Chapter Twenty-Five: The Importance Of Family
Four weeks, a solid month, it had been since that fateful night and yet Alyssa had yet to speak to anyone in the house. The guys all stayed relatively close each coming over everyday. Alyssa’s family had all moved into the house for the time being as well as Nick’s siblings staying close by. All of them waited to see if there was some sign of life from Alyssa. Nick had tried and tried but after her mostly catatonic state had ended she still didn’t utter a word. The only thing that had brought her out of shock was her hunger, and Clark who knew “everyone has to eat” and placed a plate of aromatic deliciousness in front of her until it seeped in her mind and her survival instincts took over and devoured the entire thing.
Nick was thankful for the family being close by, but it really just hindered him from truly getting through to her. He needed her to look at him see that he wasn’t going away. And the maybe they’d be able to get through it all. With everyone around he felt expendable, useless and disposable. He spent a lot of his time with Alyssa just sitting in the same room as her. But when she’d go out on her own. Like she’d been doing once a day for hours at a time. It worried him, but then he followed her once and saw she was just running to get her mind off the internal pain she felt so deeply. He let her be to have that few hours alone a day he knew she needed it and it left him to be able to do some work. He’d been working from home on the album only an hour a day then would spend another hour with Emma on the phone and sometimes in person keeping things strictly business between them.
His earlier temptation he realized that she wasn’t what he was truly desiring. He’d realized that when finally one night the sex dream had returned and instead of freaking out he slept through it, only to discover half way through that Emma transformed into Alyssa. And that right there said it all to him. He missed the way they were in the beginning of their relationship, where nothing else mattered but the two of them. It made him more confident than ever that Alyssa truly was the only one for him. If he could go through a time where he doubted his feelings and yet still come out and be able to say “yes that’s the girl I want” then he knew they’d be able to survive this.
What he didn’t want was to leave her. He knew he had to, only for a few days in Nashville to finish things up for the album. It was 3/4 the way completed and he didn’t want to go. He feared if he left and she finally opened up that he’d miss everything and it would further pull them apart. He watched her sit on the bed with her knees drawn up to her chest as she watched him pack his bags. “It’s only for a couple days, a week at most.” He explained. Alyssa looked up at him and nodded it irked him to no end that she still hadn’t spoken a single word. He sighed and went over to her reaching for her only to have her pull away and scoot to the other side of the bed. Feeling defeated he went back to packing. “While I’m gone, just please don’t forget that I love you.”
Alyssa’s eyes met his for a moment and they both saw the immense pain they’d been going through reflected in their eyes. She breathed heavily seeing the pain, angst and love in his eyes. She turned away quickly feeling the knot forming in her stomach. She couldn’t deal with her own emotions at the moment so what made her think she could even begin to handle his? Nick sighed and zipped up his two pieces of luggage. He picked up his luggage and brought them down stairs.
She watched him walk out of the room and felt a tightening in her chest and a familiar stinging in the corner of her eyes. She stood up quickly and went to the French doors that lead to their balcony. She walked out side a little and looked up closing her eyes feeling the sun bathe her in warmth. It was the most comforting thing she had at the moment. The reminder of Nick’s love as much as she knew she loved him too, only brought her memories of the product of that love, Noah…and it made her scared that maybe their love wasn’t strong enough if they weren’t able to create a healthy child. It killed her to think that the little kicks inside her abdomen were gone, and turned to ashes interred next to her father in Arizona. It made her long for the weeks and months prior to losing him, when she was so excited about his impending arrival that would have been that fall. But to unforeseen circumstances it came all the sooner. Unforeseen…she should have seen it all along she thought to herself. Instead of preparing for his arrival the way she had. She should have just sat back and relaxed he already was there, and she ignored him and the warning signs and now…she thought to herself, “I’ve killed him…”
Meanwhile downstairs Nick loaded up in the truck and sighed. “Don’t worry man, we’ll take care of her while you’re gone.” Clark said patting Nick on the shoulder.
Nick shook his head, “I shouldn’t go, she needs me with her. What if she breaks down while I’m gone? She blames me and I know it. And more so she blames herself. I’m just scared she’s going to…”
“Going to what? Attempt suicide again?”
