Chapter 37- Seeds of Doubt

Alyssa was surprised to find that she slept for a good two and a half hours. She was awoken by the delicious aroma of the turkey already cooking in the oven downstairs. She felt a little guilty not participating in the cooking, especially because this was her home, but she was pretty pathetic in the kitchen.

            She headed to the bathroom and took a quick shower, feeling relaxed and revitalized afterwards. Before heading downstairs she changed into a pair of black dressy pants and a loose fitting maternity top. She piled her hair on top of her head with a clip and then she was ready to go.

            "Oh, how pretty we look," Patricia commented when Alyssa had reached the foot of the stairs. "How are you feeling, sweetie?"

            "Better," Alyssa honestly answered. "I had a bit of a headache, so I took something for it and squeezed in a little nap and a hot shower. Now I'm good as new. Is there anything I can do to help?"

            Her mother immediately but her to work in the kitchen and Alyssa found that since cooking took up almost her whole concentration, she had little time to think about her current situation. Her kitchen was bustling between herself, her mother, Meg, and Stephanie all working on different tasks while her Dad and Scott watched football in the living room. Finally, they sat down to eat at around four- thirty. Dinner commenced with her father's annual holiday toast as it did before any holiday meal.

            "I'd like to say that I'm very grateful that we could all be together on this Thanksgiving. This past year has been a very lucky one for our family. All my girls have had an exciting last couple of months. Megan and Scott adopted their first child this past summer, giving me my first grandchild, Kristina. Alyssa is expecting her first child in March. Stephanie is set to graduate this spring from FIT. As a family, we've been through our share of ups and downs, but we're clearly at a very high point right now. I couldn't be happier and more proud of my three daughters then I am now. So here's to my girls," he announced.

            Everyone clinked glasses, but Alyssa found it very hard to look her family members in the eyes. Hearing her father say that he was proud of her automatically made her feel guilty because she knew that if he knew the whole truth he'd be anything, but. Just when she thought it couldn't get any worse, her father continued to speak.

            "I also want to propose a second toast to salute my son-in-law Sean who is over in Iraq fighting for our country. May God watch over him, protect him, and send him home to us safely."

            Everybody clinked their glasses together again for a second time, and Alyssa managed to squeeze out a weak smile to her family. On the inside though, she felt nothing but guilt. Knowing exactly how she felt Meg shot her a sympathetic glance. Luckily by then the moment had passed and everyone began to pass around the food.

            Dinner was pretty much uneventful after that. Conversation flowed pretty well and remained light. The food turned out to be just as delicious as it had smelled earlier that day. Alyssa was thankful for no other drama. She wasn't sure how much more she could take from her family. Once everyone was finished, Alyssa almost jumped up out of her seat to begin clearing off the table for her family.

            "Alyssa, honey... You don't have to do that," her mother tried to insist. "We'll take care of it. You shouldn't be doing that in your condition."

            "My condition? Mom, I'm pregnant. I'm not crippled. Besides, I hardly did any of the cooking. The least I can do is to clean up and get dessert out," she pointed out.

            "I just don't think it's fair for you to do all the work," Patricia fretted.

            Alyssa noticed out of the corner of her eye, Meg nudge Stephanie under the table and shoot her a knowing look. "Oh, I'll help Alyssa," the youngest of the women volunteered. "You guys should just relax in the living room for a bit. Maybe watch a movie or something. We'll call you when dessert is ready."

            Patricia glanced at her two daughters warily. She knew that there had been some bad blood between the two girls, but she was unsure of the exact details. The most she could get from any of the girls was that Alyssa had found out that Stephanie had done something for her to lose trust in her. Although she'd tried to search for further details, no one dared to elaborate any further on the matter. The fact that the two girls were willing to work together on something though gave her hope that maybe whatever feud that was going on between the two of them would be buried. "Okay, we'll be in the living room. Call us if you need any help," she finally caved in.

