Chapter Twenty-Eight: Angst Isn’t A Four-Letter Word
“Why does it have to be a man!?” Alyssa retorted looking at Nick skeptically. She didn’t want to go to therapy, to tell some guy all their problems and more importantly all her problems and let him sit an analyze it then spew his testosterone laced jargon back at her in response.
“Oh so a therapist can only be a woman?” Nick challenged sternly. “Liss I’ve been going to this guy for months, he’s really brilliant.”
“That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”
Nick raised his eyebrows at her, “Afraid of what? That he’s already got preconceived notions about you? That all we’re going to do is just gang up on you?”
“Yeah…” Alyssa said looking out the window hating how he saw right through her. It truly irked her sometimes that he could read her so well. Knowing and pinpointing exactly what her fears were and pointing them out coolly and calmly.
Nick reached over from the steering wheel placing his hand on hers that was resting on the center console. Alyssa looked at where he had connected them. She let him lace their fingers and he squeezed her hand a little. “Baby come on this is me here, I’m not a complete asshole.”
“I know…” She said with a slight smirk and looked away.
He sighed and rubbed his thumb along the back of her hand. “Do you really?”
Alyssa shot him a confused look. “What?”
“Never mind I think we’re better to discuss this in therapy then to actually talk about it when I should be paying attention to the road.” He explained keeping his eyes firmly on the road in front of him. Alyssa studied him slowly and before she knew it they were parking in front of the office building in which Dr. Pinsky’s office was held. They got out and made their way into the office holding hands as they made their way to the fourth floor and sat in the waiting room. “Now don’t be too alarmed…Dr. Pinsky’s pretty great, he really understands relationships and I really think he can help ours.”
Alyssa thought a moment and looked at Nick. “Wait…Dr. Pinsky? Dr. DREW Pinsky?” She said with one eyebrow arched.
“Yeah what of it?”
Alyssa busted out in a burst of giggles. “Figures you’d take me to fucking Dr. Drew from Loveline.”
Nick snicker-snorted at her comment. “He’s really brilliant though, hell how do you think I was able to finally realize how toxic my mother was, aside from the shit she did to Olivia and you? He made me see that and now I’m feeling good about not having her in my life. It’s let me really begin to focus on us again. And really that’s where our focus mainly should be, careers should come second to us.”
About ten minutes later Dr. Pinsky opened the door. He grinned at seeing Alyssa in Nick’s company. “Nick come on back. And this must be Alyssa. Nick’s talked a lot about you.”
Alyssa gulped and shook his hand then began to follow them back. “Well I hope he’s said nothing too bad about me…” She said with a slight chuckle. There was a knot in her stomach as she followed them. Her first instinct was to turn and run away and fast, in survival, but she knew if there was any hope of their relationship surviving she’d have to face their problems, and her own.
“Now come on you trust me more than that.” Nick replied as they walked into Dr. Pinsky’s office.
Alyssa looked around seeing all the bookshelves and degrees decorating his walls. They sat down on the couch sitting with their hips together. Nick had their hands laced still and Dr. Pinsky noticed the body language and grinned a little. “For a couple having problems you two don’t give the outward notion that you’re in trouble.”
Alyssa gave him an odd look in response and Nick grinned holding her hand just a little bit tighter. “What do you mean?” Alyssa asked in all sincerity.
He smiled at them and nodded to their body language, “Look at how you two are sitting. Normally when I get couples in here, they’re sitting at opposite ends of the couch and here you are, hip-to-hip, hands firmly clasped. It tells me right away that deep down you two really do understand your bond.” He explained.
She smiled a little and nodded looking over at Nick who grinned slightly at her in response.
“Anyways…Alyssa, Nick’s told me his side of your relationship. Now I want to hear yours. You two met when you were very young, what was your first thought when you met him.”
Alyssa chuckled, “Who the hell just knocked me over? Was my first thought and all since we literally backed into each other.”
“After spitting out sand I mean.” Dr. Pinsky moved with a grin. He could tell why Nick had been drawn to Alyssa, her humor and wit was apparent to be one of her best qualities.
Alyssa sighed, “Well, I thought oh that’s Leslie’s brother, he’s a lot taller and skinnier in person.” She said with a wayward glance at Nick.
He chuckled and twitched his mouth a little, “I was so scrawny back then. But then again I didn’t have braces or was knock-kneed.” He shot back with a grin.
“I was an awkward kid, I was twelve so sue me.”
“So anyways when did you first realize you had feelings other than friendship for him?”
Alyssa thought a moment. “I was 16, and it was when I saw him after a concert in my home town. He’d invited me to hang with him before he went off to California. He had a girlfriend at the time so I just passed it off as a stupid school girl crush.”
“But it didn’t go away?”
