Chapter Twenty-Four: Gin And Catatonic
“Have you seen Nick?” Brian asked worried about his friend.
Mary shrugged, “He took off after Noah died, he said he couldn’t handle it, that God was trying to punish them for something.”
Brian sighed and looked over at the other three. “Guys, I think I might know where he went.”
“Where?” Kevin asked, he too was extremely worried, Nick took it hard the last time Alyssa had miscarried and for Noah to have survived just a few hours, made it all the more worse for Nick in his mind.
AJ thought, “Yeah, where? He should be by Alyssa’s side, at least the Nick I know would be there with her.” AJ explained wondering where Nick had run off to.
“He said that God is punishing them right?”
“But Brian, Nick’s not gonna go to church.”
“No but where would Nick go to punish himself?” Howie thought out loud then it dawned on him and he led the boys to the elevator. They got out and walked to the maternity ward. There Nick was standing in front of the window where they displayed all the newborns. He was leaning against the glass just looking over the room with the utmost depressed expression on his face. What he wouldn’t give to see a little bed with the name “Noah Aaron Carter” and a little baby wrapped in a blue blanket.
“Nick…come on man you gotta get out of here.” AJ suggested.
Nick looked over at them and sighed turning back to the scene in front of him, “Do you think they realize…how lucky they are…the parents I mean…do they even realize that in an instant it can all be taken away?”
Brian and Kevin sighed knowing that they couldn’t begin to fathom losing their sons as Nick had lost his. “Nick come on, Ali needs you.”
“She doesn’t need me, I’m a failure. I failed her…”
“Nick come on…” Kevin said pulling at him.
Nick shrugged him off and shoved him back, “You don’t get it do you? When you hold your son, when you play with Baylee…” He said shifting his gaze between them. “You just remember that I won’t get to do any of that with Noah because I failed him.” He said charging off to the elevators. He went downstairs going to Alyssa’s room seeing Mary cleaning her up a bit. “How is she?” He asked.
“She woke up a little, but they gave her some more pain medicine. She’s been really out of it. She probably won’t fully wake up til later today.” She replied giving him a hug. “How are you darlin’?” She asked with concern.
“Horrible…I just…”
“Go home and get some rest.”
“No Mary I can’t leave her now…”
Brian and AJ as well as the rest of the guys met him in the room. “Dude, you’re hard to track down.”
“Brian, Alex will you and Kellie take Nick home? He needs sleep.” Mary asked she saw the look of protest on his face and she shook her head. “Don’t make me use Kevin to force you out. Now go, get at least three hours of sleep.”
Nick relented and AJ, Brian and Kellie followed him out taking him home. About twenty minutes later Clark came walking back in. “Where is he?” Clark asked wondering where Nick was.
“I sent him home, just to get some sleep, I told him that if he didn’t go I’d force Kevin to make him. He didn’t put up much of a fight since Noah passed.”
“God I can’t even begin to imagine what he could be going through right now.”
“You have no idea how broken up he was. He couldn’t stop crying, I had Brian and AJ drive him home, because he wouldn’t be able to see if he drove. It’ll be so hard for him. I decided to arrange everything for Noah. Nick told me his wishes and I thought they were a good plan.” Mary sighed.
Clark looked in on his still sleeping sister, “She’ll probably be so angry when she wakes up. What did Nick say his plans were?”
“Cremate him and inter him next to Jamie in Arizona. He said it would only be right for him to be with family to protect him like he couldn’t or so he thinks he couldn’t.”
“Man…it’s just so terrible it had to happen to them. Of all people in this world I never would have thought they’d go through this.”
“It happens, dear one. Life isn’t all rainbows and puppies. Shit happens, and now this will either make or break them. I sincerely hope they’re able to work through their pain together, but you know Ali, she doesn’t deal with pain easily.”
Meanwhile Nick walked into the house hearing it eerily empty aside from Layla scampering to see them. He patted her head and walked more into the house with AJ, Brian, and Kellie not far behind. “Nick…” Kellie began making him turn slightly.
“What?” He asked looking pitiful, his eyes were bloodshot and his face was slightly puffy and red from crying so hard.
“Do you want some tea? Or maybe you should just go get a few hours of sleep?” She offered with a weak grin.