            The two sisters worked in silence while the rest of the family left the dining room and settled into the living room. Alyssa carried a pile of dishes into the kitchen and began loading them into the dishwasher. Stephanie was right behind her balancing some glasses in her arms. They continued to work side by side, not talking until Alyssa finally got the courage to break the ice between them. "So, FIT huh? What happened to NYU?"

            Stephanie just shrugged. "Wasn't for me I guess. I dropped out after my semester abroad. I decided that I was more interested in something art related."

            "Like fashion?" Alyssa pressed. "I never knew you were into that."

            Again her younger sister shrugged. "There's a lot you don't know about me. Of course, when you don't talk to me for four years what more can I expect?"

            Ouch, Alyssa thought looking away guiltily. Of course Steph had to be hurt that Alyssa had abandoned her. Even at the time she realized how unfair it was to blame Stephanie for the incident with Nick. It had been three years after the fact. Stephanie had moved on from it. Alyssa had just been shocked hearing the truth from Nick on top of learning that he had cheated on her. Of course she'd lashed out at the wrong person because it was just easier at the time to pin the blame on someone else. "You have a point there," she sadly agreed. "You're right. I have no right to ask."

            Stephanie sighed as she went over to the sink and began rinsing off the extra dinnerware that couldn't fit in the dishwasher. "I've always loved to draw and I've always been into clothes. I figured why not put both together and get into fashion design? I've learned a lot and I hope to maybe start my own clothing line in the future."

            "Are you any good?" Alyssa dubiously asked. She didn't want to hurt Stephanie's feelings, but the fashion world was very competitive. She wasn't sure if this was just a hobby or an actual God given talent that could be pursued.

            A small grin came over Stephanie's lips as she turned to face her older sister, placing a hand on her hips. "Well, see this dress I'm wearing?" Alyssa nodded at the bold, blue and white colored dress her sister was currently wearing. It had a sort of retro looking print to it and Alyssa could tell by the way the fabric was draped it probably had been pretty expensive. "I made it."

            Alyssa's mouth hung open in shock. "You designed this?"

            Stephanie nodded. "Designed and put it together. Does that answer your question?"

            "I'm sorry if I doubted you Steph. It's just that the fashion industry is tough to crack. You really have to have talent."

            "I know... Believe me it took a while to convince Mom and Dad that this was what I really wanted to do, but they're coming around." She paused for a moment as she realized that she was beginning to sound almost too friendly. Almost immediately her guard flew back up. "Not that you really care anyway. You're only trying to act like you care because Meg probably begged you to talk to me."

            "That's not the reason." Alyssa turned around to face her sister looking serious. "I won't lie. Meg did suggest I talk things out with you, but I'm not doing this just because she asked me to. I won't get into details, but the last few months have put a lot in perspective for me and I realized what should be important to me. I'm going to be a mother in a few more months and I'd like it if you could be a part of my daughter's life. It seems so dumb to hold a grudge against you for fooling around with my ex boyfriend. Not like anything ever came out of it. It's just not worth being angry over anymore."

            Stephanie stood there for a moment with her arms crossed over her chest as she seemed to digest her older sister's words. "You're right. It is stupid." She sighed. "Maybe I should've come clean to you sooner. Nick and I both should have. But, it's too late for that now. Honestly, I don't know why I did it. I was such a little shit back then. I wasn't even attracted to Nick! He's not my type at all. I was drunk and well, I guess I was a little jealous of you..."

            "Jealous of me? Why would you be jealous of me?" Alyssa asked, sounding surprised.

            "You have to understand that when both you and Meg moved out, it was really hard on me. I looked up to the two of you so much, and you were always so close with each other, but not so much with me. I kind of felt a little abandoned after you moved down to Florida. That's when I started to get into so much trouble. Mom and Dad were a lot more relaxed with me I guess since I was the youngest. You were down in Florida and your life seemed to be perfect. You went down there just for college and you wind up with this famous, rich, boyfriend. You had a beautiful home and you were engaged... It was like you didn't need us anymore," she tried to explain. "That's one of the reasons I decided to drop myself on your doorstep. I wanted a piece of that life. You and Nick were so solid and in love at the time. I was jealous of that relationship you had. Yea, I had no problem meeting guys, but they were always the wrong ones. I guess in my self -consciousness I almost tried to sabotage your relationship with Nick and that's why I manipulated him like that. I wasn't interested in him at all. I just wanted to shake your life up a little." By now Stephanie's eyes blinked with tears and she furiously tried to wipe them away. "I've never admitted that before. I was such a horrible person back then."

