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Chapter 4

After an hour involving showering, shaving, perfuming, make up, many hair products and some fashion tips from Mollee and Sophie, I was ready for Aj. I was wearing a pair of tight dark blue jeans with brown suede boots that zipped up to my knee and had a sexy heel. My shirt was emerald green and left my shoulders bare. It had tiny slashes all down the side that made it really provocative and strips of fabric that fell delicately over my upper arm. My hair was down and straight, framing my face and I had some silver earrings and a matching necklace with flower accents to pull it all together. My make up was light and natural with lots of peaches and browns. I applied some lip gloss and grabbed Aj’s jacket that he had left with me last night. I reached for the handle of the bus and was caught off guard when it opened before I could push it.

“Wow” Aj said standing outside the bus with his hand on the doorknob. He had on a black t-shirt with an army green short sleeved button up over it with the middle button buttoned. He had his usual faded jeans and checkered converse and of course, a black pageboy hat. I grinned at the look on his face as he took me in.

“Wow to you too” I said with a shy smile. Mollee was behind me in an instant

“Not too late, we have rehearsal tomorrow. Call me if you’re not coming home” She said sternly as I rolled my eyes.

“Ok mom, I’ll see you later” I said as Aj took my hand and helped me down the steps from the bus

“Take care of my girl Aj” Mollee yelled to our backs

“Always” He yelled back to her as we heard the door shut behind us. He walked me in silence to his bus which looked the same on the outside as ours did. “Welcome to my humble abode”

“Why thank you” I said as Aj opened the door for me. I stepped inside and took in my surroundings. The front was set up like ours with the couch and the kitchenette but the back behind that just opened up into a huge room with a king sized bed and monster TV. The hallway where our bunks were on the dancers bus opened into large closets instead. I noticed he had stairs to a second floor and saw it seemed like it had the same layout as our second floor. I could see how this would be a very comfortable way to tour for one person. “It looks great”

“It works for the road” Aj said shutting and locking the door behind us. He sat me on the couch and plopped down eagerly across from me, studying my eyes. “We’re finally alone”

“Finally” I said with a grin. He took my hand and I leaned across towards him so our faces were almost touching. I took a deep breath. “Ok. Don’t move or anything”

“I couldn’t if I wanted to” He said with a smirk as I let my lips brush his. It was a short and sweet kiss, but everything I’d been longing for all day. I tilted my head down and let my forehead rest on his as I broke away and let out a small laugh

“I knew I could do it” I said as he smiled

“Ok. Now put my hands where you want them” Aj said seductively as I arched my eyebrows. “For a kiss, I mean for a kiss, where can I put my hands”

“Dirty mind, sorry. Ok. Umm here and here” I said placing one hand on the back of my head and other hand on my waist. He gripped my hair a little and gave me a questioning look.

“Is it ok if I end up grabbing here? I may, it’s hard to control myself around you sometimes” He said and I answered him by pushing my lips against his. His hand did tighten, holding my head, making sure I wouldn’t pull away. His hand on my hip tensed a little in pleasure as I ran my own fingers through his hair and slowly let his tongue into my mouth. The feeling of warmth and connection was overpowering and I was putty in his arms. The other feeling that started to creep up, however, was one of a slow panic. I felt it coming and groaned as I forced myself to pull away. “You ok? Is everything Ok?”

“Yeah it was great. It just got a little intense.” I said not backing away enough so that I couldn’t lean my forehead on his, just enough so that I could breathe and compose myself.

“Why don’t we slow down a little” Aj suggested as I looked away. It was embarrassing being so broken. “Hey, it’s ok. I like you a lot. We can go as slow as you need”

“I’m sorry you have to” I said quietly as he sighed

“I hate that you get so down on yourself. I don’t know what it is that was so horrible in your past that it does this to you but I do know that you are essentially a strong woman. It must have been awful. I also know is that it wasn’t your fault and nothing that happens as a result is your fault either so I wish you’d stop blaming yourself.”

“But it is partially my fault. I let him in. I let it get that bad. I keep it with me…” I started tearing up

“Hey. Come on. Come here” Aj said pulling me into a hug “If you want to talk, I’m here. But if you can’t yet, I understand. You are a wonderful person Kat. You hear me?”

“I hear you” I said quietly, leaning into his chest.

“How about we figure out what food to get?” Aj suggested as I nodded. “What do you think, Chinese, Thai or sushi? I’m in the mood for something like that. What about you?”

