see if I knew this girl

“Oh it is you! I knew it! See Lily, I told you it was Kat! Hi! I’m Ally!” The girl said excitedly offering her hand to me after sweeping a lock of strawberry blonde hair behind her ear

“Hi Ally. Are you waiting to see the boys?” I asked politely holding back a giggle. Being recognized was something that had only happened a handful of times since I’d started dating Aj but it was becoming a more and more frequent occurrence. It still made me feel really awkward.

“Of course! Why are you waiting here with us?” She asked sweetly

“I can’t think of anywhere else to go, honestly” I said with a smile and she laughed

“Well, we’ll make sure you stay safe. We’re big fans” She said and then brought her voice down to a whisper “And some of these girls are crazy”

“Well thank you, I appreciate it” I said. Then, like it was in slow motion, I heard the first scream from next to me. Ally and Lily’s eyes got big and then they joined in the cheering. I turned in time to see Q and the rest of the Backstreet security team station themselves along the line of stanchions and my heart began leaping out of my chest. The girls around me closed ranks and began pushing and vying for the best spots. I tried to catch Q’s eye but he was completely in work mode, sweeping the area for anything out of control and making sure everything was up to code. Then the other passengers began to exit the plane and I had a hard time not screaming in excitement along with the other girls

“How are you going to get to him?” Lily asked loudly over the screaming as I contemplated the same thing

“Don’t worry, we’ve got your back” Ally said with wink to Lily who nodded. I turned back to the gate and my eyes met with the only other pair of eyes in the world that mattered. He dropped his luggage and a huge smile came to his face just as Lilly and Ally body checked the girls in front of me so I could hop through the line and duck under the stanchion. My world began to re-align and everything froze as I dodged security guards who obviously didn’t recognize me.

Aj ran as fast as he could towards me and we collided like separated magnets that had finally been released to succumb to their natural state of togetherness. Tears came to my eyes as Aj swung me around and then pressed his lips to mine. I only barely registered the cat calls from around us as we made out hungrily, grabbing every piece of each other we could get a hold of

“Alright, alright, lets save some of it for home” I heard Nick behind me and I felt Aj smirk against my lips. He brought me slowly down to the ground but I kept my eyes locked on his taking in their color and their warmth. No matter how much you try to make a mental picture of things like that, nothing can compare to the original in front of you

“What, no love for your sister?” Mollee asked and I ripped my eyes from Aj to give her a huge hug “You look amazing Kat!”

“You look exhausted!” I said taking in her tour tired eyes. I remembered feeling that way after a long flight and she punched me in the arm

“Jerk” She said but her smile could have filled the room.

“Katrina Rose you are a sight for sore eyes!” I heard from behind me as Howie made his way off of the plane. I moved eagerly to him and embraced him in a huge hug. He returned it in kind and when we pulled back he was smiling wide “You look amazing”

“Thanks Howie, you too!” I said pulling his jacket back straight over his shoulders after our hug had skewed it. We were standing there grinning like idiots at each other when a blurry figure came at me from the side and suddenly I was in the air squealing like a little girl

“PRINCESS!” Brian yelled throwing me over his shoulder and parading me around the room. I blushed crimson and hid my face in his shoulder

“Brian you put me down or there will be hell to pay!” I whispered in his ear

“Yes ma’am” He said playing up his country drawl and lowering me to the floor. He took my face in his hand and began turning it at all angles, examining me

“What on Earth are you doing?” I asked through a giggle

“Making sure you’ve survived without me. It’s really hard to live without all of this” He said motioning to his body “when you’ve become accustomed to it. Once you go Brian you never go…lion?”

“Spyin’?” I offered with a laugh

“Ooh I like that one” He said pulling me into a sincere hug “Missed you princess”

“I missed you too Brian”

“Can I get a hug?” Nick asked pushing his way in. I jumped up and he caught me in a hug that allowed me to rest my head on his shoulder, albeit with my feet a full foot off of the ground “I think you’ve shrunk”

“Must be getting rid of all of that baggage” I said allowing him to place me back on the ground “How’s my sister been?”