“No… It didn’t…The more time I spent with him the more I…” She trailed off looking down she looked back up and tilted her head slightly. “The more I started to feel more… And it was completely infuriating. Especially when we started living together. It was just so frustrating to be around him 24/7 and have to hold back everything I was feeling.”
“Hmm, do you think that’s why you have trouble letting him in now?”
“I don’t know…”
“Well think about it this way. You started having these feelings about your best friend, and it scared you. So instead of risking your friendship you closed off those emotions from having a creative and healthy outlet so it’s logical that you would close yourself off emotionally after trauma too.”
Alyssa was taken aback from his statement and the shock clearly registered on her face. “What is a creative and healthy outlet?”
He grinned a little, “Telling him how you really feel, showing it through gestures and contact.”
“So you mean sex…” She replied.
“Not necessarily, sex is a very important part to any lasting relationship, however it’s only one piece of the puzzle here. The major part is the emotional connection, being able to connect on a level that’s purely on the emotional plane. Nick what do you have to say about your emotional connection with Alyssa?”
Nick sighed and looked at her briefly. “I think it used to be amazing…once she finally let herself go, but come to think of it maybe you really never did.” He said shifting his voice to her.
“What do you mean I never let myself go?” Alyssa said pulling back from him a little in defense.
“I mean, that you’ve always guarded yourself. Even when we started in our relationship, you couldn’t say that you loved me until nearly eight months in. But I could see it in your eyes every time you wouldn’t say anything back to me.”
“So I wasn’t ready to say it.”
“But it hurt me a lot to say it and get nothing back. Just like it hurt me when you attempted suicide back when you were a teenager. And to see you cutting again after we lost Noah. It just really hurt that you had to resort to that instead of just coming to me.”
Alyssa looked down and took a deep breath choking back the tears she wanted to shed. “I didn’t want to burden you…” She said softly.
“A burden? Liss come on you could never be a burden to me. I want to be there for you. You just have to let me in.”
“How? How can I let you in and not get some sympathy or pity in return. I don’t want that. Petty sympathy isn’t going to bring Noah back, nor my father or Collin so what am I supposed to do?”
“Well you could talk to me, tell me what you’re feeling. I’m not one of those guys who can’t feel you know. I do have some emotions.”
Alyssa stifled the snicker that threatened to come out. “It just seems easier to mask it…”
“It always does Alyssa, but really that’s where the real damage to the relationship happens. By relying too heavily on sex or no physical contact at all. Which leads me to my next question. When was the last time you two had sex?”
Alyssa snickered a little, “What is sex again? Refresh my memory…” She retorted.
“Alyssa…” Nick warned. “It’s been honestly where we had sex that went to orgasm…Jesus since before March.”
“What about in the truck in May?” Alyssa countered.
“You stopped it. So that doesn’t count.”
Dr. Pinsky grinned a little, “So Nick sex without orgasm doesn’t count for you?”
“Well without the emotional connection and then the physical release part then what’s the fucking point of calling it sex?”
Dr. Pinsky took some notes and looked at the two of them, “Well maybe don’t focus on getting readily back into your sexual relationship with each other.”
“What?” They both asked in unison making him grin.
“What I mean is, really take some time and discuss with each other the experiences you’ve been through together as friends and lovers. And really focus on reconnecting emotionally and intellectually and the sex will happen naturally.” He said glancing at the clock. “I’d like to see the both of you once a week, and then each of you individually once a week as well. As for an assignment until next week I want you two to talk about your experiences, together and apart. And I want you two to be prepared to discuss it when you get back. That’s all we have for today, but I’m looking forward to getting you both alone and discussing things with each of you then collectively as well.” He said as they all stood. He led them out and told the secretaries when to make the next appointment.
That night…
“I don’t get why we have to start opening up now when you’re going to be gone tomorrow for a the rest of the week.”
Nick sighed and chopped the onions blinking his eyes every few seconds to get them to stop tearing up. “Alyssa come on, it’s only a few days, and then I’ll be back.”
“Yeah until you start promotion for the album, isn’t it coming out in October?”
“Yeah so? You’ll come with me right?”
Alyssa tossed some chicken into the frying pan letting it sizzle and sear the edges. “No…I start school tomorrow Nick. True most of my classes are online, but I have a 6-week seminar class that’s 5 hours once a week. I can’t just traipse around the world after you.”
Nick bit his lip in thought. “But it’s only six weeks right, which means by the end of September or beginning of October you’ll be done.”
“Nick I don’t know…”
He went over to her and cupped her face in his hands pressing his lips to hers. He slowly traced her lips with his tongue seeking entrance to her mouth. She relented opening her mouth allowing him to explore her mouth with his tongue he groaned into the kiss as he felt her tongue stud hit his tongue as they dueled passionately for a moment. Alyssa broke away finally breathing heavily from what she just experienced her entire body wired for his touch again. “Just think about it okay? It’s going to get really lonely without each other, and I don’t want us drifting more apart when we’re beginning to make so much progress.” He replied as they went back to cooking their dinner.
