Well damn, I would totally pay to have dinner with Brian. And pasta? The way to my heart! Haha. I can only imagine where this is leading to. Then again, maybe I am just psychic. Keep up the good work. Can't wait to see more of this of course. [Ashley] (Your PIC)

Author's Response: *Evil grin* You\'ll just have to wait and see. :O)

A very dramatic way to start this off. Surprised to see a new one from you, considering you still haven't finished NSB! *pouts* Good start though. I love the dramatics you have used and the emotions and fears you incorporated mirrored that perfectly for a girl of such a young age going through something as what Jadyn is going through. Hope to see an update soon and *poke* an update of NSB! *hint hint* LoL. Keep up the great work! [Ashley]

Author's Response: Yay...Ashie found my new story! haha. NSB is on a hiatus until I work thru my slump wiith it. Im glad you are liking this one though. Lots more to come!!! Thanks a bunch!

LMAO! I have not laughed that hard because of a fic in a long time. I'm really seriously enjoying this and hope you update soon. You've done wonderfully so far! Keep up the great work! :)

Nice and smooth. Very simple flow; I liked that about it. Great job on this Kristal! [Ashley]

Author's Response: Thank you. I spent a fair bit of time on this...so I am very glad that you liked it.

Ok, I'm having a hard time deciding where I really want to begin. I'm going to give you some very constructive criticism that I hope you don't take offense to. Rather I hope you take as a tool to help you improve your writing.

First, I'm going to be completely honest and tell you it's highly doubtful that anybody would give this story a chance because of it's appearance alone. It's highly confusing and very hard to follow when everything, including each individual's dialogue, is meshed into one big paragraph. That right there is one of the big cardinal sins of writing and a major turnoff for any prospective readers.  Break it into seperate paragraphs. Don't clump each character's dialogue together into one paragraph. That alone can cause a reader's head to spin.

Next, story development. Honestly, and this is only my opinion so please don't take any offense because this is not a flame in any shape or form, but I did not see an ounce of development throughout the story. Before you jump right into writing after you get an idea, take a moment and develop it, even if only in your head. Answer the questions of What? Where? Why? When? How? etc etc etc. Give your story a back bone because a story cannot live on jumbled writing and miscellaneous dialogue alone. Also, give us some details. Paint a picture with your words so we, as the readers, can actually picture ourselves right there witnessing it as the story takes place. Aquaint us with the characters through your writing. Who are they? Why are they that way? What makes them who they are? Their likes? Their dislikes? Their quirks? etc etc etc. Anything that lets us know a little something about them. That right there gives a story more back bone. Details are very important when writing a story. Describe locations and surroundings. Describe a particular character's emotions. If it's important to the story line, describe what they ate for breakfast. You need to plan the important points of the story and build your details off of that. Does that make sense?

Also, the grammar throughout this piece was very poor. There's a bunch of grammar nazis here at AC, LoL, so don't take offense to that either. Some people have trouble when it comes to grammar mechanics, but you'll never fail at finding people here at AC who are willing to give you pointers on ways to improve. Plus, you can also google it and you'll be sure to find grammar tutorial sites that can help.

Another thing as a little advice. I would work on the maturity of the tone of your narrating character. There is absolutely nothing wrong with writing in the first person point of view. Some amazing stories are written in 1st POV. However, there was a certain level of immaturity that I couldn't get past in the narrating character's tone and it was very bothersome and distracting.

Last, I want to bring up my biggest problem with this story and that would be the story line. It was highly unbelievable and unrealistic. Creative/unrealistic story lines are ok to a point, but there's gotta be enough realism in it and I just didn't get that feeling while struggling to read this. If your story line has bits and pieces that may be somewhat unrealistic, then combat that with the realistic strong points and it should all mesh together in the end. I hope that made sense.

Really, I'm not trying to flame you, but I do believe every author deserves constructive criticism and that's what I am trying to give. Again, like I said, please do not take offense to anything I have said in this review. I am only trying to help. If you have time, take a moment and head over to the forum. You can access it through the main page of the AC site. There's plently of people there (AC authors and readers) who can give you good advice and pointers on how to improve your writing.

[Ashley]

OMG...I thought I knew what I was going to say...now I'm just...geez, SPEECHLESS. The episode was totally over the top, but the Kevin thing was completely what got me. I loved it. Wasn't expecting something like. But it was totally creative. Good work on this and I can't wait for an update! [Ashley]

Author's Response: HAHA...I like it when I can render people speechless! I'm glad you liked it so much...hopefully it will continue to be a highly entertaining story! Thanks for reading, I know you couldn't picture Nick like this at the start, lol. Ashley (the other one) and I will be trying to have another chapter up soon! Luv ya!! -Kris

Another new one? LoL, looks like we have something in common, because I just started a new one too. I like the basis behind this so far. A nice simple start. Keep up the good work and give us an update soon. Can't wait to read more! And YAY! I rock for being the first reviewer! *grins* [Ashley]