            Alyssa's face softened as she saw how hard this was for Stephanie to admit to her. "Oh, Steph..." She wrapped her arms around her and consolingly rubbed her back. "You can't be so hard on yourself. That was a very selfish and cold hearted thing you did to me back then, but it wasn't you. Your judgment was clouded by drugs and alcohol and you were full of hurt. I have no idea why you were so jealous of Nick and I. I mean I admit that by the time you came to live with us, our relationship was actually at one of its strongest points, but it wasn't always perfect. We had a lot of problems and looking back I'm kind of glad we didn't wind up getting married back then. We weren't ready. We weren't even ready back four years ago."

            "I was always afraid that I was the reason you two never got married. That Nick broke off the engagement with you because he felt guilty about what we did." Stephanie hung her head in shame, not even able to look Alyssa in the eye.

            Alyssa shook her head. "Steph, the reason Nick called off the engagement had nothing to do with you. Nick was going through some rough stuff with his family. His parents divorce got nasty and it scared him. So, if we want to blame anyone for us not getting married, we could blame his parents, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I don't think either one of us would be where we are today if things hadn't played out the way they had."

            Stephanie finally looked up, her face full of relief. "Do you still talk to him?"

            There it was. The million dollar question again. Alyssa chewed her lip thoughtfully as she decided how she should answer her sister's question. "Yes, we still do talk. We're friends now, but we're both involved with other people. Maybe in another time, another place, but it just wasn't in the cards for us." She hated lying to Stephanie, but she still didn't feel comfortable confessing the truth to her younger sister. Meg was different. They'd shared all kinds of secrets, but Alyssa had always been a little hesitant to confide in Stephanie. Plus, the less people that knew the truth right now, the better. "Anyway," she quickly changed the subject. "I forgive you and I'm hoping that you'll accept my forgiveness by doing me the honor of being my daughter's Godmother." The sentence was out of her mouth before she'd even really thought about it. Originally she'd thought about having Meg or Izzy, but under the circumstances this just seemed right.

            Stephanie looked shocked. "You want me to be your baby's Godmother?"

            "If you'll accept the job," Alyssa offered with a smile on her face.

            "Duh, of course I will!" She threw her arms around Alyssa gratefully. "I can't believe that you want me of all people. After everything I've done to you."

            "Shh... It's in the past now. Let's worry about the future. Now how about we start getting dessert going before the rest of the family starts coming in to see what's taking so long."

            Stephanie just nodded as she wiped away her tears and the two women began setting up dessert onto serving plates. Deep down, Alyssa knew that she had made the right decision and she had to admit that a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

**********

            Thanksgiving at Nick and Shayla's had been completely different than Thanksgiving with Alyssa and her family. The Carter's weren't exactly what you would consider traditional by any means. Since the idea of cooking an entire Thanksgiving feast was unthinkable to Shayla, she'd catered the whole meal and had it delivered that morning. All that she needed to do was stick it in the oven to reheat it, which she had no problems with doing that at least.

            Nick did find it a relief to see his siblings again. Since their reality show had wrapped, he made more of a conscious effort to gather the family up for holidays and whatnot. He didn't want them to ever fall apart like they had previously and being the oldest he felt like it was his responsibility to hold everyone together. Typically, any Carter family holiday resulted in at least one screaming match, but this year Thanksgiving seemed relatively calm. The most awkward part of the whole meal had been Nick having to sit next to Shayla and pretend to act as if nothing was wrong with their relationship. In reality, since they'd gotten back together a wall had begun to form between the two of them and he was sure that even Shayla had to be noticing it now. As usual, his wife immersed herself further into her career to avoid facing problems, but she could only do that for so long. If Shayla was beginning to suspect that Nick was being unfaithful, she'd played it off remaining poised and confident to the outside world. Nick knew though that there was only a matter of time before she cracked. He just hoped it wouldn't be too soon.

