I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t watch this. But I couldn’t force myself to look away, either. Why was I just standing there? Why wasn’t I saying something – anything – to stop what was about to happen? I knew why. I didn’t want to hurt Janie. She had done nothing wrong. She had simply fallen in love. How could I hate her for falling in love?

We’d been best friends for as long as I could remember. She had always been by my side, helping me through everything. She knew all my secrets and was the only one outside my family who knew about my shameful past. I couldn’t destroy her chance at happiness – her chance to have the family she had always wanted. She deserved that chance – that family. She deserved to be happy and in love. And I knew that.

I just couldn’t help but feel jealous. Janie was beautiful. She always had been. She was model thin with gorgeous eyes and long, blonde hair. She was what every man dreamed of. And she knew it, too. She wasn’t like those other girls, though. She didn’t flaunt it or brag about it. She had always been fairly shy. She knew she looked good, but she always knew that she wasn’t perfect. But that just made her even more irresistible to guys. She was beautiful both inside and out. And that’s how she had won his heart. She hadn’t meant to hurt me. She didn’t even know how I felt. So I couldn’t hold it against her.

I felt my eyes drifting to the man I had tried to avoid looking at all night. I knew I couldn’t avoid his gaze forever, but I was determined to try. I had felt his eyes on me as I had walked down the aisle. Until he saw her. I watched him watch her, and I wished, just for a second, that he would look at me that way. I wished that, even for one night, he would smile at me the way he smiled at her, so full of love and hope. I wished that, for one night, he would gaze at me with passion and fire in his eyes. But that would never happen. He was marrying my best friend, and I would have to learn to live with that.

My eyes finally reached his face, and I was surprised to see him staring back at me, a small smile on his lips. No one else seemed to notice that his gaze was not resting on his bride-to-be. No one else noticed the war of emotion raging within his eyes. And no one else noticed the tear slip down my face. No one but him, that is. I could tell he wanted to talk to me – that he needed to talk to me. I had been avoiding him all week, since that fateful night when I had admitted my feelings to him. I hadn’t even given him a chance to respond because I knew what he was going to say. “I can’t do this right now. I’m getting married to your BEST FRIEND in a week!” That’s what he would have said. That was his solution to everything. He would put it off until he could sort his thoughts out. Then he would try to set things right – but only once HE was ready.

I saw him close his eyes, briefly, before he returned his gaze back to his future wife. He had made his choice. I didn’t expect him to choose me over her. No one ever did. This wasn’t the first time that the man I liked had fallen for my best friend. In fact, it happened more often than not. But this time, it was different. I had never been in love with any of those previous men. And Janie hadn’t married any of those other men, either.

I had to stop thinking about this, or I was going to drive myself insane. I just had to stand here and look pretty for another 5 minutes, and then I could relax. I knew that I would have to attend the reception, but at least they would be busy mingling, so I wouldn’t have to talk to him until after they returned from their honeymoon.

Who was I kidding? I knew he wouldn’t leave with things the way they were. He would find some way to corner me and force me to talk. In fact, knowing him, I knew exactly what he would do. He would ask me to dance in front of everyone, including Janie, making some kind of show out of dancing with his wife’s best friend, knowing that I wouldn’t – couldn’t – refuse him in front of a crowd. He couldn’t just let things go. He was the type of guy who hated seeing someone in pain or suffering. He hated having unresolved issues. That’s one of the things I loved most about him. That, and his voice. All he had to do was say my name, and I was a goner. His voice had some unknown power over me, and I could never find the power to resist. Especially when he sang. He had the voice of an angel.

Finally, the ceremony was over. I didn’t know how much more I could take before I cracked. And I really didn’t want to break down in front of the entire congregation that had gathered for this event. Now wouldn’t THAT just be a disaster. Especially with the press that was standing near the back, snapping picture after picture of the happy couple. I smiled brightly for the cameras, trying my hardest to look genuinely happy. Don’t get me wrong; I was happy for Janie. She had been dreaming about this day for her entire life. It’s just kind of hard to be happy for someone else when inside, your whole world is falling apart. I could feel my heart breaking with every step they took down the aisle together as husband and wife. I felt my world crashing in around me, but now was not the time to freak.