“Thai. Pineapple fried rice is one of my favorite dishes in the world” I said

“Thai it is” Aj said grabbing the phone with one hand while still holding me with the other. I tried to get my head on straight as he ordered the food. I can do this. I can trust him. I can let him in. “You still with me?”

“Yeah, sorry, sometimes I have to mantra to myself to stay focused and not slip back into everything” I explained as he pulled me gently towards him so I could lay my head on his chest

“What kind of mantra were you just doing?” He asked. Somehow talking without having his eyes directly on me was allowing me to be more honest.

“I can trust him. I can let him in. Repeat until insane” I said quietly as he sighed

“You can you know”

“My heart knows. I’m just trying to convince my head”

“The other guy did some real damage, huh?” Aj asked

“Yeah I feel like I’m constantly on edge, looking over my shoulder, making sure he’s not going to pop up behind me and keep all his promises” I said with my eyes closed. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and clutched my sides until it ached. It helped me remember that I was a whole person and that I was real.

“Keep his promises?”

“He promised he’d finish the job. Be back” I started then stopped. This sounded so over dramatic. “Kill me”

The silence grew long after those words and I took a deep breath in and held it. Slowly and carefully Aj maneuvered me so I was in his lap, looking up at him.

“As long as I am living and as long as you let me, I’ll be an extra pair of eyes. I won’t let anyone sneak up on you. I won’t let anyone hurt you”

“Thank you” I said softly as his sad eyes met mine. He kissed my nose lightly and let me settle back into his chest, looking away from his face. This was all so crazy. I’d met this man a little over a week ago and here we were kissing and I was about to tell him my darkest secret. The craziest thing about it was that it didn’t feel odd. Somehow I felt that I’d known Aj all my life.

“How did it start?” Aj asked quietly. I guess this story had to be told. It was now or never.

“I met him a few years ago. Rich” I said the name and I could hear all the pain even in my own voice and felt Aj twitch nervously in reaction to it “He was a normal guy. He was much more into me than I was him but he was cute and I figured I’d take a chance. He was nice. He was willing to do anything for me. We started out fairly normal”

“How long did that last?” Aj asked prompting me to keep going, knowing that if I stopped I may never start again. But I had made up my mind to tell him the whole story. It was important that he understand exactly what happened to me to make me the way that I am.

“It lasted about a year. For me the change in him was sudden but my sister and my friends tell me that it was gradual. He started wanting to spend more and more time with me. He didn’t want me seeing my male friends. He called a lot. Showed up randomly to check up on what I was doing. In my view he was being protective because he loved me so much. My sister saw the creep he was becoming. One day she surprised me and took me on a camping trip in the Adirondacks. I didn’t know about it so I couldn’t tell him about it. We got back at the end of the weekend and he was at my house. He grabbed me hard and pushed me against the car. He said he couldn’t stand not knowing where I was. That was the first time he hit me”

“Oh God” Aj let slip as I felt the tension build in his body.

“It wasn’t bad at first. It wasn’t like he used all his strength or even closed his fist. I figured it was a fluke. Mollee knew it was a warning. She tried to get me to end it with him. We had lost our parents so recently and had both finished school. We’d always talked about moving somewhere we could both pursue careers in dance. We could go and never look back. But I still loved him. I see the best in people and it made me blind to the worst him.” I stopped, needing a moment to compose myself. I buried my head in Aj’s chest and he wrapped his arms tightly around me.

“It’s ok. You’re safe here. You’re safe with me” He said quietly stroking my back. I swallowed.

“It got worse pretty quickly. He wouldn’t let me see Mollee when he found out that she was trying to convince me to leave him. Mollee was and is all that I have. Without her, he was my whole life. We’d spend weeks alone at a time and naturally would begin to get on each other’s nerves. That’s when it got bad. Every little thing would set him off. He’d drop a plate and I’d get pushed into a wall. He’d spill a beer, I’d get tripped. One night something I said got to him, I don’t even remember what it was and he went crazy and hit me so hard I lost consciousness. I woke up and he was next to me, apologizing with an engagement ring. But at that point I knew enough was enough. I tried to leave him. That’s when he locked me in his room. I was there for two days. He’d come in and beat me up and then leave and then come back and beat me up some more. That night was the worst. I thought he was going to kill me. He said he was going to. I think he would have if Mollee hadn’t gotten worried and called the police. They came in right as I lost consciousness. I was in the hospital for a week. I couldn’t dance for a few months. We moved as soon as we could to NYC. I never pressed charges so he’s still out there…” I trailed off

“You never pressed charges?” Aj asked quietly, careful not to judge.

