“Go ahead,” Alex encouraged, giving me a slight nudge. “I’ll call Laurie and tell her we’re going to be a few minutes late.” I knew what he was doing. He was giving me an out if things got too uncomfortable. We didn’t really have plans with Laurie, but Brian didn’t know that.
“Ok. I’ll be there in a second,” I agreed, watching Alex’s retreat with nervous eyes. I didn’t know how to react or what to feel. I hadn’t been alone with Brian since before the wedding, and everything seemed so much different now than it did before. Finally realizing I couldn’t hide from him forever, I decided to face my fear head-on. “So what did you want to talk about, Brian?” I asked, letting my false confidence cover my nervousness.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. The last time I saw you, things were… awkward. I haven’t heard from you in months. I just, I missed you,” he confessed, watching my face closely for a reaction to his words. But I couldn’t show him how much he affected me. I had to be strong.
“I missed you, too,” I told him, honestly. And I had. I missed the friendship we’d had before the whole ‘I’m-in-love-with-you’ issue ruined it. Ruined us. “But I just needed time to get some things sorted out.”
“And have you gotten those… things sorted out?” he asked, looking into my eyes, trying to read my soul. But I didn’t flinch. I didn’t budge. Didn’t give into his pressure.
“Yeah, I think I have,” I told him, smiling softly at him. “And I realized I’m a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. I realized, I have more to be thankful for than I could have ever imagined. And I realized I have so much to live for in my life. I have a great job, amazing friends, and a life people envy. I don’t really have anything to complain about,” I told him, hoping my weakness didn’t show through my façade.
“I’m glad. I never meant to hurt you, Cal. You know that right?” he asked, tearing at my heart with every confession. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep pretending it didn’t hurt to be this close to him knowing I would never be anything more to him than a friend – a sister.
“I know, Brian. You don’t have a malicious bone in your body. You would never hurt anyone on purpose. It’s just not in your nature. And it’s not your fault. I never should have put you in that position in the first place. Especially a week before your wedding to my best friend. I’m really sorry I put that kind of pressure on you,” I apologized, amazed that I was able to say everything I was saying without breaking down.
“You can’t help how you feel, Cal. I know that lesson better than most,” he told me, whispering the last part so that I had to strain to hear it. “I know you have to get to lunch with Laurie, so I’ll let you go. I just wanted to make sure everything was right between us. That we were okay. Because I really don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you or if you had told me that you didn’t want me in your life anymore.”
“That will never happen, Brian. I promise,” I vowed, my eyes tearing up at the intensity and sadness behind his words.
“I hope so. I don’t want to think about my life without you in it,” he told me, smiling softly at me. “You mean too much to me.”
“And you mean too much to me for that thought to EVER cross my mind,” I told him, returning the smile. “But you’re right. I need to get going. Laurie is probably waiting for us by now. I’m glad we talked, Brian.”
“Me too, Cal. Me too,” he repeated, pulling me into a lingering hug. I breathed in his scent, trying to maintain my control as he held onto me like he would never let me go. Like he was afraid to let go.
“Hey, Cal. You ready to go?” Alex asked, walking into the room. He shot me a questioning glance as Brian and I slowly pulled out of each other’s arms, a smile on both of our faces.
“Yeah. Let’s go,” I agreed, shooting one last glance at Brian before walking out of the conference with Alex.
“So what happened back there?” Alex asked as soon as we were seated at a nearby Starbucks, coffee in hand. “What was that hug all about?”
“He just wanted to make sure things were good between us. I think he was worried I was going to quit or something. Or that, maybe, I was going to keep doing what I’ve been doing – the whole behind the scenes gig, having Clarissa run the show for me. He looked scared, Alex. Scared that he was losing me,” I admitted, watching my Strawberry Lemonade melt as beads of sweat made their way down the side of my cup.
“He probably is. You guys have always been close. For as long as I can remember, anyway. I’m sure he’s worried he’s losing his best friend,” Alex agreed, taking a long sip from his white mocha.
“So what am I supposed to do, Alex? I can’t avoid him, and I can’t… I can’t hide how I really feel from him. I can’t pretend like being his friend is enough for me anymore. I love him, Alex. And he’s married to my best friend,” I sighed, closing my eyes in an attempt to keep the pain locked away.
“I don’t know, Cal. There isn’t really much you can do. But you and I both know that if Janie finds out about your feelings, she’ll feel betrayed and hurt. You don’t want to do that to her. She hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s not her fault she fell in love,” Alex preached, repeating the same words that have been running through my own mind for the last few months.
“I know all that. But, I can’t just stop loving him. It’s not that easy,” I countered, feeling the tears start their familiar trek down the sides of my face, despite my attempts to suppress the inevitable.
“I know, honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Alex soothed, kneeling in front of me and pulling me into his protective embrace. “You were amazing today. You were so strong. I couldn’t have been prouder watching you face your fears. I know how hard that must have been for you, but you didn’t let anything stand in your way.”
“I was so scared. I thought for sure I was going to break down in the middle of my speech. I probably would have, too, if you hadn’t been there,” I smiled down at the man kneeling in front of me. It amazed me to watch how much he had stepped up and taken control over the last few months. It’s like he had grown up in front of my eyes without me even noticing – and instead of being the younger brother I’d always seen him as, he was acting more like an older brother, looking out for me and trying to protect me from all of the letdowns in life.
“You were great. You even had me convinced you were over him there for awhile,” he smiled up at me, wiping my tears.
I sat there, watching the concern wash over his face as he desperately tried to ease the pain in my heart. He was no longer the lost little boy I first met all those years ago, trying to make up for his past mistakes. He was no longer that struggling guy, trying to fight his demons and prove his worth, not only to himself, but to his fans, critics, family, friends, and people who had no clue who he was – just that he was an addict. He was a man. “When did you get so wise, Alex? When did you grow up?” I asked, wondering where the time had gone and how I had missed it.
“When I finally fell in love for the first time in my life. Your sister is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She’s helped me become the man I’ve been trying to be for years,” he grinned, his smile lighting up his entire face.
“She does seems to have that power, doesn’t she?” I snorted, watching the love-struck look cross over Alex’s eyes before he returned his attention to me.
“That she does. Your little sister is one of a kind. You should be proud. You helped raise an amazing woman,” Alex complimented, a dreamy look glazing over his eyes as he thought of the woman who had stolen his heart.
“She is amazing,” I agreed, thinking of all the things my little sister had accomplished in her life and all the potential she still possessed.
“You’re one of a kind, too, Cal. You’re extraordinary. You just need to find that guy who realizes just how absolutely amazing you really are. And when you do, you’re going to realize that if Brian couldn’t see what was right in front of him, it’s his loss. And, of course, I’ll be right there telling you, ‘I told you so,’” Alex joked, wiping the last of my tears before they could fall.
“Thanks, Alex. I don’t know what I would have done without you and Laur these last few months,” I confessed, letting my voice show him exactly how grateful I was for their support during the most difficult time of my life.
“That’s what family is for. And one day, you’re going to realize I was right all along. And when that day comes, I expect a HUGE cake with the words, ‘You were right, Alex’ written across it in big bubble letters,” he kidded, drawing the first genuine laugh from my lips since I found out about the meeting. “It’s going to work out, Cal. I promise.”
“I know. It’ll work itself out eventually. I just have to be patient,” I reiterated.
Now, if only I could convince my heart.