            As he had mentioned to Alyssa, his siblings were actually quite fond of Shayla. They of course were unaware of the devious, manipulative side she hid so well. They still looked upon Shayla as the fresh, young, producer that had worked behind the scenes with them on House of Carters. She'd become not only a friend to Nick, but a friend to the rest of his family as well. His siblings were proud of how far her career had gone since then and seemed amazed at her glamorous transformation. Sometimes they seemed more interested than what she had to say than what Nick did. That particular moment was a perfect example. She was sitting at the head of the table describing one of the most recent parties she'd attended, while his four other siblings listened attentively. Knowing that he wouldn't be missed, Nick quickly excused himself and headed up the stairs to his office, needing to get away for a few minutes.

            I wonder what Alyssa is doing now, he found himself wondering as he flopped down on his desk chair and booted up his computer. He wondered if her family was driving her crazy yet. He wondered if she'd reconciled with Stephanie like he had urged her to do. His hand lingered over the cradle of his office phone, half tempted to pick it up and give her a call, but he quickly stopped himself. It wouldn't be right to call her when she was with her family. Instead his hands wandered over to the mouse on his laptop and before he even knew what he was doing he was clicking on the hidden folder that contained the few pictures he had secretly kept from the one's he had found in this very office only a few months earlier. Instantly one of the images blew up onto the screen in front of him. His eyes lingered over the details of the picture only strangely enough this time he didn't find his gaze to be fixated on her body, but more on her face which had relatively stayed the same. The deep brown of her eyes, the sharp arch of her eyebrows, the long flirty eyelashes, the pouting of her lips... He was so drawn into the photo that he barely even heard the sound of another person enter the room until he heard the sound of a throat clearing. His head shot up to find his youngest sister, Angel, staring over him curiously.

            "I was wondering where you went to. What are you doing up here?" she asked.

            Nick shrugged. "Just wanted to be alone," he muttered.

            Angel raised her eyebrows at him. Even though she was among the youngest of his siblings, she and Nick shared an especially strong bond, maybe because they were so much alike. Whatever the case was Nick always found that Angel always understood him the best. She smirked mischievously. "What are you doing on the computer? Whatever it was you were so into it that you didn't even hear me come in." Before Nick could close the image from his screen, Angel had already craned her neck around his desk just in time to see the scantily clad photo. "Looking at porn. I should've figured, you perv," she teased in a disgusted voice. "Some host you are."

            Nick felt himself turning red, but before he could defend himself he noticed Angel's eyes squint as she took in the photo more carefully. "Wait a minute... Is that who I think that is?"

            "Uhh..." Nick stammered. He wasn't sure if Angel would recognize Alyssa or not. The two had never met in person, but Angel had definitely seen more than enough pictures of her throughout the years. "Depends on who you think it is."

            "Your ex girlfriend... Alyssa, right?" Her eyes narrowed and her hands floated to her hips. "Is there a reason why you're looking at half naked pictures of her when your wife is right downstairs? Or do you just happen to have pictures like that of all your ex girlfriends?"

            "It's really not a big deal Angel," he lied as he quickly closed out the image. "I was just looking through my files and I forgot I had these on here."

            Angel just shook her head. "Sorry Nick. I'm not buying it." She made herself comfortable on a nearby chair and straddled it. "I'm not leaving until I hear the truth. What's going on? Are you and Shayla having trouble? I noticed that the two of you barely spoke during dinner."

            Nick sighed. He supposed he really could use a female perspective on the situation and Angel was the perfect person to confide in. He knew that he could trust her and she would give an honest opinion, but most importantly she could keep a secret. "Okay, if I tell you I need you to swear that you won't tell anyone else, okay? Not BJ or Leslie or Aaron and especially not Shayla, got it?"

            "Of course," Angel agreed, cocking her head forward a bit, appearing interested. "What kind of trouble have you gotten yourself into this time?"

