Chapter 38
“Are you 100% sure you want to do this? We can still turn around. It’s not too late” Aj asked suddenly jumping in front of me. We were walking up a long cement walkway in some unseasonably cold weather for spring in LA. Ahead of us was a behemoth of a building, stereotypical in the bars on the windows and barbed wire around the property but oddly non-descript. It honestly reminded me a little of the elementary school I attended in New Hampshire.
“No, of course I don’t really want to do this. But I trust Julie. If she thinks I need this to finally put everything behind me then I’m going to do it. Even if I really, REALLY don’t want to” I said wearily pushing past Aj and continuing the slow, cold march up towards the double-paned glass doors of the LA Correctional Facility.
“Sorry. That was a stupid question” Aj said catching up to me. I gave him a look and he smirked
“Oops. I’m terrible at not apologizing. What is it I’m supposed to do? Oh. I said that because I really don’t want to go through with this”
“Good job. Julie will be so proud” I said grabbing Aj’s hand as we approached the doors. We stood there, staring at the reflections of ourselves in the doors, neither of us willing to take the next step of actually opening them and entering the visitor’s entrance. I looked myself up and down. Maybe to the average person I might look the same as I had this time last year when I was getting ready to audition to tour and fulfill a dream my sister had from her youth. To me, however, I saw a person who finally felt comfortable in her skin, was confident that while she would make mistakes she would be able to fix them and who had the best support system in the world in place to help keep her balanced.
I glanced at Aj’s reflection and I had to smile in spite of myself. There was my partner, the most important man in my life who had stood by me through my best and my worst. Even though we were in a very stressful situation I couldn’t help but feel my heart swell as I took in how adorable he looked with his cold weather gear “We really should move to New Hampshire eventually”
“Why?” Aj asked startled out of his own contemplations
“You’re just so damn attractive rocking all those cold weather accessories” I said eyeing his outfit. I took in his fuzzy grey skull cap, sunglasses, tan scarf, fitted rocker leather jacket and fingerless red and black checkered gloves with appreciation
“If I’m too attractive you could do something to me in the car and we could forget this whole thing” Aj said half joking. I rolled my eyes at him, took a deep breath, and pulled open the door.
Inside the visitor’s center there were some hard plastic chairs and a tan floor that was almost too shiny. Everything was pale and bleak and the overhead fluorescents really gave the whole place an institutional feel. I walked up to the desk where an overweight woman in gray sat with a scowl and a clipboard
“Name” She bleated in monotone
“Blackwell. Katrina Blackwell” I said trying to keep the shaking out of my tone
“You?” She bleated again pointing a chewed pen at Aj
“Alexander McLean” He said with conviction. Now that we were inside he had taken up the roll of strong supporter with gusto. He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently
“Fill these out” She said thrusting clipboards at the both of us. We sat quickly and skimmed the rules about no jewelry or food or weapons. I nudged Aj and pointed to one of the bullet points regarding no gang affiliated tattoos and he let out a little laugh before pulling his scarf up higher on his neck. His tattoos had nothing to do with gangs but we wanted to make sure there were as few issues as possible getting into the facility. The reason for being here was hard enough as it was.
“Here you go” I said brightly returning the signed paperwork to the lady at the window. I tried to smile politely at her but she was having none of it. She eyed me over her glasses and then slid two badges that said “Visitor” towards Aj and I. We clipped them to our coats and she buzzed a guard to escort us into the next room. There we were sent through metal detectors, patted down and asked a series of questions that restated the rules of what was and was not allowed in the building. Finally we were led down a dark hallway with tiny windows way up next to the tall ceilings. We were sat in a cubical with two chairs that faced a double pain of glass with a speaker in the middle
“No touching. No yelling. No passing anything. If the conversation gets heated we will escort all of you out. Got it?” The correctional officer on our side of the glass barked
“Yes” I answered quietly
“Yes sir” Aj answered grabbing my hand tightly. Suddenly another correctional officer appeared on the other side of the glass and our officer nodded to him. He left as swiftly as he had come.
“You from Peace Over Violence?” The officer on our end said softly leaning down towards my ear opposite from the side Aj was sitting
“Yes” I said quietly. He let out a short breath
“Stay strong. Let me know if you need to leave. If he gets out of hand we will handle it” He said kindly. I turned to look in his eyes and he gave me a small smile before straightening back up and putting on his tough face. I glanced at Aj and he raised an eyebrow at me before turning his attention back to the glass and what was beyond it. The door opened just then and the face that had haunted my dreams for so long appeared. He was handcuffed and wearing orange but it was him and my blood ran cold. Aj squeezed my hand so hard that I thought he might break it but I couldn’t let go of him. The officer across the glass sat him down and then stood right behind him with a nod to our officer.
“I can’t say I expected this” Rich said leaning in closer to the glass. I held my breath and waited for my heart rate to accelerate or my palms to sweat or my breathing to come in fast and short but moment after moment passed and none of those things happened. Instead my focus remained clear and even Aj’s grip on my hand began to relax. I took a deep breath and looked over the man that had terrorized my life in one way or another for the past four years.
Had prison made him that skinny or was he always like that? I allowed my eyes to follow the contours of his frame, from his sweaty, pale, balding scalp to his pointed bony nose, down past his sharply protruding collar bones to the orange jumpsuit that was not enough to mask his flat, shapeless chest. His grey eyes met mine and I expected to feel hate or fear or some strong emotion but instead I felt a strange sense of pity. This poor excuse for a man. This is what I had been so afraid of?
In that moment something inside me disappeared. It was something I hadn’t realized I had been clinging to but in its absence I finally noticed it. Rich would be in this sad, pathetic, stupid place for the rest of his life while I…got to live. I looked to Aj and he looked to me and a smile began to form at my lips. Across that glass sat my past. Next to me sat my future. I took one last look at Rich and shook my head before standing and pulling Aj up with me
“I’m good to go” I said to my officer who nodded and opened the door for me. Without a backward glance I marched out of that cubical, down the hall, and out to the visitor’s entrance. Aj and I deposited our passes at the front desk and I gave the lady a final smile before turning and heading out the door. The cold air hit me bringing color to my nose and cheeks and I stopped for a moment to look around. Nothing was different and yet everything was.
“Are you ok?” Aj asked catching up to me quietly and standing at my side. I met his eyes and saw in them what I always had. Truth. Love. Beauty. The immense power to do good. I grabbed his hand and thrilled in the contact, even through the gloves. A smile bounced from my lips to his as we took a deep breath in unison.
“Yeah. I’m good”
Author's Chapter Notes:
The facility Kat receives treatment in is a real place! If you or anyone you know ever finds themselves in a situation where they need help, particularly with abuse or sexual assault, check out this awesome organization. No one should have to suffer in silence. There is help out there. http://peaceoverviolence.org/
Chapter End Notes:
Well my friends, that's all she wrote! And by she, I mean me! Thanks for taking this journey with Kat, Aj and I. It's been such a blast creating this world and all of you who have read and reviewed mean so much to me. Keep your eyes peeled for a BRAND NEW story in the next week or so. You all have got me hooked!