Nick sighed, “You never know, this could be the right push to send her off the edge for good.” Nick reasoned.
Clark shook his head, “You don’t know that.”
Nick clenched his fists, “You didn’t see her lying on the bathroom floor did you?! No, I saw that, I saw the amount of pain she was going through back then and she almost took her own life because of that. And this is ten times worse. Don’t you think it’d be logical if she does it.”
“I’ll make sure she doesn’t…” Clark said protectively as they both climbed into the truck and drove off to the airport.
Meanwhile…
Mary found Alyssa in her old bedroom sitting on the couch looking out the window with a faraway expression. “Darling daughter…” She began sitting next to her. She brushed a few strands behind her ear and caressed her face with her hand. “I’m so sorry the pain you’ve had to endure lately. You don’t deserve this. No one really does.” Alyssa looked to her mother and then back out the window. And laid her head on her arms that were folded on the back of the couch. Mary sighed and continued to talk but when she found it was no use she got up and left, “Just remember, we love you and are here for you no matter what sweetheart.”
Alyssa sighed and continued to look out at the window she got up a moment later and grabbed her journal and began to write out her thoughts hoping that something would come from them.
I feel so alone. No one can really understand what I’m going through. Nick can of course, he sees my pain and it’s his own. And that right there makes me feel even worse…
She stopped as she felt herself begin to be overwhelmed with emotion. She got up and changed and headed out to run. She ran hard and fast hoping the more she ran the less she’d feel like a complete and monumental failure. She kept moving kept running feeling a burning in her chest as she pushed harder and harder to keep going. Before she knew it she’d ended up out of the neighborhood and on the main road. She stopped and sighed taking a drink of her water bottle. She thought a moment, she needed a distraction from all the pain and she looked up over to the highway from the hill she stood on overlooking the main road. There she saw a billboard advertising her school. And right then a plan formed in her mind, something that could help take her away from all the pain she was holding so deep inside. With that she turned and ran all the way back to the house passing her mother on the way in.
“Alyssa what’s going on?”
Alyssa didn’t reply but for the first time in a long time, she felt like she had at least some semblance of purpose again.
At the same time Nick took his seat on the plane. He looked around seeing a newlywed couple, a businessman and a very well dressed woman with an infant in her arms. His stomach flipped and knotted when he saw how adoringly she looked at her baby. How he wished he could see that on Alyssa’s face instead of the blank emotionless one he’d started to grow accustomed to. He hated it the thought of her being in so much pain and being so alone in it. It scared him to think what she could be doing, thinking, and wondering.
That night…
Nick picked up his cell phone and called his home, smiling when Mary answered. “Hey Mary can you put Ali on?”
“Sure thing.” Mary went over and handed Alyssa the phone. “Ali, you don’t have to say anything to him just listen okay?”
Alyssa took the phone from her mother and pressed it to her ear.
Nick heard her breathing on the other end and smiled, “Hey…still not talking huh?” He waited hearing a pause knowing that she’d have one eyebrow arched as if to say “you’re kidding right? Of course I’m not talking.” He sighed and gathered his thoughts, “I miss you, the real you. I know you’re hurting sugar and I am too. I love you so much and we’re going to get through this. I promise I’ll be home soon and I’ll do anything I can to help you, to help us.”
Alyssa gave the phone back to her mother not wanting to hear anymore she went into the bathroom and drew a bath in the tub adding bubbles to it before immersing herself in the near scalding water hoping it would wash away all her emotions and pain.
“Nick? She went to take a bath.” She said into the receiver.
Nick sighed and relented he knew she was trying to avoid the pain and any reminder of that pain. “Keep an eye on her Mary.”
“Of course sweetie, I wouldn’t dream of anything different. Hopefully she’ll be more up to talking once you come back.”
“I hope so.”
“She will, just gotta have faith.” She replied looking over at the bathroom door as she rang off with Nick. That’s really all they needed was just to have a little faith in each other and their relationship and all would be right again wouldn’t it? After Alyssa’s bath Mary helped her get ready for bed and tucked her in just like she used to when she was a young child. “Sleep well Alyssa. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow.” She said then kissed her forehead before getting up and going down stairs seeing Clark sitting there.