“Pretty awesome, actually. I love the heck outta that girl” Nick said with a glance at Mollee who was gabbing with Aj. The pure love and adoration in his look warmed my heart

“Me too” I said giving him another hug

“I’m happy to see you Kat. Any chance we could move this out of the airport and into a van?” Q asked coming up behind Nick and I

“Of course! Sorry Q. I just need to get the guys to do one thing, ok?” I asked and Q nodded before giving some signal to the other members of Backstreet security

“What do you need?” Nick asked and I scanned the crowd for Ally and Lily

“I’ve got some big fans you need to meet” I said pulling Nick and signaling for everyone else to follow. When the guys approached the stanchion I had been behind the fans surrounding it began to scream and push but I motioned to Q and pointed Ally and Lily out to him. He helped get them to the front and they both looked completely star struck

“Who do we have here?” Aj asked resuming his place at my side and taking my hand tightly in his

“These girls took care of me while I was waiting for you. They are HUGE fans” I said and Lily and Ally nodded solemnly

“Well, what are your names?” Howie started. I stepped back a bit to let the girls have their moment with the boys. After a few minutes and some pictures and signatures Q was getting really antsy and was moving to heard us all out of there

“Thanks so much Kat!” Ally yelled as I started to walk away

“No, thank you girls!” I yelled back giving them a wave before running to catch up with the guys. Aj turned as I approached and held open his arms for me to jump into. I squealed as he caught me and threw me over his shoulder in a fireman carry. He marched me like that away from Howie and Brian who were waving goodbye as they went to catch their connections back East, away from Nick and Mollee who were fussing over fitting their belongings into their rental car, and out of the airport to our own van which had already been packed with his suitcases.

Someone was driving that van, I’m sure of it, but I didn’t see anything but Aj’s eyes from the backseat where he deposited me. I’m sure there was traffic of some sort between LAX and the house but I was completely lost in the man I love as we touched the exposed parts of one another and enjoyed the feeling of the close contact. The driver most likely unpacked Aj’s belongings and brought them to the front of the house for us before driving off, but all I knew was Aj was carrying me in his arms, locking the door behind him and marching me to his bedroom. When we were there he threw me on the bed and then launched himself on top of me as I dissolved in giggles

“Good to be home?” I asked as he whipped my shirt over my head and began to hungrily kiss my belly

“You have no idea” He said with a smoldering look that left me breathless before removing all the articles of clothing that separated us.

Time passed after that moment but I was lost in the most blissful haze of pleasure that only lifted slightly when I found myself naked and wrapped in a bed sheet starting into the eyes I had dreamed of every night for the past six weeks. I grinned at Aj as I came down a bit from my pleasure high and he grinned back goofily

“Hi” I said tilting my forehead so it touched his

“Hey” He answered planting a light kiss on my lips

“Let’s never be away from each other for that long again, ok?”

“I agree. But the reunion part hasn’t been so bad thus far” Aj joked

“Not so bad, huh? I was going to go with pretty fucking amazing…”

“Well, yeah, you know, that too” Aj said with a laugh that I shared “Damn it’s late”

“Oh crap, really?” I said looking over to my phone and seeing 2:00 blink at me. But that wasn’t late… unless it was 2:00 in the morning? I glanced out of Aj’s window wall and saw pitch blackness answer my question

“What time is your session tomorrow?” Aj asked through a yawn

“9:00. You’re invited, by the way”

“Really? Is that ok?” He asked searching my eyes

“Yeah. It’ll be cool to show you the place and the people I’ve been talking about. I know Julie is dying to meet you” I said before kissing his forehead. If too much time went by without our lips touching it seemed there was a force that closed the distance. It was so good to have him back in my arms!

“If you want me there of course I’ll be there. I wonder what Julie will think of me”

“She’ll love you because I love you and she loves me. It’s a really great place, you’ll like it, I know you will” I gushed

“Well then let’s get some sleep so I don’t get in trouble for bringing you there exhausted” Aj said pulling me into his arms

“Yes sir!” I joked intertwining my limbs with his until we were one pile of indistinguishable body parts wrapped up into one.

