She was breathing heavily, a river of red blood streaming down her arms, the deeper she cut the less she could feel, she wondered if she was died. The bathroom walls started spinning; she felt as if she had left her body, she looked back at the pathetic figure that sat in the bathtub, what had happened to her? Why did she long to be someone else? Why did she hate herself so much? She looked at the empty bottle of Vicodin on the sink, she thought taking the whole bottle would do the trick, but it seemed she couldn’t even kill herself right. She had to have a back up; a second way out. She pulled the razor blades out of her razor and slid them across her wrist, she couldn’t feel anything. Wasn’t it supposed to hurt? She wasn’t doing it right, she had to go deeper, there was so much blood, and she wondered where it had all come from? She cut deeper and deeper and still couldn’t feel anything! When would it be enough? Enough to kill her; to take her out of her miserable life; her eyes started getting heavy, she felt lifeless, was it working? How much longer would it be? She could hear yelling behind the door, was that the devil coming to claim her soul? She tried to hold her eyes open, her whole life she’d been taught that people who commit suicide went to hell, in a few seconds she’d know for sure. The voices kept screaming her name, over and over, the bathroom door started to shake; they we’re trying to break the door down. If she had enough strength she would have walked up to it and open the door for the demons. But they’d just have to work a little harder to get her now. She closed her eyes now and saw her mother, the softness of her face, “It’ll be okay Laura, just hold on,” she outstretched her arms to Laura, and Laura tried to touch her, but the farther she reached the farther away her mother went, “Laura, wake up! Please Laura wake up,” a voice kept saying over and over again, it sounded familiar, like something she’d heard before, but it was to late for Laura, nothing could wake her up, not now, she was to far gone. “Laura! Wake up!” the voice started shaking her, “Laura!”
My eye’s popped open to see Roxi starring down at me,
What’s wrong?” Roxi asked frantically, “You were sobbing in your sleep,”
“I was?” I said sitting up, abruptly
“Yeah, you kept calling… You kept calling for mom,”
“I was…”
“Dreaming?”
“No, more like remembering,” I said looking down at my wrist, I ran a finger along the deep scare and shivered.
“It was a long time ago Laura,” Roxi said gently taking my hand, “A very long time ago,”
“Yes, a very long time ago,” I said looking up at Roxi, there was a look of horror on her face, that frightened myself. “It’s okay Rox, I’m fine.” I said giving her a reassuring pat on the hand. “Now, tell me, what happened to you last night?”
“Oh,” Roxi blushed slightly, “I…well…um…nothing,” she said finally with a deep sigh.
I raised my brow at her, but didn’t push the subject, “oh, I see.”
“And you? What did you and Nick talk about? You guys seemed distant when you came back into the restaurant, and then you just left.”
Now it was my turn to blush and stutter, “It’s complicated,” I ended lamely.
“Oh, I see.” She said with a hint of sarcasm.
I wrinkled my nose and ran a hand through my hair, “My hair is horrid here!” I said grimly feeling the mass of curls out of control.
“Oh Laura, you look beautiful!” she said smiling at me,
I eyed her up and down, “Um… and what do you want?” I asked crossing my arms
“Nothing!” she said straightening up.
“Right,” I said trying to suppress a smile, “You only tell me I’m pretty when you want something,”
“That is just a horrible thing to say Laura! And not true in the slightest,” she protest.
“Okay then, not every time.” I smiled, “but you have something to say, what is it?”
“How do you always know that?” she asked intrigued,
“Because you are my little sister, and I always know when something’s bothering you,”
She straightened up, and took a deep breath. “ I don’t feel right about asking you something like this- in a time like this,” she said cutting off, “but you’re the only one I can ask because….well you’re my big sister.” She lowered her head then, and I saw the little girl sitting on my bed telling me all the troubles of the world.
“What Roxi?”
“How did you…I mean how did you know you were in love…with Jesse?” she asked looking up at me.