“How is she?”
“Still not talking. I’m so scared for her right now.”
Clark folded his hands on the table. “I can’t take much more of this. It’s so nerve wracking, I can’t understand why she just won’t talk you know?
Mary nodded and saw Kellie picking up her phone. “She won’t talk because she just wants to be alone in her pain right now.”
“That’s so fucking selfish of her.”
Mary shook her head, “Then you really don’t get the kind of loss she’s going through Clark. She lost her son. Imagine if you lost little Jamie before you even got to hold him? Can you even begin to fathom all that pain she’s in? It’s not her being selfish, she’s trying to preserve herself and us. She doesn’t want any of us to feel what she feels because she doesn’t want to see us in that kind of pain. That’s why she’s pushing Nick away. She sees how much pain he has inside him and she feels like she caused it.”
Clark ran his hand over his face in frustration, “But she didn’t cause it!”
“You try getting that through to your sister. Remember this is Alyssa we’re talking about she’s more stubborn than any of us.”
He sighed and looked toward the stairs, “I suppose you’re right. I just hope she sees it eventually that it isn’t her fault.”
Four days later…
Alyssa woke up with a start her breathing heavy as she blindly searched for Nick. She looked to his side of the bed seeing it empty and she felt the emptiness inside her begin to grow. She got up seeing the early morning light stream in from the French doors and windows in the room. Alyssa moved quickly going into the hall. She looked at the closed door in front of her, the one that was meant for her child.
The one that would remain forever unoccupied by his presence.
She opened the door looking around the room. She saw the hole in the wall from Nick’s anger a month beforehand. She felt the same anger surge within her. Anger at herself, at Nick for not recognizing the warning signs before it was too late. She looked at the empty crib, the tiny basketball hoop Nick had gushed about putting up there. Her emotions over took her and she took the crib and tipped it over letting it crash to the ground. She moved to the changing table doing the same and then to the dresser taking out all the drawers flinging them around the room as angry tears began to stream down her face.
Hearing the loud clatter Mary and Clark rushed into the room seeing her ransacking it. “Alyssa stop!” Clark yelled going to her putting his hands on her shoulders making him look at her. She looked at him and punched his chest hard trying to push him away. When he didn’t move even after her violent shoves she broke down falling to her knees.
“I killed him, I killed him…” She sobbed as Clark felt tears sting his eyes.
He kneeled on one knee in front of her, “You didn’t kill him Ali…”
“I’m a murderer…I killed my son, I was so selfish and stupid and I killed him because of that…” She said then continued to say that she killed him over and over as sob after sob escaped her. Clark held her to him hugging her as she soaked his shirt with her tears. He looked over to Mary who was crying herself.
“I’ll call him…” She mouthed to her son. She knew that Nick would need to hear this, she knew he’d rush home the minute he heard that Alyssa had broken down at least a little bit. And hopefully now they could begin to heal. Mary went down the stairs and called Nick’s cell phone.
“Hello?” He asked answering it.
Mary heard the other guys talking in the background she knew he was busy working, “Nick I’m so sorry to bother you, but Alyssa just had a little breakdown.”
Nick’s heart quickened and he breathed in, “Is she okay?”
“I think so she’s crying, and Clark is holding her, she trashed the nursery.” She explained. “I think it would be a good idea if you came home.”
Nick replied, “Yes, I’ll be right there.” He rang off with her quickly and turned to the guys. “I’m sorry but I gotta go, she needs me.”
Brian grinned a little and AJ and Howie exchanged a glance all of them knew one thing, Alyssa needed Nick and that thought made them all just a little bit more hopeful that everything would be okay. “Well than get the hell out of here.” AJ replied making Nick grin genuinely for the first time in a long time before he left this time he wasn’t going to let her shut him out. No matter how hard she tried he was going to get through to her like he knew he could.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
sooo wow I'm really on a roll. Let's hope this keeps up! And Tri I think I've turned into you! With daily updates! LOL Thank you to everyone for the amazing amount of reviews I've received lately keep it up! It's been really inspiring!!
Chapter End Notes:
To Tri, Julilly, Mel, and Jamanda you ladies rock!
