Chapter Thirty-Three: Reconnecting
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Alyssa Narrating:
Honestly I couldn’t understand what happened. I mean I understand it now, and I’m so glad that it finally happened. That it all came out. I know there’s so much more inside him and inside myself as well. But now I think we’ve finally come to some sort of real depth with each other.
Nick letting out his emotions and my emotions too....It’s like ever since then it’s been a flood of talking and discussing everything even more so than we used to. I feel like finally I can say he’s my best friend again. After all we’ve been through these past few years together. We’re finally okay with relying on each other. We don’t need each other to be strong; we just need each other to be.
And really…we owe it to our loss. We lost so much with Noah. I really thought we were done for. All I wanted to do was wallow in my own pain. I couldn’t even begin to handle what he might be going through. And honestly I feel like that was horribly selfish of me. Even to begin to cut again…completely and horribly selfish. Yeah I’m in pain but what about him? It didn’t even occur to me.
I guess it’s really because he’s always been so strong for me. I’ve rarely ever had to be strong with him with the exception of anytime he got fucked over by a girl. It makes me feel terrible that I wasn’t considerate enough of his feelings. He’s just always been this rock for me and the second he flies off the handle or even shows he’s been through things that have caused him torment it makes me understand what he must be going through when he saw me in the hospital. It makes me feel completely helpless. But at the same time I’m glad that he finally was able to just get it all out.
Even back with the whole bullshit with Brandon he held everything in. Maintaining class and his calm with all that drama. Even back when Collin or my father died he was the strong stoic one. And I guess that made me feel like he was somehow detached from all those situations emotionally. But really it was hurting him more than I’ll ever know. It drives me nuts that we held back for so long. I thought we were so close, so strong but really we weren’t.
I was holding everything back, my stress level with the pregnancy and work and then all the bullshit with Jane.
I completely hate that woman now. I held such respect for her when I first met her. She was so kind and generous to me. I immediately felt part of the family, another daughter. But as Nick and I got closer over the years she started getting more and more distant. Especially on his solo tour, right before his parents were going to get a divorce. Late 2002 and early 2003 you could tell there was this strange tension whenever Nick would bring me around his family. The siblings were quiet a lot of the time and his parents barely spoke a word to each other. One night Nick actually told me that he was concerned his family was falling apart.
I hugged him and let him just get out his frustrations and said, “It’ll all work out”. I was trying to be optimistic for him. But looking back on it, it may have seemed like I was dismissing his fears like they didn’t matter. But they do matter, so much so that I felt horrible when his parents split up. That’s why I took him to my Ginny and Marc’s house to escape that summer after his tour was over.
He needed that escape to just forget about his life and career for a while to just be Nick normal guy, instead of a singer, boat race team owner, and eldest son of a broken home. I know he blames himself more and more for his parents divorce. He feels responsible because he’s the first born in the family but at the same time his father had a daughter from a previous marriage so it’s not like he had a very good track record to begin with. I guess I never realized just how lucky I was to get the parents I did. My dad was always there to support me and my mom was always saying I could do anything I put my mind to. With Nick, I feel like he got cheated out of that. I hate that. He deserves so much and his parents should be so proud of him for all he’s accomplished in his life.
I mean for God’s sake he’s made music history, the guys set records and they hardly ever get any respect for it. That’s what pisses me off so much about the business. Someone can bust their asses and be hugely successful, but never get any respect. It’s happened countless times, and sometimes the industry wants to label him as the “dumb kid from Backstreet Boys” and that pisses me off. He’s not stupid, he’s human, and yeah sometimes things he says don’t come out right. But does that make him stupid?
I hardly think so. I think that’s why he’s so insecure with himself. His looks are a huge thing for him. He can’t see how good he looks. He knows that his fans love him for his talent and looks and he works it to the max when he’s on stage because he knows he has all the power up there. I love the stage version of him but at the same time I hate it too. It’s only one part of him and without that vulnerability he has in his off stage life I don’t think I would respect him as much as I do. Knowing that he’s got so much more depth and emotion than he lets on sometimes makes me feel privileged when he does open up to me. Like I get to see something that not very many people get to.