The next morning came way too quickly for either Aj’s or my liking but we relished in waking up next to each other and took the little time we had in the morning to wash each other in the shower. It was sexy and sensual and it made it really hard to leave on time but we managed it. Still, as we were pulling up to the facility we had to hastily park and jog in hand in hand to make sure we weren’t late. I was so excited to introduce Julie to Aj that I didn’t think twice about detouring in the direction of the cafeteria with him by my side when I heard my name being called.

“TREE!” I heard loudly before a swirl of dark hair appeared at my side and a small pair of arms wrapped around my waist. I let go of Aj’s hand to return the hug before pulling back to see a grinning face and a wild pair of hazel eyes

“Zo! How are you lady?” I asked with a grin

“I’m alright. You know. Hanging in. You seem happy” Zoe answered looking me over. Zoe had arrived at the clinic about two weeks ago. She had been in rough shape emotionally and physically when she had come but she was slowly turning into a person again. In my role as unofficial program welcoming committee I had been one of the first people she had opened up to and we had grown pretty close in the short time she had been here

“I am. Zo, this is my boyfriend Aj” I said taking a step back so Aj was in full view. He offered his hand but Zoe’s eyes got big and she began to back away

“I-I-I can’t” She stuttered and I gave myself a mental shove for being so insensitive

“Zo I’m so sorry. Come here, you’re fine” I said wrapping my arms around her as she froze solid. Even though Zoe was in a section of the building where both men and women worked, she was still getting through her aversion to men, especially those who looked like her attacker. I’d never seen pictures of the guy who had hurt her but it seemed from Zoe’s reaction that Aj must have a resembling quality or two. I should have known better than to spring him on her like that.

I watched as the light retreated from her eyes and she stood deathly still in front of me. Another thing I had learned in my time here was that there were lots of different ways to have a panic attack. Zoe’s particular poison involved completely shutting out everything and retreating into her head by freezing like a stick.

Luckily, I had been around her long enough to know how to bring her back. I grabbed her hand which had balled in a fist and began prying her fingers apart, forcing her body to accept the stimulus from the outside world. From there I moved her arms and then forced her legs to separate into a wider stance. I began talking to her then, using phrases from the program as I rubbed warmth into the different parts of her body.

“Should I go?” Aj asked with panic beside me

“No, no, it’s ok. It was my fault but it’s going to be ok. Stay” I said giving him a reassuring look. After a few moments the color began to return to Zoe’s cheeks and her eyelids fluttered

“Shit” She said quietly

“I’m so sorry” I said meeting her eyes dead on “But you’re ok, right? Look at you. You survived”

“His tattoos” She said by way of explanation. To me, Aj’s appearance had always been a friendly one. Looking at him now from Zoe’s standpoint however, I could see how she might interpret him as threatening force

“They look tough but when you take a closer look it’s the silliest things” I whispered in her ear and watched as her eyes began to take Aj in with a little more detail “Come here love”

“Are you sure?” Aj answered shakily “I don’t want to make anyone upset”

“I’m sure. Just give me your hand” I said grabbing his hand before he could decide one way or the other. I nudged him behind me so all Zoe could see was my face and body but I pulled Aj’s hand between us. I flipped it palm up and then pointed to his index finger “A violin”

“Why?” Zoe asked taking in the tattoo

“So I can play the smallest violin in the world for people’s insignificant troubles” Aj joked behind me before rubbing his thumb to his index finger and making a creaky violin sound. Zoe let out a little laugh and I smiled pulling Aj’s arm further between us and thus pulling the rest of his body right up against my back. I showed the under part of his forearm to Zoe and she giggled

“Betty Boop?” She asked meeting Aj’s eyes over my shoulder

“She’s a looker, what can I say?” Aj confessed causing us all to laugh

“If I show you one more, do you promise not to get so overwhelmingly turned on that you try to steal my man?” I asked with a grin

“It happens a lot” Aj joked and I elbowed him in the stomach

“I promise” Zoe said with a glint of mischief in her eye. All remnants of her panic attack were gone and I smiled wide at her. I moved my body to the side and then slid Aj’s shirt discreetly up to expose his belly button and my personal favorite tattoo