I still had to get to the reception in one piece. It had been Janie’s bright idea to have the entire wedding party ride to the reception together, with the newlyweds, in their limo. That meant I would be stuck watching them together for another hour and a half. And that meant I had to pretend like nothing was wrong in front of some of my closest friends, acting like my heart wasn’t shattering into a million pieces with every look, every touch, the couple shared. I had to continue being the supportive best friend, who couldn’t be happier for her friend, who was actually more like a sister.

Lucky me.

We all loaded into the limo, waving to the crowd as we departed. I felt his eyes on me, trying to read me like he had done so many times before. I couldn’t look at him. If I looked at him, I knew I would cry. And if I cried, I knew there would be questions. Questions I couldn’t answer. Questions I didn’t WANT to answer.

“I can’t believe I’m married,” Janie squealed, breaking me from my thoughts. I looked at my hands which were resting in my lap, smiling sadly to myself. “Callie! Can you believe it finally happened?” she asked me, putting the spotlight on me.

I knew I couldn’t avoid it any longer. The moment I looked at her, I knew my eyes would be drawn to her side – or more specifically, to the man to her side. But I couldn’t just ignore her statement, either. She had said it directly to me, and I knew if I hesitated for too long, everyone would know something was wrong.

I took a deep breath before plastering on my most convincing smile and glancing to my left, responding to my best friend’s question. “I knew it would happen, eventually,” I told her. “You just had to find your ‘Mr. Right,’” I told her, faking a small laugh.

“Now we just have to find YOUR ‘Mr. Right,’” she said, throwing me completely off guard. I had not expected that at all. I thought that she would be so focused on her husband – on the events of the day – that she would forget about my love life – or lack thereof – for awhile. I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part, though. I should have known better. I should have known HER better. She was always so concerned about my life – my happiness. It was no wonder she was worried about me on her wedding day.

“Let’s just focus on you today. We can worry about my non-existent love life another day,” I suggested, avoiding the heated gaze I was getting from the opposite side of my best friend. His eyes burned a hole in the side of my head, and I could feel how much he wanted me to look at him, just once.

But I couldn’t do that. Not yet. “Don’t think I’m just going to give up on you, Callie. I know that you always say that you’re fine being single. I know you don’t like me interfering with your love life. I just hate seeing you so lonely all the time. You deserve to be as happy as I am right now. You deserve the perfect guy – the one you’ve always dreamed of. You deserve to have that house with the wrap-around porch and two kids, like you’ve always dreamed of. And I won’t rest until you’re the one walking down the aisle, getting married to the man of your dreams,” she insisted.

I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I felt like the world’s biggest jerk. Here was my best friend, vowing to do everything in her power to find me the perfect man, while I sat there, pining away for her husband of less than two hours. Some great friend I was. I was sitting here, silently cursing her for having everything I wanted, and she was thinking about me and how to make me happy.

“Oh honey, don’t cry! I mean it. You deserve the best! And I won’t rest until I find him for you,” she promised, pulling me into a hug – one I had come to appreciate over the years. I had never been a very affectionate person. At least not physically. I preferred to let people know through words or various other outlets that I cared. But Janie was just the opposite. She was always showing people she cared through her touch. She was always hugging someone or touching someone’s arm while they talked to her.

“She’s right, you know. You deserve only the best,” he agreed, speaking to me for the first time in a week. And as always, his voice was as smooth as silk, as if he were serenading me instead of just talking to me.

“I don’t know about that,” I denied, still not looking at him. I knew it was rude, but I just couldn’t find the courage to face him just yet. I couldn’t find the strength to look into his eyes and not feel like I had just lost everything.

“I do,” he assured, releasing his wife’s hand and grasping onto mine with a warm smile spreading across his face.

I couldn’t avoid it anymore. At the first touch of his hand on my own, I looked up into his beautiful face, willing myself to be strong and to not show how much his touch was affecting me. I couldn’t let him see how excited his simple touch left me feeling. I couldn’t let him feel my heart as it tried to beat its way out of my chest.