And I’m back to liking that a lot. For a long time I’d started to want him to completely open up to everyone, the boys, his siblings, and me. And now I realize that it may not be possible for him to be truly that open. But as long as he’s honest with me, I think that eventually he’ll get to a point where he’s comfortable enough to be okay with relying on me. I know a lot of my actions have shattered his trust in me. And I acted like an idiot, I was in so much pain I wasn’t thinking that I could possibly hurt him by not relying on him.
I know at the same time that he wants me to rely on him, but it stresses him out. He tries to be so strong, and I really need him to rely on me too. I can be strong for him if I try to.
And really I think that’s all we really need, just complete honesty and reliance on each other. Because when everything thing else is gone, 30 to 50 years from now. It will be just us. And I completely understand that now. What a real marriage is all about and I’m glad I realized this now instead of 15 years down the line when we have to censor our disagreements in front of our kids when we do have them.
That’s been the toughest realization for me to take. The fact that I want to have more kids some day.... That this experience with Noah hasn’t discouraged me from wanting to be a mother. I know right now we’re completely not ready for a child, just because of the emotional damage that losing Noah caused. But what really scared me is that someday I might be okay enough to have another child.
It’s a little freaky that I can be okay with losing Noah some day. I don’t think I’ll every really be okay that we lost him. But little by little, the grief seems lesser than it had. It’s probably still the same as it was but I’m not so completely focused on it as much anymore. I’m not punishing myself for it. It happened, and there were a lot of factors that went into what went down. Some in my control and some out of my control.
I guess I’m beginning to realize that I can’t control everything in my life and I need to leave it up to chance and fate. I just wish so whole-heartedly that we didn’t have to learn this lesson by losing our son. I’d give anything to go back and change everything so he could have been a healthy baby and had a chance. But then again he had a heart condition from the get go so would he really have ever been healthy? Would he have suffered if he had survived? I wouldn’t have been able to bear that if he was in pain and I couldn’t make it go away for him. Being a parent if only for a little while you realize what kind of a parent you want to become. The type of person you know you need to be to raise a child in today’s world. You need to be strong and caring and supportive. And you realize that watching them get sick, or have any sort of pain or suffering, emotional or physical would be the ultimate torture for yourself as a parent and you just want to protect them and shield them from all of that.
But at the same time you realize you can’t protect them from everything. At some point you have to let them get hurt, so they can learn from their own individual choices and experiences how to be a self sufficient adult. But at the same time you hope sincerely that whatever experiences they go through that happen to be negative, that it’s not as severe as some experiences could be.
It’s a horrible thing to go through. To see a child in so much pain. I don’t know how Nick could sit there and watch Noah as he fought for his life. I know I couldn’t have done it.
And really the fact that he did it, alone as well because I was incapacitated as well makes me respect his strength more and more everyday.
End Narration.
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Alyssa looked over at Nick as they both brushed their teeth in the dual sinks of their bathroom. She smirked a little at how completely mundane the entire scene was. She turned to move around him as to grab a towel just as he turned to get the mouthwash smacking right into each other. They pulled back with embarrassed smiles apologizing and went to move around each other. Alyssa glanced to his shirt seeing a toothpaste stain on it. “Umm…you got a little toothpaste on your shirt.” Alyssa pointed out.
Nick looked down a snickered, “Figures on a black shirt to boot.” He retorted going to move around her to grab a towel from the rack just as she turned to grab her hair brush on the opposite side of the counter making their faces just inches from each other. The looked briefly at each other and grinned a little. Alyssa turned away and moved to the side out of Nick’s way. He grabbed the towel and wiped at his shirt. He sighed seeing that it was only making the stain worse. He tossed the towel on the counter and pulled his shirt off tossing it by the hamper just narrowly missing it.