I had been prepared for anything but that. It took me off guard and a few minutes to reply.
“I’m sorry Laura, I shouldn’t have asked,” Roxi said sympathetically getting up from the bed. I grabbed her softly my the arm,
“Stay,” I said smiling at her.
She hesitated for a moment, then deiced it was harmless, and sat down on the edge of the bed.
I took a deep breath, “We had known each other for about four months. He had been my friend and soul companion. He didn’t have to understand me, he just had to be there and listen. It was a summer night, we were at his apartment, -he had made dinner for me-, we were sitting out on his balcony; talking, laughing. But then all the sudden we were silent. But it wasn’t an awkward silence, it was comfortable, he had his head turned away from me, gazing out at the sea. The moonlight silhouetted his profile, and there in that moment I told myself that was the man I would marry. Then he turned to me and said softly, “I think I’m in love with you,” and without thought I said, “me too,” and I knew in that moment we would never be apart.”
Roxi had a faraway look on her face and squeezed my hand hard, “I’m sorry Laura,” she said softly.
I suppressed the urge to break down and cry, but there wasn’t time for that. Not now, not in from of Roxi. “So,” I said clearing my throat, “What is this all about?”
“I think…well I think AJ told me he loved me last night,” she said turning her head away from me, “But I don’t think I was supposed to hear it.”
“What do you mean?” I asked confused.
“Well…um….we were….”
“Having sex?” I interrupted,
She blushed deeply and nodded.
“Oh,” I said a little startled; it wasn’t like my sister to blush at such an issue.
“But we had already done it. And I think he thought I was sleeping when he said it,”
“Oh,” I said more surprised, had anyone said that to her before? I wondered.
“No ones ever said it like that before. I mean, he was so serious Laura,”
I was right; no one had ever said it to her before. “How does that make you feel?”
“Jesus Laura, you’re such a shrink!” Roxi laughed,
“Yes, well I am,” I grinned
“I don’t know how that makes me feel, it’s so confusing, I thought we were just having fun…”
“Friends with benefits,” I said mildly
“Yeah basically!” Roxi said standing up and pacing the room, “Now, I don’t even think I can be around him, because all I’m going to be thinking is ‘he loves me’ and I’m going to hear it in my head over and over again!”
I sat quietly back as she ranted, “Do you love him?” I asked.
She stopped pacing abruptly. “I…I don’t know. That’s why I asked,” she said turning towards me, “I don’t know what it feels like to be in love.”
“Well then,” I said getting out of bed, “It’s something you feel, not something you know. So if you don’t feel it, then you’re not in love,”
________________________________________________________________________
Roxi finally got her composure back and set off in search of AJ, she asked me about a hundred and fifty times if I would be alright by myself for the afternoon. And a hundred and fifty times I reassured her I would be. The truth of the matter had been I needed time by myself; it had been years sense I’d had such nightmares; but in the past week I had been having them every night. I tried to reassure myself that it must be the sudden traumatic experience I’d gone through that provoked it and that they’d go away- I hoped.
To save me from my boredom I had gone to the grocery story and bought food. I was tired of living on TV dinners and Top Ramen. I pulled out fresh vegetables and fruits and set them neatly on the counter, then pulled out an apron I had bought and wrapped it around myself, “Chef Harris at your service,” I said as I spread the fresh carrots out on the cutting board. I pulled out a knife and started chopping away.
I heard a knock on the door and laid my knife to the side. I wiped my hands on my apron and went to the door.
“Hello,” he said looking down at me.
“Nick!” I said surprised and swung the door open, “come in,”
“I’m not bothering you, am I?” he said stepping inside,
“Oh no, you caught me in amidst of chopping carrots,” I laughed.
“Well I hope I haven’t come in time to be put in the strew.” he said laughing.
“Maybe…maybe not,” I said winking, “so what brings you here,” I said walking back into the kitchen
“I was in the neighborhood.” he said pulling up a stool and sitting down,
“Well you just missed Roxi, she went to go find…”
“AJ,” he interrupted, “I know, something about the “L” word.”