Nick shook his head and headed up the stairs to their bedroom. He stopped in the hallway and turned going into the nursery seeing the walls and all the furniture he’d put together for his son. A son that no longer existed. In one fateful night the family he craved and desired so much was snatched from him like some cruel joke. He gripped onto the side of the crib trying to quell the sadness within him. How could this happen to him? Didn’t he deserve a healthy and happy family? Now his first-born child was dead, and his fiancée was still heavily sedated in the hospital. If only he had seen it before he told himself. He felt the anger rise within him, he blamed himself, for everything, for Noah, for Alyssa, for his mother and every little thing that had gone wrong in his life. He balled up his fist and hit it hard against the wall creating a large hole about the size of his fist in the painted drywall. He saw the blood on his knuckles from hitting the wall so hard and he crumbled to the ground just staring at his hand.
Hearing the large thud everyone rushed up the stairs seeing him sitting amidst the nursery. Kellie went to his side kneeling by him. She knew he was in so much pain, anyone could tell it was written all over his face. “Nick, come on honey.” She said helping him up. She cleaned up his hand and relegated him to his bedroom laying him down to sleep for a few hours, and within 30 minutes or so Nick went off into dreamland cuddling Alyssa’s pillow to him in some sort of comfort from the past 24 hours.
Kellie went down into the living room and sighed. In all the time she’d known Nick and Alyssa, she’d never seen them so sad together. That was definitely going to be an experience for sure. Whenever there was a tragedy it was always on one side, Nick’s parent’s divorce, Collin’s death, Jamie’s passing… All of that had been able to bring them closer together. She joined AJ on the couch and curled up in his lap. “I just hope they’ll be okay.”
“Me too baby, me too.” He replied wrapping his arms around her waist.
“They’ll be okay…” Brian stated from his perch on the other end of the sofa. “Something tells me that this will only make them stronger. Maybe this was meant to be.”
“What how can you say that?” AJ asked with an incredulous tone.
Brian sighed and twiddled his thumbs a little, “Look at it this way Alex, they were fighting all the time lately, and if Noah had survived, where would that put their relationship? Would he just cause more stress for them with his illness that would eventually make him the ONLY thing holding the two of them together? Maybe God sent Noah and took him away for a reason, to teach them a lesson.”
Kellie rolled her eyes, “Figures the token bible thumper. All the theories in the world aren’t going to change the fact that this could ruin their relationship permanently.”
“Then maybe they weren’t meant to be if it does.” AJ remarked in return. He didn’t want to admit it but what if this did ruin the relationship, was there really a thing as true love if it did?
Kellie’s eyes widened at AJ. “How could you even think that? Nick and Ali not being together? They’d be miserable and they’d never been able to be apart.”
“Maybe that’s what they need?”
“No I refuse to believe that, they love each other, you don’t know their relationship like I do, I was there through everything and they love each other. They WILL get through this and no amount of speculation from either of you is helping them” She said standing up and walking out to the back patio she looked at the patio furniture and the pool. How many times had she come over to hang out on this very patio and how many times did she see Nick and Alyssa’s stolen glances and love sick gazes? Too many times to count. They could get through this because of that love they share. It’ll just take time. She told herself taking a deep breath and looked out over the ocean.
Four hours later…
Nick had woken up an hour before and now was sitting in Alyssa’s hospital room having placed a fresh bouquet of red roses in a vase for her. He had heard she would be waking up soon due to the medicine wearing off and he wanted to be there, at her bedside when she would awake finally. He gripped her fingers in his and surveyed her form. She was lying on her back, her stomach no longer had the tell tale protruding bump of a baby, but instead just had the expansion of it, the only real evidence anymore aside from the pictures on the ultrasound that she was ever really pregnant in the first place. He knew this was going to be hard.
To tell her that their only child had not survived the night and his first few hours. That he couldn’t protect him like he promised her. Like he promised himself that he would. He knew he didn’t want to be the one to tell her. He’d break down and crumble and show his weakness, his failure to protect and provide for his family like a father should. He felt her squeeze his fingers and soft moan escape her lips. “Alyssa?” He asked scooting closer his eyes searching her face for signs of life. He saw her brow furrow and began getting happier by the moment. “Sugar it’s me…” He said in hope.
Alyssa heard his voice through the darkness and suddenly all her thoughts of what happened flooded her mind. She opened her eyes a little seeing the fuzzy outline of his body sitting by her side and felt his hand intertwined with hers. “Nick…” She muttered as she began to open her eyes more letting the grow accustomed to the low light of the room.
Nick kissed her forehead and hit the call nurse button on her bed. “Sugar you’re okay oh God I thought I lost you for sure.”