Alyssa looked over at him as he dipped down to the sink to scrub his face. She saw the muscles move on his back as he scrubbed all the dirt and oil from his face. He cupped his hands under the sink washing off the white soap lather. He grabbed the towel and pressed his face to it then stood upright as Alyssa continued to stare a little as she ran her brush through her long locks. She looked him up and down for a brief moment finally really noticing just how much his body had changed over the past few months. She hadn’t noticed since he still wore the overly baggy clothes she’d become accustomed to seeing him in the past few years. But now in the light of their bathroom dressed in just a pair of dark blue boxers, hair all mussed from being held up with gel for most of the day and still semi damp from his shower she really noticed for the first time just how hard he really had worked to feel better about himself.
He dropped the towel on the rack and caught Alyssa’s stare looking down at himself then back up at her. “What?” He asked wondering what she was staring at.
She stopped and shook her head, “N..nnothing you just…look good is all.” She stuttered a little as she turned her gaze to herself in the mirror. She didn’t know exactly what was so different about that moment, sure she’d seen him naked even showered with him since his body had changed, but she guessed she just hadn’t noticed it as much before now.
Nick laughed and smirked at her in the mirror, “See now that’s exactly why I did this.” He explained vaguely.
“Did what?” Alyssa said passing him going out into their bedroom. She grabbed her bottle of warm sugar scented lotion. She slathered some on her legs propping each one up as she massaged the lotion into her skin. Nick watched her as she switched to her arms and shoulders then over her neck and down to her abdomen making sure her skin was thoroughly moisturized before they went to bed.
“This, the whole getting in better shape thing. The look on your face is exactly why I did it.” He explained walking by her getting a whiff of her lotion. “By the way you smell good…” He said nonchalantly as he set the clock on their alarm clock on Alyssa’s nightstand. He glanced at her clothing seeing the pale lavender boy short underwear and thin spaghetti strap black camisole. He loved that sometimes her clothes didn’t always match but still she always seemed to be able to pull anything off.
Alyssa giggled a little and handed him her bottle of lotion. “That’s what smells good.” She retorted.
He clicked open the bottle and smelled it, “I think it smells better on you…” He said handing it back to her.
“You sure? Because I could really smell and you’re just used to it.” She shot back with a grin holding out her wrist for him to see if she was right.
He caught her eyes for a moment and he reached out taking her wrist and yanked her to stand right in front of him their bodies pressed together. Alyssa looked up at him her chest rising and falling rapidly at the suddenness of his actions. He brought his hand up tipping her chin up a little more then brushed the backs of his fingers along her jaw line as he moved his hand to the back of her neck pulling her mouth to his in a heated kiss. Alyssa sighed into the kiss settling her hands for a moment on his forearms that were angled to where his hands slid around her waist to her hips gripping them. He held her against him as he deepened the kiss making her moan softly as their tongues dueled passionately.
He opened his eyes slightly seeing the bed behind her. He smirked a little as they separated for a moment then he began backing her up to the bed as their lips met again feverishly. Alyssa moved her hands up his bare arms across his shoulders and buried them in his short hair lightly scraping her fingernails along his scalp. Her simple movements made his skin break out in goose bumps just but the lightness to her touch. He leaned down slightly grabbing the backs of her thighs lifting her up against him as he bent over throwing her down onto the bed in one fluid motion. They broke the kiss slightly as Alyssa’s back made contact with the soft mattress and already turned down sheets. He saw her raise up on her elbows, watching him as he moved up to her on the bed pressing his lips to her neck making her eyes roll back into her head and her hands go to his hair and his shoulder digging her short nails slightly into his skin. He sucked harder on her neck almost biting at it. She shuddered when she felt his teeth on her skin and unintentionally let out a guttural groan from deep in her throat.
Alyssa felt his lips travel to her collar bone then back up to her jaw nipping at her skin making her suck in a breath. She moved her legs to wrap around his hips and ground herself against him making him shudder and moved back up to her lips sucking on her bottom lip moving his hips against hers. She grinned into the kiss slightly feeling him harden against her. It’d been so long since they’d done anything remotely this physical and she didn’t want it to end just yet. Growing bolder by the second, Nick moved his hand to her shoulder bringing the strap of her camisole with him as he drug his hand down her arm then moved to her ribcage she moved to place her hand on top of his wanting to move it upward giving him approval to go further.