“I don’t know but I’ll think about it okay.”
Later that night Alyssa drove Nick to the airport feeling sad that he was leaving just as they were beginning to get close again. She walked Nick to security and hugged him close. “I’m sorry that I have school tomorrow…”
“And I have to go to work out of town, it’s not our fault. We’ll be fine it’s only three days and I’ll be home.”
Alyssa looked away trying to hold back her emotion. “I know but…”
“But what?” He said using his thumb and forefinger to tilt her face back to his.
“I don’t know if I can last that long without you here…” She admitted with a sad look.
Nick’s brow furrowed then he pulled her into a sultry kiss picking her up almost from the floor to where she had to stand on her tip-toes as their mouths said all the emotions they needed to in that moment and without any words necessary. Moments later Nick broke away and kissed her forehead. “I love you sugar. I’ll be home soon.”
“Be safe, I couldn’t bear it if something happened to you.”
“I will be. Love you.”
Alyssa grinned. “I love you too.” She replied in earnest as she watched him begin to walk away and head towards security. As she began to walk away she got an idea. She went over to one of the ticket counters that was empty and greeted the lady behind the counter. “I need a round trip ticket to Nashville.”
“For when?”
“To arrive tomorrow night and come back Wednesday night.” She said with a smile, she knew that little surprise was exactly what they needed, a little night away from everything LA held for them and their relationship, and maybe they could finally really begin the process of opening up to each other as Dr. Pinsky had instructed them.
The next morning…
Alyssa took a deep breath as she walked up the steps to the classroom. It’d been forever since she’d been a student in a classroom rather than teaching it herself. She liked that she couldn’t exactly go for a PhD in the school she worked for due to conflict of interest mainly because it gave her the liberation to explore other options that would only strengthen her as a professor and academic professional.
She felt her sidekick buzz as she sat down in the classroom feeling like the new kid on the block in 5th grade by the style of the room. Whiteboards at one end, chair desks scattered throughout the room, and a desk and projector to be used by the professor teaching the class. She flipped open the screen and saw a note from Nick:
Let me know how class went. You’ll do great. Love you. ~ Nick
She grinned and closed her phone putting it back in her pocket for class. She watched the professor and other students walk in. The professor look about 40 years older than any of the students she mused to herself. She figured that was typical for PhD programs considering the lower numbers of people actually going for and obtaining a PhD. She sighed and began taking notes as class began.
Meanwhile Nick belted out at the top of his lungs. After he finished he came out of the booth leaving all three other guys standing with surprised expressions. “What?”
“Fuck me, man where the fuck did that come from?” AJ remarked with a surprised grin.
Nick shrugged, “I don’t know, I just did what the music felt like that’s all.” He said sitting down and relaxing a little.
“Dude, still I don’t think we’ve ever heard you sing that passionately before. I mean you do normally have a pretty good vibe going when you sing I guess it’s just…” Brian tried to explain.
“More soulful, like you actually know what’s going on in the song like it happened to you.” Howie finished.
“Guys come on, it’s not like that.” Nick defended. He didn’t want to own up to how every song on the album, whether they wrote it or not reminded him of Alyssa, he couldn’t help it, love songs, fast or slow made him think of her and when he’d close his eyes to sing he’d picture her smiling face in his mind and maybe it made him a little more into the music than before but he couldn’t really help that could it? Or was it really all that bad?
AJ and Howie exchanged a glance, “How’s Ali doing?” AJ asked with a concerned look.
Nick sighed a little bit and looked at each of them he was happy, for the first time in a long time. Although Alyssa couldn’t accompany him back to Nashville for the last few days of recording there. He missed her constantly and wished she could be there with him, however she seemed pretty adamant about this 5 hour seminar class she was attending to begin work on her PhD. He knew that throwing herself into school was one of her many refuges in time of personal emotional crisis, he’d learned that much in their first therapy session the day prior. “She’s doing better. We started going to therapy. And I think it’s really going to help. Though this distance isn’t helping much. I just…ugh it sucks just as we’re starting to open up again, we’re separated.” He explained to all of them.
That afternoon Alyssa boarded her plane with a grin on her face. She knew this was going to surprise him, maybe even shock him. She had to admit she shocked herself with her decision on a whim to surprise him in Nashville. She took her seat and settled back in the chair as she heard the sky captain begin his announcement that they would be taking off momentarily. She grinned to herself looking out the window, they definitely needed this and she was happy that she was stable enough to do this for him, and for them.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay so for the AWESOME response I got on the last chapter I figured you guys could deal with another chapter tonight. I sat down to write and really couldn't stop. Soooo here you guys go!
Chapter End Notes:
Obi Wan Katrina (ROFL!) Thank you for all your support and giddiness!