“Lost me?” She said sitting up a little in bed then putting her head right back down, it weighted like ten thousand pounds and began to throb. She looked down to her stomach not seeing her baby bump anymore. “Wait…where’s Noah?”
“You don’t remember do you?” Nick said his heart falling a little. “The c-section?”
Alyssa racked her brain, remembering the c-section then feeling something inside her rip and then she grew incredibly weak and then it all grew dark. “Yeah I remember, where’s Noah though, is he okay?”
Nick’s face fell a little he didn’t want to say anything, “Let me get the doctor, they can explain better than I can.”
“No…where is he? Where’s our son?” She asked wanting to know, she felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach but she needed to know, needed to hear it for herself.
Nick bit his lip and his face turned dark. “Alyssa, please…”
And then the realization hit her. Her hand recoiled from his and her eyes widened. Just then the nurse and Dr. Petrarch walked in on her evening rounds. “Alyssa you’re awake.”
Alyssa stared off into space for a moment looking over at Nick’s face seeing the desperate tears sliding down his face. “Where’s my son?” She asked Dr. Petrarch.
“I’m so sorry Alyssa, but after he was born, we found he was cyanotic. He didn’t last more than four or five hours before he succumbed to his disorder and being so young it was likely to happen.”
Alyssa didn’t hear her, her heart sank and everything else in the room faded away as she began to stare off into space. She didn’t even realize that Nick and Dr. Petrarch were trying vainly to get her attention but nothing would get through to her mind. It was as if nothing was really there at all nothing but herself, and a huge black crevasse that made her feel empty, shattered and hollow. Her entire body ached, and even more so did her heart, she lost herself in her thoughts ignoring everyone coming into the room hugging her and kissing her forehead in relief that she’d woken up. Everyone soon realized that something was not right…the once bright happy woman they knew was a broken, hollow pale shell of who she used to be.
Nick couldn’t bear the sight of her, knowing how much pain she was in. The mere sight of her catatonia made him back slowly out of the room. He knew how alone she felt and how alone he felt in that moment. But he couldn’t help it, he blamed himself and he knew she blamed herself. All of a sudden he couldn’t breathe. The entire room was spinning and he had to get out. He saw the other guys approaching him and he backed away his complexion paling as he did so.
He went to the elevator without so much as a word and left the hospital as fast as he could. He went home going into the bar in the game room. He grabbed the large bottle of tequila and headed down to the beach at the bottom of the hill the house rested on. He sat there opening the bottle and took a long swig and mulled over his thoughts. He was angry and depressed. The only person who could understand his pain was laying in a hospital bed, in an almost catatonic state. The shock of losing their baby forced her mind to compartmentalize to the point where it shut everyone and everything out, just focusing on all the pain and suffering in her mind. He knew it was her coping mechanism.
What he didn’t know…was that he’d been followed.
“I knew I’d find you out here.” A familiar raspy voice said behind him.
“Fuck you Alex…” Nick muttered.
AJ took the bottle of tequila from him making him glare and chucked it into the surf. “What the fuck are you doing?!”
Nick crumbled at that point weeping into his hands. He felt so lost so much weighed upon his heart he just wanted it to go away. “I can’t lose her too…” He muttered in between sobs.
“You haven’t lost her yet. Just be there for her, don’t let her forget that you love her. Kellie made me see that you need Alyssa in your life and Goddamnit Nick. Don’t punk out now.”
Nick looked over at his friend. “What am I going to do?”
“I don’t know, but let’s go find out what we can do just by being there and not being afraid to face the pain. You remember the bullshit I went through. How I wanted to just numb the pain?”
“Yeah of course.”
“Well you’re both doing the same thing. And it’s your job to make her feel the pain, face it, and moved past it.”
“Move past it?”
“It’s not going to be easy, but if you two really are meant to be, you’ll make it through. And that lil bro, is up to you.” AJ said hoping his words resonated inside his friend.
Nick looked to the sky seeing how dark it was and lit up at the same time by the moon and it’s reflection across the water. He sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I can do that…” He said standing up feeling more and more confident by the moment. He knew deep down that no matter what, no matter how much pain they were going through, that they needed each other, to lean on and love and he was going to prove that to her at all costs.
If you read let me know what you think! Thanks everyone!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Wow just wow thank you for the huge response of the last few chapters. I hope you'll stick with the Nick and Ali saga because even though it doesn't look promising it does get better I swear! After all they are soulmater aren't they?
Chapter End Notes:
To Tri, Jamanda, Mel and Julilly and all those who have reviewed so far. Thank you so much!!