However Nick pulled back at the touch of her hand thinking she wanted him to stop. He looked at her for a few moments then pulled away collapsing to her side on the bed. He mentally cursed at himself for letting it get that far. He acted on pure instinct and he ended up doing something that made her uncomfortable. He’d been so patient with the topic of getting back to their physical relationship and now he was scared that he may have just ruined it by going too far.
Both Alyssa and Nick laid there staring up at the ceiling catching their breaths as they contemplated what exactly had just happened. Alyssa rolled to her side and looked at him as she propped herself up with her elbow. “Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?” She asked looking down at the sheets.
Nick looked at her and saw the concerned self-conscious look on her face and shook his head, “No I was about to ask you that since you stopped me.”
“I stopped you? How?” She asked getting a perplexed look on her face.
His brow furrowed in confusion, “You mean, you didn’t want me to stop? I thought with your hand you were trying to tell me to…”
Her face broke out in a grin at his apparent confusion. “Trying to get you to stop? Hardly I was going to move your hand up actually.” She replied with a meek grin.
His face flushed in embarrassment and he sighed, “Sorry I thought…you know that you were trying…to stop me that I had…done something you weren’t comfortable with yet…” He said stammering here and there.
“What gave you the impression that I wouldn’t want you to kiss me?” Alyssa asked sitting up and laying herself over his chest.
“I don’t know…I guess I got used to getting interrupted or having to stop…” He admitted.
Alyssa nodded, “I’m sorry that happened…how we rarely ever got a moment to just be engaged and alone together. And with the whole stop and go thing…yeah I hated it too.” She said biting her lip. “It’s like one of those annoying interruptions that kept happening over and over and it got us in a stupid rut didn’t it? I’m just glad that we’re starting this again. I think it’s good that we’re taking it a little slower this time.”
Nick nodded and placed his hands on the small of her back. “We should probably get some sleep anyways…” He replied with a sigh.
Alyssa gave him a sympathetic look and kissed him gently, “I love you…don’t worry taking it slow will only make it better when it does happen again.” She reasoned making him chuckle.
“And months of pent up sexual frustration and forced celibacy doesn’t…” He retorted laughing as they settled themselves on the bed turning off the lights on the nightstands. Alyssa gathered up the sheets and comfort and laid her head against his chest covering them both as they relaxed in the darkness.
She giggled and kissed his cheek, “Yeah but I think you can handle just a little while longer don’t you?”
“Maybe…” He replied in the darkness making them both chuckle.
The next day…
“Look who finally crawled out of her hole in the ground!!” Lori exclaimed seeing Alyssa walk up to the table in the crowded restaurant.
Alyssa laughed at her two best friends and hugged them both. They separated and all took their seats perusing through the menu. “I’ve missed you two…” She said looking up at them.
Both girls looked at her then at each other, “You seem a lot better than a month ago…” Lori said cautiously.
Alyssa took a deep breath nodding in agreement, “My fiancé’s a genius.” She replied simply.
“Okay do tell…” Lori said with a grin.
“We’ve been in therapy, together and apart for the last month or so. And it’s just completely changed everything. I feel okay for once. It’s still really hard with everything that happened, but we’re getting back to how we used to be.”
Kellie snickered, “So does that mean you’re back to knockin’ boots?” She asked with a smirk.
Alyssa rolled her eyes, “I plead the fifth on that one.”
“OOH!” Both girls replied.
Alyssa blushed and giggled at them. “Chill out, we’re just starting over and it’s really good right now. We uh made out last night…”
Lori grinned wide and giggled, “Hmmm this seems oddly familiar…the look on your face, your evasiveness…it’s like you’re 20 all over again isn’t it?”
She bit her lip and nodded closing her eyes a little. “Yeah…it’s insane but God I wanted him to just…”
“Violate you?” Kellie offered with a completely straight face.
Alyssa blushed and both girls gasped, “Holy shit!” Lori remarked sitting back in her chair. “Man you guys are like you used to be for real.”