“Oh so you’ve heard?” I asked, chopping more greens.
“Yeah, Bone called me today sayin’ he thought she heard him.”
“Bone?” I said looking up at him.
“Oh,” the tops of Nick’s ears turned pink and he blushed, “It’s a nickname for AJ,”
“Oh,” I said looking back down at my chopped carrots; no wonder Roxi’s so found of him; I thought cynically.
Nick cleared his throat and I looked up at him again, “So, what were you doing in the neighborhood?” I asked conversational.
“Well…” he said rubbing the back of his head, there was a twinkle in his eyes and I wondered what mischief he was planning. “I came to the neighborhood to see you.” he said matter-of-factly.
I hadn’t realized I was still chopping when he said this, frankly I hadn’t realize anything other then the last sentence he said. I’m not sure what happened other then the knife slipping, but the next thing I knew I had my finger in my mouth and he jumped a foot off his stool.
“Are you ok?” he asked frantically,
I pulled my finger out of my mouth gingerly and looked down at the gash across my middle finger.
“I think so,” I said looking critically down at my finger,
“It’s bleeding, did you cut yourself badly; do you need stitches?” he asked frantically.
I couldn’t help but laugh, you would have thought I chopped off my whole finger by his appearance.
“What?” he asked abash
I couldn’t find the words to answer, either from hysteria or- well hysteria. I didn’t know what was so funny; but couldn’t stop laughing nonetheless.
“What is so funny?” it was more of a demand then a question.
“I’m sorry,” I laughed, “I can’t stop la…laughing,”
The tension eased between his brows and he softly started to laugh himself,
“Oh god,” I said after awhile, “Roxi really does need to baby me, I’m left alone for awhile and look what I do,” I said shaking my head.
“Well you weren’t alone,” he said smiling at me, “Let me see, is it hurt badly?” he asked reaching for my hand.
I let him take my hand without protest, “its fine I’m sure,”
He looked down at it intently, “well, maybe not stitches but a Band-Aid wouldn’t hurt.” He said smiling up at me, “Do you know where one is?”
“In the medicine cabinet, I think I saw some in there,”
“Alright then,” he said taking my hand softly, “it should be washed too,” and I followed him as he led me into the bathroom,
“Now sit,” he said gesturing to the toilet, “and let’s have a look,”
“Alright nurse Betty,” I laughed,
“Yeah well, stop imagining me in the naughty nurse outfit,” he grinned mischievously.
“I’ll try,” I added dryly,
“It’s not deep, but it’s wide, maybe it needs some butterflies,” he said squinting down at my finger, “you’re in luck I know how to do that.”
“Really and how does a rock star learn such traits?” I asked intrigued
“Well, I’m an accident waiting to happen, and most of the time it’s deliberate. So everyone told me that if I were going to mess around and hurt myself then I could just bandage myself too.”
“Talk about tuff love,”
“Yes well, it’s what happens when you’re the runt of the group,” he said smiling down at me.
I laughed, “I always thought the eldest of the group was the doctor and wise one,”
“Well he’s the wise one, but he’s also very squeamish,”
“Oh, I see,” I laughed.
“There,” he said letting go of my hand, “it’s all fixed; hopefully it won’t leave a scar,”
“Well if it does it’ll match all the others,” I said wryly, “thank you,”
“No problem-o,” he smirked, “just keep away from sharp objects from now on, huh?”
“Yes,” I said grimly, an unpleasant memory of the dream I’d been awakened by entered my mind and I shivered from the thought.
“What’s wrong?” he asked,
I snapped out of the gruesome memory and looked up into his piercing blue eyes, “Oh nothing. I’ve just been having a series of nightmares lately,” I said cooler then I thought.
“Oh, you wanna talk about them?” he asked
I had an impulse to say yes, but shook it off. “No,” I said promptly, “but how about you stay for lunch?”
Never Gone by MeG