“My favorite number” Aj chuckled sexily as Zoe’s eyes widened to take in the 69 around his belly button

“Wow. Ok. That’s hot” She admitted. I dropped his shirt and took a step back again so I was no longer between them “Sorry I freaked out. I’m Zoe”

“Aj” He said tentatively offering his hand which Zoe took with a firm grip and a smile “And don’t worry. I’ve seen worse”

“Thanks” I said sarcastically

“Hey, want to get something to eat?” Zoe asked giving Aj a full body sweep with her eyes. I smirked and took Aj’s hand

“You promised you wouldn’t try to steal my man, jerk” I joked sticking my tongue out at her

“Don’t you have an appointment with Julie?” Zoe teased back

“Oh crap! Come on J!” I said pulling him down the hallway and breaking into a sprint

“BYE TREE!” Zoe yelled to my back

“Tree?” Aj asked catching up with me easily as we approached a door with “Dr. Julie Clee” engraved in a gold nameplate

“Nick name. Ka- TREE – na” I explained and Aj giggled as I knocked at the door before barging in “Julie I’m so sorry, I saw Zoe and she wanted to meet Aj but then he triggered her, by accident of course, and we had to stay to settle her down-”

“Katrina. Helping a friend is a fine reason for being late. Your apology is appreciated but unnecessary. I imagine she was saving the day?” Julie said directing the question to Aj

“Pretty much” He answered with a shrug

“She does that a lot around here, especially for the new girls. Come on in you two” Julie said with a smile

“Julie this is Aj” I said sheepishly ushering him into the room and closing the door

“It’s a pleasure to meet you” Aj said holding out his hand which Julie shook before pulling him into a hug

“We’re big huggers around here” Julie explained before pointing us both to a comfortable tan couch. The room that held the three of us would look pretty ordinary to the average person but to me it was nothing short of a sanctuary. Plants adorned the window sill that grew lavishly from the California sun. Next to the door was a desk that held a large number of books and a few trinkets, one of which, I recognized with a smile, I had given Julie way back in early February when I had made my first big breakthrough. It was nothing big, just a reproduction of starry night, but it had meant a lot to that time and place and it warmed my heart to see it displayed so prominently on Julie's desk.

Across from the couch was a comfortable recliner that Julie perched on and hanging on the wall behind her head was a picture I spent much of my time in here pondering. It was made of multiple black lines intersecting at odd angles but the image itself was of a figure at the opening of a dark tunnel. Or at least that’s what it looked like to me. “You’re full of thought Katrina, what’s on your mind?”

“Oh. I was just taking in your picture as usual. It seems to change every time I’m in here” I said taking Aj’s hand for some extra support

“A lot of you girls see it differently. I’m curious, what does it look like to you today?”

“I see a person standing at the end of a tunnel. It’s hard to say if they are looking back into it or out at us” I said turning my head a little

“Interesting. Do you happen to remember what you thought it was like when you first came here?” Julie asked resting her head on her hand

“I was really anxious that day. I can’t say I remember much”

“You said it looked like the person was about to fall into a deep chasm. Like they were teetering on the edge” She said with a small grin

“I see where you’re going with this”

“Aj, how does Katrina seem to you?” Julie asked changing gears but giving me a wink in the process

“Honestly? She looks amazing. I mean, she’s always been amazing to me but it’s like she’s so… I don’t know… free?” Aj said causing me to blush a little. He squeezed my hand and I met his eyes which were filled with pride

“How does it feel hearing him say that Katrina?” Julie asked and I answered without looking away from Aj’s eyes

“Amazing”

“Aj, I have to admit, I have ulterior motives behind my inviting you to the session today. I wanted to meet you, of course, but I also wanted to enlist your help” Julie explained

“Oh?” Aj asked tearing his eyes from mine to meet Julie’s

“Katrina is kind of the star of this program. Not only has she come leaps and bounds in a fairly short amount of time but she has made it her personal crusade to help the other girls along. And she’s extraordinary at it”

“That’s my girl” Aj said giving me a quick kiss on the top of the head

“Unfortunately she’s having some trouble coming to terms with being at the end of her time here in the intensive unit. She’s shown she is more than capable of surviving healthily in her world and it is my firm belief that she should cycle into our outpatient program with weekly sessions to check in. In other words, I’d like her to return to her life” Julie explained. Aj looked at me and I could tell he was trying to read my emotions through my eyes

“What’s going precious?” He asked stroking the back of my hand tenderly with his thumb “Don’t you think you’re ready?”

