Josh returned home and everything was going quite well with him, but meanwhile I was noticing more and more signs of something going on with Ryan, and yet I couldn't pinpoint what it was.
When I asked him about it, he'd get angry and yell at me.
"It's all your fault! I know that Josh has cancer but you act like he's the most important kid in the world! And I don't care what you think, the minute I've got enough money I'm leaving this house! I can't stand to live with you!"
The words hurt.
The 30th of December was the day of my first appointment with a psychologist that Brian had recommended, called Dr. Hudson. When Ryan had calmed down I asked if he could watch Jamie and Michael, and, to ensure that he wouldn't then yell that he wasn't my slave, I offered him a few dollars. Unenthusiastically he agreed, calling the little ones to the playroom where he could watch them.
He was acting so unlike himself. Now I was almost sure that he was depressed.
When I was talking to Dr. Hudson a while later, he said that Ryan was probably depressed and should also see a psychologist, himself. When I mentioned that Jamie and Michael were also acting a little strange, he didn't seem too worried.
"Just make sure you spend a lot of time with them and reassure them that you love them often. Hug them, make them feel loved. Spend quality time with them." he advised.
"Will do." I said. I really wanted to. And Ryan was right, I did spend too much time stressing over Josh, who, as it seems, was doing all right. Taking a nap, probably, which is okay.
The first day I talked to Dr. Hudson, nothing happened. He mostly let me talk, sometimes interrupting to ask more questions, sometimes offering immediate advice. But mostly just listening.
It doesn't seem like much. But it made me feel better. I'd been keeping my feelings mostly too myself for too long, and now Dr. Hudson was helping me release some of this anger and sadness, just by being there. Brian and Aaron sometimes talk to me about this, but never for long. They get slightly uncomfortable when I get to the medical details. Dr. Wilson answers my questions, but our relationship is purely professional. We talk about my son, not me, nor my feelings, nor anything else.
But with Dr. Hudson I could let it all out.
When I left an hour and a half later, after having filled a test with all kinds of personal questions, I felt refreshed, a little more alive. Slightly happier, too.
Brian was right, this guy was good.
When I arrived home, Ryan seemed to be in a better mood.
"I'm going for a ride." he announced. "Oh, and you owe me fifteen dollars."
I chuckled, paid him and (as usual), told him to drive safely and to put on his seatbelt.
Then I was left with my other three kids, two of which were sleeping (Michael and Josh) and one who was jumping up and down and talking non-stop.
I began supper and was half-way through when I noticed that Josh was sitting at the table.
"Hi, Josh. Didn't notice you were here."
"That's ok, I was just thinking."
"What's your mind, Hero?"
"Da-ad!" he seemed embarrassed. "Well, I was just thinking that... you know, the day that it all started? When I was diagnosed?"
I nodded.
"Well, I remember thinking that I was sure I was going to die. I didn't know much about cancer, but mostly I thought that it couldn't really be cured."
"Oh..."
"But now I think that maybe I will live. There's a pretty good chance I will. And remember when I asked that, if I had 60 to 70 % chances of living, did that mean that I had 30 to 40 % chances of dying?"
"I remember." I did remember, very clearly. Every single hair on my body stood up and for a moment I couldn't think. I got a lump in my throat and it was hard to swallow and hard to sleep.
"Well, I'm going to concentrate on the 70 % from now on." He smiled his warm, infectious smile, and I couldn't help but reach over and give him a big hug.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I've been on holiday, but here's an update to brighten up your day! =)