            "Why do you think that I'm in trouble?" he immediately asked, feeling offended.

            "Because it's what you do best," his younger sister pointed out. "Now spill."

            Nick took in a deep breath as he began. "Okay... I admit I did get myself into a mess, but I'm not sure if it's as big of a mess as it might seem on the outside. I think that maybe it's for the best. Like someone is trying to tell me something."

            Angel frowned. "What do you mean?"

            Nick paused for a moment unsure of exactly where to begin. "Well, you are right. Shayla and I have been having some problems lately. I guess it all started when she told me that she wanted to try having kids. I wasn't thrilled with the idea to say the least. I just didn't feel like I was ready to become a father just yet. I had just started up my label and she'd just gotten her show... It was a bad time to bring kids into the mix. She got really upset and made some not so veiled threats about purposely forgetting to take her birth control pills. It started to get pretty ugly between us."

            "I'm sure she didn't mean it like that. I mean women tend to say some pretty crazy stuff when they're upset. Most of the time they don't mean it," Angel interrupted to defend her sister-in-law.

            Nick shrugged. "I don't know Angel. You don't know Shayla like I do. She's a lot more manipulative than you seem to think."

            Angel just rolled her eyes. "I don't know Nick. I think you're just paranoid. Don't you think it's strange that every girl you've ever dated can be described as manipulative in one way or another? Maybe you have some sort of complex or something."

            He could feel himself start to lose his patience with his sister. "Okay, so faking a pregnancy just to get my reaction of what I would do in case it ever happened accidentally isn't sneaky or manipulative in your book?" he blurted out.

            "Whoa! What? Please back up and explain." Angel's expression looked completely shocked at his outburst.

            Nick took another deep breath trying to calm himself down. "She told me that she was pregnant a few months ago. It freaked me out big time. I went through all these different emotions until I finally realized that the right thing for me to do would be to support her because it was my responsibility to do so. It was too late to change anything at that point. Just when I'd finally decided to accept the fact that I was going to be a father, I caught her having lunch with a few of her friends, chugging down Cosmos. We had a huge fight and she admitted to faking the whole thing."

            "Wow..." Angel sat back continuing to look stunned. "I can't believe Shayla would do that." She looked almost betrayed, as if someone had just told her that Santa Claus wasn't real. "I thought she was so sweet and genuine. So different from any of your other girlfriends... I looked up to her!"

            "Sorry to shatter your illusion of her. She's a good actress."

            "So, then why are you still with her? I don't understand..."

            Nick sighed. "This is where it gets hard to explain. When I first heard that she had made that all up, I wanted nothing more to do with her. I was all prepared to divorce her. Now during this time I'd started talking to Alyssa again."

            "I knew she had to be involved in this somehow! Please don't tell me you did what I think you did." Nick looked away, not being able to meet his sister's gaze. "Oh my God, you did. I don't know why I should be surprised. When are you going to learn that going out and sleeping with someone else for revenge only makes things worse and makes you just as guilty?"

            "It was a complicated situation. Her husband is a Marine and he'd just gotten stationed out here -"

            "Her husband? She's married too?" Angel just shook her head. "God, Nick you weren't kidding when you said this was fucked up."

            "Will you just let me finish?" he interrupted her. He continued with the story with no further commentary from Angel. He explained to her about how he and Alyssa had bumped into each other at Koi and then again at Grace's birthday party. How their friendship had continued to grow from that point on. He then went on to describe Alyssa and Sean's fertility problems and the toll it was beginning to take on their marriage. Finally, he described the circumstances that had led up to them sleeping together at the condo.

            When he was finished, Angel looked wide eyed. "Wow... How long ago was this?"

            "June," he honestly replied.

            "That was months ago. What happened afterwards? Did you just go back to Shayla and her to Sean and that was it?"

            "Not exactly." Nick nervously licked her lips. "Alyssa found out a few weeks later she was pregnant."

            Angel's mouth gaped open. "But, that doesn't necessarily mean it's yours, right?"