“Aj I was a disaster before. I was sabotaging my own life and poisoning the lives around me, including yours. I just want to be sure that I’m not going to fall into old patterns now that you’re back. I just… I don’t want to hurt you again. I couldn’t bear it”

“Want to know something I’ve never really talked much about before?” Aj asked grabbing my other hand so he could turn me to face his eyes head on “I didn’t want to leave my rehab program when I was finishing up either”

“Didn’t you miss your family? Your freedom?” I asked incredulously

“Of course I did. But I also knew that they were safer with me at a distance. Or at least, that’s what thought I knew. It took being forced to leave for me to realize that I wasn’t trying to protect my loved ones from me; I was trying to protect me from my life. I knew the press, the stress of my job and the expectations from the guys would all be waiting for me and I didn’t want to leave the safety of a world I could understand and control” Aj explained

“That sounds familiar” Julie said with a small laugh

“You have to be brave Kat. You have to trust the work you’ve done and know that we all have your back, even if you slip up” Aj said squeezing my hands tightly. I looked over to Julie but she just shrugged

“It’s your choice Kat. Unlike Aj’s facility, we will never force you to leave. We are here until you decide you are ready to move on” Julie explained

“I want to move on but I just don’t think I’m ready” I admitted

“Kat I have a suggestion. You aren’t going to like it and I know that Aj’s really not going to like it but it’s something that has helped other girls in your position for a long time”

“Why am suddenly terrified?” I joked halfheartedly

“Kat, I think you should go see Rich” Julie said slowly

“WHAT?!” Aj and I both reacted strongly and at the same time

“Until you see him for what he really is he will always have this hold over you. I think seeing him face to face would be enough for you to really get some closure. I think in facing him you will find the courage to leave him behind you and fully embrace your life” Julie explained calmly

“I’m sorry but I think that’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard” Aj said hotly and I couldn’t help but laugh at the look that crossed Julie’s face. Aj noticed and amended “I really don’t mean to insult you”

“No love, she’s not mad about that, she just really doesn’t like when people apologize” I explained and Julie nodded

“What do you think Katrina?” Julie asked and I thought hard

“Nothing in me wants to see him. A part of me is terrified I’ll have a panic attack and I haven’t had one in three whole weeks so I don’t want to break that record. That same part of me feels like I’ll somehow undo all the work we’ve done if I see him again” I said and then I met Julie’s eyes and she seemed to see my next sentence before it came out of my mouth because she began to nod even before I spoke “But there’s a part of me that knows I have to do it if I’m that scared of it”

“Think it over. Spend some time with Aj, talk it over with your sister and your friends, and give me a call if you need me” Julie said standing “You should probably take the afternoon off again. I’m sure you two are just dying to spend more time together”

“I suppose the group will live without me for one more day” I said standing as well and pulling Aj up next to me

“The group loves you Kat but they want you to move on. I think they would be very in favor of anything that would help you to find closure” Julie said and I nodded

“I hear you, I hear you”

“Ok. I’ll stop nagging. Have a nice afternoon and I’ll see you tomorrow” Julie said hugging me and then Aj before walking us to the door. We said our goodbyes and then walked in silence towards the car

“Are you ok?” Aj asked once we had reached the car

“I am. It’s just a lot to think about” I said opening the door and climbing in

“Well I’m here for you 100% now. You can use me in whatever way you need” Aj said sincerely and a sly smile made its way across my face

“Get me home and I’m sure I’ll think of some way to use you” I said seductively. Aj’s eyes smoldered and I took a deep breath. Big decisions needed to be made but right now I had a very attractive distraction.