“Thanks,” I smiled, holding my tears at bay at the look of sorrow and regret in his eyes. For a second, I thought maybe he regretted the fact that he had chosen Janie over me, but that thought didn’t last long, and my hope faded with it. I knew where the regret was coming from. He regretted the fact that I was hurting – that something he had done had caused me pain. He loved Janie. I could tell just by the smile he gave her when she squeezed his thigh in appreciation for his words. His regret was that I was suffering and there was nothing he could do to ease the pain. He may not have felt for me what I felt for him, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care about me. We had become extremely close over the last tour, just after I had become the Backstreet Boys’ new manager. He saw me like the little sister he never had growing up. And as my “brother,” he felt that it was his duty to protect me.

“You’re welcome,” he smiled, giving my hand a final squeeze before releasing it and returning it to his position, tightly grasping his wife’s hand.

I looked down again, trying to control my emotions. I felt myself starting to fall apart, and I knew that now was definitely not the time. I looked up at the rest of the wedding party, who had remained silent during the entire ordeal. No one was paying very much attention to us. AJ and his girlfriend, my sister Laurie, were too busy making out to notice anything going on around them. I smiled – a genuine smile – to myself, unable to believe that my sister had fallen in love. Laurie was your typical tom-boy. She wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, and she definitely wasn’t afraid to get a little dirty in the process. She was what you would consider a “bad girl.” She was the black sheep of my family, and truthfully, she couldn’t care less. Despite everything that had gone on within our family, though, we had remained close. She was my best friend, besides Janie, and I knew she would do anything for me.

Howie was on the phone, undoubtedly talking to his fiancée, Leigh. He was lost in his own little world as well. I envied their ability to get so lost in each other that they forgot the world around them. It was easy to see the love they shared. And they completed each other, too. Howie was soft-spoken and shy. Leigh was a little more outgoing. She was the only person I knew of that could make Howie pull a prank on somebody. She also wouldn’t stand for Howie being manipulated, and she wasn’t afraid to tell someone when she didn’t like them. And Howie was the only one who could calm Leigh down when she get upset. They were perfect for each other.

Kevin and his wife, Kristin, were more than happy to spend a few quiet moments alone, together. Ever since the birth of their son, Mason, they hadn’t been able to spend a single moment alone together, and it was starting to get to them. It was easy to see that they both loved parenthood – and it suited them well. Kevin had always been like a father to the rest of the Boys, so it was only natural for him to fall into “Daddy mode.” But all parents deserve a night off every once in a while to just enjoy their relationship.

I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped my lips at the sight of the youngest Backstreet Boy tickling mine and Janie’s other best friend, Nicole. She was trying her hardest to defend her vulnerable sides from the ever-mischievous fingers of her attacker, but she wasn’t having very much luck. They were both smiling, and I began to feel the pangs of jealousy again as I watched one of my best friends in love. I knew it was only a matter of time before Nicole and Nick admitted their feelings for each other. Everyone knew they were in love; we were just waiting for it to finally dawn on the two of them. It’s not like things would change much when it finally happened. They already spent every waking hour together, whether playing video games, shooting hoops, or just watching a movie. And Nick even had a set of clothes over at Nicole’s apartment for those nights he slept over – and vice versa. Like I said, it was only a matter of time.

I sighed in misery, turning my head and leaning it against the cold window, trying to find a way to block out my own painful memories. I let out a sigh of relief when we pulled up to the building housing the reception. I couldn’t wait to just get away from the happy couple. I was tempted to try to drown my sorrows away with alcohol, but I knew I wouldn’t. I wasn’t big on alcohol. I never had been.

As soon as the limo came to a complete stop, I was out of my seat and out the door, not daring to look back. I knew that the bride and groom would be close behind, and I didn’t want to take the chance in getting stopped. Everyone’s attention was focused on the limo as Janie made her way out, followed by her husband. I watched as cheers of congratulations erupted all around me, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before I broke down. While everyone was distracted with the happy couple, I used the opportunity to slip out the back entrance, away from the crowd and my demons. At least for a little while. No one noticed my quick escape. No one but him.