Despite the disappointment about having to stay longer than he had thought, Josh maintained his good spirits throughout the day, though it wasn't easy.
He had to go through a spinal tap, a very painful procedure, or at least that's what it seemed like to me. Surprisingly, Josh refused to be "put under", saying that it was just too much of a hassle to do. He doesn't like waiting for several hours before and after the procedure, and that he doesn't like the operating room, anyway. Which I could understand.
But I still felt bad. I know I wouldn't be able to do such a thing. I wouldn't be able to get through leukemia treatments, nor the emotional pain that it causes to a person, nor all those shots and tests, nor going through spinal taps, much less without anesthesia.
Josh did it all, and still he remained firm and brave. So brave.
It's kind of embarrassing to admit that I admire my son. But I do. I love him so much and I feel so proud of him, for being my little hero and fighting so courageously.
The best thing about the day was the news that came after the spinal tap.
Yeah, you guessed it. All clear!
Josh was really happy, but understandably, he was also tired and slept most of the afternoon, while Michael and I returned home and watched Finding Nemo.
It couldn't all revolve around Josh. He was important, granted, and I couldn't love him more. But I had three other kids to take care of and it would be so horrible if I stopped taking care of them and spending quality time with them.
That's why I had decided not to spend every last minute of the day at the hospital. I would normally go there for several hours in the morning, then return home. If I was feeling uneasy about him, I would call in the afternoon. Always to be reassured that he was fine and sleeping. But a father can't help these things. And I know that if Julia was alive she would feel exactly the same way, or worse. She was such a sweet woman, and I was lucky to have her those fourteen years. But it doesn't seem fair. I feel like if, of the two of us, I should have been the one to die that day. Julia would have been a good mother to Mike, and Jamie, and Josh and Ryan. I'm sure she would have loved Mike so much, they were so similar.
Fate had it another way. I was the one who survived. Survivor's guilt, I think it's called. And I sure have it.
Why did I have to live? Why do I have to deal with these things? Why can't I be the one who has leukemia, instead of a child, a fourteen-year-old! He doesn't deserve this. No one deserves this. But I deserve it more than he does. After all, I've been married, I've had kids, I've had a wonderful career and lots of money, but Josh? Fourteen precious years so far, that's all. He still has to do all those things.
It just doesn't seem fair.
And I couldn't really understand it that night. While I was trying to concentrate on the fish and the sharks while Mike stared in awe, being cute as usual, I laid back thinking.
'Josh has leukemia. Right now he's probably getting the methotrexate. And he's still happy. You really don't have it so hard, Carter. If Josh can have cancer and still smile, surely you can make an effort to hold the family together, Carter.'
The question is...
'... can you, Carter?'
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry, I took much longer to update than I thought I would. I will be updating more from now on.
I hope you like the chapter, I'm a bit "rusty".
I hope you like the chapter, I'm a bit "rusty".