“Something inside me couldn’t do it. It is probably a sign of how badly he hurt me mentally. I know I don’t love him but I couldn’t bring myself to end his life by putting him behind bars. I’m a mess” I said as tears started pouring down my face. Aj held me close to him and I soaked his shirt with my tears.

“I am so sorry. It’s such a stupid thing to say but it’s all I can manage. I am so sorry” Aj repeated over and over as he rocked me. Reliving the whole incident was harder than I thought it was going to be and I was unprepared for the tears and anguish that began to pour out of me. Aj sensed that I was not going to be able to calm down by myself so he held me tighter and began to softly sing.

“Got a million reasons to run and hide, I don’t blame you for being scared. About a novel long, all the pain that he’s caused you baby I’m fully aware. If I could change the story’s ending to me and you don’t know the meaning of pretending what to do. I could be the one, give you all my love, forget what he has done to you, I'm here now. Open up to me, love will set you free. If ever you believe it please believe in me” Aj sang as my crying slowed. He carefully moved me so I was facing him and looked me dead in the eyes as he sang the bridge “If I could show you there’s no risk of being left alone would you let your past go? I'll take it slow because there's no need to rush when I know” The intensity of his eyes and the words caused my crying to stop. There was complete silence as I looked at him, thinking about the words and deciding if I could answer them when there was a knock on the door and the mood shattered. “It’s our food. I’ll be right back”

“I’ll be fine” I said as he put me down on the couch and walked the five feet to the door, all the while looking back at me as if I might break. He paid for the food and set it on the table and then wrapped his arms around me again. I tried to express what I wanted to say but I was still too raw emotionally from the story. Aj looked at me for a while and then spoke up as he realized I was not in a place where I could talk.

“Thank you for telling me. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to relive that. I appreciate it more than you know” Aj said as I buried my head in his shirt and breathed in his cologne.

“You have a right to know. If you’re going to be trying to do things like kiss me, you should know about the trauma I have that for some reason likes to rear its ugly head in moments of high emotion. Such as kissing or anything like it” I said hinting at the real issue I foresaw.

“We’ll cross those bridges when we get to them” Aj said squeezing me tightly again “We’re only technically on our first date”

“That is crazy” I said with a small smile “I feel like I’ve known you my whole life”

“I know the feeling” Aj said “Hungry?”

“Oh yeah” I said as he gave a small laugh and placed me next to him. He set up the food on the table and I dug into my pineapple fried rice.

“I like a girl who can eat” Aj said with smile as I crammed the food down my throat

“Well then you’ll like me” I said through a mouthful of rice. We finished our dinner and had some nice, light conversation. Aj continued on the 100 questions game which had us laughing on the couch until about 12.

“Wow it got late quickly” Aj said suddenly as my phone vibrated

“Yikes. That’s Mollee” I said, grinning as I read her message

“What did she write?”

“Use protection” I said as Aj grinned.

“She’s a riot, that one” He said stretching from his place on the couch

“It’s her way of telling me to get my butt back there. You feel like tucking me in again?” I asked as I tried to stand up

“Sounds like a good plan” He said joining me and opening the door before I could

“Thanks” I said as he helped me down the stairs and walked me towards the dancer’s bus. We got there and hesitated outside the door. “Look at these stars. They’re beautiful”

“Beautiful” Aj said as I glanced at him and realized he was looking at me. “I’m going to kiss you. And I’m going to put my hands here” He placed his hands on my cheeks and leaned into my lips. I instantly wove my hands in his hair as we made out passionately.

“Ahem” I heard from the bus as we pulled back. Aj’s hands had dropped to my hips and looped in my belt loops and my hands were draped around his neck. We didn’t move from that position so Mollee added “I think that’s enough”

“Molls” I said with a small smile, shaking my head.

“Come on Kat” She said protectively as I bit my lip. Aj looked into my eyes, probably searching for a color that told him if I enjoyed the kiss as much as he did.

“What do you see?” I asked quietly

“Dark velvety blue, I don’t think I’ve seen that one yet”

“That's interesting. You’ll just have to hang around if you want to figure out what it means” I said with a grin.

“Teasing huh? We must be getting closer. Goodnight precious” He said kissing me softly on the lips once more. I ripped myself away from him and Mollee took my hand.

“I’ll see you in 8 hours?” I asked looking back at him while Mollee tried to drag me onto the bus

“8 hours” He confirmed as he waved goodbye.