            Nick shook his head. "It is. She and Sean had gone to a fertility clinic and Sean was deployed to Iraq before the results came back. Turns out Sean is sterile, which is why she had such a hard time getting pregnant."

            "So, you're going to be a father?" she asked in a shocked voice.

            "Well, scientifically yes. In reality? I'm working on that."

            Angel looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean by that?"

            "Alyssa thinks it might be best if we let Sean continue to believe that he's the father. He apparently really wants this and she seems to think that because of everything I've told her about not wanting kids with Shayla that I'm kind of neutral about the whole thing. I have to admit that definitely hurt like a bitch. That's when I went back to Shayla. I was hurt and a little pissed at Alyssa," he explained.

            "That's fucked up! That makes her just as bad as Shayla. Maybe even a little worse... She knew how hurt you were when Shayla lied about the baby. To tell you that you're going to be a father, but then go ‘Oh, wait! Actually let's let my husband think he's the father because he wants it more and I want to cover my own ass,' is really shitty and selfish of her. What about what you want? Does she realize that you could drag her ass into court over this?" Angel's eyes flashed in anger.

            Nick just shook his head. "I could, but I'm not going to. As much as you may disagree, I don't want to ruin my friendship with her. Instead I've come up with another plan."

            Angel rolled her eyes. "Oh God, lets hear it."

            "She needs me. Especially now that Sean is away. I step in whenever she needs a helping hand. I give her the attention that Sean doesn't. Anything she needs, I'm there for her. It works like a charm. I really think she's coming around."

            His sister frowned again. "I'm not sure if I follow Nick. Are you looking to manipulate her or do you honestly want to be with her again?"

            Nick thought carefully about his answer before he spoke. "I do want to give us another try. I feel like this all happened for a reason. She's so different now. So much less uptight and more relaxed and funny. I'm still in love with her I guess. And the more time I spend with her the less and less I want to be with Shayla."

            "So, here's an idea," she sarcastically replied. "In the meantime divorce Shayla. It's not fair to lead her on."

            He shook his head. "I'm waiting to hear what Alyssa is going to do. She says she's going to tell Sean about us, but she doesn't want to do it until he comes home which I can understand. I don't want to make a move until she does."

            Angel sighed. "You just don't want to divorce Shayla in case Alyssa changes her mind because you'd rather be in a loveless marriage then completely alone," she analyzed. "Yet, in the meantime you continue to sleep with Alyssa, who if you ask my opinion could very well screw you over big time. Yea... That's quite a mess there Nick."

            "Alyssa isn't going to screw me over," he argued. "She's not like that."

            Angel shrugged. "You didn't think Shayla would screw you over either. Face it Nick. This time around, she's the one who holds all the cards. She's the one with the baby. I just don't have a good feeling about this situation."

            Nick sighed. He valued Angel's opinion, but this time he had to disagree with his sister. Maybe it was growing up in the Carter household during some of the worst years, but he noticed that Angel was a lot more hardened than he was in some ways. She'd learned to expect the worse from the people. He supposed he couldn't be too surprised that Angel felt this way.

            "Thanks for your opinion. I'll consider it," he promised just to make her feel better. "In the meantime this doesn't leave this room, got it?"

            "You can trust me Nick. I may not agree with it, but you can trust me," she swore. "I just may not ever be able to look at Shayla the same and if I ever meet Alyssa I'm not sure if I can be all that friendly to her."

            "I appreciate your honesty, but for now you have to act like you know nothing, okay? I don't want Shayla to become suspicious. Now let's go back downstairs and pretend we never had this conversation," he suggested.

            "Fine," Angel reluctantly agreed.

            As Nick followed his sister back down the stairs he had to admit that he was now more confused than ever.  Before his conversation with Angel he'd been nothing, but confident about Alyssa's feelings for him and her intentions about what she wanted. Now though those seeds of doubt had been planted into this mind. What if she really did try to screw him over? What if she was just telling him what he wanted to hear and then in the end she was going to go running right back to Sean? For the first time, Nick realized just how murky their future seemed. They needed to talk about this and it needed to happen soon.