“Yeah which is why I’m inviting everyone to a barbecue Saturday. We just want to be with everyone again and see our friends. We miss you guys.”
Meanwhile…
“You fucking stopped?!” AJ remarked with a stunned expression on his face. He had to admit that he was happy for his friend but at the same time he couldn’t quite understand why he stopped when Alyssa seemed so willing to go further that night before.
Brian snickered and said, "Let him be..."
"No no no, you don't just stop when you're making out that hardcore...dude you have the most self control I’ve ever seen" AJ added with a laugh.
"Why do I tell you assholes anything? I didn't wanna stop I thought I did something wrong so I stopped..."
Howie shook his head and laughed at Nick’s candor and humorous story. "And you called me a pussy for taking it slow with Leigh for so long...? And that was in the beginning of my relationship, you and Ali are engaged, means free ass for life!"
Everyone erupted in laughter for a few minutes just finding the story and Howie’s remark completely hilarious. Nick took a breath and wiped his eyes and the tears that had formed from laughing so hard. “Okay but seriously is it okay that I stopped?”
“I think so…” Brian said with a shrug.
“You would.” Nick said rolling his eyes.
“What’s that supposed to mean? Just because I’m a little more on the conservative side doesn’t mean I think there shouldn’t be sex without marriage, hello I was serious with Samantha remember?”
Nick rolled his eyes again and Howie laughed, “Yeah and with all of us and our indiscretions if Brian was THAT conservative he would have probably performed exorcisms on all of us.” He remarked laughing.
“I thought exorcisms were strictly catholic Howard…” Brian shot back.
“They are…” Nick said making everyone look at him strangely. “What? Ali was raised catholic.” He explained. AJ smirked and Nick punched his arm “Quit imagining her in a catholic school girl uniform you pervert.”
AJ full on cackled, “Come on haven’t you two ever done that? You know role playing?”
“No…we’d probably start laughing at how completely ridiculous it all is.” He remarked laughing.
“Still it’d be hot…” AJ replied making everyone else laugh at his remark.
That night…
Alyssa and Nick walked in from going out to dinner then went for a walk on the Santa Monica pier. “God my feet are killing me!” She said kicking off her low heels making him chuckle at her.
“You didn’t tell me how your appointment with Dr. Petrarch went?” He asked as he took off his shoes and they sat on the couch and began flipping through channels.
Alyssa shrugged, “It was fine, we discussed contraceptives and when I want to go back on them. I told her I didn’t want the pill again. Since it failed me twice. So we discussed some alternatives and I got clearance that everything is fine and I should be able to have more kids someday.”
He grinned and kissed her temple wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “So what are you gonna go on? The patch?”
“Hell no that’s how Jamie got conceived. I actually decided on that nuva ring.”
“And that is?”
“It’s an implant that lets out the normal dose of birth control hormones without a patch, pill or a shot. And I just have to get it changed every couple of months.”
“No pills that’ll be nice.”
“Yeah she said it might be a good idea with our busy life and all and its more effective in some cases than the pill.”
He snorted a little, “You sound like a commercial.”
“I know shut up. But that’s what we talked about.”
“So, the barbecue on Saturday…”
“Yeah?”
“Would you be completely mad if I wanted to take you out on the boat instead?” He suggested.
“Yes, why can’t we go out on the boat on Friday?” She countered laying her legs across his thighs.
He thought for a moment he didn’t really have anything planned on Friday so feasibly he could move the little boat trip he planned. “Hmmm yeah that could work. So you’re really excited about us having everyone over again?”
Alyssa nodded and snuggled into him as they watched ESPN aimlessly. “Yeah I am…I miss everyone, and I think we’re ready for it.” She replied with a soft grin. She sighed to herself hoping that she was right that they were indeed ready to see everyone again, together as a couple.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
WOO! hope this all finds you well and provides a lil distraction for everyone studying for finals! I wrote more than half my paper today so I rewarded myself with writing and ended up writing an entire chapter! WOO!
Chapter End Notes:
To my awesome betas!!! Tri, Mel, and Jamanda! You three rock!
